I fear the dark. Every evening as the sun is setting it puts me in a sheer panic. That's when "it" came. Creeping into my bedroom, blinding me with undescribeable pain and agony. And then the torture, failed attempts to kill me and the endless hours of physical and sexual abuse. The darkness swallowed me up. Leaving me more vunerable and alone. Why didn't one of the neighbors wake up and see the lights on that late? Why did it have to be so hot and humid that night, so that everyone's windows were shut tight with the air conditioning running? A lot of "why's" and no answers.
It's strange that night fall here at home has a comfortable feel to it. Familiarity perhaps? I know I don't feel the same way when I am somewhere else. I don't recognize the shadows. Unfamiliar creeks and groans from buildings. The strange rustling of the leaves. I am way out of my element.
And yet, I can't wait to go out in the black swirl. I have found solice in the darkness. Each day has me wondering if I will be able to escape...to walk about cloaked, un-noticed, almost carefree. Yes, I find comfort in that, that scares me the most. By days end I am weary of being cheerful. I don't want to smile, yet I am painfully aware how my face hurts from the forced upturned mouth. I am supposed to be pleasant and present a put together person. I have to be a nice, loving and caring individual. A productive citizen. When all I want to do is rage. Curl up in a ball and cry. Or just lay there, breathing in and out.
This isn't a pity party by any means. It's just that everything has changed inside me and around me. Friends and family have moved on. They barely notice when things aren't quite right. Or I'm in a mood. I silently fell apart around my fourth year anniversary and no one hardly noticed. Guess I've gotten good at hiding things. And that's why I welcome the night. No one can see me. I don't have to pretend, or smile or be happy. I can just be. Painfully aware of all the changes and yet unable to adjust to or reverse them. Once again I can be swallowed up...inconspicuous.
Yes, the dark still terrifies me. But I guess the solice and comfort of the dark has a bigger draw. Is it possible to be terrified and comforted at the same time? To be draw to the invisibleness of the black and yet so petrified it can freeze me in my tracks?