sorry you guys that i havent been here much . ive been so busy ever since i moved to cincinnati and i havent found the time to check in. i have good and not so good news.

good news: im turning 18 in a week!! yup, November 21 i will be turning the big 1 8  and i cant wait!! ill finally be a LEGAL adult. and i couldnt be happier to have survived in a world so cold and cruel, and i owe it all to God :)

not so good news: during the summer i picked up a bad habit - i started smoking cigarettes. me, the person who despises cigarettes and always have since i was a little kid. i used to steal my mom cigarettes and break them and throw them in the trash. and now i smoke them :( but im working on quitting although its not easy..

well thats about it for me . i have tons more stories to tell but my hands will get tired typing all of that lol. well how has everyone been? remember if anyone needs advice or help with anything you can come to me. i know i havent been here much but i promise to make an effort to check in more often, mmkay :-) xoxo

much love,

sydnei

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry I've been neglecting this sight!! I just have so much going on and can barely find the time to breathe! This message is just an update on how I've been doing..

Good news! I'm finally living in Cincinnati now! I've been living here for a week now and things are great! I just need to get my information sent down here so I can be able to get a job and really get things going! I'm glad to be out here with the people who really truly love and care for me. Again I'm sorry for not getting on this sight as much as I use to. I will make it an effort to try to log on more often!

Stay strong and remember you are all beautiful :)

xoxo,

Sydnei

        So it's been decided in the begining of the year that when the school year ends i am moving to Ohio to live with my father and the rest of my family out there. I just feel that by me moving to another state to live with people that i feel TRULY love me, will be like a fresh start...which i need. I just was never happy in Indiana, and never will be. I never felt truly loved or cared for by people out here...and i see no reason to stay somewhere i feel i'm not wanted so i'm moving somewhere where i know i am wanted and loved.

        As far as leaving behind the few people i DO care for in Indiana, i don't regret my decision to move to Ohio. I know they will understand because they know how i feel when i'm out here and they would want me to be happy. So as soon as the school year ends for me on June 8th (technically June 12, but i never go the last few days), my dad will come and get me and i'll never have to come back to Indiana again. I thought about visiting, for my friends, but no point. I think it will be best if when i move i cut off all contact with my friends since i won't be visiting.

        So yea, between June 9 and June 16th, I should be moved to Ohio. Can't wait!! Maybe I will finally be truly happy there...

-Take care, stay strong, love ya all!! *Hugs* :) :)

Everyone on this site has been through so much in their lives, and i know alot of y'all feel like you have nobody to turn to. So I just wanted to let y'all know that whenever you want or need to talk, vent, or anything else I'm here.  No matter what its about y'all can come to me. I don't want anyone on this site to feel alone or like they have nobody to talk to, because I know exactly how y'all feel. Y'all can message me, or just comment on my profile or whatever. Just know that I'm here for all of y'all, even if we're not friends on here or if I don't know you. Everyone wants to feel like somebody cares, even me. And even when I'm not able to check in, I just want y'all to know that I do care.

Well...... the holidays came quickly. To me it really doesn't seem like Christmas is less than 2 weeks away. I thought I was gone be all in the holdiay cheerful spirit. But, wow. And I'm not the only one, either. All of my friends and family feel the same way. I guess it's the weather that's doing that, cuz it's been rainy alot. It snowed a few times, but not enough to add to the Christmas mood. The holidays came so quickly that no one can even get into the spirit. Hopefully I'll be in the spirit before Christmas day actually arrives. But anyway I wanted to say happy holidays to all of you, have a wonderful Christmas, and stay happy!

-LOVE

So lately it seems like the past just keeps finding a way to sneak up on me. I been feeling really down lately, depressed, moody, and everything else. Peple notice and ask questions, but me being me naturally I don't say anything. It's crazy because I thought I was over it, but it feels like it still affects  me. Is it normal to feel this way even when I've moved on, or am I still struggling?

These eyes tell no lies.

My heart speaks the truth.

It hurts.

Bad.

Sometimes so bad it seems . .

unbearable.

It's too much to deal with

like being stabbed a million times,

each wound becoming a scar,

each scar a memory,

these memories too painful.

I don't see how anyone can take it.

I don't know how I will make it.

How can someone deal

with the pain of all these memories?

How will I survive

being stabed a million times?

So somehing crazy is going on. Missed period, stomach aches, going to the bathroom 24/7, and I been super tired lately! Confused! I know I'm not pregnant! Can't be! I haven't had sex in months! WTF?!?!

Last  night I had this WIERD ass dream. I was at this party, all my friends were there too, but we weren't together. Suddenly I look over and notice this man looking at me. Well I went to antoher part of the room to get something and the man was standing right there when I got there. I got whatever it was I wanted (I forgot) then had to pass the man in a narrow hall, meaning our bodies would touch. I passed by the man and went back to the party. A few mins later, I feel the man grab me frm behind and put me in a choke hold. I feel his erection growing and then next thing I know, he rammed hisself into me so hard! My breath got taken away, and then  woke up. I'm not mad or uset about it or nothing like that, I'm just like WTF?! I had wierder dreams before, I'm just saying, it's crazy tho!

Hi, I just thought I would share with you all some of the techniques I used to help me cope with my past.

So, one of the things I did to help me cope was to write. Whether it's poetry, or stories, or how your day went, and how you feel. I find that it really help you to let everything out. What you can do is, everyday you write at least once a day, for a certain amount of time. Then when you're done, read it. You might be surprised at what you read. When you really get into writing, and you read over it, sometimes you will see things that you didn't even realize you wrote! Writing can be very therapeutic.

Another thing that can help you cope is to reward yourself. Each time you feel like your one step closer to happiness, reward yourself. Go on a vacation, buy yourself a new outfit, or anything that you feel like you earned. You deserve it!

Basically, you should just do what makes you happy. Doing the things you love can really help you deal with the pain you're feeling. You will find yourself in a better and better mood if you surround yourself with things and people you love.

Doing these things helped me, and I hope they will help you too. Stay positive and remember that you are so strong and you can make it! You are not a victim, you are a SURViVOR!

Hands on my thighs, telling me lies. Eyes full of lust, betraying my trust. Whispers in my ear, filling me with fear, the hands start to creep and my eyes fill with tears. You lay me down. My clothes come off. Touches so gentle, caresses so soft. Cold and scared, I feel your lips, down my body, below my hips. Your hands feel me up and I feel your kiss taking away my joy and bliss. But then you stop, and our eyes met. The look on your face I will never forget. You pulled me close and you climbed on top, ignoring me when I begged you to stop. You were on me, inside me. I felt myself tearing. I couldn't believe the pain I was bearing. I saw your smile, a devilish grin. You were happy you made me a part of your sin. When will it end? I couldn't take anymore. Finally, your done and you walk out the door. I laid there shaking, body aching. Barely breathing, heart breaking. My body in pain, too scared to stand. I touch my thigh and see blood on my hand. You took my body and tore it in half. You took my childhood my heart and my laugh. You filled me with anger, caused me pain. I will never be the same person again.

*I know the pain you are all going thru. It will get better.*

i know the pain you feel,

wishing you could deal.

i know what you're going thru,

cuz i been thru it too.

you feel so alone,

so far away from home.

the feeling of despair,

like nobody cares.

you wanna run and hide

and stay away from the world.

it's like when people look at you,

they know what you been thru,

like they know your secret.

there's no way you can keep it.

you may come off as strong and happy,

but deep down your afraid and fragile.

i know you blame yourself,

you think it's your fault.

but don't think your to blame,

because your NOT.

just keep your head up,

and keep a smile on your face.

forgive, but never forget,

cuz when you forgive

you will be set free

just like a butterfly,

or a bird in the sky.

the demons in your life,

they can't hurt you anymore.

one day you will see

how it feels to be FREE.

This is dedicated to all of the people in the world who know the pain or being raped and sexually abused. I just want you to know that you are all so strong. I want to say that it's NOT your fault in any way, and that it does get better, I promise it does. Just stay positive and don't let ANYTHiNG stop you from being happy.

- Sydnei

ps: (I also want to apologize for not being on this site as much as i used to. I have been really busy lately and unable to make time to log on. However, I will try to check in more often to see how everything is going for you guys. Take care!)

i am beyond pissed ! on july 20 , 2011 , my cousin bryant raped me ! ! this is the same cousing who tried to rape me when i was 4 . ugh i`m so mad at him , nasty bastard , gotdammit ! ! seriously , wtf ? ! what was goin thru his head when he did it ! discusting , and i forgave him for what he did when i was little ! well you know what , he just lost my trust and my love !

right nw i am in cincinatti , ohio . i have told my big cousing`s brandon and bugga , and my uncle vance about what happened to me . i think i want to tell my dad . i might the next time i am alone woth hm . i just don`t know how he will react , and i don`t want hom to do somethin crazy because of somethin that happened almost 6 yrs ago . . . . should i tell him ?

hi i hope everyone is doing well . i`m so sorry i haven`t been loggin on as much as i used to . i`m barely ever around a computer and most of the time when i am it`s messed up in some way . but like i said before , i will try and log on as much as i can !

things are good for me . im in cincinatti right now , visiting my daddy`s side of the family . i have been real busy , mostly because everybody keeps askin me to spend time with them . but i think i really needed to get away from home , because i was gone end up goin crazy in that house . my mother`s boyfriend hasn`t been tryin anything funny lately (which is a good thing] because i would have cussed him out . as a matter of fact , i barely see him or his daughters anymore . i haven`t really been thinkin about everything i went thru , but the times that i do think about it , i feel a little sadness , but it`s mostly anger , and i guess i`m starting to think about it less and less . my family in ohio is great . they love to spoil me , and i don`t mind that at all ;) ! the only bad thing about being in ohio is that i can`t see any of my friends , but i can talk to them on facebook , skype and oovoo so it`s all good ! when school starts back for me (which will be aug . 8] , i will be a junior in high school . i`m having a good summer (so far] and i hope it stays that way !

i just wanted to check on you guys and let you know what`s been up with me lately , and i have been thinkin about all of you , and i hope you are all doing great . keep your heads up , you are all very strong ! remember that i`m here for all of you , when you need someone to talk to . and i will try to log on as much as i can . take care of yourselves :)

X0

sydnei

i feel like my life is slowly improving :) i am feeling happier , my friends are  T H E  B E S T  i love them to death !! my family i still despise and yes i still hate that hell called a house i live in , but im barely there anyway ! school is just about over now so im lookin for a summer job and gettin my drivers license . im not planning to stay in the house at all , even if i just go walking , but as long as im not in the house around them im  G O O D :)

i also wanted to say that im not sure how often i will be online , because i usually log in on a school computer , but since school is over in 4 days and my computer at home isnt connected to the internet , im not sure i will be on as often , but i promise i will try to be online as often as i can !! and im still here whenever anybody need somebody to talk to !!

i don`t even know what to say to you . there`s so many things i want to let out , so many things i feel as i write this . i have a question . why ? why did y`all do that to me ? i mean do you know how everything y`all did made me feel ? Y`all were touching on me so much it became all i knew . everything y`all did to me really rotted my mind . like you , kevin . all them times you made me "hide" with you under the bed . you could never just keep your hands off of me . you really did so much to me . and what you made me do to you was just sick . and ronnie , those times when you took me to the closet . when you layed me on the floor . your hands , and your lips , were just everywhere on me . i bet you enjoyed it . taking a little girl into a closet and licking her . and that night . when you first raped me . you manipulated me . you made me do it , then tricked me into liking it . why ? did the fact that i "liked" it make it feel good to you ? that was really dirty . and dominique . i have nothing to say to you . y`all was wrong for everything y`all did to me . and it really hurt me . for years , i been having flashbacks , hearing voices . i cut myself in middle school . you caused so much pain in my life . i despise all of you , and everybody like you . i was just a kid . i needed attention , i wanted atention . i just need to feel appreciated . but i didn`t know that y`all would "appreciate" me like that . but when y`all stopped seeing me on the weekends , did y`all do this t other kids too ? were y`all "appreciating" other kids ? i feel guilty for not telling nobody what y`all were doing to me , because that gave y`all opportunity to do it to other kids too . i really hope that all of you get exactly what to deserve . i hope you suffer . just like you made me suffer .

I don`t know what this is . . . . . I just . . . . . I need to vent . I guess I`m just typing my thoughts  down .

My mother`s boyfriend . . . . he is really pissing me off ! I mean , really ! 4 . 26 . 11 - He and his daughters came over , like usual . And like usual I just stayed in my room because I didn`t feel like dealing with him fucking with me . But my throat was real dry . So I waited until he left , or I thought he did , and went to get me something to drink . But when I came out of my room , he was still there . He yells out my name , or a nickname ppl call me that I hate 'Syd' . Then on the way to the kitchen , he blocks me so I can`t get thru . I`m thinkin WTF ! Then he wrapped his arm around my neck and chest area and just kept saying 'Give me a hug' tryin to be 'playful' . I just kept saying 'Ok.! Ok.!' and trying to get his arm from around me . Then he turned me around , still with his arm around me , so that he was up against me . I could swear he was grinding against me , so I just gave in and gave him a hug . During that 'hug'  he plays in my har A G A I N .!! My 'mother' was R I G H T T H E R E and didn`t do shit about it ! I guess because he was being 'playful' . Are you fucking serious ?!? You just gone grab me A N D grind up against me  then play with my hair !! Fucking Perv !! Ugh and my 'mother' didn`t see him grinding on me tho !! Either that or she just didn`t give a fuck !! She was right next to us !! So O B V I O U S L Y she don`t care !!  Sick mothafucker !! I can clearly see that he is probably after me , but all I know is , if I get raped again S O M E B O D Y gone fucking pay !!

Then I got mad at my 'mother' for not caring , so I did what I usually do whenever I get mad at her . . . . . I stole from her . Whether it`s money or other things I will take it from her when she makes me mad . But this time it wasn`t money . She didn`t have any cash so I took some of her weed , because I do like to smoke occasionally (which she doesn`t know) . So I took some and she must have noticed some missing cuz she came in my room and asked me did I take some and  of course I lied and said no . So she made me leave the room so she could search it . I have a lot of things to hide so I just acted offended and said 'Why I gotta leave the room for just search it in front of me !'. We kept arguing back and forth until I gave in and left . Then I listened by the door while she searched thru my stuff , scared that she would find the condoms I keep hidden (she also doesn`t know that I have sex) . But then she left the room about a minute later and I went back in . Next thing I know , she comes back in and says 'You know what you are so sneaky and I hate that about you ! You lie all the time and I can`t trust you and that`s not a good thing !' Then she left the room . As soon as she left , I just laughed . Like I realy care what she hates about me , or what anybody in this 'family' hates about me ! They could hate everything about me if they want to , I don`t give a fuck !! I hate this house anyway and I can`t wait until I`m old enough to move out , I ain`t E V E R comin back for nobody but my cousin Cheriaa !! So everybody in my So`Called 'Family' can just shut up with they bullshit !!

I literaly came to the point where I hate even going home . I look foward to coming to school (even tho I hate it) just to get away from home and to see my friends , or my Real family . So  guess I had alot to get off my chest , and it does feel good to get it off my chest . I`m sorry if this is too long , but once I started typing I ended up letting out alot more than I thought I would .

Why do it seem like everything gets better and worse at the same time ? Things are really crazy for me , but I guess that's just my life .

I have been really happy the past few months . But at the same time , I have been extrenely upset . Everyone in my family gets on my last fuckin nerve . They just love to see me unhappy . They make me so miserable . . . . it's just crazy . I hate my house , I hate being there so I try to get out as much as I can but they always use something to keep me in there . And now I have to worry about my mother's boyfriend . He ain't makin things any better . Every time he comes over , he just loves rubbin up against me . And worse , nobody even notices because everybody is preoccupied by other shit . And he always 'plays' in my hair . My mother sees that , and doesn't say or do shit about it . I guess she don't see it as a big deal . So I just never bring up anything he does with her or nybody else in my famly . She'll just get mad and act like something wrong with me . That's always how it is with them and me . Everytime I have a problem and don't tell them what it is , they get mad at me . But then , on those very rare occasions that I do decide to tell them , they wanna get mad and act like I'm wrong . They really piss me off . I get the feeling like they want me to be unhappy . They ike seing me upset . That's why I'm just counting down the days until I can move the fuck out of this house , and I'm never coming back . There is only one family member that I can actually trust and call family , and that is my cousin 'J Cheria Love' . I love her so much ad she is the only person I would come back for . I think we are so close because we both know pain and we both think the same way . We both hate where we live and wish we lived together agan . And that's why I told her what happened to me as a child .

But my life has some good in it : my friends . My friends are always there for me . I love them so much . They are my family . I dont know where I would be without them . They are the reason I'm so happy . They have helped me through so much , they listened , and didn't judge me . If it wasn't for them , my life would be hell (even it kindah is already) . My So'Called 'family' was and is never there for me , but my friends , my real family , is awlays here to support me , through anything . They keeep a :) on my face .

Well , I hope things get better for me . I hope my 'mother' boyfriend don't have the same fucked up mind that my cousin and his friends did . I hope time flies so I can get the hell out of this house . And  hope I get happier as the days go by .

As the days go by
the memories
they flood my mind .
It seems like the older I get
the more I remember
and it hurts me
but I do remember .
I remember
that day in the back of the house
Romeo
When you pushed me against the house
When you pulled down your pants
and you pulled down mine
IT almost happened that day
but luckily
that man walked by and saw us
or it would've been taken away .
I remember
That day in the basement
Dre
When we were playing
and you threw me on the bed
and you grinded on me
and you grinded hard .
That hurt me
then you heard the footsteps
and you got off of me
and ran .
And I remember
that night under the bed
Kevin
You made me hide with you
We were playing hide and go seek
but you wanted to play something else .
You did things to me
You made me do things to you
I will forever regret
what happened under that bed
I will never forget .
And I remember
that night in the closet
Ronnie
you touched me
you undressed me
you kissed me
but it wasn't on my lips
you kissed me places you shouldn't have
Why did you do that.?
And I remember
that night
the night IT happened
Ronnie
when you took it from me
something so precious
But you tricked me into likng it
I just wanted attention
and you gave it to me .
But it wasn't right.!
You were kissing me
and touching me
and when you said you love me
I just couldn't help it.!
And after that night
the night my world changed
I never wanted it again .
But you made me do it
over., and over., and over again .
And as the days go by
the memories flood my mind .
The older I get
the more i remember
and it hurts me
but I do remember .

I feel like I need to get this out . Well , I know that I always say I was such a bad child , but it's true . I mean . . . I lied all the time . Stole from my family . Wrote threatening notes to people all the time . Beat on my family whenever I got mad at them . When I was in elementary school , almost all of the boys liked me and liked to feel on me , I would just let them . And whe we got caught , everybody always blamed me for letting them . I even showed myself to other boys just to get them to notice me . I was just always causing trouble . So I guess that made my 'family' just stop giving me the attention I wanted . All my cousins and siblings just liked to get me in trouble , and got mad at me all the time . All the adults stayed mad at me . Well sine I never got attention from the people that I thought loved me , I became a real attention seeker . So to be honest , sometimes I would just let my abusers do the things they wanted to do to me , just for the attention . And sometimes , I even liked it . One of his'friends' got me alone with him a few times . Once is when everyone was playing hide and go seek . I think I was 8 years old at the time . He got me to hide under the bed with him . We were under there for so long . He did alot of things to me that night . He was kissing me on my lips . He was just kissing on me and feeling on me . He had his fingers in me . He was giving me oral . He got on top of me and grinded on me . The worst part about it is , I liked it . He was moaning the whole time and honestly , I was too . But one thing he made me do that I didn't like was , he made me perform orally on him . He was the only one who ever made me do that . And that wasn't the only time , but I can remember it only happening twice . I can't help but feel that I deserved what happened to me . I shouldn't have liked it , and I shouldn't have let them do it . I just wanted somebody to pay attention to me , and they did . Am I wrong for just letting them ? Am I wrong for liking it ? Did I deserve it ?

iLove These  Songs . They're Called 'With a Child's ♥' And 'Music And Me' By Michael Jackson . iListen to Them All The Time., Mainly When i'm Feeling Down . They Makes Me Smile., And They May Be Even Helping Me With My Healing Process . if You Haven't Heard Them., You Should Listen To Them .  They Are Really Good Songs And Will Make You :) :)

Michael Jackson - With A Child's ♥

With A Child's ♥

Go Face The Worries Of The Day

With A Child's ♥

Turn Each Problem into Play

No Need To Worry

No Need To Fear

Just Being Alive

Makes it All So Very Clear

With A Child's ♥

Nothing Can Ever Get You Down

With A Child's ♥

You've Got No Reason To Frown

Love is As Welcome

As A Sunny., Sunny Day

No Grown Up Thoughts
 

To Lead Our ♥'s Astray

Take Life Easy

it's So Easy

Nice And Easy

Like A Child

So Gay And So Carefree

The Whole World Smiles With You

As You Go your Mary Way

With A Child's ♥

Nothing's Gonna Get

Nothing's Gonna Get

Nothing's Gonna Get Me Down

With A child's ♥

Nothing's Gonna Get

Nothing's Gonna Get

Nothing's Gonna Get Me Down

Michael Jackson - Music And Me

We've Been Together

For Such A Long Time

Now Music

Music And Me

Don't Care Whether

All Our Songs Rhyme

Now Music

Musc And Me

Only Know

Wherever iGo

We're As Close

As Two Friends Can Be

There Have Been Others

But Never Two Lovers

Like Music

Music And Me

Grab A Song

And Come Along

You Can Sing Your Melody

in Your Mind

You Will Find

A World

Of Sweet Harmony

Birds Of A Feather

Will Fly Together

Now Music

Music And Me

Music And Me

I Am Currenty At School And I Just Wrote This Poem Off The Top Of My Brain . I Hope You Guys Like It . . . . . .

If Only You Saw Me Today

You Would Know

What Your Touches

Your Breaths

Your Moans

Your Words

What It Made Me .

If You Looked In My Eyes Today

You Would Wish You Hadn't

If You Heard My Voice

You Would Wish You Were Deaf

If You Saw My Arm

You Would Wish You Were Blind

And If You Knew What Was On My Mind ,

In My Heart

You Would Wish You Were Dead .

This is just something I wrote one day. Hope you guys like it .......

so young and confused
scared and alone
crying from the pain
when i feel them
their hands all over my body
their bodies on top of mine
my  is beating so fast
im so afraid
nowhere to run and hide
afraid of what they will do to me
if i were to tell.
i ask myself everyday
why did this happen to me ?
blaming myself
for everything they did
they just dont know
what they did to me
the damage they did
not just physically
but mentally, and emotionally
not a day goes by
that it doesnt cross my mind
i have so much anger
so much pain
and its all because of them.
they violated me
to satisfy their need
now everytime i lay down
i can feel them
everytime i close my eyes
i can see them.
im afraid to trust
because i feel that if i do
i will get hurt again.
the pleasure they got
it hurt me so bad
and it will never be forgotten.

Well Here's my story, but it might be hard for me to tell it ..

My very 1st sexual encounter that i can remember was at 4 years old. When i lived with my dad in Ohio. We were over my aunt Jane's house. My cousin {who I don't want to name} called me into his room. He told me to take off my clothes. I didn't know any better, so i did. Then he told me to lay on the floor so i did. Then when he was about to put himself in me, my aunt called his name. Then he told me to put my clothes back on and don't tell anyone because we would get in trouble. But the abuse really began when i was 6 years old. My mother, aunt, and cousin would drop all of us over my uncle David's house every weekend to. That would be my sister, brother, and cousins and me. Sometimes my other aunt  would bring my cousins. None of us liked it over there. I hated it. My reasons for hatig it were these: there was never any food there. The house was infested with bugs and rats. They didn't have locks on their front or back doors. And my uncle was married to a crack addict name Angie, who I have hated with all my heart since I was little. My uncle and Angie had a one name Ronnie. Ronnie was the one who abused me. I was molested by him for 5 years starting at age 6. He had 2 friends, name Dominique and Kevin. And they did it to me too. There were a few other cousins that used to go over there: my cousins Romeo, Dre, an Michael. I never liked Romeo or Dre because they took a small part in my abuse as well. The abuse happened mostly privately, but there were time when they did it publicly, and no one saw them. Like when all of us would play hide and seek. Once when we played outside, and i hid behind the house. Romeo followed me. when we were back there, he pushed me against the house and attempted to rape me. But then a man was walking in the alley and saw us. He said that he was going to tell my uncle on us. I tried to tell the man that it wasn't me, but he didn't believe me. when my uncle called me into the house and i tried to tell him that it was Romeo, but he didn't believe me either. So we got in trouble, and i got in more trouble than Romeo did!! And another time when were playing it inside and i hid in the basement. Dre followed me down there. And there was a bed down there. Dre pshed me on the bed and started to grind against me. I tried to push him off but he just did it harder and harder. Then, then he heard somebody coming downstairs so he got off of me and ran somewhwere to hide. There was one time when me, my siblings, and my cousins were in Ronnie's room watching tv. Ronnie and his friends came in. And then I heard Ronnie say "We're about to get the freak session going." No one knows how much those words scared me. So everytime i was forced to go over there, i cried because i knew what was going to happen. At one point it was so bad for me that i tried committing suicide when i was 9 years old. The abuse lasted for 5 years and then it got worse. When i was 11 was the first time Ronnie and his friends raped me. I was so scared i didn't know what to do. The raping continued or months. Then, just when I thought that the abuse would never end, it did. We all stopped going over my uncle's house. I still don't know why. But i am very happy we did.
I never told anybody in my family about this, because iI really don't trust them. The first time i ever told anybody about it was in 2009 when i was 15. I just couldn't keep it hidden any longer. And only one grown up knows about it. I don't think i will ever tell my family.
I'm not sure, but i believe that i may suffer from PTSD, but im afraid to go to a doctor about it. I'm afraid that if i do that, the doctor will tell my mother, and I don't like to tell her anything.
Well thanks for lettng me share my story with you all. It really helps to be able to get it out there.