I always knew it but never let myself try, I'm moving on. The feeling is wierd, its scary and unknown, but it feels safe. I'm in a good space now and surrounded by my fianc�e's family, they are teaching me that there is more to life. They, in a strange way, without even knowing it (and without knowing any of this has happened) are helping me to feel more accepting of the bad parts in my family. Maybe I am distancing myself from them, maybe that is what it is. Thinking about it now I am safe, and so is my baby sister... she is not a baby anymore and old enough to take care of herself, I keep her close just like before. I hope that my experience did not touch her, because I took it all so that she wouldn't have to. I am glad, and even glader that she knows none of this. It would break my heart if she did.

I've been thinking more and more about family. In a few years I want to be on my way and having my own babies and this is scary. How will I act, I want them never to know, unless they have to. I keep being reminded of a film, 'apocalypto' and the part where the father was talking to his son about fear, and about keeping it away from his family, and tribe. I also wonder about my brother and that one day he will too have a family. How concerned should I be when that happens. I've been thinking about it a lot and it does worry me. He is going to be a best man at my wedding, I have calmed at the idea (the rest of my family don't know what he did to me). My mum mentioned that when I have a child my siblings should be their godparents. I agree about my sister but I can't do it for my brother. I forgive him, I do, but I need to find a way out of that one before it happens. Am I being silly? Even if he is a godparent to my child it doesn't mean anything, does it? I would still protect them and be there when he is, do I trust that he did this to me but now that he's grown he will never do it again... He's my brother and always will be, what happened?  :(