Okay, so I thought I would return to the site to write an update on what's been going on in my life and my mind recently. I have now told my mum what happened to me. She cried - That's the only other time I've seen my mum cry, other than when my Grandad (her Dad) passed away. So yeah, it hurt her a lot. We didn't really talk about it in detail. I didn't want to go into that. But we was arguing and brought into it that I've been a b*tch for years and I couldn't take it anymore. I hated her thinking I was a silly selfish teenager. When it wasn't that at all. I understand that it was kind of a cry for help. And no one came to help me which would frustrate me further.
I think now, I am as fully healed as I will ever be. I still have crap days where I feel like I wish I was never born and I really hate them days. I do still get tempted to pick up the knife or the scissors or anything sharp - The other week it was was a broken piece of mirror. And I carefully dragged the sharp edge over the top of my thigh, which left a red mark, but then I stopped myself. I know it does not solve anything. It just added physical pain to the mental and emotional pain you already feel. I can talk more about it to some people now, people I'm close with. I have noticed though that if you do tell a guy you are close with it can mess things up a bit. I feel like I don't want to tell them, but I feel it is right for them to know, as sometimes when it comes to sexual activites, I get a bit scared, or freeze up as memories come flooding back into my head. But, I suppose if the guy I was with was worth it, then they would stick around even with these problems and would help me through them. So I just need to find someone who appreciates me for the person I am.
I was considering helping out in some way with others that are going through the things I have been through. Maybe going to my local police force and seeing if there is anything I can help with. As I know how it feels, to hit rock bottom and want to die and feel like there is no point in being here, looking in the mirror and hating what is staring back at you. Feeling alone, scared and empty. It sucks. I still feel like it at times. But, I want to try and make them realise that things do improve. Yes, it can take years. For me it has taken 4 years to even be at this stage and I hope to improve further in the future. But I do feel ready to share my story with others to try and help the situation they are in.
Stay strong :)