♫...Here I am...This is me...there`s nowhere else on Earth I`d rather be...♫
It`s been a while since I was last on here, or posted anything. I feel like I just let life fly by this past recently. It was like, one moment, there I was. The next I was off doing something else and not even realize finishing the first. I was so sure when I was doing it that it was going to take me forever. I kept just wanting to give up throughout. And then, it was over in an instant.
♫...It`s a new world...It`s a new start...It`s alive with the beating of a young heart...♫
I have officially finished Stage One DBT. I also started Exposure Therapy recently. My first thought was, "Oh, G-d. This is going to be hell. I can`t do this." And then, it stopped. Right there. Normally, I would have just continued on with that thought, convincing myself I couldn`t do it. It wouldn`t work anyways, and I was just wasting my therapist`s time and my money for nothing. Instead, I thought again. "It`s worth a try. Yeah, it`ll be hard. But I`ve already gone through all this other great shit, I should be able to do this. All it is is a memory, after all." And certainly enough, though anxiety provoking as it was, it`s not as much torture as I thought it would be.
♫...Yeah, it`s a new day...in a new land...and it`s waiting for me...♫
The craziest thing about it? Hearing it the first time on a recording, I realized how bad I actually had it. I mean, I never let myself think that before because "it could have been so much worse" and whatever. It was horrifying. I heard that first time on that recording as someone else. I didn`t recognize my own voice. And when I connected my story thinking it was someone else who went through it? I let myself be upset for this person, this ten-year-old version of this girl. I had a realization. Because if that other person who I thought it was, that I didn`t even know, mattered so much to me, why could I not matter to myself like that, at least half as much? I may still not feel like I am very important, but I realize now that I don`t have to be important to be worth something. I matter to others. And accepting that has been one of my greatest challenges so far. But I`m getting there...I`m making it...step by step...a day at a time.
♫...Here I am...♫