Ok. . here goes. I became a part of PWP a long time ago. But it was too hard so i haven't been back to visit the site much. My abuse ended a long time ago. . . 18 years ago to be exact. I have sought counseling, and help, and healing, and even tried to turn it over to my faith. I have periods where i find myself thriving and growing and moving through it. . . and then. . . there are times where I feel like I'm 11 again and completely and utterly out of my mind.  I go in and out of these periods in my life where i feel completely and utterly f'd up (pardon my language here but there is no other word i can find to articulate it more clearly). I feel like I am about to sabotage my life, my relationships, my partnership, and my own happiness. I guess I had no where else to turn and I need someone to tell me that I will not forever feel like I'm so f'd up. I know its not true, but it feels so real. I feel like my abuse just ruined me. . . or do i just use it as an excuse to make f'd up choices. . .  now I am ruining others lives because I cannot allow myself to be loved, and in fact, sabotage those who will love me in the right way. . . I just need to know that someone, anyone, understands.

Has anyone heard from hidingthepain? My heart is breaking, I am sick to my stomach. I am so afraid another soul has been lost to the darkness that this wretched abuse entangles us in. I almost can't think, can't function because I am always checking this site to see if she has logged on. What do we do when this happens? What do we do when we lose one of our own? I can't get stuck in fear, I can't. It scares me. It scares me for her, it scares me for all of those hurting, and it scares me for me. . . because that could be me. What if one day we just can't take it anymore, what if we just lose hope. I've been there once, hoping to never go back again. I just envision her threats becoming real, of really taking her own life, or worse yet, him having taken it. And I break, I break, and I am broken for her. I feel like I've done so much healing, but her story reminds me of how painful it can be, how it can overwhelm the soul and just take it, just like our innocence, there one day, gone the next. How do you draw those lines? Not letting others pain overwhelm you when you know how much it can hurt, how hopeless it can feel?  Please be here hidingthepain. . . please be here.

I came to points with a purpose to connect, to find hope, to find support. It breaks my heart to see all of the suicide entries, and I'd like to add a few thoughts.  I KNOW THE PAIN, I get it, I've been there. No I may not know everyone's stories and may not understand tear for tear everyone's hurt, because we are all fighting our own battles. But don't we owe it to ourselves to see what we are made of, to rise up and overcome so those who have hurt us don't get the last say, so they don't win? Don't we owe it to ourselves to make our voices heard, to stand up for  ourselves and others who continue to go through the pain, to use our stories to lift others up, connect, help make the darkness less lonely, or to offer our shoulders to cry on? No matter how young or old we are, no matter if we are still being abused, healing from the pain, or moving on, don't we owe it to ourselves, to that child who didn't have a voice, to hang on, to live on behalf of that person/child that was abused, violated, battered, raped, and robbed? Don't we owe it to ourselves to LIVE?!?! Yes life is full of pain and hurt and unbearable shame and anguish. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just because you can't see it doesn't mean its not there. Just because you can't see the platelets in your blood, or the air that we breath, or the individual rays of light from the sun, doesn't mean that they don't exist. So does our freedom, it exists in us, it exists in the fight that we fight and the battle that we as survivors have to wage everyday. I encourage those of you, those of us, who are considering suicide to hold on, to have faith, and to not let them win. Never let them win. We will survive, united, and we need to live, to make our story an inspiration to ourselves and to others someday, so they too can live and keep a cycle going that is actually worth repeating. The cycle of reaching out, the cycle of supporting others, the cycle of life, of not letting our perpetrators win, of taking away their power and reclaiming ours.