So I've been noticing a lot of things about myself lately. One that actualyl has been bugging me a lot lately is the dislike/fear of being without clothes. I don't even like taking showers that's how bad it is. I've nener had this problem before. It's only started within the last year or so.. I can't figure it out. It's kid of like how I didn't bcome afraid of baloons until I was fiteen, and now I am pretrfied of them. I can barely hold myself together being in the same rm with baloons. its freaky... does anyone else notice themselve developing new "bad" habits or fears?

I've been going back to the old blogs I used to write on lately... From the years 2005 and 2006, I was one messed up cookie... A lot of the posts that were on some of the many I started, I didn't even remember writing.. I've always been a writer, it's one of my passions. This one stood out amongst the rest this evening... Please remember, I was 18 when I wrote this...

Fear of Dying
Saturday, December 10, 2005

"I'm not afraid of standing still I'm just afraid of being bored I'm not afraid of speaking my mind I'm just afraid of being ignored I'm not afraid of feeling and I'm not afraid of trying I'm just afraid of losing And I am afraid of dying Without you yes I do and I hope that you do too Without you yes I... I'm not afraid of being sick I'm more afraid of being well I'm not afraid Put the gun in my hand I'm just afraid it will hurt like (hurt like) hell I'm not afraid of screaming and I'm not afraid of crying I'm just afraid of forgetting And I am afraid of dying..."

I remember when I was a lot younger. I often times woke up to my mum's screaming and his yelling. He was always putting down my father and was always telling my mum that shewas going to leave him and go back to my father. That was one of the 'reasons' he would beat my mom.
A lot of times, me and my sister would wake up to the sounds of smashing and crashing and my brother would wake up in his own room and come into mine and my sister's bed because he was scared. The yelling and smashing continued as if we didn't even exist, upstairs, huddling together in my room. We would later find out the all the smashing and crashing was my mother being thrown through our breakable furniture and on the walls and such else.
For most of my childhood, I grew up to almost be accustomed to this life style. Why my mother never left him earlier still baffles me.

Sometimes I blame her for a lot of things that happened in my childhood. If things were so wrong and she knew that they were affecting me and my sister, why didn't she try harder, earlier to get us out of there?
My brother 'seems' to not be affected, but my mother's abuse affects Chelle a lot more than it does even my mother. She gets physically violent by the smallest things when she's angry. Though she is good-tempered and can take quite a bit before she blows up. But it's making her physically violent or want to be when she blows up. I hurt for her. I want to take that pain of my mother's abuse away. And the ultimate sad thing about it is that my mother doesn't even realize this.

She is too involved with her new boyfriend, who is an idiotic drunk, to notice when her children need her the most. But it's nothing new.
Unfortunately, we've grown accustomed to this lifestyle. Neglect, being ignored...It's nothing new. I endured four years of abuse before she noticed that things weren't okay for us. After almost six years, she finally got us out of that house. We lived with my father for the summer and moved into the house we've now lived in for the last eight years.

Lately, my abuse has been bothering me a lot. I've hit one of those patches in my life where I'm going to have to deal with it again. Go through it and deal with issues I might have cut out before, the last time I dealt with it. Branded for life but what can you do? Had it not have happened, I wouldn't be as strong and capable and self-aware as I am now. In a way I am grateful, though I'd love to take a sledge hammer to his head for stealing what was rightfully mine and no one else's, and I would if I ever saw him on the street and had a sledge hammer with me.

Maybe that's why I've been thinking about ***** (my ex) so much lately and wanting him back. He's the first I've ever given my body too willfully. He was the first love to know what had happened to me and still accepted me. He didn't look upon me with disgust. He loved me even more. He wished he could have held me in his arms when I told him. Which was over the phone because we hadn't yet met in person then.

But that was long ago, and things changed between us. He found something else to occupy his time, which it really was important. Not another girl just college. Which I respect. I was too much of a mess and he was to insensitive to just be a boyfriend and tell me he loved me. He was just to self-involved to realize that all I anted to for him to hold me and tell me everything was alright.

But I didn't blame him for what happened and I don't blame myself either. There's no one and nothing to blame. When he's ready to re-open his heart to me, maybe I'll accept it freely again. I know how worse it can get and how much better it could have ever been. We're older now and will be a lot older by then. Life will start over again soon. On our own and living out of our parents homes. Things could start all over again between me and him.

I was talking to ****(my ex best friend) the other week and he read MSN name which said "Would it make a difference if I told you I still loved you?"

He told me I needed to find someone new and I told him that it took too much effort. Then he said, "So you'll go back to him because you're too lazy to find someone new? ...That's pathetic." And I said, "no I never said I wanted to go back with him, only that I still loved him."

But I do want to go back to him. Not because I don't wanna go look for someone else. I did that. And he broke my heart even before I could begin anything. I don't want to go through the whole conversation of my abuse and my past and explain why I am the way I am. If anything, with ***** (my ex) I'd have to explain the way I am anyway. Although he hasn't really changed at all in personality, I have changed dramatically I'm more self-assertive, more self-confident and know what I like and dis-like. He'd have to get use to that change. I'm more open...or I try to be.

.....I'm just rambling now. I'm going to bed it's really late and I only stayed up to write this. I didn't think it was going to take me this long to write this. I didn't even plan on writing all this about *****. It just fit and blended in with the original topic.

Hey you!!! Make my life better and maybe I'll be happy for once.

Kissed by 'Saylyn @ 12/10/2005 06:14:00 AM

Maybe I'll be happy for once... It's been four years since taht day.. I think I've known even just a little bit of happiness since then. I am so glad I found my little one Sadie, my inner child. The light of my exsistnce now. We've come from some dark times, and it'll only get better from here. Love you Sadie!! Never leave me!

Hey guys, I'm going to try on this site again even though when it comes to this website, I feel that it is somewhat of a sacred place for me, so me doing the kind of "advertising" of my music and stuff, I don't feel appropriate doing here. Even if my music is a HUGE part of my healing journey, as it centres around my sexual abuse, and my feelings towards it.

I held a Child Abuse Awareness Event back in April, and I planned it all by myself and held the funraising events for it and everything. Well this year, My Goddess has shown me a doorway. I've entered a contest called the WhoInspiresU.ca video essay contest. What you do is make a 3 minute or less video about who inspires you and why, what you aspire to do or be and what you would do if you won the grand prize of $10,000.

So i've entered, and my plans are to use the money to go to my Child Abuse Awareness Events. I am a husge advocate for Child and Sexual Abuse Awareness, and I've spent many months now trying to get the word out about the effects of abuse, and the effects of keeping it a secret.

I have many dreams, and i owe it all to the one who inspires me to do it all.

So the winners of the first round need the most views on youtube. So Here I am, and I hope that you do not think badly of me doing it here, as I feel terrible writing this right now. However, I need the views, so I can continue to help make a difference for the children with no voices, who cannot find they're voices, who are to scared to find their voices.

Please, I ask you all, to help me help make a difference in a worl wide epidemic. Child Abuse is so world wide spread, it's sickening to read about a baby boy have frying grease splashed all over his body, or his skin being burned off with a hair blower, or a father eating his little boy's eyes (This is very graphic). Please help me out! We need to win this so badly.

If you'd like to check out my Awareness Event Photo-video, there is a link on my Video essay that will take you to it.

If you could pass it on, and help us out, because it's not just only me anymore, some of my family is involved inthe aareness events now, and we're currently trying to figure out how to go about planning a walk-a-thon for october's Child Abuse Prevention month.

So here is the Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7os2HjpZ50I

I hope no one thinks badly of me by doing this here on this site. I just need to get it out there as much as I can. Thanks a lot to everyone! <3

Hey guys, so when it comes to this webiste, I feel that it is somewhat of a sacred place for me, so me doing the kind of "advertising" of my music and stuff, I don't feel appropriate doing here. Even if my music is a HUGE part of my healing journey, as it centres around my sexual abuse, and my feelings towards it.

But I held a Child Abuse Awareness Event back in April, and I planned it all by myself and held the funraising events for it and everything. Well this year, My Goddess has shown me a doorway. I've entered a contest called the WhoInspiresU.ca video essay contest. What you do is make a 3 minute or less video about who inspires you and why, what you aspire to do or be and what you would do if you won the grand prize of $10,000.

So i've entered, and my plans are to use the money to go to my Child Abuse Awareness Events. I am a husge advocate for Child and Sexual Abuse Awareness, and I've spent many months now trying to get the word out about the effects of abuse, and the effects of keeping it a secret.

I have many dreams, and i owe it all to the one who inspires me to do it all.

So the winners of the first round need the most views on youtube. So Here I am, and I hope that you do not think badly of me doing it here, as I feel terrible writing this right now. However, I need the views, so I can continue to help make a difference for the children with no voices, who cannot find they're voices, who are to scared to find their voices.

Please, I ask you all, to help me help make a difference in a worl wide epidemic. Child Abuse is so world wide spread, it's sickening to read about a baby boy have frying grease splashed all over his body, or his skin being burned off with a hair blower, or a father eating his little boy's eyes (This is very graphic). Please help me out! We need to win this so badly.

If you'd like to check out my Awareness Event Photo-video, there is a link on my Video essay that will take you to it.

If you could pass it on, and help us out, because it's not just only me anymore, some of my family is involved inthe aareness events now, and we're currently trying to figure out how to go about planning a walk-a-thon for october's Child Abuse Prevention month.

So here is the Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7os2HjpZ50I

I hope no one thinks badly of me by doing this here on this site. I just need to get it out there as much as I can. Thanks a lot to everyone! <3

So, I work at Tim Hortons, on nightshift. Lastnight started off like every other night. I've been working night shift almost two years now, aside fromthe few months I had off when I quite one store.

So lastnight I working, and a customer comes in, I look up and he looks ideticle to my abuser. I'm pretty sure it was him, but I havent seen him in almost 12 years. He looked shorted than I remembered, but then again, 12 years ago I was ten...

So I had to serve him, because my co worker wasn't available at the moment. I tried to subtley look at his face to see if infact it really was him, but I couldn't look for long. I gave hi his coffee, and tried to push him out the door with my mind as quicklry as possible... I began to freak out.. I had never been in that situation where I was alone, without any of my family near me, I was alone, and forced to have some sort of contact with him.

He kept looking at him in a peculiar way, I'm not sure if he recognized me, or maybe thought he knew me, if it even was him. Although, I am pretty sure it was him.

After he walked out of the store I fugured I could shrug it off because now he was gone, so I went out for a smoke, and just as i was going out the first door I noticed he was hanging around out front, so I quickly went to the other door and stood at the other side of the store. I had my smoke, and hoped that my daddy, who was coming to drop off some tylenol for me, was coming soon. I went back in and tried to atleast pretend to act as normally as I could, but when my dad came through the drivethru, I told him what had happened, and broke down into to sobs. I served the customers I had, and qiuckly went out to talk to my dad.

My dad walked around to the other side of the store where "He" had been standing and was still standing, but I didn't see what my daddy did. After he came around, back to me and my step sister Carleen and hugged me tightly. I wept as softly as i could, without attracting any attention. My Daddy rubbed my back and told me, 'It's okay Lindsay, he can't hurt you anymore."

My daddy's house was the place we came too when we escaped my abuser. My Daddy's house was the one safe place I could go to for two weekends each month. My Daddy was the one who would brush my hair when I was sick, and pat my hair while my head rested on his lap, while watching tv together. I grew up as Daddy's Little Girl, and it feels good to know that even now, me being 22 years old, I am still Daddy's Little girl.

So after my daddy managed to calm me down enough to go back to work, my nerves started getting worse, I couldn't pour the coffee into the cups i was shaking so badly. So my co-worker told me that he understood what i was going through and to go sit down for a couple of mintues. So I told him I I was going to make a phone call. I called my Mama-Bear, who is a very close family friend, and she helped calm me down almost all the way.

I knew that calling her would help the most because based on her experience as a survivor as well, she would pretty much know how to help me the most.

She told me, I am not a survivor. It was too weak a term to describe me. She called me a Warrior Princess, because since I was twelve, I've been fighting against my abuse by myself, I raised my brother and sister pretty much by myself, on top of doing so much more. She said that I must now hold my sword up high, and be my Warrior Princess self.

My daddy is my sheild, Mama-bear is the voice that keeps you  motivated, and i am the warrior... I am a Warrior Fighting against my sexual abuse... I am a Warrior... I am a Warrior ... I am.. a Warrior...

There are a lot of people in my life that have helped me become the person I am today. Mainly my parents and my siblings. This video is a tribute to some of the people who have helped make me me, and I appreciate them with my entire being. They have been my supporters, and have helped me get through a lot of the hard times, and some of the worst times when all I wanted to do was give up.

When it comes to getting through things, I rely deeply on the people around me to help me get through it,because when I was younger, I used to not want to feel like a burden on anyone, and so would try to deal with it on my own. It that process, I lost the love of my life, a best friend, (which was not really my fault as she went a little "nuts" in the literal sense) and a good realationship with my father. Which I've just recently, within the last year, got back, although not nearly the same as before, but still, it's back to me not feeling like a disappointment anymore. He may not show it, but I know he's proud of the person I have become.

I recently put together a Child Abuse Awareness Event, in respect to Child Abuse Awareness Month, which was April, and most of my support group came out to support me and the cause, and I love them all the more, those that showed up. During that event, my abuser walked by, not even noticing us, as his abused. My siblings were very young, I was 11 when we got out. And now I am 22. So it is understandable that he wouldn't recognize the children he forever destroyed. But even with that, we were able to help a few people, and in turn, my  "people" helped me get a little bit better through the few days I was hurt by the people who didn't show, and the fact that my abuser made an appearance, while I was singing about how he turned my life to crap, and turned me into an empty, hollow, shell of a girl once upon a time.

So this video is a tribute to those who have helped me out a long the way... and I love them very much for it. I dont think they realize just how much they mean to me.

So I had been planning a Child Abuse Awareness event since the end of february. And we managed to pull it off, and it was a success.

Unfortunately, towards the end of the event, while in the midst of singing one of my theSadieproject songs, which is solely about my abuse, who should so happen to pass by? Why my abuser decided to. I'm pretty sure it was unintentional, but never the less. It messed me up something awful, and it toook everything in me to not beat the pulp out of him with my guitasr, for the sake of my guitar...

Now, I'm not the only one he hurt in my family, he also sexually abused my younger sister, beat my mother coutless times, and has emotionally and psycologically traumatised my brother.

I told my sister when we finished the song, and by that time he was gone. I told my borther when we finally got home. He asked me why I didn't tell him. I told him that I didn't want him to get into trouble for killing someone, on a crawded city street, where here are tons of witnesses. He was angry at me for a bit, but I know he thinks the same. He'd never be able to get back from killing someone. Even if he hurt our entire family. I love my little brother, and my little sister. And in that moment, when I saw him, the rage for hurting such tiny vreatures, as they were back then, they are three years younger than me, I wanted nothing more in the world, than to hurt that sick, disgusting being, in the shape of a man.

I wanted to get back at him for ever making my mother think she was not worth it. I wanted to get him back for making me feel broken, and unloved. For being one of the main reasons my first love had to break up with me. For making me an empty shell for the most part of my adolescent life. For making me realize to early, that reality bites, and there is no such thing as make-belief. For turning my creativity off for too long. I wanted to hurt him in the same way he had hurt me and my family.

It messed me up something awful, and these last four days have been a hard struggle. It was only on saturday... and so I thought that my ultimate revege for him, would be, if I ever win an award for my music, to hit him where it hurts, and thank him for my success, the sick, dirty pedophile.

"Thanks for making me rich, thanks for making me a star, thanks for helping me show survivors of sexual abuse, that you can become so much more than an empty shell, with a broken voice, and hollow eyes. That I can be me again. That I can feel alive, and be loved."

I'm still fine tuning it, but it will be a work of art inside itself. I will rise above this, and make something of myself one day. I will become something, and he can no longer hurt me anymore...

...I think I just needed to get that off my chest...

theSadieproject-Click here to find theSadieproject music

So my brother came to visit while I've been spending a few days with one of my fellow survivors in my support circle.

This woman I love to death. Sometimes I don't think she realizes the true impact she has on my life. She's helped me through most of the hardest times these last few years. Her and her children have been such a huge part of my life. She is my Mama-Bear. That's what I call her.

Mama-Bear was introduced to me and my siblings when I was about 12. She and my father had started dating and were together for roughly three years. My siblings and I have grown up with her children as brother and sister. Even after Mama-bear and my dad broke up. We lost contact for a few years, but in the summer of 2003, I had managed to get a hold of her and that's where our now strong relationship had begun.

She is also a survivor, and has helped me get through a lot of the things that come with being a survivor. She helped me through my first real bout of depression, and through my break up of three years with my first boyfriend. She helped me find out that it was possible to get through the depression, even with her own to get through.

Her life was not an easy one, not in the least, and we've been trying to figure out a lot of the whys for it, together. She's my second mother, but also one of my most closest friends.

But back to my first reason for this message... my brother came up to visit, and we were watching that show, Robot Chicken. It opened with this sketch about the Snuggle bear and such. The character had picked up the bear and was saying how soft it was and then brought it into the bathroom, and then you could only hear the audio, while looking at the closed door.

The dialogue was somewhat brutal for me. The character was continuing to go on about how soft the bear was and then you heard the sound of the zipper un zipping and the bear was saying things like "This isn't right," "These are bad touches," and so on and so forth... My brother was laughing, and I sat there, staring... I'm pretty sure it triggered me, but I did nothing... Did nothing but feel sad, and kind of scared... I was very disturbed... I still am, and I'm feeling somewhat all over the place...

Like I've said in a previous entry, I try my hardest to not trigger myself, but with all the invovlement in abuse related activities I've been in, I think I've become more sensitive to things involving sexual abuse.

Since the end of february, I've been planning a Child Abuse Awareness Event, which will be on the 25th, for Child Abuse Awareness Month. I've been reading a lot about abuse and the statistics and reports in the news and such. I believe while heartedly that I am making myself more vulnerable to the outside sources, and am triggering myself into an almost empty like state.

I've spent the last almost 6 hours making signs for the event, and having to write out the symptoms and such about abuse, and the different types, I'm freaking myself out. To the point where I just want to give it all up and hide myself n my dark, little hole that I escaped only a year and some ago.

I just feel a little all over the place right now.. it's hard to not want to cry right at this moment. That show just threw me out of the water this evening... it made me want to give up the fight... maybe after some sleep, I'll feel better... yeah, maybe in the morning I'll feel a little stronger.

PS. Mama-Bear if you read this, I love you more than you know! <3 No matter what...

I've spent most of my life trying to keep my brother and sister safe, happy, fed, and protected. I'm not sure if my sister knows this, but I remember the last time I had to protect her from our abuser... well at least I hope I had kept her protected, because it stopped for me after that night.

It's been something I've been thinking about the last week or so..  I told my cousin Ashley that I am capable of telling people, "Yes, I was abused, and yes, it did happen, and yes, this is what I have become because of it." But I cannot speak of the details. I don't envy people who can, but am amazed at how other survivors are able to tell every detail.. I cannot. I have never actually experienced a full-blown flashback, or such, and it's something I wouldn't want to experience.

But this night I remember, I remember it because it was the last time he ever tried to touch me again, and a lot of people I've talked to, don't understand what I mean when I feel like I failed her, because I am no longer trying to fight the denial about my sister.. I've grown up practically raising my brother and sister, and to find out, you never really saved them from the abuse you've endured, it's a heart-wrenching experience to go through. It was like a smack in the face, that little moment of failure, has been haunting me for the last two months, and I've somewhat talked to her about it, but it's just to painful for me to even think about. Although I am here for her 100% if she needs me.

The Last Night

It was the night before my Uncle Ron and Auntie Grace's wedding. Chelle and I slept in our rec-room in the basement, watching movies. My mother and 'him' were drinking, as usual.

It's because of this that I feel so responsible for my brother and sister. My brother and sister, and I have really always been really close. Because at the end of the day the people I have left are my brother and sister.

I love my sister because she is caring. She always wants everyone to be happy. Her smile is usually always bright and shining. But lately I've noticed, she hasn't been smiling as often as usual, and it worries me. Something is bothering her deeply that it affects her very core. I want her to always be happy, and to never have to hurt ever again. I couldn't save her then, but I will try my hardest to keep her happy and make sure she makes the right choices, and gets herself the best out of life. Because I love her.

She is my best friend, my confident, the one person I know will not judge me, or get mad at the mess I've created of myself. I know that she will listen to me whenever I need it. And I know that she is proud of the person I have become, and it means the world to me to have the thought that maybe I didn't create such a huge mess of myself so that she could be somewhat inspired by, or proud, of me. I'm glad that I never followed through with those thoughts so long ago, if it wasn't for them, my brother and sister, my life would be over right now, and I wouldn't be writing this.

And although I may feel like a failure to my parents most of the time, I know that I will never, ever be a failure to the two people who matter the most to me.

So I'm really involved in bringing out the awareness of sexual abuse, ect. And I've started planning a few events for April's Child abuse awareness month. I'm just going through one of those weeks where 've just been thinking about my own a lot more than sual and it's got me down a bit... I sometimes think that what I'm doing is creating somewhat of a monster of myself.. Someties I feel like I'm keeping myself from moving forward, but at the same time feel that this is how I'm moving on.. I'm creating a little mess for myslef this week.

I am good at creating the mess.. it just takes so incredibly long to sort it out... maybe I'm just feeling a little lonely right now..  I have a good support circle around me, just lately when I talk to them about anything regarding it at all they just kind of lose interest in the conversation, or don't say anything at all... at least I have my sister. She is also a survivor, and she tries to help me whenever she can.

At least I have her...

This is my favourite photo of us. Left to right: My sister Michelle and Me.