Suffering from a brusied ego tonight. Found out that the project I spent almost a year contains about only 1/4 of the work in it. And on top of it me and best friend ended up flirting with the same guy and it ended up that he was so flirting with her not me. No big suprise, if its a competion between the two of us she wins hands down. Totally doesn't help myself estem nor did accidiently way overtipping our waiter, which I I am tired of being reminded of. It probally would suck as much if it wasn't for old estem issues pooping up. I fell ready to date... I feel like such a broken loser about the fact that I am going to be 26 this summer and I have NEVER been on a date. My last kiss was over 12 years ago with my abuser..so it really doesn't count. :( I am ready to move on and date, and find someone.... I just don't know...I feel alone right now.

Ria 

In many ways I am learning to love again. Its not that I don't love my foo, but in many ways I feel like I am obligated to love them. There are some days I don't want to. I've heard the whole you can love them with out loving what they do. It still is tied up with so much hurt and dissapointment and baggage. I use to have friends that I loved verry much...they are long gone now. That loss, I've been moving on for the most part but the pain comes back every once in a while. And now I have made some new friends who I realized I care deeply for and it scares that crap out of me. And its confussing and so navigating the emotional boundries. How can you love someone so much that your not sexually attracted to? What is this love thing? And then there is the whole want and desire to be in a healthy relationshp that is more than just friends and the loneliness of knowing that there aren't alot of options for that for you right now.

Hi all! I'm back. Its been way over a year since I have been on, in fact it has so long that I forgot my password and I'm back now. I need the suport of people who understand. The wounds are hurting as I say and its about four AM and I can sleep. I have had so many changing since last beening on here. I'm living on my own( got out of that fooi that was slowly killing me) and am a graduate student in the mid-west. I moved out here about 7 months ago. School is really high stress. I am in a funk this semester. Despite this enviroment being really supportive, I don't have alot of support out here for survior stuff. I have three friends(one I know from before) that I have disclosed my abuse to, niether are surviors. I just need to let some of this out again in asafe eniviroment. Hoping to go back to therpay soon, I have been putting it off and now i'm Sans car right now... I'm struggling with headaches again( i think it has to do with the stress. The enviroment I am in brings  alot of intense emotions and old issues. If my thoughts were clearer I'd write more....This healing process sure is long.

Its been two years today that I joined this site. Somedays I feel like I am making progress and others I don't. I am very thankful for this site, that it is here when I need it. Many new people have joined which is so great. The picture has really grown since I joined. Alot of my pain inside of me has left as well. Just knowing your not alone is sad but also really comforting. Here we don't have to be silent. Thank you David and everyone who has helped me in this healing process on here. May another two years bring continued healing for us all.

Ria

My little cosin D is a survior like the rest of us. She was molested by her cosin C, not mine, on her otherside. She told me this a year ago. It happened when she was five. Today at our grandparents' aniversary party, our other cosin K brought her boyfriend with her, C. Thats right this C is the same C from before. My cosin's boyfriend C besides doing crap to my family like helping D's brother rob a liqcor store(this ones on D's brother but C encouraged him to do shit like this all the time), and then trying to get my cosin C arrested by telling the cops he was him, He molested my baby cosin D. And then the bastard has to date my cosin K. Not everyone knows that K's boyfriend C is a child molester. I do and I want to just scream at K why did you bring him here. He molested your cosin. He's a bastard and I don't have to like him. My baby cosin D shouldn't have to see her abuser. No one should if they don't want to. I can't stand looking at this guy, just knowing he touched D, knowing what he is. Besides a being just plain trouble hes a fricking pedophile. 

God this upsets me. I know people make there own choices and people suposidly can change but as reformed as D's abuser suposidly ever gets does NOT change the fact that he molested a 5 year old girl. And this gives me every right to kick him out of my house if he ever shows up. I should report his ass for what he did, but I am hoping to get D to report it for herself and get healing from it.  It pisses me off and brings up all my own pain as well. I wonder if its the same way with all surviors, Does seeing a abuser of someone else bring up your pain as well? Do you get that creepy felling, do you feel the anger rise up in you? or is it just me?

Ria

Hey Friends,

I just wanted to give everyone an update about how things have been going with me. I haven't posted much in a while and have only been reading a little. Life right now for me has been going kind of crappy. Instead of headaches I have been dealing with stomach problems, the only thing that was helping was not eating, which I have now decided that eating and having stomach cramps was way better than not eating at all. I have also been really anxious and emotional. I call it anious or a_hole. I feel like my flght our fight just won't turn off. Called the insurance company and got a name of a T whose on my plan so hopefuly she works out. Mostly life has been tons of stress problems. seem to be stressed out over everything. Its the pits beening a survior but I'm hanging on, this rough road will be over someday and I can be healed and happy. Thank God for the all the Support I have now, so much better than when I first came here There is always hope. I'll hang inthere and I hope everyone else is too. WE ALL CAN BEAt THIS!

RIa  

Last night I remembered something new and it shook me up real bad. It wasn't any detals of about my abuse or my abuser but of afterwards. I've always thought that I knew nothing of my abuse for the first five years after but last night I remembered a memory from when I was forteen. I spoke about it, not in detail or about being abused or anything but I mentioned a specific moment of my abuse invovling a kiss. At forteen I remembered this kiss and then blocked it out until a couple years ago. It shook me up because it changes my perspective. I thought one way and now its just another detail. And as I heal there will be more and more and more.  

I am really proud of how far I have come, I have along ways to go, but I am starting to make real progress. It not easy, thats why being a survior can suck so much. It takes so much longer than the abuse ever took. A hundred times over thats what it will take to heal. But tonight I want to agknowlege how far I have come. I still have issues and some days it is hard. I still cry, I still have days where I feel awful but I have made big steps on my journey. I wish that some of the people I cared about before and left 'cause they weren't supporters and they couldn't handle it, could see me now. I'm different, I am me and I am better. I have come very far. I am grateful for my supporters who have helped me and my family of fellow surviors who helped me see I am not alone. Tonight is a night for celebration. I can get back to the healing process tomarrow. Tonight I'll celebrate me.

Ria

I've been having the feeling that I was taking numerous steps back in my healing process. some days its gets so hard and I feel like I have taken steps back from where I was a few months ago. Then I realised that with being a survior you have to heal yourself from every direction and every asspect in your life because abuse tarnishes every asspect of your life. It leaves nothing clean and untouched. So these past few months I am healing another aspect of me. From every angle the view is new. I'm not failing at this, I am healing.  

I was sexually abused at the age of 11 or 12 for a period of 6 to 9 months.

It was in a public place just out of sight of adults that could have saved me. 

My perpetrator was a boy just 3 years(I think) older than myself. He made it into a game that excelated everytime we met(on an almost weekly basis).  

Sometimes there was the sweet reprive of not seeing him or no abuse. I got away from the sitiation eventually and I never saw him again.

I lived for 5 years in complete denial. Then for two in not telling anyone else. Then I told a few special people, whom I can count on my hands. They are all gone. The effects of my abuse lingered throughout pushed friends away, etc. Then I had a tramatic experience again of a differnt kind, tryed to push it away like I did my abuse. It didn't work. Four months latter, I finally, got into therapy. The first two months of therapy were tough and I was struggling outside of it, and push more people away. I'm still in therapy and feel like I'm healing. I'm a survior. and this new year is a fresh start for me. At the end of 2008 I found some good places for support. I'm ready to be survior, it  is who I am. This is my year.

Ria