I know my profile says I am healing, but I still have my 'off' days, and this is one of them.

I have not confessed fully to everything on here. Since the event a few years ago, in the last couple of months, someone else decided to make me a victim all over again. Someone, who KNEW about the first time. I really don't understand how they could do such a thing...

And the fact that they are related to me, makes it even worse. I'm not going to go back to my old ways of self harming, but my mind is screaming out. When will this end?

Okay, so I thought I would return to the site to write an update on what's been going on in my life and my mind recently. I have now told my mum what happened to me. She cried - That's the only other time I've seen my mum cry, other than when my Grandad (her Dad) passed away. So yeah, it hurt her a lot. We didn't really talk about it in detail.  I didn't want to go into that. But we was arguing and brought into it that I've been a b*tch for years and I couldn't take it anymore. I hated her thinking I was a silly selfish teenager. When it wasn't that at all. I understand that it was kind of a cry for help. And no one came to help me which would frustrate me further.

I think now, I am as fully healed as I will ever be. I still have crap days where I feel like I wish I was never born and I really hate them days. I do still get tempted to pick up the knife or the scissors or anything sharp - The other week it was was a broken piece of mirror. And I carefully dragged the sharp edge over the top of my thigh,  which left a red mark, but then I stopped myself. I know it does not solve anything. It just added physical pain to the mental and emotional pain you already feel. I can talk more about it to some people now, people I'm close with. I have noticed though that if you do tell a guy you are close with it can mess things up a bit. I feel like I don't want to tell them, but I feel it is right for them to know, as sometimes when it comes to sexual activites, I get a bit scared, or freeze up as memories come flooding back into my head. But, I suppose if the guy I was with was worth it, then they would stick around even with these problems and would help me through them. So I just need to find someone who appreciates me for the person I am.

I was considering helping out in some way with others that are going through the things I have been through. Maybe going to my local police force and seeing if there is anything I can help with. As I know how it feels, to hit rock bottom and want to die and feel like there is no point in being here, looking in the mirror and hating what is staring back at you. Feeling alone, scared and empty. It sucks. I still feel like it at times. But, I want to try and make them realise that things do improve. Yes, it can take years. For me it has taken 4 years to even be at this stage and I hope to improve further in the future. But I do feel ready to share my story with others to try and help the situation they are in.

Stay strong :)

I need to learn how I can stop self harming. It's getting worse. The reason I do is to inflict physical pain on myself so it masks the mental and emotional pain that I feel inside. Up untill now, I was scared. I just used to end up marking the top layer of skin on my arms and the marks would just be gone by the next morning. But, over the last 2 weeks, I've done it twice and actually drawn blood. The cuts are still there. There is an even worse one on the top of my thigh. It hurts. I really don't know where to get help with this kind of thing. I told my doctors I have been raped when I went to get checked for any STI's and they didn't even give me any information on where I could get any help. It's been 3 years now. I'm sick of feeling like this. I kind of hoped that one day this mess would just disappear and I would be happy again. I hoped that one day I would be able to wake up and that I wouldn't be hurting anymore. On the outside, people view me as a 'strong' and 'happy' person, but on the inside it couldn't be any more opposite. On the inside, I feel broken, torn into tiny pieces, all by him. I feel as if I am not in control of the person I am. Stranded. Deserted. Alone. I wish that I did have someone close to that I felt I could talk to. I really wish I did tell my mum that night I came home and sat there, as if everything was ok. I really don't know why I didn't. Maybe because I couldn't bare to see her upset and the pain it would cause her inside. I didn't want to see her pain as well as the pain I feel myself, I don't think I would have been able to cope. Or maybe I was scared that it would change our relationship. She might view me as dirty and used. Or maybe it was because I was ashamed. Scared. Broken. I also have very severe anger and depression problems which has put a very big strain on people close to me, especially family. I wish that they could see what these outbursts actually mean, and not just that I'm an immature teenager with no respect for the people around me. Sorry for rambling on. It's now 6:30 in the morning and I still haven't been to sleep yet. So I'm gonna go try. Goodnight x

He was a friend. Someone I trusted. We was out with friends as we had been before. Things seemed to be going well. It was then getting late and friends were starting to go in for the night, so I went back to his to call a taxi. We went in his house. No one seemed to be in. I just sat down on the sofa and we was watching tv. He then randomly asked me to have sex with him. I said no, shocked that he had even thought about asking me. He didnt want to take no for an answer. He started trying to kiss me and started trying to pull my clothes off. I said no over and over again, telling him to stop. He didnt listen. I tried to restrain from him, then he started slapping me. It started off as a fairly sharp slap, which then turned into punches in my ribs, I couldnt breathe. I didnt know what to do, I couldnt even move I was in such a state of shock and terror. He then continued to take it further, by pulling off my jeans and raping me. I said no again but he wouldnt stop. I just lay there, tears rolling down the side of my face not knowing what to do. It didnt last long, a couple of minutes, but the damage was done. The taxi arrived and I just walked out without saying a word to him. Once I arrived home I walked in my front door and sat down, my mum and brother was watching tv. Maybe I should have told them. Maybe I wouldnt be in the situation I am today if I told them. But no, I sat there, like everything was ok. Up to this day it effects my everyday, there isnt one day that goes by where I dont think about it. I sometimes think, did i let him do it? Did I not do enough to stop him? Maybe I didnt try hard enough?