Tonight was a night to revist old feelings. Second aniversary a crappy time. ALways seems to be one. Nov 5 aniversary of the night my two dearset 'freinds' told me they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I tried not to think of them, tonight i did. Somethings happened tonight that parelled things I felt around them.
Things that still affect me. I wish they wouldn't. Hope that someday they won't.
I hate getting forgoten/feel like I been forgoten.
I hate waiting alone for someone whos running more than 15 minutes late
I still get triggered a little by not knowing whats going on.
I hate being a pain in the ass but I don't like living this way. I didn't want to be abused and I certainly hate the long process of living with it. Sometime I want a label on me that says Trauma Survior: Stronger than a bear but please handle with care.
Why do i feel this way. I ended up driving 30 min to a meeting only to sit in the dark alone in my car for about 20 minutes wondering what was going on and trying not to panic cause i'm starting to get triggered. 5 min after it was supose to start I texted a person. By 15 minutes after it starts I start making calls. First two voice mails finally on the third I get someone and am told no, we rescuduled it. I said thanks hung up went home. Eventually got a text back from person 1 30 min after I sent mine. I was cordial, dispite beening pissed and triggered. I was never told. No emails, no texts, no calls, oops.
The two supossed friends use to do that to me all the time. Be late, blow me off, not answer phone. Mostly cause they were busy. - tonight brougth that up again. Old feeling of resentment topped off by triggers and dissapointment. No wonder I feel like shit.
I'll be gentle with my meeting partners, or a least try to. Hopefully by the next meeting I won't be so confussed.