Last night right before starting work I flashback hit me in the gut. Then tonight after watching the movie Hitch with a group of my friends memories came flooding in and all I could think of on the way home was how that man had hurt me and how I'll never find love. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep for fear of having nightmares.

I was in the shower when I felt his hands on me again. I thought I would be past that by now. It has been over ten years since I switched doctors, and my abuse ended. All I could do was scream and then curl up in the bottom of the shower. I should be past it now. I should be able to shower or do day to day things like it without having to go through that pain. Sometimes I hate myself. Why am I so weak? Sometimes I feel so helpless, which I swore to myself would never happen again. I am twenty-two I should be able to handle things better.

Today at work all I could think about was my abuser and what he did to me. And this is not the first time this has happened recently, only this time it got worse after I got home. After worrying about it and praying to God that it would stop, both figuratively and literally, I finally fell asleep. I immediatly started having a nightmare about being in HIS office again and that it was happening all over again. I woke up and immediatly started crying, which for me is something that I try to avoid at all costs. And to make matters worse now I am to scared to fall back asleep for fear of having another nightmare.

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I kept having the feeling like it was happening all over again. I could feel his hands on me again. I am getting tired of this and I am scared that I will never be able move on. Will I ever be able to trust anyone again? Will I ever be able to look at doctors with out the fear of it happening again? I just want this to be over.

Today, after working out in the gym with my family I had to shower in the public showers because we didn't have time to go home and shower before dinner. I could barely soap up and use the shampoo I was so worried that the other men were watching me and thinking about attacking me. This was the first time I have used a public shower since my abuse, and it did not even remotely go the way I was hoping it would go. When will I be able to do stuff like that with out the shaking hands and the constant looking over my shoulder? Sometimes I feel like I never will.

Last thursday I was sitting backstage during rehearsal for my school's production of My Children, My Africa. As members of the stage crew my friend and I didn't have much to do because there are so few props and set pieces to move around, so we just started talking. One thing lead to another and we started sharing stories from our childhoods. At first the stories were stories of childhood injuries or stupid things we did when we were younger. But then she shared a painful memory, and before I knew it I was telling her what had happened to me. She was completely understanding and supportive. She assured me that she was there for me, or if I simply needed someone to talk to. Unfortunately since then I have been feeling down and even had a few nightmares more frequently than usual.

This past Fridaymy roomate, who was wearing a mask because he had the flu, came in to our room and said that he was one of those "touchy" doctor. Now I know that he was just trying to be funny and by this he meant the kind of doctor who is always shaking your hand. Either that or he simply meant a chiropractor. While he meant well unfortunately he triggered a flashback for me. It was like I was back in the office where I was abused. My abuser came in and shook my hand, just like he always did. Then he did a few routine things, things that are supposed to happen during a check-up. Then he asked me to drop my pants so he could "check how I was growing". Thankfully the Tom and Jerry Cartoon that I had playing, I watch them whenever I need a laugh, made a really loud noise and snapped me out of my flashback. Thankfully my roomate didn't notice anything.

I feel like I am going crazy. I am hearing my abuser's voice in my head when I am awake now. I just want this pain to end. :'(

I had a nightmare this past saturday. I am getting sick and tired of being a victim. I have started to wonder if the pain will ever go away.