I study two courses of study.

One being physics, the other being computer science.

I want to obtain a PhD in physics beginning to work on it probably as of summer next year.

At the same time i want to keep studying computer science to obtain a "Master" in that subject and maybe even go on with that afterwards as well.

So there shouldnt be a problem with it i guess...

But tomorrow i have an appointment with one of the Professors of my university, to talk about my options (where i want to work for my PhD, what kind of subject i want to work on and so on, all the questions that come with a decision like that.)

Now there are two problems: I feel like i dont have the right to get a PhD, because i should rather go and help my family (a bunch of drug addicts, alcoholics , with a lot of problems i think...)

I feel sorry for them... And i feel guilty, because i attend post secondary education...

But, i mean, i have worked so hard to get where i am now... I have really worked SO HARD...

It was my one and only dream to become a scientist... And now that dream is so close, i would just need to grab it...

It was all that kept me going... all that i had...

Do i really not have the right to do what i am doing? Do i have the right to work on getting a PhD in physics?

If not: Why not?

My mother tells me i dont have the right...

I am so confused... This is all i want...

Can someone please explain if i am allowed to do this?

Second problem is: The professor with whom i have the appointment tomorrow looks very much like one of my abusers...

I dont want to have a panic attack in his office...

What can i do to behave normally and to be able to have a normal conversation with him?

He is a really nice and great person. He just LOOKS like one of the abusers, but his personallity is so very different...

If anyone has ANYTHING at all to advice me with those problems, please tell me about it. I am so confused and i cant make up my mind wether or not its ok to do this...

Sorry for my bad English today, i am a bit confused which makes it a bit more difficult writing in English.

Hello, i need advice, yet again... sorry for that... Huge panic just broke loose here...

My therapist wants me to go and see a gynecologist...

I had to go see a gynecologist once when i was pregnant... That was sooo terrible... She saw all the injuries and scars... down there... from the things that happened...

And the scars in some of the places where i cut myself... (legs and arms and belly)

She was looking at me really strangely... And i was sooo damn scared... i totally paniced...

then i froze and just didnt move anymore at all... didnt say a word... Just sat there... scared to death...

My therapist wants me to go since i have abdominal pain... like always...

And i am so scared...

i dont want to go... seriousely...

What do you do, when they notice? When they see it?

When they wonder about your behaviour? About your scars down there? About whatever?

I just dont think i can do it...

What am i supposed to do? I am so scared...

Please, if anyone has any advice at all, please tell me...

Hello, its me again. I am sorry that i take so much space on here...

I have an appointment at the dentist in about two weeks and I am so scared...

I hate it when someone puts something in my mouth...

It reminds me of some things that happened...

What am I supposed to do? I mean i cant tell the dentist that i am scared... I mean I am a grown up person, so i definitely dont have the right to be scared of the dentist... do i?

The problem is, when I was 8 one of the abusers beat me up really bad... As a result I spent three weeks in the hospital, lost one and a half teeth, had some broken bones (left clavicle, left arm and three ribs) plus a concussion... My family told the doctors who asked that i got in a fight with another child on the playground and the child threw me off the jungle gym. Completely stupid!! Liars!! And the story wasnt even conclusive to the injuries... But of course the doctors did nothing... And this was only one of VERY MANY visits to the doctor or stays at the hospital due to the abuse... Sometimes the doctors even called the cops. But the family somehow always got away with it...

Anyways. Here I am being scared of the dentist but when i lost the teeth the doctors sort of fixed it so that it looks almost like natural teeth. When i was younger the "construction" (i dont know a better word) broke again and again of course. But it didnt break during the last three years. But now it did break again. So i should go to the dentist to get it fixed... But like i said i am so scared...

What can i do about it? How do i get less scared of the dentist?

Does anyone have any ideas what i could do? I would be very grateful for any idea...

the adoptive mother called and said I need to come back to visit one of the abusers for his birthday.

She says I need to fulfil my duty.

She says I shouldnt always be so egoistic.

This scares me so much.

I feel like I HAVE TO go back.

Like I have to visit him.

I want to make something right just ONCE.

So I need to go back.

But I am scared.

I am so weak.

I am so egoistic

Being scared means that I am egoistic.

I am only thinking about myself.

I shouldnt.

I am not that important.

I feel bad.

I have a bad conscience.

I am a bad person.

What should I do?

How do I get through this?

Help please...

Hello,

I am just trying to write a letter to my birthmother whom I never got to know. We had contact when i was 18 for a short while by writing letters. We never met in person. I had so many problems at that time and still have that i couldn't keep up the contact and it eventually broke. Well, now i would like to rebuild it and i am already searching for her new adress. But i have no idea of how to write the letter. How much can I tell her? i don't want to be rude, it wouldn't be nice of me to tell her. But on the other hand i don't watn her to think she wasn't important to me and that was the reason why the contact broke. But how could you possibly tell something like that in a letter? Do you think i should ask her to meet?

I really don't know anything...

And well, sorry for my English... Today is not one of my best days, which is why my English isn't good today...

I would be greatful for any advice.

hi everyone... I just don't know what to do anymore... I am so scared to go to the hospital... I have to go there on monday and stay for 14 weeks and i just don't want. I just don't want to have this stuff in my head anymore, want all the problems to go away. But I don't know how the therapy is supposed to help with that... Maybe it would be better not to go there at all? I am so scared... I don't want to be in the hospital... Don't know what to do anymore...

It hurts so much inside and I can't do anything about it. I feel like i am being torn apart...

Can anyone help please?...