i cant cope any more with life that is i need help but i cant accespt i dont know how to let people in i just close up wen people try to talk to me about it.

i hate going out and cant even walk down the street without feeling unsafe.

i just finished court finaly but he got not guilty of rape and just guilty of underage sex with concent, they are saying im a lier sayin that i let him inside me nobody belifes me about what happened but im not the lier.

the other girl i know he 'hurt' is lieing about it she did let him have sex with her i know that for a fact but every one belifes her about it they all say  am a lier and he did hurt her wen its the other way around why do people do that why cant they just trust me or keep the mouth shut i cant help what he did to me i wish i could but i cant.

i have a controling boyfriend and i cant even do anything without him having a go at me 

my mother is a raving alcoholic

and my abuser is belifed 

i cant cope any more im wondering what its like wen u die coz somitmes i think that it would be better if i were dead i wouldnt have to deal with the pain, himiliation, flashbacks and all that stuff but then i remember i dont have the guts to kill myself coz i dnt know whats on the other side.

help!!!!!!!!!! 

I'VE JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE FLASH BACKS AND SORTOF STILL AM ITS OFF TWP OFF THE TIMES HE ABUSED ME

THIS TIME HE ONLY PENATRATED ME FOR UNDER A MINIT BUT ITS THE MOST FORSFULL TIME HE EVER HURT ME I CAN SEE HIM I CAN SMELL HIM I CAN EVEN FUKIN FEEL HIM DOWN BELOW I CAN FEEL THE PENATRATION HIS HANDS ALL OVER ME PINNING ME DOWN TO HIS BED HIS BREATH ON MY FACE AS HE FORCES HIMSELF INSIDE ME I DONT KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM BUT I HAD THE STRENGTH TO PUSH HIM OFF IM THINKING RUN FOR THE DOOR BUT THEN I REMEMBER THE STEEL BARS HE HAS ACCROSS THE FROUNT DOOR THAT HAVE A HEAVY PADLOCK BOLTING THEM SHUT THE KEY HIDDEN HE THROGHS ME BACK ON THE BED MY SUDDEN STRENGHTH GONE HE HOLDS ME DOWN AND PUS HIS FINGERS INSIDE ME THEN WALKS INTO THE FROUNT ROOM OFF THE FLAT AND LEAVES ME THERE I GO THROUGH KNOWING I CANT GET OUT HE SPARKS  UP A JOINT/SPLIFF HAS A FEW PULLS AND OFFERS ME SOME AS IF WHAT HE HAD JUST DONE WAS NORMAL AND OK.

THE OTHER ONE IS OF THE LAST TIME HE DONE IT TO ME I TOOK MY FRIEND ROUND THERE KNOWING WHAT HE WAS LIKE SHE WAS TIRED AND WENT TO SLEEP ON HIS BED AND I DIDNT WARN HER BUT HE WAS TO INTERESTED IN RAPING ME TO BOTHER WITH HER HE PICKS ME UP AND TAKES ME TO THE BATHROOM AND FORCES DOWN MY TROUSERS TOCHES ME THERE I STRUGGLE TO GET HIM OFF AND TELL HIM NO HE DOES NOT LISTEN I RUSH THROUGH TO THE FROUNT ROOM PASSING THE FROUNT DOOR IN THE KITHCEN REMEMBERING THE BARS AGAIN SO I RUSH THROUGH TO THE FROUNT ROOM AND SIT ON THE SOFA HOPIN HE WILL LEAVE ME NOW BUT HE GRABS MY LEGS AND PULLS ME ONTO THE FLOOR AND AGAIN FORCES MY TROUSERS DOWN ALREADY GOT AN ERECTION AT MY STRUGGLING AND FEAR HE PULLS OUT MY TAMPON AND HE FORCES HIMSELF INTO ME AND I STOP STRUGGLING PARALISED IN FEAR TRYING TO BLOCK WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME WHEN MY FRIEND TURNS ON THE TV IN THE BEDROOM HE WALKS OFF TO WIPE THE BLOOD OFF HIS PENIS WHILE I HAVE TO PUT THE SAME TAMPON BACK IN SO NOT TO BLEED EVERYWHERE IT ONLI ADDS TO THE DIRTY FEELING I HAVE DUE TO WHAT HE HAS DONE. WEN HE COMES BACK HE SAYS SOMTHING TO WHILE IM LAYING ON THE SOFA IN SHOCK THE WORDS HE SAYS I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WORDS I HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT WHEN I WANT SOMTHING I DONT GIVE UP TILL I GET IT THOSE WORDS RING IN MY EARS OVER AND OVER SINCE THAT MOMENT AN HAVE NEVER STOPED. I LAY THERE STILL SILENT SHOCKED WHILE HE GOES INTO THE ROOM MY FRIEND AND SISTER FIGURE IS IN I JUST LAY THERE STARING AT THE SILENT TELLYVISION THOSE WORDS RINGINGOVER AND OVER AND OVER BEFORE I KNOW IT HE COME BACK IN THE ROOM I DIDNT AND STILL DNT KNOW HOW LONG HE WAS IN THERE HE THEN LET ME AND MY FRIENd GO HOME I STILL REMEMBER THE SILENCE OF THE WALK BACK TO MY HOUSE WE GOT IN AND WENT TO MY ROOM THEN THE LIGHT IN MY HEAD WENT ON I ASKED MY FRIEND WHAT HE HAD DONE TO HER SHE TOLD ME THEY HAD HAD SEX I ASKED IF SHE SAID YES OR NO AND SHE TOLS ME SHE HAD SAID NO ALL I COULD THINK OFF WAS WHY WHY DIDI I TAKE HER THERE HAD HAD BEEN RAPING AND ABUSING ME FOR A LONG TIME I KNEW WHAT HE WAS LIKE WHY DID I LEAD HER INTO IT WHY DIDNT I GO INTO THAT ROOM AND HELP HER WHY WHY WHY WHY

HELP ME SOME ONE MUST KNOW HOW TO GET RID OFF THESES THINGS THAT I SEE REMEMBER SMELL HEAR THINK AND FEEL PLEASE SOME ONE MUST KNOW HOW TO GET RID OFF THEM PLEASE PLAESE

there are alot of catergories this message could come under there is so much i need to tell some one and ask and get help about.

I met the man who abused and raped me for sevarl months exactly one year today and i cant get the thought of what would of happened if i stayed at home that night

if i would never of met him or if i still would of one way or another

was it fait?

i guess i just needed to tell some one its hard to deal with it on my own my boyfriend wants to help and be there for me but i cant let him in to my own little world i want to but i cant. i mean he is amazin but sometimes he makes it worse he dont mean to and he dont know he has because i havnt been able to tell him. he makes it worse  when we make love (i know its werid to talk bout good sex on this site but it has a point and i cant let my past control my future) the problem is that he does what he thinks i want him to but i dont want to do it but i cant find the words to tell him it makes me feel simmalar to when the abuse was going on the reson i cant tell him is that he is only the second boyfriend i've ever had long term him and the man that hurt me but for you to understand i need to tell you my story so here goes......

it all stated one year ago today i was only 13 and i was out with two friends and we wanted to have a drink but were not old enough to buy it (i know its wrong) so we asked this man to go in and buy it little did we know he was a visious evil disucusting 20 yr old sexual preditor. he went in and got the drink when he came out we talked for a bit and ended up going back to his house like idiots we got there and he seemed to know everthing we had done that night my gutts told me to leave but i ignored them and ended up stayin the night. a month or so later i remembered where he lived and thought id go round there and smoke some canibus with him ( i know weed is stupid but i was fuked up in the head at the time i dont do it now) i got there and he started to kiss me and i went along with it for a few weeks thts all that happened we ended up going out ( i know its daft but he groomed me) we ended up having sex to begin with if said no he wouldnt do nothing but after a while if i said no then he would still forse me but becuse i had never been in a sexual relationship before i didnt know where the boudries were and thought this was normal. we ended up breking up but we were still friends with privalages if u get me but if i said no it was still frosed apon me but i dtill thought this was ok and normal one day i took my best friend to meet the man i grown to love with all my heart even though he done what he did so we got there and my friend was tired so ended up going to sleep in the bedroom while she was in there i was raped again then he went into the room with my fried and came out a little bit later and we left when me and my friend got to my house it cliked what had happened i asked her what had happened and she told me he had raped her so we reported it to the police.

so now you see why i find it hard to talk to my boyfriend when he does things to me i dont want him to and just put up with it i still dont realy know how consent and relationships work i never had the chance to find out for myself (im sure u have relized im only 14 now and i know it illegal to have sex but i love my boyfriend and it feels right most of the time i enjoy making love its much better than plain old sex) but back to what im trying to ask for i need help i need advice on talking to my boyfriend PLEASE!!!!!!!!!