I was going to blog about something completely different, but when I selected the "category" under which this entry would be placed it occured to me that maybe there needs to be another selection. Survivor? Do any of you really feel like you've survived? Survived what? Yes, I look in the mirror and see myself. But am I really there? I haven't recognized the person in the mirror for a very long time. My outlook on life has completely changed. My attitudes have changed. My personality has changed. Etc., etc. I call that a forced adjustment, not surviving. Those who are still in my life as friends have occasionally said "just let it go". "Wake up and choose to have a good outlook and attitude toward the day". I used to argue with them when they would say those well meaning antidotes. I felt it was my place and my duty to correct and inform. Now, I quietly feel sorry for them. I know they mean well, and feel they should say those things. Society has conditioned us to. But a well meaning hug and complete silence at that moment would go so much further.
I realize that the raw assault on my psyche over what has happened isn't so debilitating as it was. Although there are still incidences and sometimes complete days where that is questionable. Does time get the credit for that or have I slowly built the protective armor back up? Either way I don't consider myself a survivor. Maybe I'm someone who has somewhat accepted the "new norm" and is trying to piece together my fragmented existence. Trying to make sense of this life that I didn't ask for and would gladly exchange. Or someone who is simply trying to limp through the day, trying not to get caught up in the well meaning direction friends are pushing you toward. Take the time to look up the meaning of survivor in the dictionary. You'll be surprised. The word "live" keeps coming up in the definition. Is this living?
