I know how bad this will sound but i need help not to kill my abuser i am in the united kindomand he was found not guilty of my rape and abuse instead they just gave him a couple year for sex with an under ager THEY THINK I LET HIM PENATRATE ME ARRRG!  anyway i dont think he has had his punishment and i know it will take me a 10 minit phone call to find out exact prison he is in and the exact day he gets out i am also very aware that i can have the fire arm of my choice in less than 24 hours 48 at tops - i realy should not be able to say that at 15 years of age! but anyway all i can think of is being at that gate when he is let out and puttin a cap between his eyes to see the fear in his eyes that he gave me to make him pay for what he done and i know i can do it i know how easy the action would be but im also aware of the consoquenses but i find myself closer and closer each day to arranging the whole thing

I NEED HELP HOW DO I STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The truth about the rape or so called rapes is eating me alive i've covered for her for 2 years now she iis lieing i know she is! my ex-girlfriend is lieing!!! this wont make sence unless you know we had an open relationship to boys but not to other girls.

now i will explain- when my abuser and i were in a good relationship when i had thought he wasn't going to hurt me again i thought it would be safe to intruduce him to my ex-girlfriend ( my first thought as to why she would be lieing is tht she would spred her legs for any one im not just sayin that coz i hate her) so we went to see him and she flirted alot. ok so did i but thats another story i will share at a later date, but anyways we was there for a while and then left and went back to my house that night we were on the phone to him for some time but untill a few months back i couldnt remember what we were talking about. anyways we went to see him the next day and yet again he raped me but then went into the room my gf was in and had sex with her. we got back to my house and i told her he had raped me and asked her if she said yes or no to him and i think she saw another chance for attention as always anything for attention and she told me she said no so we reported it as it was the last straw for me.

a few months back a copper came to my house saying the needed answers to a few more questions about the rape/s he reminded me of somthing i had said that nite on the phone i had said "yeah she'll be up for that" i told the man that i could't remember what it was all about but i did my ex was agreeing to have sex with him the next day shewent to that house with every intention of having sex with him she got there and flirted then went to lay on his bed giving him an inviting look as she left the room.

i know her very well i know when she is faking crying or looking for attention and all through the courts and everything else it was all fake the whole thing i know this sounds stupid how i can be so sure but im telling you i know he didn't rape her i know she is lieing and im not just saying it because she is my ex its the truth.

i told my current boyfrind last nite during one of my episodes for want of a better word and he trusts me on it but the truth eats me alive inside i know whats going on and im always left to pick the peices up but i know nobody will belive me if i tell them all bacause she has got them all round her little finger if i tell them i will be the bad one i will be the jelus one its always that way.

what do i do in this situation?

I am no longer in contact with my abuser as he has been jailed now not for my abuse though he got not guilty on rape but guilty of concentual sex with an underager how can they say i just spread my legs for him?

i dont know where it goes from here i am no longer being abused or going through courts but i have no idea what happens next? i have a conciler but i cant talk to her or any one for that matter but i still cant even sleep at nite for flash backs and memories.

will this go on for ever will the pain ever stop coz it dont feel like it will any more. i always used to think that in time it would go away but how much time will it take??? after reading everything people say on here its hard to even have a glimmer of hope that it will go away the people on here say they still feel this way 20 years on i cant be like this for another 20 years.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW!?

two things reli -

 first of all i need to know is it right that although i hate my abuser and evey day i have flash backs or breakdown or somthing about the rape but is it wrong that i loved him and think i still do i cant stop wondering if i haddent reported it would we have patched things up and been able to be a real couple could we have made it as a relationship is it wrong to love him i mean i went to court to see the sentancing and it was the first time i saw him properly in over a year and all i felt was guilt to put him in prison ok i was happy to know he was gone but i felt so bad that i let him go inside and i am so worried about him and hoping that he is ok i don't know if this can be normal i mean its so bad i even want so see him again i can't help feeling like this i have never hated and loved some one please tell me is this wrong of me????????

the other thing is that i need to know if anyone on this site has managed to get over the pain and hurt of the rape or do you feel it for the rest of your life i need to know??????????????

i cant cope any more with life that is i need help but i cant accespt i dont know how to let people in i just close up wen people try to talk to me about it.

i hate going out and cant even walk down the street without feeling unsafe.

i just finished court finaly but he got not guilty of rape and just guilty of underage sex with concent, they are saying im a lier sayin that i let him inside me nobody belifes me about what happened but im not the lier.

the other girl i know he 'hurt' is lieing about it she did let him have sex with her i know that for a fact but every one belifes her about it they all say  am a lier and he did hurt her wen its the other way around why do people do that why cant they just trust me or keep the mouth shut i cant help what he did to me i wish i could but i cant.

i have a controling boyfriend and i cant even do anything without him having a go at me 

my mother is a raving alcoholic

and my abuser is belifed 

i cant cope any more im wondering what its like wen u die coz somitmes i think that it would be better if i were dead i wouldnt have to deal with the pain, himiliation, flashbacks and all that stuff but then i remember i dont have the guts to kill myself coz i dnt know whats on the other side.

help!!!!!!!!!! 

She Sat In Bed.

As she sat in bed, she was left wondering,

why did he do that? She couldn't understand.

How could he hurt her so bad?

Just take what he wanted?

Was she realy worth nothing?

She told him no, but he forced it on her.

Now all she ca feel, as she lays there in bed,

is his penis inside her, without her consent,

she feels so dirty, she feels so low.

Why did he do it, hurt her so bad?

All she wants now is love and care.

But she is too scard to let anyone close,

There is this one man, she loves him so much.

But sh is too scared to let him in.

Fear of the hurt that men can bring.

She learned it the hard way, in her past.

The last man she let in, hurt her so bad.

He raped her and hurt her and now she's in pain.

How can she let her love see a weakness.

What if he used it, he takes advantage.

All she wants now is love and care.

For some one to help with all the pain,

For the questions to be answered.

She needs help but can't take it,

she likes to act strong, so people don't see

How weak she realy is, but she's not strong.

Inside she's melting, screaming for help.

But she just can't ask, she doen't know how.

Can you help this girl' as she lays ther in bed??

This is just my way of getting it out

I'VE JUST HAD THE MOST HORRIBLE FLASH BACKS AND SORTOF STILL AM ITS OFF TWP OFF THE TIMES HE ABUSED ME

THIS TIME HE ONLY PENATRATED ME FOR UNDER A MINIT BUT ITS THE MOST FORSFULL TIME HE EVER HURT ME I CAN SEE HIM I CAN SMELL HIM I CAN EVEN FUKIN FEEL HIM DOWN BELOW I CAN FEEL THE PENATRATION HIS HANDS ALL OVER ME PINNING ME DOWN TO HIS BED HIS BREATH ON MY FACE AS HE FORCES HIMSELF INSIDE ME I DONT KNOW WHERE IT CAME FROM BUT I HAD THE STRENGTH TO PUSH HIM OFF IM THINKING RUN FOR THE DOOR BUT THEN I REMEMBER THE STEEL BARS HE HAS ACCROSS THE FROUNT DOOR THAT HAVE A HEAVY PADLOCK BOLTING THEM SHUT THE KEY HIDDEN HE THROGHS ME BACK ON THE BED MY SUDDEN STRENGHTH GONE HE HOLDS ME DOWN AND PUS HIS FINGERS INSIDE ME THEN WALKS INTO THE FROUNT ROOM OFF THE FLAT AND LEAVES ME THERE I GO THROUGH KNOWING I CANT GET OUT HE SPARKS  UP A JOINT/SPLIFF HAS A FEW PULLS AND OFFERS ME SOME AS IF WHAT HE HAD JUST DONE WAS NORMAL AND OK.

THE OTHER ONE IS OF THE LAST TIME HE DONE IT TO ME I TOOK MY FRIEND ROUND THERE KNOWING WHAT HE WAS LIKE SHE WAS TIRED AND WENT TO SLEEP ON HIS BED AND I DIDNT WARN HER BUT HE WAS TO INTERESTED IN RAPING ME TO BOTHER WITH HER HE PICKS ME UP AND TAKES ME TO THE BATHROOM AND FORCES DOWN MY TROUSERS TOCHES ME THERE I STRUGGLE TO GET HIM OFF AND TELL HIM NO HE DOES NOT LISTEN I RUSH THROUGH TO THE FROUNT ROOM PASSING THE FROUNT DOOR IN THE KITHCEN REMEMBERING THE BARS AGAIN SO I RUSH THROUGH TO THE FROUNT ROOM AND SIT ON THE SOFA HOPIN HE WILL LEAVE ME NOW BUT HE GRABS MY LEGS AND PULLS ME ONTO THE FLOOR AND AGAIN FORCES MY TROUSERS DOWN ALREADY GOT AN ERECTION AT MY STRUGGLING AND FEAR HE PULLS OUT MY TAMPON AND HE FORCES HIMSELF INTO ME AND I STOP STRUGGLING PARALISED IN FEAR TRYING TO BLOCK WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME WHEN MY FRIEND TURNS ON THE TV IN THE BEDROOM HE WALKS OFF TO WIPE THE BLOOD OFF HIS PENIS WHILE I HAVE TO PUT THE SAME TAMPON BACK IN SO NOT TO BLEED EVERYWHERE IT ONLI ADDS TO THE DIRTY FEELING I HAVE DUE TO WHAT HE HAS DONE. WEN HE COMES BACK HE SAYS SOMTHING TO WHILE IM LAYING ON THE SOFA IN SHOCK THE WORDS HE SAYS I WILL NEVER FORGET THOSE WORDS I HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT WHEN I WANT SOMTHING I DONT GIVE UP TILL I GET IT THOSE WORDS RING IN MY EARS OVER AND OVER SINCE THAT MOMENT AN HAVE NEVER STOPED. I LAY THERE STILL SILENT SHOCKED WHILE HE GOES INTO THE ROOM MY FRIEND AND SISTER FIGURE IS IN I JUST LAY THERE STARING AT THE SILENT TELLYVISION THOSE WORDS RINGINGOVER AND OVER AND OVER BEFORE I KNOW IT HE COME BACK IN THE ROOM I DIDNT AND STILL DNT KNOW HOW LONG HE WAS IN THERE HE THEN LET ME AND MY FRIENd GO HOME I STILL REMEMBER THE SILENCE OF THE WALK BACK TO MY HOUSE WE GOT IN AND WENT TO MY ROOM THEN THE LIGHT IN MY HEAD WENT ON I ASKED MY FRIEND WHAT HE HAD DONE TO HER SHE TOLD ME THEY HAD HAD SEX I ASKED IF SHE SAID YES OR NO AND SHE TOLS ME SHE HAD SAID NO ALL I COULD THINK OFF WAS WHY WHY DIDI I TAKE HER THERE HAD HAD BEEN RAPING AND ABUSING ME FOR A LONG TIME I KNEW WHAT HE WAS LIKE WHY DID I LEAD HER INTO IT WHY DIDNT I GO INTO THAT ROOM AND HELP HER WHY WHY WHY WHY

HELP ME SOME ONE MUST KNOW HOW TO GET RID OFF THESES THINGS THAT I SEE REMEMBER SMELL HEAR THINK AND FEEL PLEASE SOME ONE MUST KNOW HOW TO GET RID OFF THEM PLEASE PLAESE

well my life was ok untill i was 9 and mum started to drink more and more. we moved bak to scotland and she onli got worse with beating from her every day and havin to run the house looking after my lil bros one who has spech probs and one wif behavirol probs and havin to make sure mum didnt kill herself on a daliy basis. i also pissed off the wrong person and ended up with a massive gang after me that wanted to kill me i couldnt leave the house without havin to run but i had to to get food 4 my bros. i made it out ov scotland with alot of beating. wen we got to england i ended up addicted to drugs still runnin the house then i met some one and he groomed me made me belive he loved me made me love him all the time he was raping and abusing and stalking me if i said no to him he would make sure that i regreted it and it would hurt alot if u get me i fell pregnant to him twice i finally got him out my life but mum was still on a bender goin missin all the time and alot more one day she tryed to kill me and nearly succseded i walked out that day and passed out of pure fear down an ally somewhere i got to my step-dads house and they took me in so i got out that lifestyle but i still suffer from flashback,night terrors and memories all day every day i have to go court in febuary and i cant get it out my head.

sorry but i had to tell some one my virginaty was taken little under a yaer ago by my abuser and every since even when i wanted to i have always been reli nervous about sex and today for the first ever time i had no nervs at all no fear no nothing I HAD TO TELL SOME ONE IM RATHER PROUD OF MYSELF

hey everyone

i need help i have court in febuary and i cant stop having bad memories and flashbacks im only 14 and find it hard to talk to my parents my mums a drunk and my dads well my dad when i go to court i want to be in the actual room not a video link but i dont want my parents there its hard just knowing that they know whats happened with the abuse. my abuser is living less than a mile away from me and i see him often and when i do it sends me into a panic attack im allways out with friends so they all know everything i can talk to them but not bout the way i feel right now im so full of anger and deppretion and suididle thoughts im constantly shaking due to the thought of him being so close and every noise and movment i think hes going to jump out and get me and rape me again. alot of people that i know knew him and they all know what he done but alot of them dont belive it and accuse me of lieing. when i walk down the street at night i keep thinking him or his friend are going to get me I NEED HELP I CANT KEEP GOING ON LIKE THIS

Dee xxx