I fear the dark.  Every evening as the sun is setting it puts me in a sheer panic.  That's when "it" came.  Creeping into my bedroom, blinding me with undescribeable pain and agony.  And then the torture, failed attempts to kill me and the endless hours of physical and sexual abuse.  The darkness swallowed me up.  Leaving me more vunerable and alone.  Why didn't one of the neighbors wake up and see the lights on that late?  Why did it have to be so hot and humid that night, so that everyone's windows were shut tight with the air conditioning running?  A lot of "why's" and no answers.

It's strange that night fall here at home has a comfortable feel to it.  Familiarity perhaps?  I know I don't feel the same way when I am somewhere else.  I don't recognize the shadows.  Unfamiliar creeks and groans from buildings.  The strange rustling of the leaves.  I am way out of my element. 

And yet, I can't wait to go out in the black swirl.  I have found solice in the darkness.  Each day has me wondering if I will be able to escape...to walk about cloaked, un-noticed, almost carefree.  Yes, I find comfort in that, that scares me the most.  By days end I am weary of being cheerful.  I don't want to smile, yet I am painfully aware how my face hurts from the forced upturned mouth.  I am supposed to be pleasant and present a put together person.  I have to be a nice, loving and caring individual.  A productive citizen.  When all I want to do is rage.  Curl up in a ball and cry.  Or just lay there, breathing in and out.  

This isn't a pity party by any means.  It's just that everything has changed inside me and around me.  Friends and family have moved on.  They barely notice when things aren't quite right.  Or I'm in a mood.  I silently fell apart around my fourth year anniversary and no one hardly noticed.  Guess I've gotten good at hiding things.  And that's why I welcome the night.  No one can see me.  I don't have to pretend, or smile or be happy.  I can just be.  Painfully aware of all the changes and yet unable to adjust to or reverse them.  Once again I can be swallowed up...inconspicuous.  

Yes, the dark still terrifies me.  But I guess the solice and comfort of the dark has a bigger draw.  Is it possible to be terrified and comforted at the same time?  To be draw to the invisibleness of the black and yet so petrified it can freeze me in my tracks?     

I was going to blog about something completely different, but when I selected the "category" under which this entry would be placed it occured to me that maybe there needs to be another selection.  Survivor?  Do any of you really feel like you've survived?  Survived what?  Yes, I look in the mirror and see  myself.  But am I really there?  I haven't recognized the person in the mirror for a very long time.  My outlook on life has completely changed.  My attitudes have changed.  My personality has changed.  Etc., etc.  I call that a forced adjustment, not surviving.  Those who are still in my life as friends have occasionally said "just let it go".  "Wake up and choose to have a good outlook and attitude toward the day".  I used to argue with them when they would say those well meaning antidotes.  I felt it was my place and my duty to correct and inform.  Now, I quietly feel sorry for them.  I know they mean well, and feel they should say those things.  Society has conditioned us to.  But a well meaning hug and complete silence at that moment would go so much further. 

I realize that the raw assault on my psyche over what has happened isn't so debilitating as it was.  Although there are still incidences and sometimes complete days where that is questionable.  Does time get the credit for that or have I slowly built the protective armor back up?  Either way I don't consider myself a survivor.  Maybe I'm someone who has somewhat accepted the "new norm" and is trying to piece together my fragmented existence.  Trying to make sense of this life that I didn't ask for and would gladly exchange.  Or someone who is simply trying to limp through the day, trying not to get caught up in the well meaning direction friends are pushing you toward.  Take the time to look up the meaning of survivor in the dictionary.  You'll be surprised.  The word "live" keeps coming up in the definition.  Is this living? 

Greetings fellow survivors and supporters.  It's been over a year since I've been on this site.  Believe me when I say it's not been by choice.  I have missed being connected to others who have walked the path I've walked.  There is a comfort and support that comes from being with others who understand without saying a word.  To anyone new here, welcome.  This is by far the best site for just that...support.  And venting!  I will be doing much of that in the days to come.  A year's worth of stuffing has left me weary and tired.  Will talk to you soon! 

Hello my dear supportive friends.  First and foremost I must apologize for being absent from this site and my life in general.  This is truly where I need to be.  Trying to put the pieces back together.  Trying to make sense of ALL that has happened and most of all, try to take back MY LIFE.  Whatever that may be.  So many things to share and not knowing where to turn to first.  August 2007 I was brutally assaulted both physically, mentally and sexually by my then live in boyfriend.  I had to wait over 2 1/2 years to see the inside of a courtroom and push for justice.  Four days shy of 2 years and 8 months a jury came back with a not quilty verdict on all three counts.  Looking back the side effects of this horrific event in my life haven't changed much over the course of the years, but the scenery has.  I struggle to stay connected to the human race, but find on a daily basis that they don't want to be connected to something so tragic.  If I come over to their side, they will talk to me, include me in the day to day routine and even force me to ride the roller coaster of life with them.  By the way, in reality, I don't do rollercoasters!!!  Friends, family and society as a whole seem hell bent on pushing me through this.  No one asks how I am anymore (except the very special people that have experienced the horror for themselves).  The flashbacks, nightmares, severe mood swings, etc. still persist, although I knew they wouldn't go away just because the judicial system was out of my life now.  It's almost like your stuck in this horror house...you may wander or perhaps purposely go into another room only to discover your still in the basic horror house, but the horror has changed.  You at some point realize that your never going to find the one door that let's you out!  You just seem to bump from room to room.

AHHHHH...PWP.  My refuge from the world.  I can hang my weary head and let it all out here.  I am not judged!  My character isn't savagely attacked at every turn!  I am among family here and it is a comfort through the storm.  Didn't realize how tough it would be when the judicial bullshit was over.  If I have to hear one more time "What went wrong" as far as the not guilty verdict I will seriously hurt someone.  Or my other equally favorite "Now that this is over you can get on with your life"!  Get on with my life?  I am not even sure where I fit in anymore.  At one time I was a domestic abuse victim.  Then I became an assault victim.  Then there was the group of victims seeking justice.  And now I'm left standing here, while the world moves forward, not knowing what is next.  I was denied a no contact order because I don't fit the legal profile of domestic abuse.  Because of something I said in confidence, awhile back, was leaked to the sheriff's department and subsequently caused the courthouse to use their metal detectors during the whole trial and verdict, I was denied the right to carry a concealed weapon.  When did I become the criminal?  Why isn't my life and safety worth anything to anybody?  Doesn't my fear of retaliation mean anything?  So, on top of being a victim and trying to piece my life back together, I am being wrongly judged now on my character.  My assault is still being referred to as the "alleged assault" when I try to get protection.  ALLEGED!  BULLSHIT!!!  It happened, it was real and I don't give a crap if the legal community doesn't acknowledge it.  When does society realize that there are human beings being discarded by the very system that is suppose to protect us?  No offense to victims of natural disasters, but where's the out pouring and support for us?  We are the embarassing trash that is being swept under the rug.  Society couldn't bare to imagine that bad people live among us.  Well I am right here, under your nose, and I am trying to tell you that I am worth something. 

Oops...can I say that in my title?  Actually I wanted to say the "f" word, but didn't want to alert the sensor's.  Was in court again today while I awaited a judgement on a no contact order.  According to Iowa domestic abuse law since we weren't married (Thank God in Heaven), have any children or that I didn't have any contact with him in the last year (okay, let's look at that...he was INCARCERATED YOU MORMONS) I was denied a protective order saying he couldn't have contact with me at my place of residence, place of work or have someone else contact me through any means.  It was everything not to say to the judge that I hope there wasn't a murder trial in this courtroom with your honor presiding in the near future then!!!!!!!!!!!  When do victims get a break?  When do we really ever get justice?  I heard in the after life (if you believe that way), but I'm sorry, that's not soon enough nor will I be privy to it. 

I can't even begin to tell all of you that commented on my entries in the past month how much your support, kind words of encouragement and thoughts meant to me.  What a wonderful site that brings all of us together to share in the pain, joys (too few) and life affirming steps that each of us takes.  We all have different stories and are in different phases of our recovery, but we are all there for each other because we know how important it is to be un-judgemental and unconditionally supportive during these difficult times.  To all of you who are new, welcome and know you have an entire community from around the world that shares in your pain, anguish and sorrow.  Reach out and let others offer a steady hand.  To all us old folks :) that can and do offer timely advice, may we all continue our very important work.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It is with great difficulty that I write this entry.  Most of you have been following my posts throughout this past month while I journaled my way through the emotional storm of the legal system.  My enteries will be, from now on, how to put your life back together (if that's possible) after court.

The jury found my abuser/rapist not guilty on all three counts...sexual assault, domestic abuse enhanced and false imprisonment.  He walked out of the county jail a free man before I could even get home.  The protective order is null and void effective immediately.  To get another one would mean I would have to file in civil court and that could take months.  It would also mean revisiting all the evidence and re-testifying.

Numb doesn't describe what I am feeling.  I don't even know what to do next...regarding my life, my work, anything!  I feel totally vulnerable, like a sitting duck in a pond during hunting season.  There is not a soul out there that can protect me now.  Yes, many have said they would pray that he does moves on and leaves me alone.  Having been with him three years, that is doubtful.  He has always gotten even with those that have wronged him.  Besides, he thinks I ruined his life.  He has no money, no job and no place to call home right now.

For now I will sign off.  Not only do I feel vulnerable, but that all of this really didn't happen in the eyes of the law.  How do any of you get through that?  You do everything humanely possible to make your attacker be held accountable and the law didn't see it that way.  Does that mean the abuse and rape didn't happen?  I live the after effects every single second of every single day.  I feel like the trash in the streets waiting to pick swept up.

I will apologize for not posting something after the March 25th entry.  Got to love this waiting...doesn't that fall under TIME?  I have spent the last four days re-visiting the trial.  Voluntarily when I was updating someone who was not able to be there and unvoluntarily when I let my mind run on idle.  It didn't matter how busy I stayed, the thoughts intruded to the point of invasive.  Nightmares and flashbacks have come back with a vengence and make it hard to function night or day.  The running thoughts are mainly of the trial...seeing "it" sitting there with a smug look on his face, trying to stare me down.  All dressed up in a suit and tie so as to look innocent and pure for the jury.  Made me want to gag most of the time.  In fact I threw up in my throat more than once!! :)

But, mostly I have thought about myself.  This past week and upcoming week have been surreal.  And to a point I have been numb.  It seems like I am looking in on the whole thing rather than living it.  Many of you have sent messages including descriptive words like, brave and strong, yet I will be the first to tell you I certainly didn't feel that way.  Composed, maybe, but not brave.  A couple of my court supporters even told me they were surprised that I pursued it this far.  To subject yourself to that kind of humilation and scrutiny was unthinkable.  And I have to agree....what the hell was I thinking?  And what will I do if the jury comes back with a not-guilty verdict?  Or a guilty verdict and they win an appeal for a new trial?  Someone close said I can't buck the legal system.  Politics is what it is!  Not really affirming and positive, but the truth non the less.  

Someone once wrote that when the legal battle is all said and done, you will find out what your really made of.  AMEN to that!!!  If asked by another victim whether he/she should pursue criminal charges I would have to hesitate with my answer.  Each of us has an abundance of strength and courage that we didn't know existed.  But, whether or not that victim has enough to sustain them through the grueling legal battle is ultimately up to the individual.  If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I know, I would seriously hesitate.  The price I have paid is great.  And the outcome uncertain at best.  Before the assault/abuse I used to wonder why more victims didn't come forward and press charges.  I was blissfully certain that the law would provide some measure of assurance and certainty for the victims.  Sadly, I was the last one considered within the law.  "It" actually had more rights than I did!  And how exactly is that fair, I ask?  

Sitting here now, having made up my mind not to pursue another trial if they appeal and win, has me affirming the "why" more victims don't step forward and press charges.  It is sad that I had to experience this horrific event first hand to see why more don't step forward.  And hopefully some day I will look back with no regrets.  Tomorrow the jury will decide my fate.  NO, not "it's", but mine.  It is my sentence as well.  By this time tomorrow he could very easily be freed from the county jail.  Walking the streets like any other citizen.  Or, he could be facing an incredibly light sentence, a slap on the hand, so to speak.  It was a gamble I realize.  And one I was willing to take a couple of months ago.  Now, not so sure.  Forgive me if this seemed more a crazy rambling, then an intelligent posting.  So much running through my mind.  Thanks again for all your support. I will post the jury's findings tomorrow night.      

Thank you all for your supportive words as I took the stand on Wednesday.  I asked a silent prayer of support from all those who came before me, from all of you who never got this far in the justice system and from those of you who have yet to step forward.  Each of us has to decide for ourselves how much to tell, how far to go with the justice system and how to deal with all of the re-victimization and lack of rightful justice.  My entries are merely a way to unload and vent.  Please don't be discouraged by what you read and decide not to pursue legal action based solely on my experiences.  I do believe that each of us has the strength, courage and fortitude within to step forward and tackle our monsters.  Whatever they may be.

Having said that...Wednesday was by far the most lengthy and traumatic event since the assault.  In fact, at one time during my testimony, I actually thought the assault was easier to weather than this.  At least the physical and sexual combat was conducted by one person.  I still didn't know what the outcome was going to be during the assault, but one on one is better than the legal spot light that we step into when we enter the courtroom. 

My friends/supporters, jury members and legal personnel know more about my physical being and hidden fears than I care to share with anyone.  The experience was truly indescribeable.  Sitting up there, facing the courtroom, was beyond terrifying.  And within a few feet sat my perp trying to stare me into intimidation.  I know he was instructed to do this, but little did he know, that it only fueled my rage and disgust making me more determinded to see this through.  Amazingly enough, his staring gave me strength when I thought I couldn't go on anymore.  My supporters and I had decided on a color scheme to help me focuse when things got rough.  Everyone, prosecution included, wore some shade of pink.  During my deposition, the defense wore a pink shirt and because I didn't turn out to be the "typical" victim, I made him sweat.  Because of that you could see him pit out.  The entire prosecutions office was thrilled, because it seemed I was the only one to ever do this.  Between the sea of pink and his stare I remained as focused and clear headed as I could.

My testimony lasted almost all day.  I started at 9 am and after a lunch break, resumed until 3:45.  I would have to say the majority of this time was the cross examination from his indignant and cruel lawyer.  That isn't exactly what I called him out loud, but I am trying to be courteous and respectful on this website.  His line of questioning was often way off base and unrelevent to the case at hand.  Everyone said I did fine and handled the inquisition with surprising ease, but I feel the contrary.  Maybe it's because I was concentrating so hard on remembering what I had said that day, that my overall performance grade was clouded.  Good thing I was trying to tell the truth...not sure how anyone could keep things straight if they weren't.

Needless to say I am numb and mushy.  I was having trouble focusing on the little things all day today and I feel like a Mac truck has run over me.  Oh, I almost forgot, nightmares and flashbacks have started up again.  If I don't keep my mind busy, images of the trial creep in.  It's really hard to close my eyes at night.  Do I regret following through....not on your life.  I know, after some time has passed, that I will look back on this and be thankful that I did everything in my power to put him behind bars for a very long time.  I never want to look back and wonder if I did enough.  Maybe that is getting some of my power back...power over my life and destiny.  Who knows?!

The trial will resume next Tuesday and I don't know at this point whether I will be called back up to re-butt anything.  If all goes well, we could be sending this to the jury on Wednesday, but I have a feeling that it will be Thursday before we get a verdict.  Thanks for your patience during this difficult time as I blog my way through the trial.

Thanks for all the support sent, but I am sorry to say nothing happened today.  Well, not nothing so to speak.  It took almost 7 hours to pick the jury and I was there at the court house waiting 3 1/2 hours.  I was told that I would be testifying at 1:00 and throughout the afternoon they kept informing me that it could be all afternoon, but that I couldn't leave just in case.  At 4:00 I was released to go home and told to be back at 9:00 Wednesday morning.  My nerves are shot and I've eaten more than my share of soda crackers to settle my stomach.  Through this whole thing I had the most amazing support group there.  There were 10 people in my conference room all waiting patiently for me to take the stand.  Several took turns pacing with me up and down the halls, offering verbal, emotional and physical support (hugs).  Know for a fact I would not have made it through the afternoon with all my mental facilities in tack without them.

So once again, I am faced with 24 hours and counting.  I was so sure that I would be writing something positive here tonight.  I enter the lion's den again with frazzled nerves and more resolve though (thanks to a pep talk).  Maybe I will have some better news.  Thanks again for the positive thoughts and support.     

I wrote a couple of days ago that there is always so many details.  I forgot to mention time.  Time dictates so much with survivors and victims.  How long ago was your assault/abuse?  How long did it last?  How long before you reported?  How long did the police take?  How long before they prosecuted...etc.  Time!  And then there is the flashbacks, triggers, PTSD, clinical depression, etc. that takes TIME.  Days go by ticking slowly ...minute by minute.  TIME!  Today marks 2 years, 7 months and 18 days since I was assaulted.  Tomorrow I go to court, tell my story and face my attacker for the first time.  TIME!

I have not been on here for a couple of days.  I was advised to take some TIME and go away...forgot the trial.  HA!  I did go away with someone I trust and felt safe for a couple of days.  Until the reality crept back in.  Now here I am, counting the hours until I am persecuted.  Yes, you read that right.  There was no plea offer from the defense.  They are charging ahead with the trial.  Their line of defense is that it was consentual.  Yes, I want this trial because it's the best chance I have of getting the justice I deserve.  But, the fact that they haven't backed down and are clearly going to attack my credibility and character has weighed heavy on mind today.  Yes, all victims that get to see the inside of a courtroom, face these attacks.  But, usually there is an offer to settle because the evidence is overwhelming and the defense is shaky at best.  To have the defense charge in like this does undermine my confidence.  I've been told over and over from the prosecution that I have nothing to worry about.  But, she isn't the one on the stand, talking about personal, intimate details in front of total strangers!  

I will try to post something tomorrow to let all of you know how the lion's den went.  That will depend on my emotional state however.  I know I go in there with all your prayers, support and good thoughts.  I also go in there representing all of you who were cheated out of justice in one way or another.   And then there are all of you who have kept your assault/abuse a secret.  Your all going in there with me and I appreciate it.  Much thanks!  

Details.  Have you noticed that we are summed up by the details.  Details of the abuse, the perp, the assault, the location, the time, the surroundings, etc.  Details we have to give the police, the social workers, the attorney's and the counselors.  Details that numb us and yet still force us to remember horrific things.  Details that we so desperately try to stuff and stash away so that they don't consume us.  Details follow us into the work place, social settings and intimate relationships.  Not to mention the constant unavoidance in our daily lives. Details can earn us the verdict and justice we so deserve or punish us through re-victimization and a not guilty verdict.  Or, a lesser charge and lenient consequences (if any).

I am consumed by the details right now.  Recalling, sorting, sequential order and minute "details".  I never wanted to re-visit my assault in such "detail" again.  I was happy talking about it in generalities.  Touching on the basic overall story line, not the gruesome "details".  And yet, trying to re-write that story as too remember all those details has me wondering if they will be so kind as to present themselves when I need them during the trial?  One can only hope that they will not stay buried, but for this one time, when it's so important that I remember the "details". 

Well the final prep meeting was today.  More upsetting than Friday.  Had to listen to the 911 call so they could enter it into evidence.  Hadn't heard it up until now.  Had to review photos of the bruises and clear up where they are located on my body so that I can tell the jury.  The actual photos will be entered into evidence later by the police.  It seems odd that somethings I don't recall at all and others are crystal clear.  Thankfully my recall isn't to badly warped from all the time lapse.  As I was leaving the courthouse it occurred to me that time has been on my side.  I know, having to wait the last 2 years and 7 months for justice has been hell and wreaked havoc on both my physical and emotional self.  But, I think the time has served me well....I have had time to process all the aspects of going to court vs. accepting a plea offer.  Yes, I understand that it's not going to be a picnic having to testify, but I have prepared myself as best I can.  I am still convinced that it's the best choice for me to get the justice I deserve.  I have had time to basically numb myself from some of the testimony I will have to give.  No, this doesn't mean I won't cry, but at least I won't break down sobbing (or so I think).  And I have had time to accept the fact that I may not get the verdict I want...charges for sexual assault/Class B felony.  This would carry a mandatory 17 plus years (by law) for a 25 year maximum.  They could come back with a lesser charge and he would probably only serve months in prison.  Or the worst case scenario...not guilty.  With all the evidence in place that backs up my testimony I would find it really hard for a jury to find him not guilty, but I am prepared for that to be a possiblity.  I know with out a doubt that I am doing the right thing by going forward with these charges and seeing them through to the bitter end.  I realized something about myself today....that although this will by far be the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I will not bail now.  I can't quit!  Looking back on this months and years from now I need to be able to say to myself that I did everything I could possibly do.  I don't want to have any regrets and not be able to do anything about it then. The rest is in the hands of the legal system.  With that I rest!

Well, one week and counting.  The nerves are getting the better of me I have to admit.  So much to remember...so much I don't want to.  The prosecution has said don't fret about the sequence or details of what happened.  How the hell do you not do that?  I am digging deep into territory I wanted buried forever.  My feelings, my thoughts, my reactions are all being called up.  I have to admit re-reading my statement has me reflecting more on his lack of empathy and conscience.  My statement is reading like someone else's story, but I am sickened by his reactions or lack of them.  It struck me today how incredibly lonely this journey really is.  I know I have support of all kinds, but it still is lonely.  I am surprised at the inner strength we all seem to have at our worst times.  We are stronger than we think.  Yet I am still shaking with utter terror and nerves. Will write more later. 

Well, I made it through.  The very thought of entering the court house caused me to shake uncontrollably.  Vomiting was also an option!  Thank God I hadn't eaten much for breakfast.  All kidding aside, I had a chance to "breath" through some anxiety and went into the practice lion's den.  Surprisingly I was very calm at that point.  It must have been all the supportive thoughts and good wishes from all of you that pulled me through.  This prep session lasted 2 1/2 hours.  Most of that was talking about the trial in generalities.  How would the prosecution be, how would the defense be, what about supporters, his family, etc.  The tough part will be my prep before the next meeting Monday.  I need to read through my police statement and deposition.  Then on Monday I will have to listen to the 9-1-1 tape so they can enter that into evidence.  Overall, when I left I felt surprisingly nothing.  I mean not emotionally distraught, not anxious, not angry, etc.  Basically nothing, which I took as a good thing.  However, as the day has worn on I am reminded of what exactly is going to be asked of me, including some recollections that I was not prepared to provide in detail.  And it has become increasingly apparent that the entire case rests on whether the jury believes me.  Here's where the stereotype comes into play more so.  Society has it's misconceptions of how victim should look, act, and definite expectations of how you act and react during an assault.  Part of this is to ensure that "they" would be safe during a horrific moment.  I have learned that generally speaking, the public doesn't want to think about horrible events and least of all, that they could happen to them.  So they convince themselves that if they were in the same situation, they would have fought back, they would have run or something as equally brave.  No one wants to admit publically or privately that they would freeze or do the wrong thing.  But, I can only get on the stand and tell the truth.  There will 12 people deciding my justice and I am terrified that they may be discriminatory because of society has a whole.

My advice to anyone who is facing this same process.  As much as you can tolerate, get involved.  If you have an advocate that can help you navigate the legal system, take advantage of it.  Talk to friends and fellow supporters/survivors.  Read up on on the courts in your area work and how this applies to abuse/assault victims.  I was extremely upset by what I was reading, but it really prepared me for what the prosecution was going to say today.  And no one can be a better advocate for yourself, then you.  My being prepared and having a basic understanding of this whole process made me a stronger, more confident victim.  I realize that not everyone can do this.  But find your comfort zone and don't be afraid.  

PS  Because I was prepared, I stated my position on going to trial and the possibility of a plea.  At the end of the conversation the prosecution said that she felt more confident going into the trial because I had stated that I didn't want to settle with a plea.  I am fully aware that going to trial is going to beyond awful and that I may lose.  But I feel that I will lose much more if I don't try.  Because of this, both of us are going into that court room confident with each other.  It was a powerful way to end the session.  And I made my position very clear.  This victim will not lay down and be trampled on anymore!!!!    

Well my fellow survivors....tomorrow marks the first step in redemption (I hope).  I will be receiving the first session on prepping for court in the morning.  I will be entering into the process with predeterminded notions of not receiving the justice that not only I deserve, but all of us deserve.  No, I am not going in there with a defeatist attitude, but more like a reality check.  After reading the book, "Taking the Stand, Prosecuting Rapists" I have gained the knowledge of many who went before me.  While absorbing the words on the pages, I am filled with hope, despair and out right fear.  So much hinges on the prosecution's desire to convict.  Do I fit the stereotypical case?  If not, they are more likely to plea out.  If they do move forward and convict, what kind of defense is going to be thrown at me?  Is he going to try to confuse me?  Will he hammer home the elapsed time of 2 1/2 years plus and my possible dim recollection of events?  Do I try to undermine his line of questioning, or try to engage the prosecution in objections?  If I do this...I will hurt my credibility.  If I do that, I may come across as confused and not believable.  All joking aside, I survived the assault with better results.  I knew nothing of the expectations when the assault started and it was simply survive or die!  The boundaries weren't blurred and murky.  The outcome was crystal clear!

To those of you who may be reading this and have yet to enter into the justice system, please do not change your minds.  Taking my personal experiences (and my personality) into account, get as involved as you are comfortable doing with the whole process.  No matter what the outcome, you have in small steps, taken back some of the control that was violently stripped from you.  Every step I have taken has empowered me.  Yes, there are pitfalls and moments when I doubted myself, but I never gave up.  I have to admit a huge part of that is based on the rage I feel toward my attacker.  To publicly confront him would bring me great satisfaction.  Each and every one of you has to find it within themselves to stand up and demand to be heard.  Some choose to quietly slip away and that is okay.  We all have to step out of our comfort zones along this treacherous path called healing and sometimes that step can be more than we can handle.  Never have I believed more in a saying than now..."Knowledge is power".  The more you learn about the justice system and how it applies to you and your case, the more control you have over the shadows that lurk in your past.  It doesn't matter how far you go with the legal part of your assault/abuse.  You are your best advocate.  Who knows better what you need for justice?  Who knows better how far you can go to see that justice?  And with each and every stand we take, it gets better for the next one coming behind.  I will close with saying again, thank you to all who came before me and blazed the trail.  Changes were made sometimes unknowingly, but all the same, those changes helped me seek the justice I so deserve.   

     As I pondered deep in thought today about my plight with the justice system it occurred to me how narrow minded and somewhat selfish I have been.  First of all, I will again acknowledge those of you who did not get justice.  Whether that be because charges were never filed, the legal system didn't think your case was a strong one or you didn't get the conviction you deserved.  My sincere apologies for ranting and raving about how bad it has been for me.  Writing things down this past couple of weeks has been very theraputic in many ways.  Up until now I hadn't journaled etc. at all.  So bare with me...thanks.

     But on the up side change always starts small.  I am overwhelmed thinking of all the victims being re-victimized by the legal system in my state alone.  Much like me. Then you add all 50 states in the US.  Then other countries.  We all need to step up and be counted.  We are human beings with feelings and emotions.  We are not last nights trash or yesterday's news only to be tossed out.  Change starts with one person at a time.  My local police department should be commended for their excellent treatment of me on that fateful night.  They were considerate, polite, patient, kind and respectful to name a few.  The local police changed their attitudes toward victims here, so why can't the local prosecution?  They can, but need to be called on their lack of compassion and kindness.  Emotional distancing by the general public has to be narrowed down.  I am reminded that taking on a "whole" of anything is overwhelming and down right stupid.  But, stepping back and whittling away one person at a time seems much more manageable and less tiring!  

     I am not sure what point I was trying to achieve here.  More like rambling and putting my frustrations and anger into persceptive.  Full bore attacks aren't the answer.  And carrying around anger and resentment isn't healthy.  So maybe this is part of a game plan to push forward change.  We have to start somewhere.  And so do I.  

And so begins the slow, systematic re-victimization of yet another by the justice system.  Not to say that I haven't been enduring the punishment for over 2 years now, but this is the final push before the trial.  My local county prosecution has known about the upcoming court date for over a month now.  In addition to that, they were made fully aware of my work schedule and the couple of days I am escaping from here.  Do you think they would take that into account?  HELL no!!!!  I will be prepping for my role as the primary witness (in my assault case, no doubt)  two hours on Thursday and two hours on Monday.  I mean come on people, let's see if we can spread the fun out a little bit more!   Is it really too much to ask that instructions for the most horrific, emotionally devastating day of my life (next to the assault that I endured) take place in one stretch?  Once again, I am nothing but a case to them.  No emotions, no empathy, no consideration for the human factor.  I am a pawn in the legal game of life.  Wonder how it feels to have a feather in one's cap at the expense of another's emotional state of mind?  Guess I will never know, because I value the human spirit.

How loud the clock is when it's ticking down the minutes.  Very loud and incredibly slow.  Tick tock, tick tock!

Curently I am reading "Taking the Stand: Rape Survivors and the Prosecution of Rapists" ordered through Barnes & Noble online.  For the majority of you reading this I have quite possibly the most unfriendly and unsupportive county prosecution ever.  Does it tell you anything that I had to order a book to read on my own?  For those of you who are about to embark on the very slippery slope of prosecution may I suggest this book.  At the very least you would better prepared to face the legal system.  What has bothered me from day one is the constant slaughter of my character and integrity.  He isn't on trial, I am!  Come the week of March 15th I will be called in to be prepped.  They will tell me what to wear, because I have to have the right look.  They will tell me what I can and can't show emotion on!  Careful, I might cry too much or not enough to suit the jury.  And God forbid that I don't cry at all.  That would show that there might not have been a crime.  Don't look at the defendant, look at the jury!  Don't show anger or frustration.  Wait till the lawyers finish their sentences before answering.  Answer only what they ask.  Last minute instructions might include what I am legally able to say in court.  The defense can petition the court to exclude part of my testimony because it might incriminate.  Why the hell shouldn't it?  Am I not suppose to tell the truth?  The whole truth and nothing but the truth?  I am the only one who can repeat, in it's entirety, what happened that horrific night and I might be gagged from doing so.  So how is the jury supposed to hear the truth?  Isn't that what our courts are about?  Hearing the truth?  Shouldn't this be more supportive and easy on the victim?  I know I am asking for the world, but why can't I just show up, give my side of the story much like I did at the police station and leave?  Why would any lawyer want to discredit me?  Thank God for rape shield laws...that way my sexual past can't be dragged through the courts also.  But, the defense found it okay to contact all my relationships for the past 20 years to see if there was a pattern.  A pattern of what?  I certainly didn't ask for this.  It isn't enough that I need to prepare mentally and emotionally for the hardest thing I will ever do in my life, but I have to second guess everything I am going to say.  If you are reading this and you are thinking about filing charges and following through with the legal system, please don't be swayed by this entry.  You need to follow through if that is the right thing for you.  My point is, things need to change in favor of the victim and their families.  Again I asked, why is it the victim on trial?

Every once in awhile I find myself seeming to stand still while the world whizzes by.  Kind of like in the movies when they show the main character in slow motion and everything around them is sped up.  It can happen when I'm driving down the highway or standing in line at a grocery store. At that moment I know I belong to a very special group of people.  It's almost like a secret society that only certain people belong to.  And I watch the general population dart here and there and feel several emotions.  Sadness, that they seem to be oblivious to the pain of others.  They are so wrapped up in their hurry up world that they seem to trample on those of us trying to get up off the ground.  And from experience, they don't want to know about the horrors that travel right underneath their feet.  They have this perfect world in their mind and only bad stuff happens in the movies and in distant lands far, far away.  I am also saddened for them in a way because I know they will never know what they are truly made of.  Unlike those of you who are on this site and others that will join in the future.  Deep down inside we are all made of incredible strength and resilience.  Yes, some of us needed extra help, but it was our sheer determination that pulled us through. Something deep down inside our very souls that most of us never even knew existed.  And for that I feel sorry for those poor unknowing people.  If given the chance I would gladly trade in all the PTSD, clinical depression, and other "fun" emotions that come with being assaulted or abused.  But, we can't turn the clock back.  There is no taking it back.  So I battle all the fun parting gifts (the PTSD gift basket) that I got handed to me when I filed charges and know that I belong to a very unconditional, supportive, special group of people that I am proud to call friends.  And so I stand there in awe watching the world whiz by.       

I'll pick up where I left off last night...thanks to all of you who commented.  Nothing that I didn't expect.  When I make an entry I'm not looking for that "miracle" fix.  Is there really one?  Just feed back on how others are doing.  Okay, we've established that some of us "pretend" around others and if that works, great!  But, the constant juggling act to remember how you acted around each and every person can be taxing to say the least.  I found myself discussing the upcoming trial with a close friend and nearly broke into tears because she didn't want the pretend me.  Our emotions are so close to the surface that at anytime we can erupt into tears, or rage, or have a total meltdown.  To those of you who are on your way to some sort of normalcy (is that even a possibility?) do the severe swings in moods get more stable with time?  I have experienced really, really highs and really, really lows all in a few minutes.  Do they get more stable because we change?  Or do we just learn to live with the instability and that takes the "extreme" out of the equation?

Okay, here's a question to all of you...do we stop trying to explain what we're going through and feeling on a day to day basis to the general public that doesn't have a clue?  Or would that further our withdrawal from society to stop trying?  I tried to explain the "slogging fog" to a couple of people today and they did the obligatory nod and smile back.  Depending on my day (or hour for that matter), I could react in several different and destructive ways.  I understand that for the most part the general public has been conditioned to think a certain way and that we need to "retrain" them one person at a time.  But sometimes it seems so monumental that it isn't worth the extra effort and emotional drainage to try.  And yet putting on the cheerleader face and being your "old self" is as tasking.  Has anyone found that happy middle that everyone can accept and live with?  Including all of us? 

I over-compensated for the "fog" that has ascended on my day to day and now I am exhausted.  I wish we had miniature streaming billboards on our foreheads!  Mine would read "Accept what you see, this is all you get right now"!  So many expect me to be my old self.  I am not even sure who that is anymore.  A fellow survivor calls it the "cheerleader syndrome".  Forgive me if I have offended anyone who is a cheerleader.  It is merely a decription of how we have to be every day.  Cheerful, perky and our best foot forward.  So many times I want to bitch slap those who expect that from me!  I am barely holding it together with toothpicks and scotch tape and they want more and more and more!!!! 

I am not even sure if slogging is a real word and if not, then I made it up.  After talking to another survivor who's had her (disappointing) day in court, she said she was in a fog the few weeks before.  I feel like I'm slogging through pudding.  I can't tell you what I did this morning, or this afternoon for that matter.  The day is mind numbing to say the very least.  I stand in front of people, seeing their mouths move and hear something that resembles words, but there is no comprehension.  I am sure there is a blank stare looking back at them and they politely nod!  Do they really understand?  Would they really understand the explaination or an attempt to explain what I am experiencing?  How do you explain being there physically and yet, not there?  I've been told that this could be the mind's way of numbing pain...or the perception of what's to come.  Right now I am thanking my mind for protecting me, but wish I could at the very least function like a productive human being.  Notice I didn't say "normal" human being.  Not even sure there is a normal after what we've been through.  A new normal.....

I am writing this entry to share with all my PWP survivors and supporters who understand the emotional upheavel our struggles are.  I finally have a court date....March 23!  The biggest struggle has been dealing with the aftermath of a violent assault, PTSD, clinical depression and the wait.  Yes, the wait.  Come March 23 it will have been 2 years, 7 months and 19 days.  To say I've been re-victimized over and over would be a gigantic understatement.  Besides the fear and anxiety that I will be taking into the court room with me, I know I will be taking the strength and courage of those who went before me.  Those victims who stood up to their abusers or attackers and said "NO" I want justice.  Those supporters who stood by and lent a hand to steady the way or a shoulder to cry on.  This was not intended to offend anyone who did not get justice in their cases.  Or for whatever reason, charges were never filed.  This site has been a quiet place for me.  A place where others understand without words being spoken.  Where support is unconditional no matter the past.  Where reaching out touches others in ways you can never imagine.  I know I head into the lion's den with the silent support of thousands.   

Anniversaries, for those of us who have them, can be extremely difficult to process.  I am not disregarding any of the other traumatic days of the week or weeks of the year, but anniversaries have their own special struggles.  So much to process....what you were like before, what happened that fateful day, PTSD, clinical depression, anxiety, rage that follows and where do I fit it now.  How does one seperate?  They all seem to blend together, yet have their own gut wrenching way of getting your attention.  And when you do finally seem to have only one to deal with, then there is no energy left for the rest.  Yet they demand their time.  Right?  There are no vacations from emotions.  So do we just continue to wade through or at some point do they truly blend and become manageable?  Not really a question, but more a statement.  Alone 

Ever get tired of the play called "life"?  For those of you who have done theatre you might understand the process.  Your given a play book and you learn the lines and blocking.  You show up for dress rehearsal and then there's opening night.  Except somewhere along the way your assaulted.  Which means the play changed and no one notified you.  So you show up, go to wardrobe, makeup and hair.  The stage hands show you where to stand until curtain call.  Then you step out onto the stage and you don't recognize anything.  The backdrop is familiar, but different.  The characters are all wrong.  And you don't know what lines they are saying.  The term "the show must go on" sticks in your mind.  You muddle through.  The other actors are staring.  You don't know your lines because they changed the play.  You vaguely remember the last character was funny and witty.  Is this the new character as well?  The curtain goes down and you feel relief.  You dug down deep and pulled it off.  You were the character in the play.  Then tomorrow comes around and you show up for wardrobe, makeup and hair again.  And so begins the play of "life". 

Hello!  It's been an exhausting day.  The weather played a huge factor in a day long trigger.  I would love to have just short, intense triggers that you can walk away from, breath through or distract yourself from.  Felt physically sick to my stomach, heart ache and flashbacks have come and gone leaving me weak and unable to focus.  Lucky for me I had group today and was able to share with others.  They didn't really have answers, but sometimes that's okay.  Just saying it out loud can be a comfort in itself.

To all of you out there that have to deal with an abusive father in your present or past, my heart and thoughts go out to you.  Father's Day must really be hard.  My father didn't abuse me although he was controlling when I was growing up.  My issues are my parents aren't supportive in the way that I need.  They believe that if you don't acknowledge the event, you don't have to deal with it and then of course, it doesn't exist.  WOW, wouldn't that be wonderful for all of us if we just didn't acknowledge our painful pasts and thus, they didn't exist! 

Had a security system installed in my home today.  I am anticipating retaliation for calling the police and filing charges.  I know this won't keep me 100% safe, but in my home, it will help.  As I stood there listening to the instructions, an anxiety attack hit.  This was really surprising to me.  I thought there would be relief and a sense of taking back control of my safety.  Instead I felt overwhelming anxiety and sadness that it has come to this.  Never in a million years would I have put a security system in my home.  The realization that I even need one is really hard to fathom.  Can anyone tell me how they are coping with the day-to-day existence of their perpetrator walking around free?  How do you get past the paralyzing fear?

Facing seasonal triggers right now.  They are debilitating and extremely depressing.  Please tell me they get a little better with time?