It's been along time since i've posted a message here. I've been through alot, and come to know a different me. A more positive, optimistic me. I've been in a state where my abuse was behind me for the last few years. Finally working through my first BIG struggle with it all. I've lived the last two years where my abuse wasnt all i ever thought about. And it is beautiful.
However, recent issues with my littlest sister going through some pretty tough shit, my own past has been knocking at the door. And it's not even about my own abuse.
See, I am the oldest of seven children. Four are my step-siblings through marriage of my father and their mother, and we are all a very tight family. My biological sister is my little sister. Through out our abuse, I thought I had done everything to keep her safe from what I was experiencing. I, in a subconcious way, denied that it ever happened to her because I was so involved in my own shit. I know it's not my fault that it happened to her, but I feel the guilt. It didnt sink in for me that she was abused by the same man, until I was 20 years old. We were drinking together one night and she told me something about what this man used to say to her while he was abusing her. And it hit me so hard that for months all I felt was the guilt that I didnt save her like I led myself to believe. The guilt that I hadnt even talked to her about it because i was so involved in myself. I pretty much raised my brother and sister since I was 12, and I was proud of what a good job I did. Then to have to suddenly feel the guilt that I didnt do so well hit me. I didnt do a good enough job protecting her when it counted most.
What is bringing all of this up is lately I've been thinking about the times I would go to my Nana's cottage for weeks and how they are some of my happiest times because it was when I got away from all the shit at home for a few weeks. The guilty part about it that I am now realizing is, when I was away feeling free and happy to be away, my little sister who was maybe 5 at that time, was being abused. Not once did I ever think maybe she could come too.. And I feel so guilty about it it's insane. I didn't do nearly a good enough job keeping her safe when it counted most.
I am 24 years old, and my sister is pregnant with her second child. Her son just turned a year in september, and he is such a beautiful little boy. I never knew a person could love someone so much until he was born. My sister just celebrated her fourth year with her boyfriend, who is a lazy ass, but loves her more than anything. She's such a beautiful person, so full of love. I like to think I had something to do with it.
But I just feel so guilty for not doing something more back then. It hurts so much inside.
My mom always tells me, "I always thought something was going on, I was just waiting for you to say something." I'm working on forgiving her for not doing something, and at times I feel like I have, but then I dont think I have at all. I try not to blame her, this man almost killed her multiple times. She was her own mess the four years she was with this man. Everyone told her to get out of the situation. To leave him. But she didn't.
My dad just celebrated his 21st year in recovery. I know it's anonymous, but it's something I am proud of him for. But during the years we were in this abusive situation, my dad never once thought to ask me if everything was okay at home. I think he knew my mom was being beaten up. I'm not sure if he ever noticed my sister and I were being abused as well. And i get angry thinking, "How could you not know? How could you not see it in our eyes?" I feel like my dad was so self-involved with his many girlfriends and his recovery that he failed to see what was going on with his children.
My brother had an episode once where he almost attacked my sister, I told my dad that he needed help. He asked me, "What am i supposed to do about it?" I was dumdfounded. You're our dad. Do something!
I'm still very angry about a lot of things. i see it, I know that I am. I'm working on it. But the guilt I feel inside over everything... it's overwhelming.
I dont want to be angry, I dont want to place the blame on anyone but where it belongs. On the douchebag who hurt my family. I just want to be happy, to live, laugh and love. It's so hard sometimes.