This is my story

I endured years of abuse at the hands of an older brother. Im not truly sure when it started, but my first memory is from when i was 6. Of course at the time I had no idea what  was going on... i was 6. At first it was just touching me, then it was touching both of us, then it was oral sex, then it was full rape. I also can't say for sure when it stopped completely i believe I was 12 or 13.  I grew up in a very conservative household. Without proper education on such matters besides that you avoid strange men. of course he wasn't a strange man, he was my brother.  they say its always the adults fault, but neither of us were adult so i considered it my own. and he told me it was, i was "asking for it". I grew up hating myself so much, and hating my memory. A lot of the memories were so painful i repressed them, but they later came back to haunt me. I've been struggling with this whole part of my life for a while. The part that bugs me is no one saw it. and when  i think about it all the signs were there. im pretty sure i even hinted at it a few times. I remember saying something about it when i was 6, but i was a little girl with a big imagination. and again when i was 9, i was called a liar because my mother said she'd know - i'd scream if anyone did anything like that. I didn't scream. The only person who ever actually asked me if anyone had abused me was a camp counsellor, and I lied out of fear. My life has been such a roller coaster.  For so long i lived in denial of what happened to me, pushing down the pain and anguish until i couldn't take it anymore. oddly enough my memory has left a clear indent of the first time i started cutting myself.and the struggles that continued with it.  i couldn't take it anymore, i was ready to commit suicide, the first person i ever told was my best friend after i turned 16. her words of advice were, "you can't change the past". she was right. looking back on the ptsd, the cutting and the depression all of which i still struggle with, i realize i can't change what has happened but i can change how i deal with it. i am currently in counseling, but it really isn't doing anything for me, as i can't tell my counselor what has happened to me, without her having to take legal action because i am still 17. Alas, i stil long for the day when i am free of all this.