I know I should have told my therapist. Every time she asks me why do I not want to take my meds, I respond, "I don`t know, I just don`t." And it doesn`t help. I`m debating whether or not to tell her the reason. She has already kind of guessed, but I told her I don`t remember. Every night I stare at my meds and I don`t want to take them because it makes me sleepy. And every night it plays in my head the nights that I would be at my uncle`s place. And sometimes he would give me soda and he would mix a white powder in it. And when I asked him what it was, he would say it was medicine to make me stronger and it was good for me, just like my vegetables. So I would drink it. well, I would only drink half before I felt sleepy. And then I would wake up the next morning bathed and changed into my clothes for the day, and a bit sore. It was always kind of scary because I couldn`t remember anything between sitting at the table with a glass of Mountain Dew and waking up in the oversized bed. The fact that I`m supposed to take a medicine that makes me sleepy does not go well with me with that memory. I`ve told my therapist so much already. Why do I feel like this is something that she shouldn`t know, then? I know that telling her will only help her understand better. Should I tell her soon or is this something that could wait a while more before I tell her? /:

I feel like I`m distanced from everyone...
I mean, sure. I have great friends...
I have a loving family...even if they`re broken...
I have a house to sleep in...clothes to wear...
So why do I feel so sad and alone?

It`s strange. Looking back at how things were just a year ago, a year and a half ago..I feel like things must have gotten worse without my noticing. Or maybe it`s the fact that I fucked up my relationships with others so badly that things just turned itself to what it was supposed to be. I`m pretending again, like in high school. As if everything is wonderful when I feel buried under everything. And I wonder, where did my optimism go? What happened to the person I started to become, the free, happy self who felt empowered? I don`t understand. I feel like there`s been some huge unseen setback that maybe I just ignored. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to really mean to laugh, and not just to hide pain. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to feel like you have purpose, that you matter. I still can`t believe that just over a year ago, I was actually able to believe the things that happened weren`t my fault. Now what? How do I get back to that place? Because right now, all I see is an empty heart. Or maybe it was that all along. And I was just able to fool myself to thinking that things could actually get better.

This is an old diary entry I found that I wrote over a year ago. I just thought I might share it.

I won`t be impatient. I won`t be greedy. I won`t give up. Because everyone takes things step by step. I`m not the only one in pain.
Not having others understand, not understanding others, both of those are awful. My life is like a blossoming flower. From the start of my youth, I want to have no regrets and treasure it.
[friend], in my heart, there always exists the [friend] that believes in me. I`m sorry for always making you worry.

Why did *he* choose me? Fate. It can`t be put into words. You can`t make people accept it. I want to make a time machine to go back to the past. If it wasn`t for him, maybe I could have succeeded in love. I want to be hugged tightly by someone. I already don`t want to say that I want to go back to that day. I want to accept the me right now, and live on.
Even though I will also be hurt by heartless glances, I also understand that at the same time gentle glances exxist. Even though it`s like this, I still want to be here. Because here, this is the place I exist.

What is wrong with falling down? Because as long as I stand up again, it`ll be just fine. If you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is also today, stretching forever and smiling at me.

People shouldn`t dwell on the past. It`s enough to try your best in all you`re doing now.

For the Ones I love
Close Friend

Thinking of you
Where ever you are
No matter how close
Or how very far

We sit and stare into the sky
Whether it be day or night
Please know that even if they are not on our side
Everything will be alright

From happy moments to petty fights
If we hold on with all our heart
With all our might
Our fates are destined to collide

Even if it`s online
It`s still a precious moment in our life
Because feelings are things we can never hide
Whether it`s a tear or smile
There will no longer be a need to hide
Or let out those lonely sighs
Just lift your head up to the sky
And think of me

And what you shall find
If you just hold on
And take one step at a time
I`ll always be here
If you need my shoulder to have a cry
Even if they are only mere words
That we write
Silently,
They comfort us for a while

And hopefully
One day
We will stare up into the sky
At the same time
Only to smile
A smile
Purely created by happiness

Here`s a song I like, that I thought you all would like. I thought to share it with all of you, let you all know I am here if anyone needs. I`m attatching the video and a link to the video in case the video does not work for you. Please also know if you intend to try to follow the song and lyrics at the same time, it takes getting used to. It`s a REALLY fast song, I`m trying to memorize for a few friends.

紅日 - hung yat - red day

詞:李克勤
chi: lei hak kan
lyrics: hacken lee

命運就算顛沛流離
mingwan jausyun din pui lau lei
even if life is crazy

命運就算曲折離奇
mingwan jausyun kuk jit leikei
and the road is twisted and winding

命運就算恐嚇著你做人沒趣味
mingwan jausyun hunghaak jeuk nei jouyan mut cheuimei
if life terrifies you and you no longer feel like living

別流淚 心酸 更不應捨棄
bit lau leui sam syun gang batying sehei
please don't cry, or feel disheartened, don't give up

我願能 一生永遠陪伴你
ngo yun nang yatsaang wingyun puipun nei
I will be by your side forever

一生之中兜兜轉轉 那會看清楚
yatsaang jijung daudau jyunjyun na wui hon chingcho
with the twists and turns of life, how can one see clearly?

徬徨時我也試過獨坐一角像是沒協助
pongwong si ngo ya si gwo duk jo yat gok jeung si mut hipjo
I have tried to make it on my own without help

在某年 那幼小的我
joi mau nin na yau siu dik ngo
in those years, when I was young

跌倒過幾多幾多落淚在雨夜滂沱
ditdou gwo geido geido lok leui joi yu ye pong to
I fell so many times, with the tears keeping me company through the rainy nights

一生之中彎彎曲曲我也要走過
yatsaang jijung waanwaan kukkuk ngo ya yiu jau gwo
the path of life so twisted and winding, I have walked it

從何時有你有你伴我給我熱烈地拍和
chung hosi yau nei yau nei pun ngo kap ngo yitlit dei paak wo
when did you start to accompany me on this path, giving me encouragement?

像紅日之火 燃點真的我
jeung hung yat ji fo yin dim jan dik ngo
like the red sun, this fire lights up the real me

結伴行 千山也定能踏過
git pun hang chin saan ya ding nang daap gwo
walking together, we can climb a thousand mountains

讓晚風 輕輕吹過
yeung maan fung hinghing cheui gwo
watching the night wind lightly blowing past

伴送著清幽花香像是在祝福你我
pun sung lok ching yau fa heung jeung si joi jukfuk nei ngo
bringing with it the fragrant scent of flowers, as if bestowing its wishes on us

讓晚星 輕輕閃過
yeung maan sing hinghing sim gwo
watching the night stars shooting by

閃出你每個希冀如浪花 快要沾濕我
sim cheut nei mui go heikei yu longfa faai yiu jim sap ngo
revealing your every wish like waves about to fall on me