I am thinking... yet again...

i am not a real addict (i dont drink and i dont take drugs),

but i know anorexia, i know how it is if you cant stop hurting yourself, i know showering up to 10 times a day, getting up at night to take a shower, i know washing so often that the skin turns red and hurts, sometimes even gets so dry that it starts bleeding, i could go on here... there are so many things...

and i cant get rid of them...

i can at times handle the one addiction better and the other worse, but as soon as one gets better the other gets worse...

currently the worst is my unability to handle my working/studying...

i cant stop, the only thing i still like, i love, i feel anything about is my work, my studies...

i work through many nights... i cant stop...

i spend hour after hour in the library...

i forget to eat, i cant sleep...

i cant calm down...

as soon as i try to sit down i get anxious...

i am almost relieved when i can get up in the morning and jump out of bed at 4:30am... after 3 hours of sleep.......

i dont need to get up that early... but i cant help it...

i cant think about anything other than studying/working...

even right now writing this text i feel i should rather be studying than writing this text.

i just ... sorry... desperate...

I need to know whats going on with my brother...

Apparently he spent one night in a psychiatric hospital, in a psychiatric hospital i happen to know VERY well from the inside...

I i know to be the possibly worst psychiatric hospital ever...

so now... my brother was taken there a few days back from the police...

Apparently they went after him (because of somthing connected to him having been in a fight with someone and drugs again...)

so my brother started running and ended up climbing on a windowsill in the second story of a building...

my brother must have been very drunk...

the police thought he wanted to jump. so they considered him suicidal and brought him to the psychiatric hospital....

he only spent one night there. obviousely he told the doctors that he was just running from the police and that because he was drunk he didnt realize that it was stupid to jump out the window (he didnt jump, because the police got to him before he could jump, he just got onto the windowsill)

he told them he didnt want to commit suicide, he told them he just wanted to run from the police...

so they let him go after one night.

but i am not too sure if he really isnt duicidal... i think he might be...

i mean he is 18 and a drug addict, alocoholic...

and currelty in a situation that puts him under a lot of pressure...

so now i am trying to get in touch with either one of my "parents", but they keep hanging up on me...

they just pick up the phone and hang it up again without saying anything...

i dont know what to do...

i really need to know whats going on...

but i cant get in touch with anyone who might know anything...

i dont know what to do anymore...

what if something happened with my brother?

i am so worried...

i feel like i am falling apart, really dont know what to do anymore...

i am desperate...

please... i need him to be ok...

i need him to be all right and i need to know that he is alright...

Careful, this may trigger...

After years of abuse in my childhood/youth i felt worthless and i hated my body.

Most people on here probably know that feeling...

I started prostituting myself, in the internet. There are pages similar to ebay, where you can sell/auction your body.

On very many of those pages there wasnt much of a control of your age. If there was any you could easily fool it.

I wasnt of full age when i started it... far from it actually...

Quite bad risky behaviour... meeting men you dont know, there were many risks, from diseases to violent men and so on...

But i think it wasnt all about the risk, it was as well about the money, because i needed it (in some times REALLY bad)

I had good jobs too, yes, but i did the prostitution anyways... (even though i had jobs as a cleaner, waitress, helping younger students with their school work)

I mean i learned to dissociate... I could "leave" my body...

I could let the men do their thing...

I could stand the pain...

I could stand the disgust...

sort of...

But I think in some sick weird way it gave me some sort of confirmation as well...

as weird as this may sound...

But I tried to measure my value by how much people would pay to have sex with me...

Today I dont do it anymore...

But nonetheless I have the thought of "how much am i actually worth" coming into my head very often...

Right now I feel disgusting, worthless, and actually does what i wrote here intensify the feeling of worthlessness, because I read this about myself and it makes me realise it more intensively...

But still is my approach again to check my value by how much people would pay for me... sick... i know...

And there is a strong feeling to punish myself... The feeling of "you dont deserve better... you arent worth it... you arent good for anything else..."

But to punish myself a simple cut or burn on my body isnt enough anymore... Regardless of how many cuts or how deep...

I want something that really hurts, that really does something to you, that really does harm...

a short moment of pain doesnt seem enough...

And so i end up at the same point where i was before, where I was years ago...

At the point where i would take high risks with men, just to punish myself... to show myself what i think about myself... to show myself that i know how worthless i am...

Not because i like it, but because i hate it...

I hate everything sexual... I just hate it...

Right now i feel really really bad and worthless...

But to check my value like that... to do that to myself... to make myself feel that worthless.... that cant be the way... can it?

I dont feel any more valuable by doing this... If anything i feel less valuable.... and more disgusting... And thats sort of whats behint all of this, isnt it... punishment, proving "them" right, putting myself down...

Its not about the value, its not about proving anything to myself... I only prove "them" right...

Do i really want that?

Whats that carousel in my head? how do i stop it?

I spent the last three hours crying...

Which actually is an improval for me, I am finally able to cry again...

It hurts, it really hurts a lot, but isnt it better than feeling numb?

I got a call from my mother.

I wont go into detail on that call, because it doesnt matter.

The thing is that i was finally able to rule off my family.

I realized I dont have a family.

I was clinging onto something that wasnt there, something that wasnt existing for me.

It hurts so much, I hurt so much, I can even feel the pain physically, I feel like I cant stand it, like its going to kill me...

But I am finally free.

I might feel terribly lost and alone right now...

But why? I was that alone already before today. I never had a family.

But realizing it gives me the opportunity to see my life as it is.

And once you know what youre dealing with you might be able to handle it.

As long as you keep lying to yourself nothing will ever change.

Now I know I dont have a family, and i never will, I will never have a family like other people do.

But i can now that I know that start living my life,

start making friends.

start having my own self chosen family, isnt that even better than having a family pushed on you. Isnt it maybe better to chose your family yourself?

I feel like I can finally live my life, because I dont feel obliged to follow all those stupid rules anymore.

I finally feel like i am allowed to take responsibility for my own life.

I know that I still have a looong journey ahead of me, but I finally made a noticable step into the right direction.

I finally took the first step into a new life.

I know its not like everything is perfect from now on, it might even get worse, because i finally really feel the pain.

But in the long run it will get better and now it actually can get better, because i finally managed to make a decision for myself and i finally see and acknowledge my life for what it is:

I have a screwed up past, but why shouldnt i have a better future? I am just 21, i still have many years to come. it hurts, it really hurts bad and it will for a long time, but thats ok. I am a young woman who is perfectly capable of living her life, of making her own decision. I dont need to listen to the rules of my past anymore, because thats what they are, they are belonging to my past. They dont have any business in my present or even less in my future.

Today I am making a decision:

Screw my family, I dont need a family like THAT, I can live my life, on my own.

Hello everyone, i really need some advice.

my brother will soon (hopefully) graduate from High School.

I say hopefully because it isnt even sure yet that he passes.

Well, now he asked me today if i could come to his graduation ceremony.

But that would mean being close to the family and maybe even see them...

So i really dont know what to do...

Should i go? or should i not go?

my brother is really important for me... And i would really like to do everything he wants me to do...

It makes me happy that it obviousely means so much for him to have me there...

But i am scared too.

I cant be in that place...

I cant see my family...

I just dont know what to do...

any advice? -.-

yes, well, as you can see from the title this is really confusing for me...

i am writing on a book. sort of my book... i guess...

it tells my story, well i changed a lot of things (names, places, and so on)...

but it is still my story... sort of...

as you can see i cant even admit it to myself...

this writing confuses me... a lot...

it seems like something gets lifted from my shoulders...

at the same time something heavy falls into my stomach...

it helps me understand and it confuses me even more...

it makes me sad, it disgusts me, it makes me hate/love myself...

it gives me control it makes me lose control...

all in all it confuses me terribly...

i dont even know why i am writing this entry, i just thought maybe it makes sense...

i just need to write something...

i just need to...

sorry...

i wrote 89 pages so far...

many more to come...

This is getting really stupid...

Why is this happening?

I dont know what to do anymore...

I am having flashbacks, i cant sleep, i cant eat...

I am tired, absolutely tired...

The feeling of "i dont care about ANYTHING" is getting stronger and stronger...

I HATE my body so much!

I dont have any strength left...

I cut myself multiple times today... Didnt even feel it...

just dont know what to do anymore...

I feel like i dont have any control left...

Just want to disappear...

Why cant all this go away?

I have a great boyfriend, I really do.

We want to get married and everything.

And I think I love him, at least as far as it is possible for me right now having quite a limited spectrum of feelings and the ones I do have being not very deep.

But right now I think the relationship is falling apart because we are together too much.

I feel dependent and I hate that feeling.

I feel like he is more of a therapist for me than a boyfriend, more of a babysitter, than an eye to eye partner.

That doesnt work.

At some point this will destroy our relationship and I dont want that.

So in order to save our relationship I think it would be best, if I left for a few days.

Its just always a little dangerous for me to leave on my own.

But I dont have any friends. So I cant go visit a friend for some days, I have to go on my own.

So now I am scared to make that decision, what if something happens, while I am gone.

I will be angry with myself, if something happens, because than I would be fully responsible for the fact that something happened.

But seriousely, I cant stay inside ALWAYS!

I cant only go out so little and only accompanied by my boyfriend.

That doesnt work,

I want my life, but I want a real life.

I want a life!!!

I want to be able to decide "I am leaving for a few days" not being scared something might happen.

I need to think, I need to be on my own, I need to be free, I need to breath!

I want to leave for a few days, only 4 days or something, only going to a near by city, nothing much.

But I dont want anything to happen...

Last time I left on my own they got to me again...

I dont want that to happen again.

I just want some days for myself.

Is that possible??

This is so not fair.

I want to do this, just a few days...

I cant be with him ALL THE TIME!!!

I dont have anybody but him.

I never see another face.

Just a few days.................

I have been thinking a lot lately, about different things, one of which being the fact that I have difficulty making decisions and that I hold on to strange rules that are not even existing and that I have difficulties accepting rules that exist in the "real" world, the one I am living in.

Well, that's not entirely acurate now. I don't have so much difficulty accepting those rules, but I have difficulty accepting that they apply to me.

I don't see myself as part of this world, I feel that to me different rules apply. Rules from the "other" world.

I will try and describe, just describe those two different worlds.

the real world is the world we are all living in right now. There are people there that are not dangerous, you argue with them, but then you make up with them later. There are people who help one another, you can accept this help, it is ok. I live in a social state, a state, where people support each other by paying taxes. People who dont have work get money to live their lives. People who are sick get assistance. Parents have to pay for their kids up to a certain age. Kids are in the same health insurance as their parents up to a certain age. All this is written down in laws. You can make decisions on your own. You can decide which shoes you want to buy. You can decide which t-shirt you want to wear. and so on... Those are the rules.

The "other" world is different though. Different rules apply in the other world. You can't make any decisions on your own. You have two t-shirts, they both look completely the same, they are both dark grey. So you can wear the one and wash the other. You ALWAYS buy the same things in the same shop. You never change to another product. When one t-shirt is broken you might get a new one, if you are a very very nice kid, BUT you only get the same like last time. From the same shop looking the same. You eat the same things over and over again. Not the same every day though. But there is only a very limited number of different meals. And you can NEVER chose. The major rule is that the grown ups in the family are always right. (but if you grow up and are of full age you are still the kid and the grown ups are the grandparents and the parents, still... This doesnt have anything to do with age) This rule overwrites any other rule. So, in the other world there is basically no room for individuallity, no room for making decisions, no room for yourself actually... Though you live in that world.

So now, the problem is, that you don't always stay in the other world. That doesn't work. You visit the real world, where all the kids at school wear different clothes ever yday. Where they make decisions for themselves. You don't fit into that world. The other kids think you are disgusting for wearing the same clothes EVERY day. Though they don't realize, that its not one and the same t-shirts. Its two, so you can wash your clothes and the one you are wearing is always clean. In the real world people ask you to make decisions. Things like if your pen doesnt work asking you "do you want to borrow my black or my blue pen?" and you are completely overstrained with that question. You cant make a decision. And suddenly you try to live in the real world, a real life in the real world on your own. And you realize, that there are rules, that apply to you as well... All of a sudden. But you can't accept those rules. The rules that apply in the other world are stuck in your head, your mind, your body, your soul, everywhere. You can't distance yourself from them. They are always there, sometimes you don't even realize it. You can't accept money you get for your education, you can't because you are not legitimate for the money. You think this rule doesn't apply for you, because in the other world it doesnt. If someone of the family tells you something thats completely different than the rules in the real world, this applies to you, no matter what. If you buy things, you try to buy in the same shops than the ones you always bought in in the other world. You buy the same things. You get in panic when you don't follow the rules, though they are not the rules from the real world...

That is like doing physics assuming that there was no such thing as gravitation. Applying the rules from another world to the one you are living in... It doesn't work...

I am not completely satisfied with my description, but i am going to leave it at that for now. Maybe I will add a few things to that later on, but for now this is too much for me.

If anyone has any ideas on how to solve those problems, I would be grateful to hear them. If not that's ok too. I am just happy to have written this down now.

Hello everyone.

Havent been on here in a while, at least not really.

I am leaving tomorrow morning to go to the hospital.

Its only a few more hours and i am still trying to pack my bag...

I am not very succesful trying...

i am very scared and i keep yelling at my boyfriend...

he wants to help me and i tell him he does everything wrong...

(he doesnt)

i keep telling him its his fault that i have to go to the hospital

(it isnt)

but someone inside of me thinks so, because if he had just left me there...

if he hadnt taken me away from there...

i wouldnt get to go to the hospital now...

stupid huh?

he is trying to help in every way possible and i yell at him for no good reason...

trying to stop... but doesnt work all that well...

I am just so damn scared...

can someone please tell me that its going to be all right?

I need everything to slow down a little...

i cant do this anymore...

everything is on high speed right now...

i am back from my week with the "family"...

a person who was very important to me died...

i am sad...

my brother looks like a real junkee... worse than ever...

makes me sad...

and its my fault...

he needs a beer in the morning to get out of bed.

His "exgirlfriend" needs to bring a beer to his bed in the morning so that he can get up at all...

(i wrote "exgrilfriend" because i dont really know how she is his exgirlfriend... she spends 95% of the nights and days with him...)

my brother looks so weak...

his hands shake if he doesnt get his drugs/alcohol...

he is a drug addict...

an alcoholic...

he just turned 18...

he is 1.90m high (6,53ft)

and he weighs 59kg (130,07Ib)

so he seems to have a problem with food

(either a real eating disorder or it comes with the drug addiction... while on drugs you dont notice that you are hungry... and he probably only cares about his drugs, not about food...)

i dont know what to do about anything anymore...

i just got the date when they take me into the hospital...

i will be going there on the 9th of november...

this is sooo soon. i dont know what i need to take there...

i dont know what i need to do before going there...

i dont know if i will manage to go there...

i am so nervous.,..

this is so soon...

Slow down... please...

i cant think straight anymore...

i dont even know whats going on anymore...

half of the time i dont know what i am doing...

most of the time i cant tell you what i did just 5 minutes before...

i cant really participate in any conversation, because i will forget what was said seconds later...

sometimes i just dont understand what people say... it is either as if they speak another language or i just cant hear them. i can see their mouth move, but it is as if i were deaf...

please...

...

help...

...

someone...

...

i just need a moment of silence...

a moment without pain...

My boyfriends mother thinks i am unforgiving and unthankful...

but she doesnt even know a damn THING about what happened between my family and me...

She doesnt know... How dare she judging me?

i just said i actually didnt want to go visit them tomorrow and that i am scared...

that i am actually only doing it for my brother...

because i miss him...

(and i feel like i owe my family, but thats a different thing)

What i told her was not so much about what i was feeling completely and fully, but abut what i was feeling in that very moment.

which was that i actually didnt want to go but that i was going for my brother to see him.

How can she say i am unforgiving and unthankful???

Why does she do that???

I dont understand...

is this what i am???

am i unthankful???

am i unforgiving???

i am so scared (yet again...)

on friday i am leaving to visit my family...

i am staying with them for 6 days...

i am really so scared...

what am i supposed to do?

i owe them to come...

Hello,

i am thinking about writing a book about my life as it was affected by the abuse. its supposed to show the horror of abuse, its supposed to make people realise what abused kids/people go through, but at the same time i would like it to be a positive experience reading it.

i dont want the beautiful aspects of life to be cut short. I want it to give hope to people who have been abused themselves...

I want to show the people the dilemma in which abused kids/people find themselves... The balancing act they have to accomplish in order to live a life on the extrem side of life (the ongoing abuse) and a normal child like life they have to live while not at home, not being abused, to avoid being seperated from their family.

i want to show the love to the family which is sort of still there even though the family is the party which hurts them the most.

i want to show the irrational thoughts going on in a childs head if it finds itself in such an extrem situation.

I want to show that fighting isnt easy, but that it is THE ONLY way out. and that its possible to manage to get out. That its possible to have a positive attitude towards life despite all the things that happened...

That you can have your life back!

i think writing this book could help me on my own way of healing...

i know (in my own language) i can write quite all right thats not the problem ;)

i just dont read very many books (besides technical literature for my studies), so i dont quite know how to structure the story itself.

i dont quite know where to start and i dont quite know how to go on.

i would like to give an insight into the child, into the adolescent and into the grown up. But at the same time i want the story to be conclusive, i dont want to jump too much.

Does anyone have any ideas how i could structure a book about the story of a lifetime?

This is really strange now...

Tomorrow i have an apoointment in a hospital spezialized in trauma therapy.

This is all right i guess, because its what i want... its what everyone thinks will be the best...

BUT... i dont even know if anyone knows about my appointment... I am talking about the people in the hospital here.

Because my therapist asked the psychologist in the hospital if i could have an appointment to see the hospital after all. They didnt want to give me an appointment at first... but i cant decide to go to a hospital where i spend a few months and where i make therapy without knowing where i am actually going...

So this psychologist wrote me an e-mail asking me which appointment would be best for me (there were 3 from which i could chose)

i chose tomorrow and i asked him where i should report to...

i send him the e-mail a week ago.

but i never got an answer...

so i dont even know if the appointment tomorrow is even fixed...

i dont know with whom i am gonna talk... a man? a woman? a psychologist? a doctor?

i dont know where i am supposed to report to...

actually i dont know a damn thing...

this is so uncertain...

i feel lost in this chaos...

all the contact i had with this specific hospital so far was either chaotic and unorganized or very very unfriendly...

i dont think i want to go there...

i mean i have been to an appointment last month where the people were friendly, where they took care of me and my feelings... The only problem with that hospital is that my therapist thinks its too close to my former town of residence...

but i dont think i can even go there tomorrow unprejudiced...

i dont think i can give this hospital a chance...

i cant prepare myself for what is coming towards me tomorrow in any way because i dont have an idea how this is going to work out tomorrow...

i am so very scared...

does anyone have some comforting words for me?

Our therapist is so nice to us...

She is like a really good person...

probably everyone thinks "this is great for you"

BUT i cant accept it...

I am wondering:

- what does she expect to get out of this?

- what does she expect me to do in return?

- why does she do this? does she want to make us weak and strike as soon as we are at a "point of no return" in trusting her?

- she makes some part of us missing things even more... things like haveing a mother... thinks like being loved and cared for like from a mother... WTF???

- all she actually does is MAKE US WEAK!!

- she wants to make us dependent on her

I could go on here, but i think you see where i am going with this... Can ANYONE tell me WHY she does this? Can anyone tell me WHY i should trust her?

No, probably noone can...

N.

Hello everyone,

I am so scared...

The adoptive mother decided to come and visit me tomorrow.

This is so strange

We didnt have contact for a year.

she called a few times, not often maybe once every two month

the last few weeks she called more often

she put me under pressure to come and visit one of the abusers for his birthday

and now she decided to come visit me

tomorrow

i am very very scared

dont know how to deal with it

my boyfriend actually wanted to be here all the day, so i wouldnt have to deal with her on my own.

but now he has an appointment and he will be away half the day

so i will be on my own with her

dont know what to do.

why does she want to come?

scared

helpless

confused

feel ugly

disgusting

cant feel my legs

dont know what to do.

she will be here tomorrow morning

The from of abuse which happened to me is called ritual abuse ( I didn't know that there was a special expression existing for it either until my therapist told me about a year or one and a half ago)

I know many people don't believe in things like that to happen, which makes me sad as I feel left alone knowing that there are so many people believing it doesn't exist. Well, I do know it exists though I rather wouldn't. Some years ago people didn't believe in abuse happening within families, nowaday almost everyone believes that it happens behind peoples doors. I hope that one day people will realize that ritual abuse does in fact exist as does child pornography, child prostitution, torture which were elements included into the cult peoples doing.

So well, why am I writing this message, by now I don't know anymore either. I just hope noone will judge me for it and I hope that there are not so many people doubting the existence of ritual abuse here.

Don't know what I wanted to write anymore, just feel so bad...

Kids are to trust in what people tell them. grown-ups are to teach the kids what's right and what's wrong, that's just how it works. How is a child supposed to know what's right and what's wrong if noone ever told him.

They told me I was evil, I had evil inside of me, but that they were able to make it go away by doing strange rituals, by tieing me up, hurting me, raping me, making me do things to other kids, making me hurt people and animals, Making me eat and dring disgusting things including blood and other things like that.

I did feel bad, I was going insane, I was being a strange kid behaving strangely, I was feeling evil, I was believing in what they told me, that there was evil inside of me. I did just not understand that it wasn't that way by nature, but that it was them making me go insane, that it was them making me feel bad, that what they were doing would never make me feel better.

I know I am stupid, I know you probably think „why did you believe that stuff?“ but well, I did.

Don't know how to get through the night, don't know what to do anymore at all. I know, I am away from them, but will it stay that way? There is this urge to go back there (I know it must sound stupid, why would someone go back to place where he is being hurt? But well, it just is that way. It is, what they wanted and what they made me feel. What they „programmed“ into my brain)

Feel like:

-guilty

-evil

-have to cut

-nervous, cannot sit still

-scared, scared, scared

-alone

-disgusting

-...

I suppose it was good to write down how I feel as until five minutes ago I didn't even quite know how I was feeling...

Will stop here now and hope that I will somehow get through the night, maybe staying up all night watching kids movies or something.

Sorry for any errors in language, English is not my first language.