Its been two years today that I joined this site. Somedays I feel like I am making progress and others I don't. I am very thankful for this site, that it is here when I need it. Many new people have joined which is so great. The picture has really grown since I joined. Alot of my pain inside of me has left as well. Just knowing your not alone is sad but also really comforting. Here we don't have to be silent. Thank you David and everyone who has helped me in this healing process on here. May another two years bring continued healing for us all.

Ria

Tonight was a night to revist old feelings. Second aniversary a crappy time. ALways seems to be one. Nov 5 aniversary of the night my two dearset 'freinds' told me they wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I tried not to think of them, tonight i did. Somethings happened tonight that parelled things I felt around them.

Things that still affect me. I wish they wouldn't. Hope that someday they won't.

I hate getting forgoten/feel like I been forgoten.

I hate waiting alone for someone whos running more than 15 minutes late

I still get triggered a little by not knowing whats going on.

I hate being a pain in the ass but I don't like living this way. I didn't want to be abused and I certainly hate the long process of living with it. Sometime I want a label on me that says Trauma Survior: Stronger than a bear but please handle with care. 

Why do i feel this way. I ended up driving 30 min to a meeting only to sit in the dark alone in my car for about 20 minutes wondering what was going on and trying not to panic cause i'm starting to get triggered. 5 min after it was supose to start I texted a person. By 15 minutes after it starts I start making calls. First two voice mails finally on the third I get someone and am told no, we rescuduled it. I said thanks hung up went home. Eventually got a text back from person 1 30 min after I sent mine. I was cordial, dispite beening pissed and triggered.  I was never told. No emails, no texts, no calls, oops. 

The two supossed friends use to do that to me all the time. Be late, blow me off, not answer phone. Mostly cause they were busy. - tonight brougth that up again. Old feeling of resentment topped off by triggers and dissapointment. No wonder I feel like shit.  

I'll be gentle with my meeting partners, or a least try to. Hopefully by the next meeting I won't be so confussed.

Ria

Been a while since I've written. Been reading sometime but not writing. I'm feeling like I need to go to therapy again for a little bit. I cope well, I'm functional. Just need someone to help me handle the stresses of life that bring back the feelings from abuse. Mostly guilt stuff invoving my foo and some emotional boundry stuff. I had dinner the other night with some friends who don't know about the abuse. We started talking about really immature people our age and older. One of My Friends said "Hey Ria , You are really mature". My reply, "Thanks alot of it is, because I''ve lived through hell." Her reply " I thought you had."  We went on talking about the really crappy year I had had before I met them.  And went on about some stuff. Conversation really stuck with me though.  I can heal the wounds from my abuse but the scars will always be with me. The will fade unti I can almost not even see them but they will still be there. They will be my battle scars. Reminds me of the phoniex tat I think of getting on and of.  Rising from the ashes reborn.

Ria

My birthdays coming up in about three weeks and I feel really sad about it. Lots of rejection surrounding memories of that day. Friends who forgot, family that does not care. Reminders of the years that have gone by. For me my birthday is the aniversary of my abuse. I have no real memory of the day it started or anything like that. It lasted for so long, I just blocked out that enitre year of my life. Memories still pop up but I forgot that year of my life. That year almost 13 years ago. My birthday is the reminder. I try to be happy to think that I am two years on my healing journey now. That I'm healing. But some days its harder. Just thinking that something from half my life ago still affects me so deeply really bums me out.  So much more... but don't feel like writing it all down.

Ria

My little cosin D is a survior like the rest of us. She was molested by her cosin C, not mine, on her otherside. She told me this a year ago. It happened when she was five. Today at our grandparents' aniversary party, our other cosin K brought her boyfriend with her, C. Thats right this C is the same C from before. My cosin's boyfriend C besides doing crap to my family like helping D's brother rob a liqcor store(this ones on D's brother but C encouraged him to do shit like this all the time), and then trying to get my cosin C arrested by telling the cops he was him, He molested my baby cosin D. And then the bastard has to date my cosin K. Not everyone knows that K's boyfriend C is a child molester. I do and I want to just scream at K why did you bring him here. He molested your cosin. He's a bastard and I don't have to like him. My baby cosin D shouldn't have to see her abuser. No one should if they don't want to. I can't stand looking at this guy, just knowing he touched D, knowing what he is. Besides a being just plain trouble hes a fricking pedophile. 

God this upsets me. I know people make there own choices and people suposidly can change but as reformed as D's abuser suposidly ever gets does NOT change the fact that he molested a 5 year old girl. And this gives me every right to kick him out of my house if he ever shows up. I should report his ass for what he did, but I am hoping to get D to report it for herself and get healing from it.  It pisses me off and brings up all my own pain as well. I wonder if its the same way with all surviors, Does seeing a abuser of someone else bring up your pain as well? Do you get that creepy felling, do you feel the anger rise up in you? or is it just me?

Ria

Hey Friends,

I just wanted to give everyone an update about how things have been going with me. I haven't posted much in a while and have only been reading a little. Life right now for me has been going kind of crappy. Instead of headaches I have been dealing with stomach problems, the only thing that was helping was not eating, which I have now decided that eating and having stomach cramps was way better than not eating at all. I have also been really anxious and emotional. I call it anious or a_hole. I feel like my flght our fight just won't turn off. Called the insurance company and got a name of a T whose on my plan so hopefuly she works out. Mostly life has been tons of stress problems. seem to be stressed out over everything. Its the pits beening a survior but I'm hanging on, this rough road will be over someday and I can be healed and happy. Thank God for the all the Support I have now, so much better than when I first came here There is always hope. I'll hang inthere and I hope everyone else is too. WE ALL CAN BEAt THIS!

RIa  

Today I got high because I felt like getting high. Afterwards I felt like shit because I told myself I would never do that. That I would never get high to mask all the pain I am in. Thought it would make the anixaty better. It didn't, made me feel worse. Then I lied to people I care about about it. I feel like shit. I regret this so much. Today was a shitty day, pardon the language. It sucked. I regret so much having to hide my struggles from people I care about. I feel worse for giving in to the urge to use. I been fighting wanted to use to take my pain away for a year. Today I gave in. I feel like a failure. :( Being a survior sucks.

Ria