I've had a specific harm in mind for at least a week now. I won't describe it, (don't want to give anyone ideas) but suffice it to say that it would most likely be very painful (obviously), and debilitating, and would last for a while, and be a particularly stupid idea, as opposed to the usual brand of stupidity. Sorry. I hope that doesn't offend anyone. Well, my plan was to wait until after break, when I wouldn't have my family notice. (The goal was that no one would notice, but I particularly didn't want my family to.) I would like to point out: I knew this was a bad idea, I knew it was idiocy, but I wanted it anyway. I thought maybe if I put it off long enough, the urge would fade. (It's happened before.) Well, last night, I decided not to wait. I wanted to do it. I was going to go back to my room, and harm, and hang the consequences.
So, at about 3 in the morning, I went back to my dorm (It's finals week. Time is meaningless.) and when I walked out of the building I'd been in, it was raining. I had this sudden crazy idea. What if--instead of harming--I went for a walk? It wasn't as clear and simple and content as that sounds, it was much more desperate.
I went back to my room, dropped off most of my things, and by 3:20, I was gone.
Picture this: It's 3:30 a.m., raining reasonably well, dark (obviously), and I'm wandering the streets, alone. It tells you something that that was my better option. For an hour and a half, I walked. I walked by the train tracks, and thought about standing on them, but I didn't. I walked by two fairly decent overpasses, and thought about jumping off, but didn't. I walked through bad and good areas of town, through residential and commercial areas, and past a graveyard.
I stopped once, at the very beginning of the walk, for about five or ten minutes, and watched a train roll by. The sound of it forcing through the air thrummed against my ears, and I wanted to stay and watch more. But I kept going.
I didn't think much. At first, I was running. Two minutes after I left, the rain slowed and nearly stopped, and I begged, in a cracked voice, for it go on. I didn't know why, but I needed the rain. Later, I was in almost a trance. I liken it to a religious ecstasy, a sort of desperate blind following mixed with a not-quite-happiness. I don't know how to describe it.
I got back to my room at 4:50, an hour and a half after I left. I was dripping wet, could barely see through the rain on my glasses, and wasn't doing too well, healthwise to begin with, but I felt so much better mentally. I went to bed at 5:30, and I hadn't harmed.
I woke up today, and I still felt pretty good. For about 45 minutes. Then it occured to me that I could still do it. I left, I went and did things, and, perhaps an hour later, I found myself in a school bathroom with my weapon of choice, a cup of boilingly hot water.
I stood there, and thought about it and...I poured the water down the drain.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Usually when I write these notes, I know where I'll end up. Now I don't. I guess I'm fighting this off. Still. And I just wanted to write it all out. That's a terrible ending, but it's what I have.