So, with support, I've decided to tell my story. In parts, of course. I want to let it all out at once, to scream, but I know that I can't. Not just yet. I know that I can't come to terms with what happened by holding it in, but I`m just not ready yet. I am ready to say, though, that I finally figured out one concept: It wasn't my fault.
It started when I was about 6. I would go to school everyday, and afterschool, I would go to my uncle`s shop. He would give me a snack, send me to his office/bedroom upstairs, and I would do my homework. Then after I was there for an hour, (which is how long it took me to complete my homework, since I got distracted so easily) he would come up and say, "It's play time!" in which he insisted that he was going to teach me "how to be a grown up." So first it started when he would undress me. And if I moved, or if I said, "I don't want to play today," he'd say, "It's fun. And you need to learn how to do this eventually. You want to be a smart girl, right? Don't you want to be smart like Princess Kaguya?" (Princess Kaguya is a Japanese story) I would agree. And he'd call me beautiful, he'd say I was making the right choice. He'd hold me and he would tell me that he was sorry to do it, but sometimes intelligence comes at a painful price. I don't want to go into the graphic details, but I remember telling him that it hurt, and I would ask him to stop. When it first started, he would. But as time went by, he would say, "You need to stop acting like such a child. You have to take care of your parents. You want them to be happy, don't you?" So I would once again comply. At this point, I would work in his shop, and after he was done with me, he would give me money so I could buy stuff. I would get home after and pretend like nothing was happening. My parents never questioned where I used to get so much money from. This was when I was about 8 or 9 years old. At school, I would be teased every day for something or other. One girl, who I highly loathed, would come up everyday and demand for lunch, even though she had one, but more because she knew I had very little. And I would give it to her. The teachers favoured me in class, so I was teased more. But honestly, I didn't have the time to even care about that. I still had really good friends, though I never told them about this life. Anyways, after school, I would go down to the shop, pleasure my uncle, leave, get home, eat, go to sleep.
This cycle continued for many years. What I had, I "earned" by working for him. Sometimes I worked in the shop and sometimes just for him personally. I didn't tell anyone, because when I finally figured out what was going on, I was ashamed. I felt it was my fault. And yet, I knew if I didn't continue, I would get punished. Not just the "intimate" part, but the violent side. And I just dealt with it. One day, I decided I wanted to tell someone, I needed to get it out. That same day, that I thought I would tell, I had an issue with a boy I knew from school. He hurt someone who was close to me, who I wanted to tell. So I couldn't tell her. I decided, I would try talking to my dad. When I brought up to my dad that I had to tell him something about my uncle, then he told me he had to tell me something, too. But I had to keep it a secret, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. So I sat there, and he told me that when I turned 18, I would be his. I was set up for an arranged marriage with him from the time I was born. And suddenly, everything seemed to start falling apart in my life. I pushed it out of my mind, after a little while. To avoid it, I started dating, hoping that if I found someone, then maybe I could say that I was in love with someone else, and that I won't do anymore. I started to lose hope after a while. I couldn't tell them why I didn't want to be held certain ways, why it scared me to be called "intelligent," "smart," "beautiful," etc. I couldn't tell them how I really wasn't that perfect girl they were looking for, I couldn't tell them why they could never come to the shop when I was "working." And every moment that I was with them, I had to be concerned my uncle would find out. He threatened to hurt anyone who would take me away from him.
Then everything that seemed normal in my life, seemed more wrong. I started to realize that those things in my life that I found as normalities were actually not. I've found myself happier than I've been in years. I found that I always have someone. I have learned that I'm not worthless. I've learned that I'm worth it, and that I am not just a toy to be played with. My life has been Hell. And I learned that I deserve better than that. I'm not just a prize to be won, but a decent person. And though I know I've caused so many people pain, it's not my fault. Because I don't mean to hurt people. I just don't know well how to act with others. But I'm laughing more genuinely. I see how I am not the person I was being told to be, the one that I was supposed to conform to. I see how nobody can make me into something I'm not but me. I know that what I have gone through wasn't for nothing. I know that what others see of me, I may not be able to control, but I am not here to please them. I know I am not alone. I know what I deserve. And the pain I felt, I did not deserve, no matter how much I thought I did. And yes, life has been Hell. But I am making my way through, step by step, every day, with a smile on my face no matter how hard.
"Meanwhile, these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13