♫...Here I am...This is me...there`s nowhere else on Earth I`d rather be...♫

It`s been a while since I was last on here, or posted anything. I feel like I just let life fly by this past recently. It was like, one moment, there I was. The next I was off doing something else and not even realize finishing the first. I was so sure when I was doing it that it was going to take me forever. I kept just wanting to give up throughout. And then, it was over in an instant.

♫...It`s a new world...It`s a new start...It`s alive with the beating of a young heart...♫

I have officially finished Stage One DBT. I also started Exposure Therapy recently. My first thought was, "Oh, G-d. This is going to be hell. I can`t do this." And then, it stopped. Right there. Normally, I would have just continued on with that thought, convincing myself I couldn`t do it. It wouldn`t work anyways, and I was just wasting my therapist`s time and my money for nothing. Instead, I thought again. "It`s worth a try. Yeah, it`ll be hard. But I`ve already gone through all this other great shit, I should be able to do this. All it is is a memory, after all." And certainly enough, though anxiety provoking as it was, it`s not as much torture as I thought it would be.

♫...Yeah, it`s a new day...in a new land...and it`s waiting for me...♫

The craziest thing about it? Hearing it the first time on a recording, I realized how bad I actually had it. I mean, I never let myself think that before because "it could have been so much worse" and whatever. It was horrifying. I heard that first time on that recording as someone else. I didn`t recognize my own voice. And when I connected my story thinking it was someone else who went through it? I let myself be upset for this person, this ten-year-old version of this girl. I had a realization. Because if that other person who I thought it was, that I didn`t even know, mattered so much to me, why could I not matter to myself like that, at least half as much? I may still not feel like I am very important, but I realize now that I don`t have to be important to be worth something. I matter to others. And accepting that has been one of my greatest challenges so far. But I`m getting there...I`m making it...step by step...a day at a time.

♫...Here I am...♫

I know I should have told my therapist. Every time she asks me why do I not want to take my meds, I respond, "I don`t know, I just don`t." And it doesn`t help. I`m debating whether or not to tell her the reason. She has already kind of guessed, but I told her I don`t remember. Every night I stare at my meds and I don`t want to take them because it makes me sleepy. And every night it plays in my head the nights that I would be at my uncle`s place. And sometimes he would give me soda and he would mix a white powder in it. And when I asked him what it was, he would say it was medicine to make me stronger and it was good for me, just like my vegetables. So I would drink it. well, I would only drink half before I felt sleepy. And then I would wake up the next morning bathed and changed into my clothes for the day, and a bit sore. It was always kind of scary because I couldn`t remember anything between sitting at the table with a glass of Mountain Dew and waking up in the oversized bed. The fact that I`m supposed to take a medicine that makes me sleepy does not go well with me with that memory. I`ve told my therapist so much already. Why do I feel like this is something that she shouldn`t know, then? I know that telling her will only help her understand better. Should I tell her soon or is this something that could wait a while more before I tell her? /:

I feel like I`m distanced from everyone...
I mean, sure. I have great friends...
I have a loving family...even if they`re broken...
I have a house to sleep in...clothes to wear...
So why do I feel so sad and alone?

It`s strange. Looking back at how things were just a year ago, a year and a half ago..I feel like things must have gotten worse without my noticing. Or maybe it`s the fact that I fucked up my relationships with others so badly that things just turned itself to what it was supposed to be. I`m pretending again, like in high school. As if everything is wonderful when I feel buried under everything. And I wonder, where did my optimism go? What happened to the person I started to become, the free, happy self who felt empowered? I don`t understand. I feel like there`s been some huge unseen setback that maybe I just ignored. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to really mean to laugh, and not just to hide pain. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to feel like you have purpose, that you matter. I still can`t believe that just over a year ago, I was actually able to believe the things that happened weren`t my fault. Now what? How do I get back to that place? Because right now, all I see is an empty heart. Or maybe it was that all along. And I was just able to fool myself to thinking that things could actually get better.