Posted: 8/24/2011 - 4 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

There's a picture of a girl

In a beautiful heart-shaped frame

That I keep next to my bedside

Lest I forget her name.

 

Her hair was sleek and shiny,

Her eyes were bright and blue,

Her rosebud lips were smiling,

Her innocence shone through.

 

The day that photo was taken

The sun lit up the sky,

Her laughter abundantly filled the room,

There was a twinkle in her eye.

 

Her happiness and friendliness

Were a joy to those she met,

She loved with all of her heart;

A heart that hadn't been broken yet.

 

Until one day, without warning,

A policeman took me aside

And broke the tragic news to me;

Last night that girl had died.

 

She had only been 19 years old,

The same age, in fact, as me.

She had her whole life ahead of her,

That now she will not see.

 

Her life had been stolen away from her

Upon the whim of an angry man,

19 short years and then she was gone;

Could this really have been God's plan?

 

I slowly look down at her body,

Flinching at each cut and bruise;

A shell of the person who once was here,

Who fought back, but was destined to lose.

 

I weep for her loss every day of my life,

Wishing that she were still here,

Hoping each phone call, each knock at the door

Would bring her to reappear.

 

These days when I look in the mirror

I sometimes see her looking back;

The blue eyes, sleek hair, rosebud lips

Appear for a moment, then crack.

 

The girl that had died that awful night

Had forever lost her soul,

Yet her body survived that vicious attack

And could never be consoled.

 

 

Posted: 8/17/2011 - 2 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]
Category: struggles

I'm struggling this week.  Really struggling.  I feel so selfish, because I need so much support right now just to get through, day by day, and I know that my friends and family have much more important/exciting things to do than help me.  I spent an hour sobbing my heart out to my friend on the phone earlier, and it's not fair that he should have to deal with me in that state.

I've decided to have counselling to help me deal with what I've been through.  I'm not ready to go into details yet, but the nature of this site gives it away, I guess.  I find it difficult to talk about it, particularly out loud.  I've been on anti-depressants all year so far and, despite being on the highest dose, they haven't been working.  My psychiatrist has decided to wean me off these and try a different, stronger type, which means that I'll have to get worse before I can get better.  I really do feel worse right now.  I know I shouldn't rely on the pills to fix everything for me, but right now I can't even manage to get out of bed.  I just want to close the door, draw the curtains, turn out the lights, unplug the phone and generally shut out the world.  Maybe turn the world off completely, or at least pause it for a while until I'm ready to continue.

I'm signed off work for a couple of months now, and the days are just blurring into one.  My friend texts me every morning to let me know what day it is, and to remind me what dose of pills I need to take and when.  Sometimes when I wake up I look at the clock and don't know whether it's morning or night.  I'm so frustrated with myself because I feel like giving up and I don't want to give up, but I don't have the energy to keep fighting this.  I really don't have the energy to start talking about it again with my new therapist.

I met my new therapist for the first time last week.  She's really lovely, easy to talk to and we get on really well.  I'm supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow but she called and asked if we could postpone until next week, because "something important has come up".  I agreed, but as soon as I put the phone down I burst into tears and cried for the next few hours.  I feel really selfish because if someone needs her enough that she cancels a pre-arranged appointment to see them, they obviously really need her, but I need her too!  I feel like, once again, my feelings are pushed aside in favour of someone else's.  Don't I deserve her time too?  It was a massive step for me to ask for help and now, on our second session, she's already rescheduling me in favour of more important patients.  I think I'm just dealing with it very badly this week as I'm coming off my pills and susceptible to a relapse anyway.  But she knows that and surely she should be trying to support me when I'm more vulnerable and unmedicated, not abandoning me?  Maybe I am being selfish and unreasonable.  I just feel awful and I can't see a way out of feeling like this.

I just need help!

Posted: 8/12/2011 - 0 comment(s) [ Comment ] - 0 trackback(s) [ Trackback ]

It can't have really happened

Not to me

Not in real life

Can it?

 

I can't speak the word

The "R" word

The word that didn't happen

At least, not to me.

 

I'm sure if it had happened

People would have noticed

But they haven't

So it can't be true.

 

Perhaps I dreamt it

Or made it up for attention

Only no-one else knows

So that can't be right.

 

But it can't be true

Because no-one has noticed

Or maybe no-one cares

Or perhaps it's normal.

 

No-one speaks of it

Is it only me?

Overreacting?

Does this happen to everyone?

 

No, it can't be real

I would know if it was.

This isn't how it happens

So it can't be true.

I must be a liar.

Mustn't I?