It`s strange. Looking back at how things were just a year ago, a year and a half ago..I feel like things must have gotten worse without my noticing. Or maybe it`s the fact that I fucked up my relationships with others so badly that things just turned itself to what it was supposed to be. I`m pretending again, like in high school. As if everything is wonderful when I feel buried under everything. And I wonder, where did my optimism go? What happened to the person I started to become, the free, happy self who felt empowered? I don`t understand. I feel like there`s been some huge unseen setback that maybe I just ignored. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to really mean to laugh, and not just to hide pain. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to feel like you have purpose, that you matter. I still can`t believe that just over a year ago, I was actually able to believe the things that happened weren`t my fault. Now what? How do I get back to that place? Because right now, all I see is an empty heart. Or maybe it was that all along. And I was just able to fool myself to thinking that things could actually get better.