Hello everyone.

today my boyfriend and I went to visit his mother.

Now i am not in my home... I am at someone elses house with other people around me...

here it smells strangely... there are strange noises...

I am just scared...

I dont know why and actually not even of what i am scared...

I hate to go outside anyways...

hate leaving my appartement...

even going out to buy the food for the day is soooo difficult and i hate it so much...

[[[[[[[[i get so flooded with impressions because my brain cant decide what information is relevant and which is not... so it just tries to notice everything and to remember everything, every detail... my former therapist did testing with me because of that... a lot of testing and i even got paied once to participate in some research experiment because they wanted to find out more about this phenomenon... (i can remember numbers... like really easy... like license plates of a whole day...) thats why leaving my home is so difficult for me...]]]]]]]]

and now i have to stay here even over night... which scares me...

I have to see their happy family life... sort of...

i feel like i am out of place...

i feel like a complete stranger... like an alien almost...

dont know what i am supposed to do here...

i feel so uncomfortable...

they are really nice to me... thats not the problem...

but here is nothing familiar...

i want to go back home...

into my save "spaceship"

where it doesnt smell funny, where there are no funny noises...

what am i supposed to do now? i need to get through this until tomorrow evening...

Maya

Hello everyone.

I just need to leave these thoughts here. And maybe someone has some advise for me.

During the last weeks something happened...

I used (?) to be anorexic. Well I dont think you ever fully get rid of it... You may have a normal weight at times and you may eat normally. But in your head, its just always there...

So I was at a normal weight lately, eating normally and everything. So for what concernes anorexia I was doing really great (but well... only concerning anorexia...)

And now during the last few weeks it got worse again. I lost 5 kg within the last month. (which is not that much, I know. But it showes a tendency...)

My problem is, that I have this constant feeling of disgust towards my body, towards food, towards putting anything in my mouth not to mentionn swallowing it. I just cant stand it... I just cant eat... If i manage to put something in my mouth i chew and chew, but i just cant manage to swallow...

So I am now wondering, if this might forecast a full return of my anorexia...

And I start clinging to all numbers connected to my food I can get... I start counting calories again, i start making limits what i allow myself to eat... But thats not as bad as it used to be... I am more worried about this constant feeling of disgust...

What do you think about this? Does anyone have similar problems? Do you think i might relapse into my anorexia?

Hello everyone,

Today is the 3rd day in a row that I didn't hurt myself. I, didn't cut or burn or scrape my skin. But now I really don't know how to make it till tomorrow without cutting... I already tried ice cubes and everything... Has anybody any more ideas?

Well... I tried another way by posting this, but it probably won't work anyways since I am not going to last long enough till someone read this and answered... But I am going to try nevertheless...

So if anyone has any ideas and if I am not going to make it this time maybe I am going to make it next time.

Thank you for any advice.