It`s strange. Looking back at how things were just a year ago, a year and a half ago..I feel like things must have gotten worse without my noticing. Or maybe it`s the fact that I fucked up my relationships with others so badly that things just turned itself to what it was supposed to be. I`m pretending again, like in high school. As if everything is wonderful when I feel buried under everything. And I wonder, where did my optimism go? What happened to the person I started to become, the free, happy self who felt empowered? I don`t understand. I feel like there`s been some huge unseen setback that maybe I just ignored. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to really mean to laugh, and not just to hide pain. I`ve forgotten again, what it`s like to feel like you have purpose, that you matter. I still can`t believe that just over a year ago, I was actually able to believe the things that happened weren`t my fault. Now what? How do I get back to that place? Because right now, all I see is an empty heart. Or maybe it was that all along. And I was just able to fool myself to thinking that things could actually get better.

This is an old diary entry I found that I wrote over a year ago. I just thought I might share it.

I won`t be impatient. I won`t be greedy. I won`t give up. Because everyone takes things step by step. I`m not the only one in pain.
Not having others understand, not understanding others, both of those are awful. My life is like a blossoming flower. From the start of my youth, I want to have no regrets and treasure it.
[friend], in my heart, there always exists the [friend] that believes in me. I`m sorry for always making you worry.

Why did *he* choose me? Fate. It can`t be put into words. You can`t make people accept it. I want to make a time machine to go back to the past. If it wasn`t for him, maybe I could have succeeded in love. I want to be hugged tightly by someone. I already don`t want to say that I want to go back to that day. I want to accept the me right now, and live on.
Even though I will also be hurt by heartless glances, I also understand that at the same time gentle glances exxist. Even though it`s like this, I still want to be here. Because here, this is the place I exist.

What is wrong with falling down? Because as long as I stand up again, it`ll be just fine. If you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is also today, stretching forever and smiling at me.

People shouldn`t dwell on the past. It`s enough to try your best in all you`re doing now.