The freshness of her new scar
Outlined in a blurry red
A faint sign to show
That it`s still new and hurting

People ask "How`d you get that?"
She says "I simply fell"
But we all know the truth
We all know it was you

You claim to be
Innocent
But secretly you
Want to be
The person who`s
Behind the door
Waiting patiently
For her to open up in fear

It`s not fair anymore
To watch her tumble down that hill
Day after day,
One new scar
More blood lost
More tears shed
Do you have any sense of
Kindness in you at all?

Obviously not

She was smiling every day
How dare you take that away

It used to be so common
Now she`s slipping away

Down into the depths of hell
Well well, what have we here
A desperate little boy
Trying to rid of guilt

You want to be
Innocent
Reality says you`re
Malicious
The person who`s
Behind the door
Waiting patiently
Before you get eaten alive

It`s not fair anymore
To make her suffer for pleasure
Day after day,
One new scar
More blood lost
More tears shed
Do you have any sense of
Kindness in you at all?

You`re a monster

She`s waiting
For her apology
She`s crying
Again...

Her eyes, telling a whole story
The story of how you abused her through everything
A porcelain doll she seems to be
A pale marionette, possibly
Her skin runs cold, pale as can be
Her eyes deep and stained red
She`s now adjusted to all the pain
Yet somehow it still stings...

The freshness of her new scar
Outlined in a blurry red
A faint sign to show
That it`s still new and hurting
People ask "How`d you get that?"
She says "I simply fell"
But we all know the truth
We all know it was you
She was smiling every day
How dare you take that away
It used to be so common
Now she`s slipping away
Down into the depths of hell
Well well, what have we here?
A desperate little boy
Trying to rid of guilt

Now look at her
Carefully
Do you see her
Smiling?

You`re a monster...

In this chilly winter snow
She`s a curled in a ball and waiting for you to save her
But you`ve turned tail and ran away,

At least, that`s what I think...

Say goodbye to the one that still cares,
Through thick and thin she would be standing,
It`s amazing that you would just throw her away
The tiny heart attacks that she seems to recieve
Whenever you bother to actually be sweet
Is she just another puppet controlled on strings?

When you went through your time of pain,
Your time of need,
The eating feeling that you weren`t accepted
Wasn`t she one who you used for greed?
If you ever knew respect,
Or maybe courtesy
Maybe you would take that hand and smile and sing
But rather you would like to lay back and smile
While she is falling to her death!

If fantasies and dreams really do come true
Then there`s a lot of stuff with her you`d do,
So many things
I can`t even start to count
The thoughts that run constantly through her head
Is driving her crazy, can`t you see?

Breathing shattered

Heart slowing

I can't feel my hands

My arms

My legs

I can't feel me

If I open my eyes,

I'm afraid I will die

If I offer my hand

Will you take it?

If you take it

I'm afraid you'll kill me

Paranoia comes along

Pulling, pulling

At my strings

You seem to be the one behind this show

Can I recreate your image?

Will you become a voice in my head?

Are you okay with

You becoming a hallucination

Once I become locked into myself,

Paralysis

My mind is my only friend

Imagination now my life

You said you wanted me

Where is that self now?

I cling to your illusion

But your temperature is no longer here

Again, this is kind of an old poem. I think many people here can relate to it.

Fly Away

I feel so alone...
I can't stop these tears
Where has it gone?..
The innocence of my years...

I'm numb.. I can't move my leg..
My chest aching
And it pounds through to my head

I want to die
Since I'm so lonely
I just cry
Repeating "if only if only"

Spewing in the bowl
And crying on the floor
Like a broken little doll
I just can't take it anymore

Fly without me
I know you can
It's too late for me to change
Can you really be happy
If the girl you love is like a can?
Always being kicked around..

Please don't look for me if I disappear
Don't search if I cannot be heard
Because I know I won't be here
Fly away... Precious bird..

I wrote this a while ago, and I found this among a few others that I never posted. Hope you like it.

Behind the Wall

The destruction you have caused
The heart you've shattered
The pain you've inflicted
As if my existence never mattered

The lies you have kept
Like promises that you broke
You're consistent with stupidity
An audible meaning whenever you spoke

When you play around
It tires me
When you laugh
It kills my energy
You drain my soul
And complain
That you have nothing at all.

You had your place
But you stuffed it up
It's not my fault
That I gave up.

I had to learn
All by myself
Instead of growing
I ran and hid.
Instead of laughing
I was crying.
I wanted to die more than I wanted to live.
So then I stopped
And dropped the smile
Blocked myself behind a wall
That I secretly wished would fall...

Because of you
I decided to hate
The very thing called me
Because of you
I'm all alone
Till the bitter end
Without a friend
Through out eternity

Where were you when I needed to be held?
Where were you when all hope was never felt..?
Where were you.
When I stopped caring about myself?
When I stopped all belief
When I was in secret grief
When my heart first broke
When I only spoke through notes?

You were never there
So why should I care?
You never fixed this heart of mine

You never knew
What I had gone through
So there's no space in this broken heart of mine

My tears kept falling
And I was calling
For some one to reach out their hand
But nobody heard
And if they did
They pretended not to understand
So they wouldn't do
What I went through,
Just to be a friend
And so..
With every thing I've done
I was alone in the end.

Standing before you
With tears that never dry
Stands the truth
That grew from it's own demise
With barely a soul
With barely a heart
With nothing to hold
But a broken shard.

And when I grew
I never knew
That life would be so shit.

But I had known
From when I was small
That you never loved me at all.
With your cruel words
That I shouldn't have heard
I grew up
Hiding behind the wall.

So now I hide
Wishing some one outside
Would find me and save me from myself
wishes spurred hope
And hope made dreams
But loneliness grew and swam in the emptiness.

By time you apologize for real
It will be too late
I didn't feel
Anything else but hate.

So when you die
I will not cry
But only praise that you are gone
And with a smile
I'll live my life

As the monster I've become.

Violence in my world?
There`s no such thing.
Hatred in my world?
There`s no such thing.
Only peace and kindness.
But that`s only a dream.
There`s no such thing.

You thought you could hide.
You thought that by saying nothing
I would never figure it out.
I`m not that ignorant.
I had my suspicions,
I was just too dumb to believe it.

When I asked,
You just pushed it away.
Flat out denied it.
You think that I wouldn`t find out?
I`m not that little girl
Hiding with her bear in the closet.
"What's done in the dark.
Will come to the light."

Why didn`t you say it?
Yeah, it hurts.
But it`s worse when you said
There`s nothing going on.
And you expected me
To actually fall for it.
That by saying nothing,
You were protecting me
Then everything would be okay.

You were just looking for yourself.
You never cared to mention
It would one day involve me.
Ignore it all you want.
But I`m still here.
I`ve always been.
Stop trying to fix me.
I was hurt, not broken.
All you`ve done
Was made it so much worse.

I don`t hate you.
I just hate who you`ve become.
Well, look at me now.
The "big girl" you`re so proud of.
Sorry to say, I`m just like you.
Someone you don`t like to be.
I guess what they say is true.
The apple doesn`t fall far from the tree

"She`s smiling on the outside

But she's hurting on the inside

It's getting hard just living anymore

And the shadows she has clung to

The painful things that she has been through

Have left her feeling worthless, Lord.

But you change worthless into precious

Gulty to forgiven

Hungry into satisfied

Empty into full

And all the lies are shattered

And we believe we matter

When you change broken into beautiful

We live with accusations

Sometimes heavy expectations

That tell us we can never measure up

And yet you repeat with mercy

That in your eyes we are worthy

At last we see how much we`re loved

Though we can`t see how we can stand

Before you Lord

And feel valued, priceless, and adored

Because you change worthless into precious

Guilty to forgiven

Hungry into satisfied

Empty into full

And all the lies are shattered

And we believe we matter

When you change broken into beautiful."

~Gwen Smith

My Uncle is not the most kind person out there. He`s not the worst, though either. I often lately have dreams about him, and what he`s done to me. BEFORE I go further, I am going to warn you now: THIS STORY MAY TRIGGER. If you are easily triggered, I do NOT advise reading any further.

There were days when he would allow me to spend time with my friends instead of with him. I liked those days very much. But it was on the condition that I never told what was going on. It was also that I was not to be where he couldn`t watch me. Back then, I would smile and thank him, and he`d send me off to play with the other kids, and he sometimes made snacks for me to share with them.

When this wasn`t going on, he would say that I can`t go play with them because I still owed him for letting me go in the first place. And he`d tell me to go wait in his bedroom. So I would. But one day I decided not to. I instead went and hid in the bathroom. He was not happy with me one bit. So he said that for that, he`d just have to call my parents and let them know I would be late getting back to them. He then after continued to remove my underwear and skirt. (I used to enjoy wearing skirts when I was younger, but it was easy for him to do these things, and I started to hate it, because it meant he could get to pleasuring himself faster..In fact, maybe that`s why I avoid wearing skirts and dresses when I can..) I remember that he always started slow, then sped up. The friction hurt, a lot. And since it was still sore from the day before, it hurt more. I started crying this time. Normally I didn`t cry because I knew it upset him, but I couldn`t help it. And I told him it hurt. He insisted it didn`t hurt that bad, though. But my mistake was insisting more that it did, and I wanted him to stop. He said to me, "Are you sure?" and I said yes. So he stopped, and got up, leaving me for a moment. He came back with a knife in his hand from the kitchen. Me, clueless, doesn`t even notice. He asked one more time, "Are you sure that hurt?" and I said yes. He told me that that wasn`t pain. I don`t know pain and don`t have a reason to be crying as he shoved the knife up. I remember crying more, and I remember the blood all over the place. I remember him holding me after, saying, "I`m sorry...I won`t hurt you like that again.." etc. etc.

I was teased in my school because after that, I was walking strange for a bit. and when someone else saw the blood seeping through, then the teacher went into a conversation about how it`s a natural thing that happens to all girls eventually. Some just start sooner than others. (This was 4th or 5th grade. I don`t even remember anymore.) In ways, I think I`m grateful he did that, though. Because that day, and for the next couple week, he didn`t dare touch me until after it healed. I`m not capable of giving him what he wants. So I win. In the end, as long as I can`t give him what he wants, and I don`t want it, I win. I am still victorious.

So, with support, I've decided to tell my story. In parts, of course. I want to let it all out at once, to scream, but I know that I can't. Not just yet. I know that I can't come to terms with what happened by holding it in, but I`m just not ready yet. I am ready to say, though, that I finally figured out one concept: It wasn't my fault.

It started when I was about 6. I would go to school everyday, and afterschool, I would go to my uncle`s shop. He would give me a snack, send me to his office/bedroom upstairs, and I would do my homework. Then after I was there for an hour, (which is how long it took me to complete my homework, since I got distracted so easily) he would come up and say, "It's play time!" in which he insisted that he was going to teach me "how to be a grown up." So first it started when he would undress me. And if I moved, or if I said, "I don't want to play today," he'd say, "It's fun. And you need to learn how to do this eventually. You want to be a smart girl, right? Don't you want to be smart like Princess Kaguya?" (Princess Kaguya is a Japanese story) I would agree. And he'd call me beautiful, he'd say I was making the right choice. He'd hold me and he would tell me that he was sorry to do it, but sometimes intelligence comes at a painful price. I don't want to go into the graphic details, but I remember telling him that it hurt, and I would ask him to stop. When it first started, he would. But as time went by, he would say, "You need to stop acting like such a child. You have to take care of your parents. You want them to be happy, don't you?" So I would once again comply. At this point, I would work in his shop, and after he was done with me, he would give me money so I could buy stuff. I would get home after and pretend like nothing was happening. My parents never questioned where I used to get so much money from.  This was when I was about 8 or 9 years old. At school, I would be teased every day for something or other. One girl, who I highly loathed, would come up everyday and demand for lunch, even though she had one, but more because she knew I had very little. And I would give it to her. The teachers favoured me in class, so I was teased more. But honestly, I didn't have the time to even care about that. I still had really good friends, though I never told them about this life. Anyways, after school, I would go down to the shop, pleasure my uncle, leave, get home, eat, go to sleep.

This cycle continued for many years. What I had, I "earned" by working for him. Sometimes I worked in the shop and sometimes just for him personally. I didn't tell anyone, because when I finally figured out what was going on, I was ashamed. I felt it was my fault. And yet, I knew if I didn't continue, I would get punished. Not just the "intimate" part, but the violent side. And I just dealt with it. One day, I decided I wanted to tell someone, I needed to get it out. That same day, that I thought I would tell, I had an issue with a boy I knew from school. He hurt someone who was close to me, who I wanted to tell. So I couldn't tell her. I decided, I would try talking to my dad. When I brought up to my dad that I had to tell him something about my uncle, then he told me he had to tell me something, too. But I had to keep it a secret, and I couldn't tell anyone about it. So I sat there, and he told me that when I turned 18, I would be his. I was set up for an arranged marriage with him from the time I was born. And suddenly, everything seemed to start falling apart in my life. I pushed it out of my mind, after a little while. To avoid it, I started dating, hoping that if I found someone, then maybe I could say that I was in love with someone else, and that I won't do anymore. I started to lose hope after a while. I couldn't tell them why I didn't want to be held certain ways, why it scared me to be called "intelligent," "smart," "beautiful," etc. I couldn't tell them how I really wasn't that perfect girl they were looking for, I couldn't tell them why they could never come to the shop when I was "working." And every moment that I was with them, I had to be concerned my uncle would find out. He threatened to hurt anyone who would take me away from him.

Then everything that seemed normal in my life, seemed more wrong. I started to realize that those things in my life that I found as normalities were actually not.  I've found myself happier than I've been in years. I found that I always have someone. I have learned that I'm not worthless. I've learned that I'm worth it, and that I am not just a toy to be played with. My life has been Hell. And I learned that I deserve better than that. I'm not just a prize to be won, but a decent person. And though I know I've caused so many people pain, it's not my fault. Because I don't mean to hurt people. I just don't know well how to act with others. But I'm laughing more genuinely. I see how I am not the person I was being told to be, the one that I was supposed to conform to. I see how nobody can make me into something I'm not but me. I know that what I have gone through wasn't for nothing. I know that what others see of me, I may not  be able to control, but I am not here to please them. I know I am not alone. I know what I deserve. And the pain I felt, I did not deserve, no matter how much I thought I did. And yes, life has been Hell. But I am making my way through, step by step, every day, with a smile on my face no matter how hard.

"Meanwhile, these three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13