I am thinking... yet again...

i am not a real addict (i dont drink and i dont take drugs),

but i know anorexia, i know how it is if you cant stop hurting yourself, i know showering up to 10 times a day, getting up at night to take a shower, i know washing so often that the skin turns red and hurts, sometimes even gets so dry that it starts bleeding, i could go on here... there are so many things...

and i cant get rid of them...

i can at times handle the one addiction better and the other worse, but as soon as one gets better the other gets worse...

currently the worst is my unability to handle my working/studying...

i cant stop, the only thing i still like, i love, i feel anything about is my work, my studies...

i work through many nights... i cant stop...

i spend hour after hour in the library...

i forget to eat, i cant sleep...

i cant calm down...

as soon as i try to sit down i get anxious...

i am almost relieved when i can get up in the morning and jump out of bed at 4:30am... after 3 hours of sleep.......

i dont need to get up that early... but i cant help it...

i cant think about anything other than studying/working...

even right now writing this text i feel i should rather be studying than writing this text.

 

i just ... sorry... desperate...

I need to know whats going on with my brother...

Apparently he spent one night in a psychiatric hospital, in a psychiatric hospital i happen to know VERY well from the inside...

I i know to be the possibly worst psychiatric hospital ever...

so now... my brother was taken there a few days back from the police...

Apparently they went after him (because of somthing connected to him having been in a fight with someone and drugs again...)

so my brother started running and ended up climbing on a windowsill in the second story of a building...

my brother must have been very drunk...

the police thought he wanted to jump. so they considered him suicidal and brought him to the psychiatric hospital....

he only spent one night there. obviousely he told the doctors that he was just running from the police and that because he was drunk he didnt realize that it was stupid to jump out the window (he didnt jump, because the police got to him before he could jump, he just got onto the windowsill)

he told them he didnt want to commit suicide, he told them he just wanted to run from the police...

so they let him go after one night.

but i am not too sure if he really isnt duicidal... i think he might be...

i mean he is 18 and a drug addict, alocoholic...

and currelty in a situation that puts him under a lot of pressure...

 

so now i am trying to get in touch with either one of my "parents", but they keep hanging up on me...

they just pick up the phone and hang it up again without saying anything...

i dont know what to do...

i really need to know whats going on...

but i cant get in touch with anyone who might know anything...

i dont know what to do anymore...

what if something happened with my brother?

i am so worried...

i feel like i am falling apart, really dont know what to do anymore...

i am desperate...

please... i need him to be ok...

i need him to be all right and i need to know that he is alright...

Careful, this may trigger...

 

 

After years of abuse in my childhood/youth i felt worthless and i hated my body.

Most people on here probably know that feeling...

 

I started prostituting myself, in the internet. There are pages similar to ebay, where you can sell/auction your body.

On very many of those pages there wasnt much of a control of your age. If there was any you could easily fool it.

I wasnt of full age when i started it... far from it actually...

Quite bad risky behaviour... meeting men you dont know, there were many risks, from diseases to violent men and so on...

But i think it wasnt all about the risk, it was as well about the money, because i needed it (in some times REALLY bad)

I had good jobs too, yes, but i did the prostitution anyways... (even though i had jobs as a cleaner, waitress, helping younger students with their school work)

I mean i learned to dissociate... I could "leave" my body...

I could let the men do their thing...

I could stand the pain...

I could stand the disgust...

sort of...

 

But I think in some sick weird way it gave me some sort of confirmation as well...

as weird as this may sound...

But I tried to measure my value by how much people would pay to have sex with me...

Today I dont do it anymore...

But nonetheless I have the thought of "how much am i actually worth" coming into my head very often...

Right now I feel disgusting, worthless, and actually does what i wrote here intensify the feeling of worthlessness, because I read this about myself and it makes me realise it more intensively...

But still is my approach again to check my value by how much people would pay for me... sick... i know...

And there is a strong feeling to punish myself... The feeling of "you dont deserve better... you arent worth it... you arent good for anything else..."

But to punish myself a simple cut or burn on my body isnt enough anymore... Regardless of how many cuts or how deep...

I want something that really hurts, that really does something to you, that really does harm...

a short moment of pain doesnt seem enough...

And so i end up at the same point where i was before, where I was years ago...

At the point where i would take high risks with men, just to punish myself... to show myself what i think about myself... to show myself that i know how worthless i am...

Not because i like it, but because i hate it...

I hate everything sexual... I just hate it...

Right now i feel really really bad and worthless...

But to check my value like that... to do that to myself... to make myself feel that worthless.... that cant be the way... can it?

I dont feel any more valuable by doing this... If anything i feel less valuable.... and more disgusting... And thats sort of whats behint all of this, isnt it... punishment, proving "them" right, putting myself down...

Its not about the value, its not about proving anything to myself... I only prove "them" right...

Do i really want that?

Whats that carousel in my head? how do i stop it?

I spent the last three hours crying...

Which actually is an improval for me, I am finally able to cry again...

It hurts, it really hurts a lot, but isnt it better than feeling numb?

I got a call from my mother.

I wont go into detail on that call, because it doesnt matter.

The thing is that i was finally able to rule off my family.

I realized I dont have a family.

I was clinging onto something that wasnt there, something that wasnt existing for me.

It hurts so much, I hurt so much, I can even feel the pain physically, I feel like I cant stand it, like its going to kill me...

But I am finally free.

I might feel terribly lost and alone right now...

But why? I was that alone already before today. I never had a family.

But realizing it gives me the opportunity to see my life as it is.

And once you know what youre dealing with you might be able to handle it.

As long as you keep lying to yourself nothing will ever change.

Now I know I dont have a family, and i never will, I will never have a family like other people do.

But i can now that I know that start living my life,

start making friends.

start having my own self chosen family, isnt that even better than having a family pushed on you. Isnt it maybe better to chose your family yourself?

I feel like I can finally live my life, because I dont feel obliged to follow all those stupid rules anymore.

I finally feel like i am allowed to take responsibility for my own life.

I know that I still have a looong journey ahead of me, but I finally made a noticable step into the right direction.

I finally took the first step into a new life.

I know its not like everything is perfect from now on, it might even get worse, because i finally really feel the pain.

But in the long run it will get better and now it actually can get better, because i finally managed to make a decision for myself and i finally see and acknowledge my life for what it is:

I have a screwed up past, but why shouldnt i have a better future? I am just 21, i still have many years to come. it hurts, it really hurts bad and it will for a long time, but thats ok. I am a young woman who is perfectly capable of living her life, of making her own decision. I dont need to listen to the rules of my past anymore, because thats what they are, they are belonging to my past. They dont have any business in my present or even less in my future.

Today I am making a decision:

Screw my family, I dont need a family like THAT, I can live my life, on my own.

Hello everyone, i really need some advice.

my brother will soon (hopefully) graduate from High School.

I say hopefully because it isnt even sure yet that he passes.

Well, now he asked me today if i could come to his graduation ceremony.

But that would mean being close to the family and maybe even see them...

So i really dont know what to do...

Should i go? or should i not go?

my brother is really important for me... And i would really like to do everything he wants me to do...

It makes me happy that it obviousely means so much for him to have me there...

But i am scared too.

I cant be in that place...

I cant see my family...

I just dont know what to do...

 

any advice? -.-

yes, well, as you can see from the title this is really confusing for me...

i am writing on a book. sort of my book... i guess...

it tells my story, well i changed a lot of things (names, places, and so on)...

but it is still my story... sort of...

as you can see i cant even admit it to myself...

this writing confuses me... a lot...

it seems like something gets lifted from my shoulders...

at the same time something heavy falls into my stomach...

it helps me understand and it confuses me even more...

it makes me sad, it disgusts me, it makes me hate/love myself...

it gives me control it makes me lose control...

all in all it confuses me terribly...

i dont even know why i am writing this entry, i just thought maybe it makes sense...

i just need to write something...

i just need to...

sorry...

i wrote 89 pages so far...

many more to come...

 

This is getting really stupid...

Why is this happening?

I dont know what to do anymore...

I am having flashbacks, i cant sleep, i cant eat...

I am tired, absolutely tired...

The feeling of "i dont care about ANYTHING" is getting stronger and stronger...

I HATE my body so much!

I dont have any strength left...

I cut myself multiple times today... Didnt even feel it...

 

just dont know what to do anymore...

I feel like i dont have any control left...

Just want to disappear...

 

Why cant all this go away?

hi everyone,

i decided to put a message entry about this on here. In my country this is going all up and down the news, radio, TV, newspapers, its everywhere.

i cant go anywhere without hearing about it.

The sexual abuse in the catholic church....

Some of you know i am NOT in any way religiouse, i am not even a member of any church.

But this gets to me nonetheless.

Because it triggers me of course, but as well because i cant help but start wondering:

why are there SOOO many cases of abuse in the catholic church?

Is it because of the celibacy? Is it because those priests cant life in celibacy and thus take helpless children for their pleasure?

People trust their kids in the hands of the church...

And what happens to the kids? They dont learn about respect, they dont learn about not having sex before marriage, they dont learn about love, they dont learn about trust, about charity, about honesty, they dont learn anything about what the church claims to be all about...

THESE kids learn about fear, disgust, distrust, hurting people, disrespect... and so on... you all know what abuse makes of you...

There are parts in the bible, that talk in a sort of positive way about rape, about violence, so is it ok, after all, because it says so in the bible?

On the other hand, most religiouse people claim that these things should not be taken literally... (while on the other hand other parts of the bible should be taken literally, but this is another subject and not what this entry should be about)

So what is it? is it to be taken literaly after all?

Is it ok to do these things to other people? To KIDS???

this really makes me sick...

And the worst thing of all is that some church people claim in the public that none of it happened, that it is simply not true.

It took a really long time and a lot of pressure from the public until some of the church people took it seriousely...

Until some of them admitted that it is true...

Today the chairman of the bishops in this country is in the vatican to talk about it with the pontifex (whose brother by the way was in some church in whatever function of those where it happened during the periode of time [years] in which it happened...) They want to talk about it now... They might even talk about some form of compensation (abuse is and will always stay something, that you can never compensate!) for the victims, because some of the victims cant even charge their abusers anymore, because in their case it might have happened some years ago and thus falls under the statute of limitation. Rape and abuse should NEVER fall under the statute of limitation, but thats another subject yet again...

So there are constantly coming up more and more cases, more and more victims speak up about having been abused by church people. Up and down the country...

I dont get it, i just dont, it makes me sick...

There has not been until now a proper try to apologize, to acknowledge, to show respect, to do ANYTHING AT ALL for the victims.

If anyone wants to comment on this entry in any way, PLEASE dont try to convert me to any religion. I would really appreciate your comments, but please dont tell me to believe in god, or to pray for these kids or whatever... (i dont tell you to not believe in god, to not go to church, to not pray either. so i simply ask you to do the same for me.)

I wont pray for the victims, i will however send them all my good wishes and if there is any possibility i will write a letter to some public place. Maybe my radio station and ask them to read it in their program. A letter to the victims and as well to the abusers.

Thank you for reading and comments are appreciated.

I am 12 i think...

i am just back from school...

i am hungry, because as usual i am not allowed to eat anything that doesnt belong to me...

i am going through the kitchen...

opening one door after the other...

opening one drawer after the other...

nothing there...

i am really hungry...

i havent eaten in two days...

my stomach hurts i feel dizzy...

i find a pot full of honey...

i take it out of the cupboard knowing full well that i will regret it lateron...

i take a spoon and put a spoon full of honey in my mouth, no bread nothing but honey...

there is no bread there...

i just want one spoon full of honey...

it is sweet...

it makes the dizziness go away...

i feel better...

then a voice: "you greedy fat pig! eating our honey like that. Its not yours, its ours"

i am in shock...

i turn around slowly...

feeling stupid fat disgusting...

i put down the spoon my lips are still sticky...

he walks up to me takes the pot with honey and says: "eat! eat it all. now noone can eat it anymore but you. because you touched it"

i dont want to...

he makes me...

he makes me eat the entire pot of honey...

i feel sooo sick...

but i know if i throw up he will make me eat that...

i get a bad headache...

i feel sick...

i eat the entire pot of honey...

then he takes out a new one...

but he doesnt make me eat that one...

he makes me take off my cloths...

he smears the honey all over my body...

he eats the honey off of me...

then rapes me...

calls me greedy fat pig all the time...

 

i am all sticky... i am sick... i am hurt...

i cant walk...

i have to throw up...

everything goes black, i dont remember anything more...

 

 

Today i cant eat honey anymore. i am sick i have a bad cold and my boyfriend thought he would do me something good and made me a tea with honey in it, because its good for the throat. Thats when i got the flashback. Now i know why i dont like honey.

I have a great boyfriend, I really do.

We want to get married and everything.

And I think I love him, at least as far as it is possible for me right now having quite a limited spectrum of feelings and the ones I do have being not very deep.

But right now I think the relationship is falling apart because we are together too much.

I feel dependent and I hate that feeling.

I feel like he is more of a therapist for me than a boyfriend, more of a babysitter, than an eye to eye partner.

That doesnt work.

At some point this will destroy our relationship and I dont want that.

So in order to save our relationship I think it would be best, if I left for a few days.

Its just always a little dangerous for me to leave on my own.

But I dont have any friends. So I cant go visit a friend for some days, I have to go on my own.

 

So now I am scared to make that decision, what if something happens, while I am gone.

I will be angry with myself, if something happens, because than I would be fully responsible for the fact that something happened.

But seriousely, I cant stay inside ALWAYS!

I cant only go out so little and only accompanied by my boyfriend.

That doesnt work,

I want my life, but I want a real life.

I want a life!!!

I want to be able to decide "I am leaving for a few days" not being scared something might happen.

I need to think, I need to be on my own, I need to be free, I need to breath!

I want to leave for a few days, only 4 days or something, only going to a near by city, nothing much.

But I dont want anything to happen...

Last time I left on my own they got to me again...

I dont want that to happen again.

I just want some days for myself.

 

Is that possible??

This is so not fair.

I want to do this, just a few days...

 

I cant be with him ALL THE TIME!!!

I dont have anybody but him.

I never see another face.

 

Just a few days.................

I have been thinking a lot lately, about different things, one of which being the fact that I have difficulty making decisions and that I hold on to strange rules that are not even existing and that I have difficulties accepting rules that exist in the "real" world, the one I am living in.

Well, that's not entirely acurate now. I don't have so much difficulty accepting those rules, but I have difficulty accepting that they apply to me.

I don't see myself as part of this world, I feel that to me different rules apply. Rules from the "other" world.

 

I will try and describe, just describe those two different worlds.

the real world is the world we are all living in right now. There are people there that are not dangerous, you argue with them, but then you make up with them later. There are people who help one another, you can accept this help, it is ok. I live in a social state, a state, where people support each other by paying taxes. People who dont have work get money to live their lives. People who are sick get assistance. Parents have to pay for their kids up to a certain age. Kids are in the same health insurance as their parents up to a certain age. All this is written down in laws. You can make decisions on your own. You can decide which shoes you want to buy. You can decide which t-shirt you want to wear. and so on... Those are the rules.

 

The "other" world is different though. Different rules apply in the other world. You can't make any decisions on your own. You have two t-shirts, they both look completely the same, they are both dark grey. So you can wear the one and wash the other. You ALWAYS buy the same things in the same shop. You never change to another product. When one t-shirt is broken you might get a new one, if you are a very very nice kid, BUT you only get the same like last time. From the same shop looking the same. You eat the same things over and over again. Not the same every day though. But there is only a very limited number of different meals. And you can NEVER chose. The major rule is that the grown ups in the family are always right. (but if you grow up and are of full age you are still the kid and the grown ups are the grandparents and the parents, still... This doesnt have anything to do with age) This rule overwrites any other rule. So, in the other world there is basically no room for individuallity, no room for making decisions, no room for yourself actually... Though you live in that world.

 

So now, the problem is, that you don't always stay in the other world. That doesn't work. You visit the real world, where all the kids at school wear different clothes ever yday. Where they make decisions for themselves. You don't fit into that world. The other kids think you are disgusting for wearing the same clothes EVERY day. Though they don't realize, that its not one and the same t-shirts. Its two, so you can wash your clothes and the one you are wearing is always clean. In the real world people ask you to make decisions. Things like if your pen doesnt work asking you "do you want to borrow my black or my blue pen?" and you are completely overstrained with that question. You cant make a decision. And suddenly you try to live in the real world, a real life in the real world on your own. And you realize, that there are rules, that apply to you as well... All of a sudden. But you can't accept those rules. The rules that apply in the other world are stuck in your head, your mind, your body, your soul, everywhere. You can't distance yourself from them. They are always there, sometimes you don't even realize it. You can't accept money you get for your education, you can't because you are not legitimate for the money. You think this rule doesn't apply for you, because in the other world it doesnt. If someone of the family tells you something thats completely different than the rules in the real world, this applies to you, no matter what. If you buy things, you try to buy in the same shops than the ones you always bought in in the other world. You buy the same things. You get in panic when you don't follow the rules, though they are not the rules from the real world...

That is like doing physics assuming that there was no such thing as gravitation. Applying the rules from another world to the one you are living in... It doesn't work...

 

I am not completely satisfied with my description, but i am going to leave it at that for now. Maybe I will add a few things to that later on, but for now this is too much for me.

 

If anyone has any ideas on how to solve those problems, I would be grateful to hear them. If not that's ok too. I am just happy to have written this down now.

Hello,

after a longer time of absence its me again.

Some of you know my relationship to my lil brother. (love him very much, feel guilty about failing him)

So now, this is the new situation:

Apparently he got arrested somehow related to drugs.

He got arrested together with two others (my brother is 18, the other two were 23 and 30).

So the following is only my guessing, because i dont know the exact charges against him.

I believe the other two were taking advantage over him, because he is still quite young and addicted.

But now the thing is, that they did let the other two go!!!

but they kept my brother.

This is unfair, how could he possibly have gotten the other two into this stuff?

he is the YOUNGEST!!! obviousely they got him into that...

WHAT the hell happens there???

I dont understand whats happeneing?

Why do the others get to leave and he is still there?

I dont understand...

And i would really like to know the charges...

He is only 18... and i failed him... its all my fault...

i feel so guilty...

and i cant even go there and find out more myself, because i cant go near that place. i cant... i cant have contact with any of my family, i cant...

so, i am failing him yet again...

i cant help him...

but i cant go, i cant, i cant do anything, what should i do?

WHAT should i do?

 

 

Hello everyone.

Havent been on here in a while, at least not really.

I am leaving tomorrow morning to go to the hospital.

Its only a few more hours and i am still trying to pack my bag...

I am not very succesful trying...

i am very scared and i keep yelling at my boyfriend...

he wants to help me and i tell him he does everything wrong...

(he doesnt)

i keep telling him its his fault that i have to go to the hospital

(it isnt)

but someone inside of me thinks so, because if he had just left me there...

if he hadnt taken me away from there...

i wouldnt get to go to the hospital now...

stupid huh?

he is trying to help in every way possible and i yell at him for no good reason...

trying to stop... but doesnt work all that well...

I am just so damn scared...

can someone please tell me that its going to be all right?

I need everything to slow down a little...

i cant do this anymore...

everything is on high speed right now...

i am back from my week with the "family"...

a person who was very important to me died...

i am sad...

my brother looks like a real junkee... worse than ever...

makes me sad...

and its my fault...

he needs a beer in the morning to get out of bed.

His "exgirlfriend" needs to bring a beer to his bed in the morning so that he can get up at all...

(i wrote "exgrilfriend" because i dont really know how she is his exgirlfriend... she spends 95% of the nights and days with him...)

my brother looks so weak...

his hands shake if he doesnt get his drugs/alcohol...

he is a drug addict...

an alcoholic...

he just turned 18...

he is 1.90m high (6,53ft)

and he weighs 59kg (130,07Ib)

so he seems to have a problem with food

(either a real eating disorder or it comes with the drug addiction... while on drugs you dont notice that you are hungry... and he probably only cares about his drugs, not about food...)

i dont know what to do about anything anymore...

 

i just got the date when they take me into the hospital...

i will be going there on the 9th of november...

this is sooo soon. i dont know what i need to take there...

i dont know what i need to do before going there...

i dont know if i will manage to go there...

i am so nervous.,..

this is so soon...

 

Slow down... please...

i cant think straight anymore...

i dont even know whats going on anymore...

half of the time i dont know what i am doing...

most of the time i cant tell you what i did just 5 minutes before...

i cant really participate in any conversation, because i will forget what was said seconds later...

sometimes i just dont understand what people say... it is either as if they speak another language or i just cant hear them. i can see their mouth move, but it is as if i were deaf...

 

please...

...

help...

...

someone...

...

i just need a moment of silence...

a moment without pain...

My boyfriends mother thinks i am unforgiving and unthankful...

but she doesnt even know a damn THING about what happened between my family and me...

She doesnt know... How dare she judging me?

i just said i actually didnt want to go visit them tomorrow and that i am scared...

that i am actually only doing it for my brother...

because i miss him...

(and i feel like i owe my family, but thats a different thing)

What i told her was not so much about what i was feeling completely and fully, but abut what i was feeling in that very moment.

which was that i actually didnt want to go but that i was going for my brother to see him.

 

How can she say i am unforgiving and unthankful???

Why does she do that???

I dont understand...

is this what i am???

am i unthankful???

am i unforgiving???

 

i am so scared (yet again...)

on friday i am leaving to visit my family...

i am staying with them for 6 days...

i am really so scared...

what am i supposed to do?

i owe them to come...

 

I am crying right now and i cant stop.

i am so scared for my one and only best friend ever.

i am so so so sad...

Please someone tell me nothing bad is gonna happen to her... Please...

I just read an email she wrote to me in June.

I didnt see it any earlier, because i dont use that mailaccount anymore due to harassing emails that were sent there.

I just opened it once now since october last year...

I found that email and... i just... i am just so scared...

I didnt see her in almost 4 years... which makes me sad.

I want to see her...

I am so sorry i didnt notice her mail earlier...

she has been in hospital...

she is very troubled...

she has been under infusion because she wouldnt eat.

she is very sad and depressed...

i want to be there for her but i cant because she is so far away...

i want to go and see her.

she thinks i am angry with her because she didnt write for a long time. i am not, how can she even think stuff like that?

i love her so much...

and i miss her,

i just want to see her, i want to help her through all this...

please make her well again...

please let me see her...

WHY is this happening?

i cant handle it right now...

i want to be with her again...

 

please...

I study two courses of study.

One being physics, the other being computer science.

I want to obtain a PhD in physics beginning to work on it probably as of summer next year.

At the same time i want to keep studying computer science to obtain a "Master" in that subject and maybe even go on with that afterwards as well.

So there shouldnt be a problem with it i guess...

But tomorrow i have an appointment with one of the Professors of my university, to talk about my options (where i want to work for my PhD, what kind of subject i want to work on and so on, all the questions that come with a decision like that.)

Now there are two problems: I feel like i dont have the right to get a PhD, because i should rather go and help my family (a bunch of drug addicts, alcoholics , with a lot of problems i think...)

I feel sorry for them... And i feel guilty, because i attend post secondary education...

But, i mean, i have worked so hard to get where i am now... I have really worked SO HARD...

It was my one and only dream to become a scientist... And now that dream is so close, i would just need to grab it...

It was all that kept me going... all that i had...

Do i really not have the right to do what i am doing? Do i have the right to work on getting a PhD in physics?

If not: Why not?

My mother tells me i dont have the right...

I am so confused... This is all i want...

Can someone please explain if i am allowed to do this?

 

Second problem is: The professor with whom i have the appointment tomorrow looks very much like one of my abusers...

I dont want to have a panic attack in his office...

What can i do to behave normally and to be able to have a normal conversation with him?

He is a really nice and great person. He just LOOKS like one of the abusers, but his personallity is so very different...

 

If anyone has ANYTHING at all to advice me with those problems, please tell me about it. I am so confused and i cant make up my mind wether or not its ok to do this...

 

Sorry for my bad English today, i am a bit confused which makes it a bit more difficult writing in English.

today.. it is exactly one year since i lost my baby, after being pushed down the stairs...

 

 

To my little daughter...

my dear little Sofia,

i never really saw you, but i felt you... moving inside of me...

i was never allowed to hold you in my arms...

i miss you so much... even though i never truely got to know you...

no matter what kind of person your genitor was, YOU, my little one, YOU were a pure little girl...

right now i feel so empty...

Today you would be about 9 months old, and i would probably see you crawling around here.

why did they take this from us? i dont know...

i want to hold you in my arms and i want to hear you babble like a child does...

I want to hear you laugh... because i think it would make me smile... maybe even on the inside...

 

i am empty... i think my body is only a shell and i am wondering, why it doesnt collapse back upon itself...

my baby, where are you? my little one? why did they hurt you? why did you have to die inside my belly?...

Hello, i need advice, yet again... sorry for that... Huge panic just broke loose here...

My therapist wants me to go and see a gynecologist...

I had to go see a gynecologist once when i was pregnant... That was sooo terrible... She saw all the injuries and scars... down there... from the things that happened...

And the scars in some of the places where i cut myself... (legs and arms and belly)

She was looking at me really strangely... And i was sooo damn scared... i totally paniced...

then i froze and just didnt move anymore at all... didnt say a word... Just sat there... scared to death...

My therapist wants me to go since i have abdominal pain... like always...

And i am so scared...

i dont want to go... seriousely...

What do you do, when they notice? When they see it?

When they wonder about your behaviour? About your scars down there? About whatever?

I just dont think i can do it...

What am i supposed to do? I am so scared...

Please, if anyone has any advice at all, please tell me...

Hello,

i am thinking about writing a book about my life as it was affected by the abuse. its supposed to show the horror of abuse, its supposed to make people realise what abused kids/people go through, but at the same time i would like it to be a positive experience reading it.

i dont want the beautiful aspects of life to be cut short. I want it to give hope to people who have been abused themselves...

I want to show the people the dilemma in which abused kids/people find themselves... The balancing act they have to accomplish in order to live a life on the extrem side of life (the ongoing abuse) and a normal child like life they have to live while not at home, not being abused, to avoid being seperated from their family.

i want to show the love to the family which is sort of still there even though the family is the party which hurts them the most.

i want to show the irrational thoughts going on in a childs head if it finds itself in such an extrem situation.

I want to show that fighting isnt easy, but that it is THE ONLY way out. and that its possible to manage to get out. That its possible to have a positive attitude towards life despite all the things that happened...

That you can have your life back!

i think writing this book could help me on my own way of healing...

i know (in my own language) i can write quite all right thats not the problem ;)

i just dont read very many books (besides technical literature for my studies), so i dont quite know how to structure the story itself.

i dont quite know where to start and i dont quite know how to go on.

i would like to give an insight into the child, into the adolescent and into the grown up. But at the same time i want the story to be conclusive, i dont want to jump too much.

Does anyone have any ideas how i could structure a book about the story of a lifetime?

This is only a MEMORY! Because of recent misunderstandings i write this in huge letters above again. This happened when i was younger.

 

a memory i need to get off of me... Think i leave it here. Here its safe.

Its a memory from when i was 9 years old.

 

 

I walk back home from school.

Its a cold day. We even have some snow.

I am cold because i somehow dont have a jacket on.

i am nine.

i walk pretty fast to get out of the chilly wind as fast as possible.

i see the house where i live.

Its a high rise building.

It looks pretty ugly.

Right in front of the door a drug addict lies on the floor.

I tell him to get inside because its cold.

he doesnt even notice me...

We live at the 5th floor.

the lift is broken again...

so i walk up the stairs.

i am tired because the night before i couldnt sleep.

i am at the fifth floor and the first thing i see is my little brother sitting in front of the door shivering and crying.

i know he only had to spend three hours at school.

School starts at 8 in the morning.

Now its 4 in the afternoon.

So i know roughly how long he must have been sitting there...

i am sorry...

i walk up to my brother.

he looks at me and says:

"Mami i am cold... and i am hungry..."

i ask him where his keys were and why he didnt get into the apartment.

he answers he forgot to take the keys in the morning. he cries harder.

he thinks i am angry because he forgot to take the keys.

i am not. i dont know how to show him that i am not angry.

i take off my sweater and tell him to put it on.

i open the door and we get inside.

its a little warmer there.

i dont know where our mother is... i dont know when she will be back...

she is probably drunk... probably wasting our money...

she might be back tonight. she might be back tomorrow or she might be back in one or two weeks.

Maybe she had an accident and is in hospital?

maybe she is dead?

we dont know.

i need to take care of my little brother.

my little brother grabbed a corner of my t-shirt and follows me around.

i dont mind. i know hes scared.

hes a brave little boy.

he doesnt ask questions. he just desperately wants someone to love him... but he never asks for it.

but he repeats once more

"mami, i am hungry"

i know i think...

i search the whole kitchen for food.

but all i can find are empty bottles of whatever type of alcohol.

i dont know what to do.

my brother needs something to eat.

for now i can act and lie to the neighbours. but i need to get money as soon as possible.

i go to the apartment next door and i knock (their bell is broken...)

i tell them we wanted to make a cake and my mother asked me to ask them for 3 eggs because she forgot to buy them.

i thought this was the best excuse i can think of because i cant tell them anything... i cant tell them my mum is missing yet again...

otherwise they will call child service and they will take us away and take my brother and me apart...

(thats what my family told me so that i wouldnt say anything bad about them...)

so now... i have three eggs.

i make fried eggs. tow for my brother, one for me.

he eats really fast. i know he is still hungry... i want to give him more, but i cant.

i tell him that tonight i would earn money and tomorrow i tell him. tomorrow i will cook you a real meal.

i sit down with my brother and help him do his homework. he is an intelligent little boy.

at nine o clock i ask him to go to bed. (i know its a little early, but hes so tired anyways.)

i stay at his bed and wait until he sleeps which doesnt take long.

i have a bad conscience to leave him alone again, i know how much it scared him to be left alone, but i dont have a choice.

i leave the house and i take a train to a main station in a big city.

i wear clothes for big girls. a short skirt and a t-shirt with sequins.

i wear make up.

i am nine. i tell the men i were twelve.

they believe me... i dont think they really did, but at least its what they wanted to believe i guess...

i earn a total of 40DM that night. i sold my body... and my soul... yet again...

i am numb...

my legs are barely able to carry me.

i feel dirty and disgusting...

but tomorrow i think. tomorrow i can cook a real meal for my brother and i will see the sparkle in his eyes.

he doesnt fully understand the situation...

but he is only 6 for gods sake...

i dont quite know how i got home that night.

my bed is standing right beside my brothers bed.

i shower until there is no hot water left. i know i will be punished for the high water bill. but right then i didnt care.

i put on a huge white shirt and i fall asleep.

when i wake up in the morning my brother is sitting right next to my bed. his face so close to mine. he is looking at me really closely.

he tells me "i thought you were dead."

i tell him "no, i am not" i run my fingers through his hair.

i take care that he puts on a jacket this time and that he takes his keys.

i dont go to school that day.

i go to the supermarket and buy food for both of us.

i buy spaghetti, tomato sauce and some fresh carrots.

i prepare a meal and when my brother comes home from school we have lunch together.

he eats so much until his stomach aches.

i am sorry. i didnt want to hurt him.

 

that time my mother came back 8 days later.

The description above is a typical situation... a typical day during times when my mother just disappeared and noone knew where she went...

 

The sadest about this is... at least to me... the fact that my three years younger brother called me mum...

 

This is really strange now...

Tomorrow i have an apoointment in a hospital spezialized in trauma therapy.

This is all right i guess, because its what i want... its what everyone thinks will be the best...

BUT... i dont even know if anyone knows about my appointment... I am talking about the people in the hospital here.

Because my therapist asked the psychologist in the hospital if i could have an appointment to see the hospital after all. They didnt want to give me an appointment at first... but i cant decide to go to a hospital where i spend a few months and where i make therapy without knowing where i am actually going...

So this psychologist wrote me an e-mail asking me which appointment would be best for me (there were 3 from which i could chose)

i chose tomorrow and i asked him where i should report to...

i send him the e-mail a week ago.

but i never got an answer...

so i dont even know if the appointment tomorrow is even fixed...

i dont know with whom i am gonna talk... a man? a woman? a psychologist? a doctor?

i dont know where i am supposed to report to...

actually i dont know a damn thing...

this is so uncertain...

i feel lost in this chaos...

all the contact i had with this specific hospital so far was either chaotic and unorganized or very very unfriendly...

i dont think i want to go there...

i mean i have been to an appointment last month where the people were friendly, where they took care of me and my feelings... The only problem with that hospital is that my therapist thinks its too close to my former town of residence...

but i dont think i can even go there tomorrow unprejudiced...

i dont think i can give this hospital a chance...

i cant prepare myself for what is coming towards me tomorrow in any way because i dont have an idea how this is going to work out tomorrow...

i am so very scared...

does anyone have some comforting words for me?

Hello everyone.

today my boyfriend and I went to visit his mother.

Now i am not in my home... I am at someone elses house with other people around me...

here it smells strangely... there are strange noises...

I am just scared...

I dont know why and actually not even of what i am scared...

I hate to go outside anyways...

hate leaving my appartement...

even going out to buy the food for the day is soooo difficult and i hate it so much...

[[[[[[[[i get so flooded with impressions because my brain cant decide what information is relevant and which is not... so it just tries to notice everything and to remember everything, every detail... my former therapist did testing with me because of that... a lot of testing and i even got paied once to participate in some research experiment because they wanted to find out more about this phenomenon... (i can remember numbers... like really easy... like license plates of a whole day...) thats why leaving my home is so difficult for me...]]]]]]]]

and now i have to stay here even over night... which scares me...

I have to see their happy family life... sort of...

i feel like i am out of place...

i feel like a complete stranger... like an alien almost...

dont know what i am supposed to do here...

i feel so uncomfortable...

they are really nice to me... thats not the problem...

but here is nothing familiar...

i want to go back home...

into my save "spaceship"

where it doesnt smell funny, where there are no funny noises...

 

what am i supposed to do now? i need to get through this until tomorrow evening...

 

Maya

 

Our therapist is so nice to us...

She is like a really good person...

probably everyone thinks "this is great for you"

BUT i cant accept it...

I am wondering:

- what does she expect to get out of this?

- what does she expect me to do in return?

- why does she do this? does she want to make us weak and strike as soon as we are at a "point of no return" in trusting her?

- she makes some part of us missing things even more... things like haveing a mother... thinks like being loved and cared for like from a mother... WTF???

- all she actually does is MAKE US WEAK!!

- she wants to make us dependent on her

 

I could go on here, but i think you see where i am going with this... Can ANYONE tell me WHY she does this? Can anyone tell me WHY i should trust her?

No, probably noone can...

 

N.

Mother and me are at grandpas house. Grandpa has friends there. I am 7. I have to drink alcohol. red wine. i dont even taste its flavour. I feel a little dizzy.

There is my grandpa and 5 of his friends.

Grandpa asks "who wants to go first?"

A fat ugly man wants. He is like really huge... He must be about 50 i suppose.

I just stand there and i dont move. I dont care...

mother is standing in the corner awaiting her task.

the men take their turns one after the other. i dont care.

i dont experience anything.. no fear no pain no nothing...

i dont remember if i made any sounds... i dont think so...

i think i was more like a doll than a human...

its grandpas turn.

he wants me to react on what he was doing...

he tells me what to say...

he tells me...

he yells at me...

because i dont understand what he wants me to say... it sounds like he speaks a different language...

i just dont understand a word...

i cant help it...

i am sorry... grandpa... i dont understand... (my head doesnt let his words come through to me...)

grandpa i am sorry...

my head hits the corner of the bed (at least i think thats what it was)

everything is black... i dont remember...

 

i am on the bed still... grandpa is not there...

blood on the sheets...

blood on my legs...

my entire body hurts...

mother is there...

she grabs my arm...

she says dont be such a wimp...

you deserve what you get...

you are a bad person...

they need to make you worthy...

dont complain...

i didnt even say a word...

she draggs me outside...

into the garden...

there is a little snow. not much. but its freezing

and i am really cold since i am completely naked...

she takes the garden hose to spray cold water on me...

i cant stand upright on my own...

as soon as she lets go of my arm i sink to the ground...

she says she always has to do everything for me...

because i am dirty yet again and now SHE is the one who needs to clean up the mess...

 

 

sorry for writing this... but its stuck in my head... i dont know what to do with it... it seems to be eating me up from the inside out... there are so many memories...

i cant stand it anymore... its too much... i just had to get this out i think...

Sorry...

ok this time i am really sorry since it is the second message entry i write within only minutes of one another... so sorry. but here goes:

my grandma just called and told me that i were responsible for my grandpas death. she says i was too exhausting for him because i never behaved the way i was supposed to. I am sorry... i really am... i didnt want to do anything bad...

maybe i should leave this site? i mean i dont have a right to be here... i am AGAIN behaving badly even NOW...

I am so sorry grandpa... I didnt want that... honestly... you need to believe me...

just tell me what i am supposed to do and i swear i will do it... i didnt want that...

i dont want to be guilty...

tell me what to do to get the guilt off of me... I will do it!

is it too late now?

PLEASE!! just tell me...

I AM SORRY!!

Hello, its me again. I am sorry that i take so much space on here...

I have an appointment at the dentist in about two weeks and I am so scared...

I hate it when someone puts something in my mouth...

It reminds me of some things that happened...

What am I supposed to do? I mean i cant tell the dentist that i am scared... I mean I am a grown up person, so i definitely dont have the right to be scared of the dentist... do i?

The problem is, when I was 8 one of the abusers beat me up really bad... As a result I spent three weeks in the hospital, lost one and a half teeth, had some broken bones (left clavicle, left arm and three ribs) plus a concussion... My family told the doctors who asked that i got in a fight with another child on the playground and the child threw me off the jungle gym. Completely stupid!! Liars!! And the story wasnt even conclusive to the injuries... But of course the doctors did nothing... And this was only one of VERY MANY visits to the doctor or stays at the hospital due to the abuse... Sometimes the doctors even called the cops. But the family somehow always got away with it...

Anyways. Here I am being scared of the dentist but when i lost the teeth the doctors sort of fixed it so that it looks almost like natural teeth. When i was younger the "construction" (i dont know a better word) broke again and again of course. But it didnt break during the last three years. But now it did break again. So i should go to the dentist to get it fixed... But like i said i am so scared...

What can i do about it? How do i get less scared of the dentist?

Does anyone have any ideas what i could do? I would be very grateful for any idea...

Hello everyone.

I just need to leave these thoughts here. And maybe someone has some advise for me.

During the last weeks something happened...

I used (?) to be anorexic. Well I dont think you ever fully get rid of it... You may have a normal weight at times and you may eat normally. But in your head, its just always there...

So I was at a normal weight lately, eating normally and everything. So for what concernes anorexia I was doing really great (but well... only concerning anorexia...)

And now during the last few weeks it got worse again. I lost 5 kg within the last month. (which is not that much, I know. But it showes a tendency...)

My problem is, that I have this constant feeling of disgust towards my body, towards food, towards putting anything in my mouth not to mentionn swallowing it. I just cant stand it... I just cant eat... If i manage to put something in my mouth i chew and chew, but i just cant manage to swallow...

So I am now wondering, if this might forecast a full return of my anorexia...

And I start clinging to all numbers connected to my food I can get... I start counting calories again, i start making limits what i allow myself to eat... But thats not as bad as it used to be... I am more worried about this constant feeling of disgust...

What do you think about this? Does anyone have similar problems? Do you think i might relapse into my anorexia?

 

Hello everyone,

today was my 21st birthday, and my feelings are really confusing.

I was SO scarred of my birthday, I actually wanted this day to NEVER come. But as it goes my wish didn't come true and today it was my birthday.

I was so scared because I have NO good memories at all from my birthdays... Actually I remember none of them exept the last two... roughly... And those memories are NOT good.

Anyways, today I had a great day.

Well most of the day was great. The only thing i didnt like was the fact that one of my abusers called and tried to make me feel bad worthless and so on and so on... You all know the stuff they want you to feel in many cases. BUT I managed to HANG UP THE PHONE before he finished talking.

My boyfriend gave me a birthday present, he really did. Can you believe that? And he not only gave me a birthday present, but he gave me THE BEST birthday present anyone could wish for.

 

And he baked a cake together with me. I put lots of colourful decoration on it. I had lots of fun, just like a little child baking a cake with its mother. And as this thought came into my head i got sad, because i realized that this was the first time I made a cake. This was the first time someone baked a cake with me...

All in all i kind of feel sad and happy at the same time. This day was so wonderful. I had so much fun. My boyfried was so nice to me actually everything was just good. But there is this feeling of sadnes nonetheless. I thought maybe it comes from the fact that i miss my childhood...?...

i am really confused... but i dont feel bad... not really... sad and happy... confused... but not really bad...

i think i should watch a nice and funny movie now...

its all so conflictive... those opposite feelings and thoughts...

have to sort out my thoughts... If anyone has anything to contribute i would be grateful. :)

confused greetings,

Maya

Hello everyone,

I am so scared...

The adoptive mother decided to come and visit me tomorrow.

This is so strange

We didnt have contact for a year.

she called a few times, not often maybe once every two month

the last few weeks she called more often

she put me under pressure to come and visit one of the abusers for his birthday

and now she decided to come visit me

tomorrow

i am very very scared

dont know how to deal with it

my boyfriend actually wanted to be here all the day, so i wouldnt have to deal with her on my own.

but now he has an appointment and he will be away half the day

so i will be on my own with her

dont know what to do.

why does she want to come?

scared

helpless

confused

feel ugly

disgusting

cant feel my legs

dont know what to do.

she will be here tomorrow morning

 

the adoptive mother called and said I need to come back to visit one of the abusers for his birthday.

She says I need to fulfil my duty.

She says I shouldnt always be so egoistic.

This scares me so much.

I feel like I HAVE TO go back.

Like I have to visit him.

I want to make something right just ONCE.

So I need to go back.

But I am scared.

I am so weak.

I am so egoistic

Being scared means that I am egoistic.

I am only thinking about myself.

I shouldnt.

I am not that important.

I feel bad.

I have a bad conscience.

I am a bad person.

What should I do?

How do I get through this?

Help please...

Sorry... It's me yet again...

I am just wondering... Why do I not have a family... Like a real family?

My birthmother doesnt answer on my letter...

My adoptive family is no family at all.......

 

Memory:

"grandpa grabs little girl... grandpa screams at little girl...grandpa says little girl is a slut... grandpa undresses little girl... grandpa hits little girl... again and again... grandpa penetrates little girl... grandpa makes strange noises... little girl doesn't move... little girl gets pressed into huge sofa... little girl just doesn't move... I think little girl is scared...

 

grandpa is finished...

 

Mum takes little girl into the bathroom... mum is angry... mum says little girl is dirty... mum sets the hard beam of the shower... mum turnes the water as cold as possible... mum sprays the water on little girl... mum says little girl is evil... little girl has blood between her legs... mum says little girl made her underwear dirty again... mum is angry... little girl did everything wrong... I think little girl is scarred..."

 

 

I just wish I had a real family... I am so sad... Just want to have a family...

I would like to cry... But I can't...

I feel so very very disgusting today... I hate everything about me...

I showered 5 times already today... But it doesn't help at all...

What can I do about it, I don't know what to do anymore...

I can't stand it anymore...

I cut myself today... I actually have this limit... I told myself, no more than three days a week I am allowed to cut... Today its tuesday... And this week I already cut twice, which means I only have one day left... I don't think I will manage...

HELP PLEASE!...

Great... I got rejected by the hospital... I am finally admitting that i seriously need help. And everybody tells me i really need to go to the hospital (especially the people in different hospitals...) because the ambulant therapy is not enough in my situation... And I end up in emergency hospitals all the time anyways... But there you dont get therapy... You just get locked up...

and then the therapy hospitals ALWAYS tell me I am not yet ready for their hospital (not stable enough and so on...) how am i supposed to get help, if noone wants to help me... They say they feel overstrained with me...

Am I just not worth the trouble? Did I do all this to myself? Is it my fault?

 

WHY DOES NOBODY WANT TO HELP ME?

i dont understand... what is so wrong about me?

It took me so long to admit to myself that I need help... And now I am at the point again where i tell myself i dont need help, i am not worth it, i should keep it to myself.

I am just so stupid, such a terrible person... I dont even feel like i have the right to exist...

I feel like i should fix the hole I started making into the fictive wall which i built around myself...

I feel like I should disappear... get invisible...

I failed again... I always fail... How am i supposed to keep going?

Failure after failure... What does everybody expect from me?

I feel terrible...

 

Hello,

I am just trying to write a letter to my birthmother whom I never got to know. We had contact when i was 18 for a short while by writing letters. We never met in person. I had so many problems at that time and still have that i couldn't keep up the contact and it eventually broke. Well, now i would like to rebuild it and i am already searching for her new adress. But i have no idea of how to write the letter. How much can I tell her? i don't want to be rude, it wouldn't be nice of me to tell her. But on the other hand i don't watn her to think she wasn't important to me and that was the reason why the contact broke. But how could you possibly tell something like that in a letter? Do you think i should ask her to meet?

I really don't know anything...

And well, sorry for my English... Today is not one of my best days, which is why my English isn't good today...

I would be greatful for any advice.

Hello everyone,

Today is the 3rd day in a row that I didn't hurt myself. I, didn't cut or burn or scrape my skin. But now I really don't know how to make it till tomorrow without cutting... I already tried ice cubes and everything... Has anybody any more ideas?

Well... I tried another way by posting this, but it probably won't work anyways since I am not going to last long enough till someone read this and answered... But I am going to try nevertheless...

So if anyone has any ideas and if I am not going to make it this time maybe I am going to make it next time.

Thank you for any advice.

Hello everyone,

there has been a change in plans again... I went to the hospital on monday as I was supposed to... But a few hours later they put me on another ward telling me that i was not yet ready for the 14 week program on their ward. They told me i should rather go in a specialized hospital.

I feel like I failed... I am so weak... So stupid...

in two weeks I have an appointment in a specialized hospital in Munich. There I will have to talk to a doctor and they will see if they can treat me there. If so I will have to go there in about two months and stay for 3 months...

Now I am still in hospital and I will be released next week probably...

I feel really bad...

hi everyone... I just don't know what to do anymore... I am so scared to go to the hospital... I have to go there on monday and stay for 14 weeks and i just don't want. I just don't want to have this stuff in my head anymore, want all the problems to go away. But I don't know how the therapy is supposed to help with that... Maybe it would be better not to go there at all? I am so scared... I don't want to be in the hospital... Don't know what to do anymore...

It hurts so much inside and I can't do anything about it. I feel like i am being torn apart...

Can anyone help please?...

I have just been listening to this song and it gave me courage and told me that there will be light in my life some day. It helped me keep going. I know I will get through this day and even further and so will you :)

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KECk91-M-Ko

Wenn du jetzt aufgibst

Und Du hast viel zu lang
den Schatten geseh’n
und viel zu lang war
alles grau um Dich.
Du kannst ruhig klagen,
denn es reicht.
Die staerkste Seele
wird mal schwach.
Und jede Nacht,
wenn Du nicht schlafen kannst
und die Armee des Wahnsinns,
bei Dir klopft.

Wenn Du dann durchdrehst
ist’s erlaubt
Doch wer hat Dir,
den Mut geraubt.

Wenn Du jetzt aufgibst,
wirst Du’s nie versteh’n.
Du bist zu weit,
um umzudreh’n.

Vor Dir der Berg,
Du glaubst Du schaffst es nicht.
Doch Dreh Dich um
und sieh,
wie weit Du bist.
Im Tal der
Traenen liegt auch
Gold.
Komm, lass es zu,
dass Du es holst.

Wenn es auch weh tut,
so wird es doch gescheh’n.
Die dunkle Nacht
wird mal vergeh’n.

Just wanted to get something out here.

 

I know I am not important, I know I am not worth anything, I know I am stupid, evil and bad. But the question is, why do I feel like knowing these things? Because someone made me feel them, someone told me these things over and over again? Or maybe just because it is that way?

 

Does a child actually think these things about itself, just like that?

Does a child grow up knowing these things, just like that?

Does a child decide that it was better not to exist at all, just like that?

Does a child hide in its own little place away from „home“, because it is scared to return home, just like that?

Does a child turn up at school drunk, just like that?

Does a child „forget“ almost everything about its past, just like that?

Does a child fall asleep at school, because it's the only place somewhat safe enough to fall asleep, to lose control at all, just like that?

Does a child tell lies again and again, just like that?

Does a child hide its face from everyone, just like that?

Does a child get scared, whenever someone gets close, just like that?

Does a child stop feeling itself, just like that?

Does a child not know who it is, where it belongs, just like that?

Does a child not feel welcome at all, anywhere, just like that?

Does a child keep running and running throughout its life, not knowing where it goes, just running away from one place after the other, running, but never arriving anywhere, just like that?

Does a child stop talking, just like that?

Does a child feel lost, scared, helpless, alone, just like that?

Does a child ache for company and soleness at the same time?

Does a child loses the memory for periodes of time on a regular basis, just like that?

Does a child have injuries almost always it failes to explain, just like that?

Does a child get scared to death of water, just like that?

Does a child get scared of a nice little fire, just like that?

Does a child get scared of candles, just like that?

Does a child get scared of symbols of many sorts, just like that?

Does a child get scared of music, just like that?

 

 

And when that very child grows up a little,

Does that kid cut itself, over and over again, deeper everytime, just like that?

Does that kid try to kill itself, just like that?

Does that kid push away anyone who ever gets close to it, who ever liked it, and whoever it liked, just like that?

Does that kid get scared about its own feelings, just like that?

Does that kid have strong feelings at the one moment, and none at all in the next, just like that?

Does that kid have feelings it cannot explain, just like that?

Does that kid feel trapped by everything and everyone?

Does that kid constantly have nightmares, just like that?

Does that kid stop eating, just like that?

 

 

Does all that continue to be like that until that very child, that very kid is no kid anymore?

 

I suppose that kid, that person is just crazy, it just is like that, nothing special about it. We should just put it away, just make sure she cannot think straight anymore. Just lock her up. Just give her drugs to make her sleep and unable to talk.

We should just keepe ourselves safe, just prevent her from thinking, from talking, from getting safe, from getting her own life. We should keep her dependent.

That's probably it. Just another crazy one to be put into psychiatry. Noone should bother thinking about her.

She just is like that, she has always been, she is a bad person, a liar. She is imagining thinks, never saying anything anyone should rely on.

 

I don't know what to think anymore. Am i „just like that“?

 

I wanted to post some of my poems as well, starting with these two. I decided to write the translation of the first, than the original one, than the translation of the second one and than the original second one. I think it lost something in translation and i am not really sure if i translated them right, sorry.

 

 

translation:

36 degree Celsius

 

36 degree Celsius

I am cold

enormously huge

warm

above me

i suffocate

violently

I float

frightful...

spectacle

What happens?

Cannot look

want to be far away

stuck...

me?

him?

Cannot leave

who is who?

What belongs to whom?

Who am i?

What am i?

 

No it's no pleasure

just 36 degree Celsius...

 

original:

 

36 Grad Celsius

 

36 Grad Celsius

mir ist kalt

riesig gross

warm

Ueber mir

ich ersticke

mit Gewalt

schwebe

schreckliches...

Schauspiel

Was passiert?

Kann nicht hinsehen

will weit weg sein

stecke fest

ich?

Er?

kann nicht weg

wer ist wer?

Was gehoert zu wem?

Wer bin ich?

Was bin ich?

 

Nein es ist kein Genuss

bloss 36 Grad Celsius

 

 

translation:

 

Mirror mirror on the wall – child prostitution

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who is the youngest in whole babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who is the most expensive one in whole babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who is the most efficient in whole babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who is the hottest in whole babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Who is not yet broken in whole babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who is still innocent in whole babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

who takes my hand,

who showes me a save path

out of babyworld?

 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

how does it get clear,

that this story so sick,

is no fairy tail?

 

 

original:

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand – Babystrich

 

Spieglein , Spieglein an der Wand,

wer ist die juengste in ganz Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wer ist die teuerste in ganz Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wer ist die tuechtigste in ganz Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wer ist die gefragteste in ganz Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wer ist noch nicht zerbrochen in ganz Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wer ist noch unschuldig in ganz Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wer nimmt mich an die Hand,

wer zeigt mir einen sicheren Weg,

raus aus Babyland?

 

Spieglein, Spieglein an der Wand,

wie wird es klar,

dass diese Geschickte so krank,

kein Maerchen war?

 

The from of abuse which happened to me is called ritual abuse ( I didn't know that there was a special expression existing for it either until my therapist told me about a year or one and a half ago)

I know many people don't believe in things like that to happen, which makes me sad as I feel left alone knowing that there are so many people believing it doesn't exist. Well, I do know it exists though I rather wouldn't. Some years ago people didn't believe in abuse happening within families, nowaday almost everyone believes that it happens behind peoples doors. I hope that one day people will realize that ritual abuse does in fact exist as does child pornography, child prostitution, torture which were elements included into the cult peoples doing.

So well, why am I writing this message, by now I don't know anymore either. I just hope noone will judge me for it and I hope that there are not so many people doubting the existence of ritual abuse here.

 

Don't know what I wanted to write anymore, just feel so bad...

 

Kids are to trust in what people tell them. grown-ups are to teach the kids what's right and what's wrong, that's just how it works. How is a child supposed to know what's right and what's wrong if noone ever told him.

They told me I was evil, I had evil inside of me, but that they were able to make it go away by doing strange rituals, by tieing me up, hurting me, raping me, making me do things to other kids, making me hurt people and animals, Making me eat and dring disgusting things including blood and other things like that.

I did feel bad, I was going insane, I was being a strange kid behaving strangely, I was feeling evil, I was believing in what they told me, that there was evil inside of me. I did just not understand that it wasn't that way by nature, but that it was them making me go insane, that it was them making me feel bad, that what they were doing would never make me feel better.

I know I am stupid, I know you probably think „why did you believe that stuff?“ but well, I did.

 

Don't know how to get through the night, don't know what to do anymore at all. I know, I am away from them, but will it stay that way? There is this urge to go back there (I know it must sound stupid, why would someone go back to place where he is being hurt? But well, it just is that way. It is, what they wanted and what they made me feel. What they „programmed“ into my brain)

 

Feel like:

-guilty

-evil

-have to cut

-nervous, cannot sit still

-scared, scared, scared

-alone

-disgusting

-...

 

I suppose it was good to write down how I feel as until five minutes ago I didn't even quite know how I was feeling...

 

Will stop here now and hope that I will somehow get through the night, maybe staying up all night watching kids movies or something.

 

Sorry for any errors in language, English is not my first language.

I want to share a little of my story with you as well.

Well it actually started right at the beginning of my life, now that I think about it. It started with the fact that I got abandoned by my birthmother who somehow didn't want me or something... So I was lying there in that place, without a name and without a family. A few weeks later strangers came to pick me up and take me home with them. This place called "home" turned out to not be worth such a positive word as home. But I don't blame them actually, I don't hate them for what they have or rather have not done. Because to hate someone you first have to love him and how can you love someone you have hardly ever seen or spoken to and who has never loved you or shown you any sign of him caring about you. The only thing I am wondering is, why they adopted a child knowing they would never be able to love that child as they had just lost their own child right before.

From the day that I turned one onwards they placed me with that horrible neighbour to be babysitted (a friend of my grandpas). Well I really have to say that guy and my grandpa did a great job! A great job not in taking good care of me, but in touching me, hitting me, yelling, making me feel even more worthless, filming these things, sleeping with me, selling me to other people who "liked children" and lots of even more horrible stuff.

When I was three my adoptive parents adopted another child, a boy whom I really love and I tried really hard to take good care of him and to make sure he would always get something to eat and do his homework and most important is, that he would never get touched in any way that was not good for him. He got a different babysitter than me and my grandpa never touched him either (he was more into little girls than little boys) luckily. But I did a terrible job protecting him. He did get into stealing, alcohol, got thrown out of school, even does drugs today.

When I was in elementary school my father left the family, which was not all that bad since I didn't miss him as a person at that time, because how are you supposed to miss someone you didn't even know? (later on he would be a part in my life again, all right, a small part, but a part nonetheless, but that doesn't belog here right now) But I did miss a family, just not the family I had at that time and just not quite knowing what it actually was, that I was missing.

The abuse went on for a long time and I lost all the respect for myself and for my body, which was why I sold it myself to see how much I was worth and to get money to finance what was necessary and was sometimes just not provided by my "caretaker".

Many times I tried to leave this behind and leave that place, either by running away or by killing myself, and many times I failed doing so, but since a very short time I am living in an own home away from these people. I did not yet manage to break up contact completely though, but I am working on it.

When I left that place I was pregnant from one of the many men I had been sold to, but I lost my babygirl during pregnancy in autumn last year. I miss her a lot. I know I would somehow have managed to have a baby.

Today I am an university student and I am trying hard to get on with my life, or rather with our life, as I have a split personality along with other disorders due to what happened.

Thank you for reading.

 

~to be continued~