So I've been wondering for a while if maybe there was abuse when I was really young that I just couldn't remember. I have no memories that directly suggest abuse, just a few that are kind of suggestive that something was wrong. I remember (before the abuse happened) when I was less than six years old, engaging in dangerous and possibly self-harmful behavior...not cutting, but risky things, like going near dogs that were known to bite, and similar actions. I wanted so badly to be special, I would have done anything to make it happen. I talked to my therapist about it, and she asked me "What's wrong with wanting to be special?" So I was trying to explain to her that this wasn't right. Other kids get good grades, or play sports, they don't try to get bitten by dogs. I mean, that's not normal, is it? There should be a reason behind it. She kept asking if it mattered if I'd been abused and couldn't remember it. If it would make a difference. If it would change anything. I don't know. I just want to believe that I was happy, once. That my whole life hasn't been a desperate ploy to get attention. That I didn't always want to die, and hurt. That things were good. Is that wrong? I don't want to have always been the person I am now! I don't want to have always been a self-injurer. I want to believe that I don't have to be this way. But if I was that way to begin with, then maybe it's part of who I am. Maybe I will always hurt myself. Maybe there's nothing I can do to stop it. I don't know...thoughts?