I'm sorry, this is a bit long and rambling.
I'm so tired of being afraid. I look back on my life, and there's so much fear there, it's leaking out, it's poisonous.
When I was very little, even before the abuse, I was horribly, painfully shy. Afraid of people. People have always been my biggest fear, I suppose. What they're capable of. And I don't care what you're scared of, I can't imagine a fear more debilitating than people. Particularly when you're a kid, because when you're an adult, you can go live off by yourself, but when you're a kid, you have to go to school, have to meet your parents friends, have to go places. When you're older, if you want to be a hermit, no one can stop you. Not when you're little. I'm still shy. Only now I cover it up better. You don't have to act shy to be shy.
Then came my abuse, which, by the way, did not help with my fear of people at all. But it also gave me something else to be afraid of. My abuser threatened everyone around me with horrible things if I ever told. So then I was afraid of him, naturally, but also afraid of myself. I was afraid that I would inadvertently give everything away. Accidentally kill everyone. I wasn't afraid to die, like so many are, but I was terrified of the people around me dying. When people, or even pets, close to me died, I would take it as a warning. As a sign from my abuser. A neon one saying "Don't tell."
But I did. I told, and I was afraid of it all coming true. Because you see, it was out of my hands then. I couldn't control who knew, or what happened. I've been lucky, in that he never followed through with his threats, but terrified still by the looming prospect of death. It's been almost exactly six years since I told, and I'm still terrified that it could happen. Because you see, he made all these threats, but he never said when. Not once did he say when he'd follow through. And people can tell me whatever they want, nothing takes this fear away.
Along the way I picked up other, more...traditional fears. A fear of heights, of bugs, of smells. A fear of eating spoiled food, of getting lost, of getting left. A fear of the future. A fear of not being good enough, of being too good. A fear of addictions, of loss, of blood. That last one has haunted me since February, and is incredibly difficult. You don't realize it, but blood is everywhere, and even the amount of blood caused by a papercut can send me over the edge. A fear of driving. I'm nineteen and I can't drive. The longer I put it off, the scarier it gets. As time passes, it's not just my own driving that scares me, it's everyone else's. A million times a day, I find myself clutching the car seat, as I watch what I'm sure will be my last moments, only to be fine.
I spent my whole life being afraid of ticking people off, of having them hate me. So I danced around, didn't say what I really felt, what I really meant, and tried not to upset anyone. I was so afraid that I'd make my friends angry and they wouldn't want to be my friends anymore. But finally, one day, I said what I was feeling. And you know what? They were so used to me being nice all the time, that they got mad, and now we're not friends anymore. And you know what else? I'm going to be okay. The world didn't end, they didn't come after me with guns, or knives, buildings are still standing, and the sky is still far away. I lost some of my best friends, and that hurts. But it's not worth being afraid all the time. I've survived worse pain. I can survive this. It hurts, but I'm less afraid of losing my friends now. And that, I think, is a good thing.
I'm so tired of being afraid. I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want this half-life existance. I don't want to be afraid to live. But I don't know how to stop. I don't trust people, because I'm so afraid they'll hurt me. Even my no-longer-close friends, I never trusted. I suppose there, at least, I was right not to. But I don't want to live this way. I don't want this. Fear is so tiring. Does anyone know how to make the fear go away? Please. I need this to stop, one way or another. I don't want to be afraid anymore.