Hello everyone,
today was my 21st birthday, and my feelings are really confusing.
I was SO scarred of my birthday, I actually wanted this day to NEVER come. But as it goes my wish didn't come true and today it was my birthday.
I was so scared because I have NO good memories at all from my birthdays... Actually I remember none of them exept the last two... roughly... And those memories are NOT good.
Anyways, today I had a great day.
Well most of the day was great. The only thing i didnt like was the fact that one of my abusers called and tried to make me feel bad worthless and so on and so on... You all know the stuff they want you to feel in many cases. BUT I managed to HANG UP THE PHONE before he finished talking.
My boyfriend gave me a birthday present, he really did. Can you believe that? And he not only gave me a birthday present, but he gave me THE BEST birthday present anyone could wish for.
And he baked a cake together with me. I put lots of colourful decoration on it. I had lots of fun, just like a little child baking a cake with its mother. And as this thought came into my head i got sad, because i realized that this was the first time I made a cake. This was the first time someone baked a cake with me...
All in all i kind of feel sad and happy at the same time. This day was so wonderful. I had so much fun. My boyfried was so nice to me actually everything was just good. But there is this feeling of sadnes nonetheless. I thought maybe it comes from the fact that i miss my childhood...?...
i am really confused... but i dont feel bad... not really... sad and happy... confused... but not really bad...
i think i should watch a nice and funny movie now...
its all so conflictive... those opposite feelings and thoughts...
have to sort out my thoughts... If anyone has anything to contribute i would be grateful. :)
confused greetings,
Maya
