I'm struggling this week. Really struggling. I feel so selfish, because I need so much support right now just to get through, day by day, and I know that my friends and family have much more important/exciting things to do than help me. I spent an hour sobbing my heart out to my friend on the phone earlier, and it's not fair that he should have to deal with me in that state.
I've decided to have counselling to help me deal with what I've been through. I'm not ready to go into details yet, but the nature of this site gives it away, I guess. I find it difficult to talk about it, particularly out loud. I've been on anti-depressants all year so far and, despite being on the highest dose, they haven't been working. My psychiatrist has decided to wean me off these and try a different, stronger type, which means that I'll have to get worse before I can get better. I really do feel worse right now. I know I shouldn't rely on the pills to fix everything for me, but right now I can't even manage to get out of bed. I just want to close the door, draw the curtains, turn out the lights, unplug the phone and generally shut out the world. Maybe turn the world off completely, or at least pause it for a while until I'm ready to continue.
I'm signed off work for a couple of months now, and the days are just blurring into one. My friend texts me every morning to let me know what day it is, and to remind me what dose of pills I need to take and when. Sometimes when I wake up I look at the clock and don't know whether it's morning or night. I'm so frustrated with myself because I feel like giving up and I don't want to give up, but I don't have the energy to keep fighting this. I really don't have the energy to start talking about it again with my new therapist.
I met my new therapist for the first time last week. She's really lovely, easy to talk to and we get on really well. I'm supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow but she called and asked if we could postpone until next week, because "something important has come up". I agreed, but as soon as I put the phone down I burst into tears and cried for the next few hours. I feel really selfish because if someone needs her enough that she cancels a pre-arranged appointment to see them, they obviously really need her, but I need her too! I feel like, once again, my feelings are pushed aside in favour of someone else's. Don't I deserve her time too? It was a massive step for me to ask for help and now, on our second session, she's already rescheduling me in favour of more important patients. I think I'm just dealing with it very badly this week as I'm coming off my pills and susceptible to a relapse anyway. But she knows that and surely she should be trying to support me when I'm more vulnerable and unmedicated, not abandoning me? Maybe I am being selfish and unreasonable. I just feel awful and I can't see a way out of feeling like this.
I just need help!