Ok. . here goes. I became a part of PWP a long time ago. But it was too hard so i haven't been back to visit the site much. My abuse ended a long time ago. . . 18 years ago to be exact. I have sought counseling, and help, and healing, and even tried to turn it over to my faith. I have periods where i find myself thriving and growing and moving through it. . . and then. . . there are times where I feel like I'm 11 again and completely and utterly out of my mind.  I go in and out of these periods in my life where i feel completely and utterly f'd up (pardon my language here but there is no other word i can find to articulate it more clearly). I feel like I am about to sabotage my life, my relationships, my partnership, and my own happiness. I guess I had no where else to turn and I need someone to tell me that I will not forever feel like I'm so f'd up. I know its not true, but it feels so real. I feel like my abuse just ruined me. . . or do i just use it as an excuse to make f'd up choices. . .  now I am ruining others lives because I cannot allow myself to be loved, and in fact, sabotage those who will love me in the right way. . . I just need to know that someone, anyone, understands.