It's weird, I've worked my "new" job for 6 months at the end of February. It's gone pretty good, the odd  hickup here and there but for the most part it's been awesome. I love my job, the people I work with, and my regular customers. I work at a Tim Horton's (canadian coffee chain that is as well known here as Starbucks is in the States really..) and I work night shift )11pm-7am). So on weekends it's a little funky because it means I end up staying up all night and sleeping much of the day.

Problem lately has been this: over night, I'm alone. I'm usually the only one up at my boyfriend's house and so my mind gets a chance to just go a mile a minute. Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing but with Valentine's day coming up, my birthday having just passed (holy crap I'm 21, I'm officially old!!) and the one year anniversary of my friend being kidnapped it's been a tough go the last little while.

Lately I've been thinking about how far I've come since a year ago. A year ago I was with Kurt, I had just left an awesome job working in a factory making $11 and hour, 40 hours a week, 5 days a week, all weekdays. It was awesome. I guess Kurt slowly wormed his way into my head and made me feel like this job wasn't for me. He was unhappy with his job and wasn't really doing anything about it, but was wanting me to be around him to validate him not being at work and the like. As such we were not in good financial spots for my birhtday nor Valentine's day. So for both we did nothing. Hell, he wasn't a big public partier, so despite turning 20 (legal drinking age here is 19) we didn't even go out for my birthday even to the bars for a drink or two. I had more to drink on my birthday with my MOM than my boyfriend.

So a year ago, to put it bluntly my birthday sucked donkey balls. We had gone to a local pub with my mom and step-dad because they were regulars there and the pub was celebrating it's 21st(?) birthday, so we thought, hey it's a good enough reason to go out, free food, free drinks, good crowd, live music etc. But Kurt wasn't into the whole large crowd thing, so he made himself miserable there and silently pressured me into leaving after only being there like an hour.

This year, Addy, (my new boyfriend of 6 months!) was working afternoon shift at his job so he was working 2-10 everyday, and I'm working 11-7. Doesn't leave much option for partying really. So he's been kinda down in the dumps about all that since well he didn't have a chance to get me a present (I could really care less) nor had a chance to take me out anywhere for my birthday. Him being so concerned about making my birthday something that I will enjoy and remember and the fact that he feels like he's letting me down really makes me smile and my heart sing. I hate seeing him beat himself up over silly crap like this, but at the same time, it shows he cares and really wants to do anything and everything in his power to make me happy.

The other thing almost constantly on my mind is what truly broke Kurt and I up. I know deep down he cheated, maybe more than just once, I'll probably never know. I've asked him point blank a few times since he and I broke up, and he always answers that no, he never cheated. I really wish he would just come out with it and say "yes, I cheated, I'm a scumbag and an asshole I'm sorry". I'm not even really looking for the apology at this point anyway. The damage is done, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

 This passed week was the 3 weeks I was supposed to go on a vacation with his family to the Carribean for his parents' 50th birthday celebration. They had been planning it since they turned 49. They decided to go on a cruise around there stopping at like a million different ports and such. I can't help but sit here and be jealous since we just finally finished digging our butts out from under a literally 1.5 foot dumping of snow overnight. It was insane. It has been windy, cold and miserable. Meanwhile they are down there and it's like +30 everyday, sunny, and well they aren't working or anything. I can't help but be a little jealous and maybe  a little resentful. But I keep reminding myself of this: I'm far better off with who I'm with now, and that there will be other vacations and cruises and stuff to go on with Addy, and that I'll probably enjoy them more anyway. He's already talking about taking me somewhere for our 1 year anniversay!!! (squee!!!!)

I guess I just have too much time late at night for my mind to think of everything that's been going on. And this last week has been one of those weeks where there's a lot of things going on, both good and bad. Thanks for letting me rant. I know Addy sometimes gets tired of listening to me go on and on bitching about what seems like everything under the sun....

So as many of you may know I have gotten out of what I thought was an amazing relationship of 3 years. Shortly after that, I got into a new relationship. I know it sounds kind of trampy, but hey, life happens, and it happens in mysterious ways.

He and I have been talking for a while now. Just as friends. I was with my then boyfriend and had no intention of ruining that by cheating on him (oh the irony) and this guy was more than willing to put any feelings he had aside because he knew both myself and my boyfriend and didn't want to be the cause of any unhappiness.

So three days after the massive meltdown and breakup, I'm in this new relationship with this new guy. I'm actually happy. I'm actually me again. I don't even know the last time I was actually happy or felt like the same person. It's strange looking back and seeing all the issues I had with Kurt. Many of them huge red flags that I should have seen as "get the hell out of here!!" but I never did. This new guy is amazing. He knows everything and is more than willing to help me with anything. He gives me space when I need it, but is more than willing to give the best bearhug available if I need that too.

But he's not exactly undamaged himself. A little over a year ago he was in a fairly long term relationship (long distance as well) and she got into an accident. I don't know much details because we are only a year out of all of this and it's still pretty painful for him to talk about. She ended up dying as a result of her injuries. What I do know is that it involved a car. However I don't know if that means she was driving and another car plowed into her, or if maybe she was walking and a car plowed into her. Either way bad enough to be in the hospital. I also don't know the details of what exactly caused her death. It's possible it was something like internal bleeding, but could have been she was on life support but brain damage was bad enough that doctors said she would be in a coma the rest of her life and that at this point it was the machines keeping her alive and that she was realistically already gone.

August 31st is the day of the accident, and she later died on the 3rd of September. What are going to be very difficult days for him. As it turns out yesterday (August 15) would have been her birthday. This is all new territory for me. I'm not used to being the one who helps others heal like this. I'm used to being the broken one looking for all the missing pieces and asking others to help put me back together. Instead I'm trying to help put him back together.

It's all new and scary and I don't always know the best way to handle it. I make sure he knows I'm there for him no matter what, doesn't matter what time it is, or where I am, if he needs me (especially on those 3 really big days) then I will drop everything I'm doing and rush to his side. I know it's what he would want me to do if I needed him for something major like that.

I'm just happy that two broken souls such as us can come together and make eachother feel so happy and whole again and that we are able to help eachother heal and mend and move on. We keep joking that his girlfriend had a hand in this. We have no other explaination as to why we found eachother really. I never found him attractive until a few weeks ago. He was always like one of my brothers and it was like "ummm no, not into that totally nerdy type guy" turns out, I really am. And I couldn't be happier about it to be honest. It's amazing what the right person at just the right time can do for someone. It's totally taken me away from a dark deep pit of despair and depression and brought me back into the light and I'm enjoying my life again.

I feel..... Alive!! 

So I thought I would give more updates on how I've been over the last couple years since I decided to take some time away from here. To put it in basic terms without getting into anything specific since this topic can be a little triggering to some I have an angel watching over me. This could be a little triggering so I don't mind if you don't read on but those who do read on, you have been warned.

For those who don't understand due to how crytic I'm being, I don't just have an angel, I have an angel baby. No, I don't mean stillborn/died after birth, I mean I had a miscarriage. This was while I was still with Kurt. I was on birth control (the pill) and was really good at taking it everyday same time blah blah blah. But we didn't always use condoms the most faithfully (save me the lecture I KNOW).

So this past May/June I found out I was pregnant. As just about anyone who finds out they are pregnant (not planned) I started to freak out. "How will I afford this? I'm not ready. How will I tell him, his parents,  my parents?" Etc. etc. etc. Well I didn't have to worry about that for very long, before I could even get to the doctor's office to get a confirmation urine/blood test and then my first ultrasound I started to lose the baby. 

For any women who have been through this, you know how unpleasant the whole process can be. Lots of pain physically emotionally and mentally. I dealt with it all. If I thought my menstrual cramps from when I was younger were bad, holy crap these were bad. To top this all off I had to tell Kurt a) I was pregnant b) I was losing the baby.

Here's were things got really bad. Instead of being helpful and supportive he did everything short of a happy dance finding out that he wouldn't have a baby in 9 ish months down the road. Yup you read that right, he was HAPPY that I was miscarrying. Meanwhile I'm in extreme amounts of pain physically, got all the emotional garbage from hormones and stuff, and all the mental "Why wasn't I able to carry this baby" and other beating myself up crap. Yup, I picked a real winner. 

So yeah, I guess it's for the best? Our relationship disolved really shortly after all of that into just a whole bunch of unhappy not good that eventual killed the relationship. It isn't fun knowing I could have had a child in 9 months. But I guess it was one of those mercies that we don't understand right away. Had I been able to carry the baby to term, I would have gone most of the pregnancy alone. I would have been a single mother (not that there is anything wrong with that, infact I think single mom's are the strongest people out there!!) but I would not have had the support system I wanted/needed at this time. I have to take it all in while looking at the silver lining to this otherwise really crappy dark cloud. 

I see it as a blessing, I know have my own personal angel up in heaven looking out for me. For his/her mommy. I hope never to go through that process, and that when my time comes to have a child of my own that my angel baby will be there to help me along the way. Until then I know that someone up there is looking out for me.

So I haven't been actively on in the better part of 2 years now I guess. I've been in a relationship that was amazing for the past 3 years now. (July 2009-July 2012) Things had been amazing. He knew everything that had happened and was a huge support and just grounding rock in my life. I came leaps and bounds when it came to my healing journey. Little did I know how wrong I was.

Two weeks ago, just a week after our 3 year anniversary he goes out to coffee with a female friend. Harmless right? Not in the slightest. This girl is known for causing trouble with guys who are in relationships. And has tried to hook up (sleep with) my boyfriend. I knew about this, and well, as you would (hopefully) expect, I was NOT cool with him hanging out with her alone. When the two of us were together and I could "supervise" ok, sure fine whatever. I never wanted to be that girlfriend. The one who is constantly suspicious and doesn't let her guy go hang out with other girls. I wanted to trust him, but I never could with her, specifically I couldn't trust HER. Well he drops me off at home Sunday night (I spend weekends with him including overnights) and I find out later that he went to coffee with this girl. Didn't even bother to tell me and let me know what was going on. Well turns out coffee at the local Tim Horton's turned into "Lets hang out at the local park at 12am". Not so cool with this. Well I guess it got cold/buggy/what-the-hell-ever so hanging out at the park turned into "Lets hang out at my house. My EMPTY house". See his parents own a cottage up North and most weekends during the summer they spend up there. Well they were up for an extended weekend and wouldn't be home till Monday evening. 

So now my boyfriend and this chick are hanging out at his empty house, where there is now accountability. Anything can really happen. Understandably I am a little nervous and stressed about this situation and as in any healthy relationship there is communication. I tried to talk to him about it and have my fears put at ease. I half expected him to kind of laugh and look at me like I had grown a second head and my skin was suddenly vibrant purple with lime green spots or something. Instead he loses his mind. Freaking out on me that "I don't trust him, and he thought after 3 years of dating I would be able to trust him on everything". Well I used to, until you went behind my back you jerk. 

He dumped me. Not "lets talk about this and see if we can salvage this relationship" no wanting to try and work on things. Nope three years just done and over with. Packed up with bags of stuff (literally 3 garbage bags and various other bags that I had over there) of my stuff was packed up. Nearly half my life was over there, we were starting to make plans for me to move in with him by the end of this year and eventually move into our own place. Guess I should be happy this all happened now instead of after I moved in with him right? Always have to find that silver lining and all that stuff. 

I guess I'm just hurt. I know everyone says that "Guys are stupid and that they have too many heads, and that each brain has to fight with the other for blood supply" (I don't assume that about all guys FYI). But in this situation, I guess it could be true. I still don't know if he actually cheated on me. Frankly I don't even want to know. The worry and his freak out is clear enough to me that he felt guilty of something. Maybe not that night, but at some point during our three years together. 

This man.... scratch that, this guy, was someone I trusted, someone I shared some of my most intimate moments with, and some of my deepest darkest thoughts and secrets with and this is what I get paid back with. I'm picking up the pieces of my life and sorting through all the stuff that has been brought back to mother's house. It's a slow process, everything has a memory tied to it so there has been many tears shed in this process. But 2 weeks out and I'm feeling pretty good. I've realized that this relationship wasn't actually all that healthy. There was a lot of controlling going on. Not blatant things or anything that would have ever set off alarm bells for anyone I know, but having gotten out of it, I now see it. I also see how unhappy I actually was, and just all the stuff that he used to do that bugged the crap out of me. 

I'm a free girl now, and I'm looking to my future. My future looks bright now. I'm looking to get into an ECE (early childhood education) program at a local college next September, maybe look into doing a social work degree after that, or go into teaching and teach little kids. I haven't really decided yet. I'm young and have so many options to look to. Just have to take things one step at a time right now. Baby steps. 

Well it's been like 2 years I think since I was last really truly on this site. That's insane to me. I guess maybe I've healed a little more than I thought I had. I've graduated high school at this point (only took 5 flipping years!) going to be 3 years with my boyfriend this summer (has it already been 3 years.. holy sh!t). Time has gone by really fast. Only thing is, it's April again. Which means the anniversary of the attack. Been trying to keep upbeat though. Cuddles with the puppies, and my boyfriend, and just in general not dwelling. I actually got my first tattoo back in January, my mom was NOT happy about it but I'm 20 now (....holy crap I'm 20.. I feel old) so it's my body to with with as I please. Plus I got my nostril piercing and my belly button pierced (both piercings I've wanted for a very long time).

I've begun to open up to more people about what happened to me. I guess that's also part of the healing process and I like it. No more hiding behind this wall, but instead I get to be me. I started playing an online game on my new phone (that I bought, in MY name!!) and made some probably life long friends, all around the world. One guy in particular. His name is Ryan, and sadly just after my birthday he went missing. The police are investigating and have been for nearly 3 months now. We really miss him, and some of us are starting to fear the worst at this point. I'm scared that he might be dead, but I'm trying to keep the hope alive that maybe he will be found alive and be brought back home, that way all his friends can kick his butt for scaring us half to death, and making us worry.

I guess that's all I gotta say other than, HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING!? Anyone from back when I was around more still on this site??

I just don't get it. My mom is uprooting my brother and I. We've lived in our current house for just less than 2 years (moved in, in October 2009, it's now June 2011) and we love it. Sure it's small, but we are only 3 people, I don't spend A LOT of time there, and neither does my brother, so it's the perfect amount of space for us. Plus it's close to our high school (like 10 minutes walk if you walk SLOWLY). It's a really good neighbourhood and it's like 2 minutes from my boyfriend.

Over the Easter weekend she bought this house. Didn't show the house to us, didn't even talk to us about possibly moving. Nothing! We were totally in the dark. All the papers were signed when she decided it was time to tell her children - the people who were moving there to live for the next however many years we live with her. The problem isn't that, although irritating that's not the problem. The problem is the location. The house itself looks a bit like a drug den. There's all sorts of issues with the building itself, but the worst thing is the neighbourhood.

In my city we have a branch of Child Protective Services (CPS) for the entire city, but then we also have a branch just for this neighbourhood!!! YEs you read that correct, one little neighbourhood has a branch of CPS for it only. Literally it only handles calls for this area! Theres a huge problem with domestic violence, neglect/abuse etc not including drug/alcohol issues. Pretty well all the housing in the area is subsidized government housing. Not that there is a problem with government housing or anything! I want to keep that straight, I don't care if you (for whatever reason) are on government assistance and literally can't afford anything else. I get that. And I don't judge based on that, but like this area is literally referred to as the slums of my city. It scares the pee out of me to move out there.

Not to mention my little brother (okay he's 16, but still my little brother) has some really heavy mental problems right now. He has ADD/ADHD, anxiety
(both basic and social) depression and a couple other things I can't remember. Either way, he's extremely impressionable. He's also really mouthy... He called me a bitch and a whore last night because I asked him to do something and he wouldn't do it and I got angry and yelled at him for a moment. He will most likely either get pressured into doing something illegal and get addicted.. Oh didn't mention... He is addicted to online gambling and has been known to steal credit cards to pay for his habit. He's stolen over $7000 from my mother and I in the past roughtly 8 months. So he's also got an addictive personality.

If he doesn't get hooked onto either booze or drugs (or some combo of the above) he'll probably do something really stupid, mouth off to the wrong person, steal from the wrong person etc. And get himself beaten up or killed.

I also have anxiety, nothing bad enough that needs medication (I also try and avoid taking as much medication as possible) but I still get anxiety attacks nearly daily. This new house situation has put me into a constant state of anxiety attacks. I've tried explaining this to my mother but she doesn't seem to understand. Yet here we are, 2 weeks from moving and she's still trying to justify how this is an awesome thing for us and it'll be great fun. My Mother-in-Law is already scared for my safety, she works for CPS by the way and doesn't like this whole situation. I told my dad (because my parents are seperated, and in the process of divorcing) where we were moving and the look on his face confirmed my fears about the neighbourhood even more.

I just don't understand how she could do this to us. The kids she's supposed to take care of and love unconditionally....

WTF

Hey all,

So I realize I haven't been really posting anything lately. Basically it's because nothing remarkable has happened. I seem to have hit a roadblock of sorts in my healing journey. At this stage there is a lot going on with my family right now that I have had to take the burden for. I have however made an effort to atleast lurk on here and see how all my friends are doing.

However I have once and for all come and made the decision. I am taking a break (a vacation if you will) from PWP. Doesn't mean I won't lurk from time to time but I will probably come on once every few months at best. To those who are wonding what is going on with me, I don't feel comfortable talking about it on a message but if you would like to PM me I would be more than willing to explain myself.

But for now, and until further notice I will be MIA. I want to thank everyone who has helped me, and say that you have meant a lot to me and have been a great help in my journey but at this point I need to take some ME time and take care of me. I have learned that I need to put myself first and I haven't been. So for the next little while I will be taking time to relax and just come back to myself, without the worry of having to make sure others are okay, which includes my friends here. Not that it's a burden and I don't enjoy helping you guys and gals, but that I always made you a priority before myself.

I promise I'm okay. I'm not leading you on and going to kill myself or otherwise run away. I am still kicking around and will get the email updates if someone comments on my entries or sends me a message.

I love you guys and wish you all a safe happy and healthy journey to freedom!

I don't know anymore.

two of my best friends just had kids within the last few months. I'm torn. I know I'm only 18, I'm young. I understand that. I also understand that a baby doesn't solve any problems. IT can also ruin a teenaged relationship blah blah blah. And most of all, they're bloody expensive. I understand all that. But seeing all these people having children just kicks my maternal instincts into overdrive. I just recently got out of a pregnancy scare. Well to be more accurate, I just lost my baby. I was maybe 6-8 weeks along would be my guess when I misscarried. I'm not sure what happened and I'm heartbroken.

I am on birthcontrol (the pill) in the hopes of putting off a child, but it doesn't help squash my feelings and drive to have a kid right now. I'm just so conflicted and for nearly no reason. I know a baby is not a good thing right now. I'm graduating highschool this year, I'm out of a job (got laid off) and all this stuff and my boyfriend JUST got a job and all this stuff but I can't help but see all these people around me having kids. Co-workers from old jobs are having kids, people from school are having kids. It just seems like I'm surrounded by women I am close with having children and I'm just left out of the baby party if you will. I guess part of it is the remaining imbalance of hormones left over from the pregnancy I just lost, but I think there's more to it than that. I just wish this feeling would go away.

I learned an old aquantance of mine had an abortion recently. She already had one kid when she was young and screwed up and got pregnant with another. She took the easy way out. I was pissed. Here I am, with millions of women around the world who wouldn't mind  a kid but are misscarrying the child they just conceived. I was pissed. I'm pro-choice, I think it is the mother's choice to do what's best. I know if I had been pregnant and going through with the birth etc. would have possibly killed me and/or the baby anyway I know I'd probably terminate, or if there were other circumstances (ie, pregnant by rape. not that those who have children conceived out of rape are any less of an amazing person for raising this tiny life who was conceived in such violent ways infact i tip my hat to those women.) but she didni't even consider adoption. Juswt made an appointment and *poof* no baby anymore. I don't know, I think i'm just rambling and letting my hormones get the best of me....

Ok, some of you may remember between February and June of this year I was posting lots of poetry and stuff from my creative writing class. Well at one point we had to write an autobiography. I decided that instead of doing the fluff stuff everyone else was doing (family trips, pets, etc.) I was going to do things that were actually like life changing. In there I including my rape and sexual abuse.

My teacher assured us many times throughout the entire semester that none of this work would leave the classroom (not literally but in the sense that he wouldn't show it to anyone else). So I felt free to write about what I wanted. Holy shit was I ever led astray. I found out in one of the huge fights my mother and I over the summer that he had shown her nearly all my poetry and my entire autobiography.

For those you haven't read my poetry, go and do, but it isn't for the feint of heart. Some of it is very gruesome and descriptive. I'm not going to lie, I was in a VERY dark place. Like suicidal levels of dark. But I wasn't crying out for help. Being creative is my way of dealing with things. I dance, I draw, I write. It's how I vent. I'm not the best person when it comes to talking face to face. Infact I hate talking to people because I never seem to be able to get my meaning across because I lose the words I'm looking for. But with a creative medium I'm able to search for what I"m looking for till I find it.

So she saw all these poems. About how I felt unneeded/hated at my house, under appreciated, like I was Cinderella. All these things. My mother basically in this fight threw that at me and caught me off guard. My trust in a TEACHER was shattered. I used to love this teacher. I thought him one of the most awesome teachers in the English department at my high school. He was one of the oldest and was like the grandpa of the school. Most students were extrememly comfortable going and talking to him about problems more so than any of the CYC's or social workers we have in the guidance department.

Couple weeks ago my mom and I were talking. We're on pretty good terms now. I wouldn't say back to where we were but pretty close now. She told me again that she'd seen a lot of the work I'd done in my creative writing class, and that she wanted to know what some of them were about, if it was just me being creative (since it was a creative writing class....) or if I was actually writing something as a cry for help. Since it wasn't actually a cry for help I told her that it was because it was because it was a creative writing class. Not a total lie, it was a venting place for me and it helped.

At some point she ended up onthe topic of my autobiography. She told me that my memories weren't correct and she wants to talk to me about what I remember and what was the truth. I'm sorry, were you there when it all went down mom?! NO I didn't f****** think so! Besides what does it matter to you mom. Yes, he sexually assaulted/molested me. BUt you have no idea what else happened. I never told you what else happened. Why would it matter to you if I thought of it as a rape anyway mom. It's still taken over my life basically. Whether it was technically rape or not doesn't matter, I feel I was mentally/emotionally raped, and that my childhood was also raped. That's not even including the actual fact that I was raped. At 9 years old, I didn't know what it was called, and I saw how upset you were when you found out he was "touching" your baby girl. IT would have crushed me more than it already had to have told you the full extent of what happened. So I never told you. I'm sorry I never did, but at this point I don't think I ever will tell you exactly what happened because you have your nice little reality and don't seem to want to accept I might have my own reality.

I just don't get it!! You were kicked out of your house for being gay, we took you in. Things got better so you moved back home. A year later you were kicked out again (or left w/e) because it was getting abusive, we had moved to a smaller house but we still let you live with us. It destroyed my relationship with my mother and brother. It lead my brother down the road I never wanted him to go down, the road of suicidal level depression and cutting. I've watched him slowly sink into that hole that never seems to end. I was seriously scared for him. And still am.

The relationship with my mother went from nearly indestructible to literally nothing. We couldn't be in the same room without the air being so thick with tension you could literally cut it with a knife. But we all put up with it because you needed a place to stay, because it was that, live at home (and be abused) or live on the streets. Our house was the best option yet it practically destroyed what life I had built up around me.

I went into one of the deepest darkest depressions I've been in, in a long time. I think the only reason why I didn't a) run away from home b) kill myself is because of my boyfriend and his family. I had no mother (but was forced to live there) my possition as her eldest child was basically torn away from me by my best friend, and I didn't have much of a relationship with my father at this time. I felt totally alone. And it was my fault, because I allowed you to shove your way into this world I had created.

Then you come out with the story about how you were abused. Your dad was everything from physically abusive including neglectful, emotionally abusive, but somehow wasn't sexually abusive? It doesn't add up. If someone is going to abuse that much, why wouldn't they complete the trifecta. I've never heard of this. Plus your dad was always around our house spending time with you. You had the best time when he was around. For Christmas and your birthday things like that you'd get gifts from him and it seemed to be the best gifts you'd ever get were from him. It didn't make sense. Plus you were the happiest person on the planet. Not at all bitter or angry at the fact that you had "such a terrible childhood". You even compared yours to mine! You fucking prick! You weren't raped, let alone raped by your oldest brother. How dare you say you're childhood was worse than mine. I don't think your's is worth peanuts when compared to the shit I deal with everyday.

My mother went out of her way to provide you with what your mother had neglected to give you and wouldn't give you. She reserved an entire section of a busy downtown bar in the city for your 19th b-day. Didn't invite me. But whatever. If you ever needed anything and didn't have the money you'd come to my mom and she'd get it for you as soon as possible. If I asked her, I'd get a roll of the eyes, and a "you have a job, why can't you get it yourself?!"

We helped you pack and move 8+ hours north to get you to your "awesome amazing university where you could start a new life". Did I ever get a thankyou? No. I'm hurt. I opened my life to you, thought I could trust you. You lived in my fucking house for a year you dill-hole. Anytime you come back to town I don't even get a hello. Not on a facebook message/wall post, or a text message, not even a fucking email. What kind of appreciation is that shit?! You know what:

FUCK

YOU!

You slimy son-of-a-bitch. I'm tired of your bullshit. Next time "mommy abused me" I'm going to say "ya, ok what do you want me to do about it? You're a big boy stand up to her!" and walk away because I'm done with you. I bent over backwards for you like a million times and I am now totally blown off for your new university friends. Oh, I forgot to mention, I saved your ass from all the homophobic threats on your life by reporting them to the principal. I risked my ass to save yours. And again I got no thank you for that either.....

So here's my final goodbye...

Fuck you you alcoholic homosexual asshole. I never want to see or hear from you ever again. I can't fucking stand you. I'm so done with you.

So after giving it a lot of thought I know what my first tattoo is goingn to be. Before anyone says anything, it's something that means something to me. The only problem is I need help.

Everyone knows of the pink breast cancer awareness ribbons? Basically everything has one now (to my knowledge) and I wanted to know what colour rape and sexual abuse awareness had, I've googled it (is that even a verb....?) and I found this light blue, almost turqoiuse coloured one. But at the same time I found a bunch of other colours and I was very confused by it all... So is it the light blue? I don't want to get this tattoo and find out it's like bright yellow or something...

Underneath this tattoo I'm getting a stylized "1999" to signify the year it happened. I may (if the artist agrees and thinks it would look good..) make the  numbers look like they are out of barbed wire or something. Under that it will say

"Never give up, never back down"

It's a motto I've lived by the past few years. IT's to say that we need to be strong and stand up to the person/people that did this to us. By giving up we let them win yet again. They had already taken something from us, by raping/sexually abusing us, but by giving up to the saddness and unhappyness it causes we let them win yet again. Now all I need is to figure out what colour the ribbon is, and get the appointment and money together... This could be awesome!!

Oh, thought I'd say where it's going... Back of my neck. I've got fairly long hair, so if I wanted to hide it, I could very easily, even if my hair is up.

So back to my last message on here...

I'm almost 100% positive I'm pregnant. I know last time I said the same thing and it was a false alarm. But the thing is since we found out (a year ago) that I have ovarian cysts, my doctor told me to try and keep track of my periods and to figure out when I'm ovulating, most fertile etc. Just so I knew when I had to start preparing for the pain my cycle brings each month. Well about a month ago I'd lost track of my cycle and apparently got a little careless with my boyfriend. When I went back and calculated everything, we had had  sex when I was REALLY fertile. We're 18 and 20 we aren't the best at always remembering condoms right away. This was the case.

Now I'm near constantly tired, bordering on exhausted and no amount of sleep helps. Yesterday i got over 12 hours of continual sleep over night but had to lay down for another 2 hours for a nap part way through the day. My lower back has been bugging me, nothing overly bad but bad enough it's getting irritating. Same with my stomach. It's nothing overly bad, I can still function through day to day, and it seems like it gets better when I lay down. It's in my upper abdomen (if that's relivant) sort of just below my rib cage. Again it just feels like I've eaten too much over dinner and am bloated but nothing I can't handle. I haven't even needed to take anything like advil to help with the cramping.

My period was "supposed" to start on the 10th of this month, but its already come and gone. Normally I get fairly violent periods, when it basically puts me in bed the first day, with severe nausea, cramps etc. And is just a bloody painful mess of terrible that lasts between 6 and 10 days on average. Yet this tip-toed in, without a single cramp or anything... infact I would have gone to work on Friday (nearly a week early for my period) without knowing it had started. I could basically go an entire day without needing to change anything and it was gone by Sunday night/Monday morning. Again tip-toed away as quietly as it had started when normally this thing steam rolls over me and leaves me wondering what the hell just hit me.

Ontop of all over this I am starting to look rather bloated and round. My boyfriend hasn't noticed anything other than me being really sensitive emotionally and my back/stomach bothering me. Me taking naps often when I'm spending time with him isn't out of the ordinary. Having school and work, and a shitty home situation doesn't make for the best nights sleep. So I often take a nap. I just feel all around strange. I don't feel like myself right now. I'm excited for the possibility  of being pregnant. At this point I can't live at my mother's house (lord only knows the things she'll say about me if this is true and I tell her) plus there isn't the room or anything for me to have a baby there. Same goes for my father's house, there just isnt' enough room, plus one of my step-brothers lives there and has some mental issues and I'd rather not expose my child to that in the off chance something terrible happened. So that leaves me with my boyfriend's house. It could work... if we needed to as a last resort. But his room is across the hall from his parent's room. As much as we would have the space for a crib and a change table etc in his room, I just don't think his parents would appreciate the "constant" noise from a baby when they need to be getting to work in the morning.

As far as I can tell moving out into our own apartment wouldn't be an option, I'm barely working (one shift a week if I"m lucky... I've had the last 3 out of 4 weeks without a shift) and my boyfriend doesn't work. The fact that we'll have to buy the stuff for this baby is bad enough, not to mention the fact that we'd have to pay rent and buy groceries etc.

At this point it's not looking good.. while sort of looking good.

My mother will disown me most likely, but meh, I disowned her months ago.

Well I'm back at THIS crossroads again. How I could be so stupid to let it happen for a second time... I don't know. Nothing is confirmed yet, but we'll see, I'm almost 100% positive though because of how I'm feeling.... I haven't told anyone yet... It scares the hell out of me. I don't have my mother anymore she has basically abandoned me. My dad lives on the other side of town, and Kurt's parents are at the cottage for another full week. It's too early to actually be able to tell anything but I'm getting worried. I can't let people down again, I still have school to attend in September. I'm so screwed it's not even funny, and it's all because I didn't remember to tell him before we started....

.........I think I'm pregnant for real this time..........

I've been thinking long and hard about this. I still don't know though.

After taking a friend into my family house nearly a year ago because his parents weren't supportive of him coming out and saying he was gay, and they were becoming abusive, he started motivational speaking. He claims to have been abused from an early age (as early as he remembers.. he also muses it may have happened basically since he was born). He claims to have been abducted by his birth father (divorced family with a step-father). He was emotionally and physically abused by said man. Apparently was locked in a bath room for an entire night, no food, and another time was strapped down to a bed all night/day with no food, water, chance for bathroom etc. Among other things. This guy is now 19. I have my doubts about his story. I just know from my experiences with my rape, sexual abuse, and just life experiences with what has happened to me, I'm a really bitter and cynical person. I'm not really that easy to get along with and I don't try to make it easy to get around the wall(s) I've put up around me. Yet this kid is as happy as a 6 year old with a $100 budget at the worlds largest and best candy store. It just doesn't add up to me.

He seems too good to be true. He's always been a kid trying to be in the spot light in life. The back of my mind says he's doing this for more attention. I know there are some people who do that. I wouldn't put it past him to do that. It worries me that he is making his life seem so much worse than it actually is and parading it around to make money. But what ever. I don't buy into it. I have no proof that what he says is a complete fabrication but I have my doubts about it based on the kind of person he is now.

Now I come to the "real" reason why I decided to write this.

Having him practice and bounce ideas off me got me thinking. I have a pretty "awesome" story. One of tragedy and stuggle and overcoming it. I've battled with my rape and sexual abuse. Coming to terms with what happened to me. Making bad choices with my body. I battled anorexia for a bit, I cut, I was suicidal, all with my family basically abandoning me. But finding the family I'd lost in my boyfriend's family.

I just worry the world isn't ready for something so shocking. Right now school is out so I can't talk to the CYC at my school for his take on this. Hell he doens't even know what happened to me yet and I've been talking to him since my friend moved in.  It just worries me that people won't respond to it the way I'd like them to. Plus I don't know if I'M really ready to do it.

I've written some things down as ideas. I thought if I did this I'd start out "light" and ask general questions. For the people in the audience that this question applied to, I'd ask to stand up, or raise their hand or something. Easy questions, do you have siblings, older, younger. Any pets, divorced family. Etc. Etc. Things that in a way relate to my story. Then getting into slightly more uncomfortable topics, feeling not good enough, having your heart broken, done something you regret. Then my last question would be something about remembering something about being nine years old.

For those who haven't read my story, I was raped 2 months after my ninth birthday. I remember nothing about that year of my life, except that I was raped and sexually abused for a few months after. What I would likely do is ask that question and since it doesn't apply to me I would sit down on the stage. This would probably confuse most people, which is the angle I would be going for because then I can get right into my story of my struggles.

At the same time I don't want to make this thing all about me. I want to turn it into a talk about being accepting. That we all have had problems in our lives. some worse than others, but when a friend says they need to tell you something that you should listen. That you should be supportive and try and help someone. If someone looks like they are having a bad day, tell them they look good, or give them a hug or something because that tiny gesture could just save someone's life.

Because that's what happened to me. In grade 10 I made a bad decision that was covered in another message entry, where I had sex with what I thought was my friends EX-boyfriend and the next time I saw this girl she started whipping pennies at me hard enough they left welts for a few days. I nearly left the school and was thinking of ways that I could kill myself the quickest. A girl I KNEW of very vaguely saw how upset I was and came to my rescue. She ran after me and practically tackled me at the top of the stairs to give me a hug and dragged me back down to hang out with them. I want to show the world that terrible things do happen, that we need to open our eyes, allow people to talk about what has happened to them and not feel ashamed or scared. That's why we lose so many beautiful people every year to suicide. Something terrible happens to them, or is said to/about them, and no one takes the time to talk anymore. People say I'm busy and can you wait a minute. But maybe in a minute that person won't be on this planet any longer.

I'm just scared, I think over the next couple days I'll be typing up what I want to talk about in my motivational speaking and post it on here in pieces and see what you guys think. I may also be using things that I've already posted on here. We'll see....

So at school we were given this speech about internet safety. How to avoid being hacked etc. But the big thing was how to avoid internet predators (pedophiles, rapists etc.) This girl "Ally" (name changed because she's in the witness protection program) was the victim of a man who would pose as a peer (school friend) and would work his way into hacking her account (think msn). He blackmailed her into going on webcam and "performing" nude. If she didn't comply after the first time (he would take pictures/videos of these girls AND boys the first time) he said he'd send the pictures/videos to siblings, friends, parents, boy/girl friends etc. Thus forcing them to go and perform for this twisted person. She actually was forced to go meet this guy. The kicker here is she knew the guy!! Her grandmother lived around the corner from this guy. But for 18 minutes and 40 seconds (she counted) she layed there as she was sexually assaulted (probably raped as well, but she never elaborated to that extent because that wasn't what she was talking about).

At the end she asked any of us who had comments/questions but weren't comfortable to ask in the group (we had a whole school assembly kind of thing) to come up to her or one of the two police officers that were with her and ask her anything. She said she was an open book because she already knows all her "private" stuff isn't private anymore, whether by her choice or not.

I went up to her and wanted to tell her that she is so brave and an amazing person, because I know personally I wouldn't be able to go up infront of people and basically say I was a total moron and managed to become prey to some twisted pervert and then meet up with him IN PERSON! I told her that and said she was an inspiration that I was a rape SURVIVOR. Not a VICTIM. That was her main point. She doens't want pity and she doesn't want sympathy. She wants people to understand how painful the experience was for her and the rest of the people who have gone through this and that we can manage to stop people from doing these kinds of things to eachother if we just smarten up. At this point of saying I was a rape victim and a very brief idea of what happened (I was nine, I'm not 18, it was my step-brother and I never got justice) she gave me a huge hug and said that one thing you just said was the strongest and hardest statement to ever make. She said that even though it's something terrible to go through (since she's been through it somewhat) that I'm obviously not letting HIM win. I was standing there talking to her and that I hadn't let him take over my life. I told her about this site and just how much I loved it and how much it has helped me. That without everyone on PWP I doubt I'd be writing this. Getting over rape is not an easy thing. And the problem is, this isn't like a scraped knee that it just heals and maybe leaves a faint scar. No this is always going to be a raw and open wound. One that any little bump can cause cataclismic events to roll and the "bleeding" to start again. I wished I could have gotten some contact information from this amazing young woman, but since she is under the witness protection program I can't get anything out of her. I would have loved to know if she was on here already or if she does sign up here but sadly I'll never know.

She gave me countless hugs and said how strong and beautiful and that I can be an amazing person if I just let myself go and try. That I don't need to hold back and that I can do whatever I want to do with my life, I just have to be ready to try. She kept saying that everytime she gets up infront of students that she has to relive every moment of what happened to her, and I told her that I believed her. That there are days where I don't want to get out of bed, just because the night before someone looked at me the wrong way or said something I took the wrong way. And that everyday is a struggle for me because just a sound or a smell can trigger all sorts of feelings and memories. A lot of which aren't good. I told her that one day I want to start motivational speaking for what I went through. How I've come out on top and everything to try and empower the next generation. I said that right now I don't have the courage to because I don't think the world is ready to hear about a person who has been raped. But I could be wrong. She told me, the world is never ready for anything. Every new and horrific thing that happens is like a wet open handed slap to the face. But that sometimes we need to be aware of the world around us and we need that slap to open our eyes and see the forest for the trees.

Final one, it was a humorous essay (agian informal) abut fashion.. I had a lot of fun writing it.. enjoy...

Fashion. I don’t get it! Ok men, big baggy shirt, large baggy pants that hang off your butt, a belt (don’t worry it’s loose enough it won’t keep your pants up it’s just for show), large flashy shoes and flashy boxers. Yummy!! I want to jump that right away... NOT! Women, tight tight tight tight pants. Infact, forget how to breathe or even try thinking about food. Just thinking will cause that button on the jeans to pop. An even tighter t-shirt or tank top (although the tank top is preferred). Did I mention everything much be low cut? Yes, everything. Pants need to at the highest rest 2 inches below your hip bones, and the shirt must show off as much boobs as possible. A push-up bra is a must! In the summer, shorts, but again TIGHT, and they need to be short. If I can’t see a good inch of butt cheek, it’s not short enough!

Okay, that’s not a pretty picture at all... Infact I think I just threw up a little in my mouth writing that. The idea of everywhere I go being assaulted by butt cheeks and cleavage is not something I want when I’m going shopping for some pants. Plus it’s not realistic. I’m skinny and I can’t even wear those skinny jeans if I tried. They just aren’t comfortable! I know, I know, it’s sexy, therefore attractive. I get that. But can’t we ladies look good even wearing something baggy? Oh wait, we do, those are called track pants. We wear those on a normal day... Not for warm ups at the gym. But if we wear those we need to wear a thong because that’s the only way we can make our butts look good in baggy pants. Oh dear what is the world coming to?

Guys, you look like idiots. That’s nice you’re wearing Corona boxers. But unless you are my boyfriend and we’re in bed, I don’t really care or want to see that. Like the song "Pants on the Ground" by Larry Platt says "With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways, pants hit the ground. Call yourself a cool cat,". You look stupid. Hats turned sideways, what’s the point in the hat? And those stupid "grillz" NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND YOU! There’s too much metal in your mouth to make any real words! Why even bother with them.. They make a nice paper weight though I guess.. That is if you like a set of gold and jewel encrusted teeth sitting on your math homework.

What is the world coming to? We now wear leggings as pants! I can see every wrinkle, fold, and dimple in your legs and butt. Again not a sight I want to see. You want to wear a mini skirt in the middle of the winter but your "cooch" is too cold with the wind, put on leggings on. Okay, that’s kind of acceptable. That way I don’t have to see your butt anymore. But as pants on their own? I don’t want to know what lies between your legs. Those things are so tight no self-respecting woman who likes her privacy would wear those! They make sense if they are under something but as your pants du jour they don’t make sense. They’re skin tight and show of everything. And I mean everything! You have a mole on your left butt cheek... Yup, I can see that! Some scar from some random sports accident on your thigh. I can see that as well. No one wants to see that much detail of someone’s body that they don’t take to bed with them. It’s just wrong. A guy could get punched because it’s like they’re undressing someone else’s girlfriend. Well I’m sorry, you kind of left an open invitation when you put those nearly see through (they’re so tight across her legs) and tight "pants" it’s hard not to.

Fashion changes, I get that. But what happened to decency? To only showing your body to the person who you intend to have sex with? Fashion changes every few years, but where has fashion gone these days? Can we change fashion before it’s too late and our entire world is basically a nudist colony, or we go back to wearing loin-clothes?

Ok this is the parody, it's basically poking fun.. I chose to write about awareness groups (see my previous entry about something called TWLOHA)

Hey world! We’re back, and we’re not your parent’s awareness groups, no we’re a whole new breed of group. We get on Facebook and Twitter now. There’s no escaping us!!

We even have a new strategy; get so many followers, all who are extremely passionate about the cause, but allow nay-sayers to post their feelings about the group as well. Let the flame war begin. Our platform is even vaguer than ever. This is to allow people to post on the wall and ask what the campaign is about and get yelled at for not understanding.

All in all it’s a terrible idea but it’ll work! All the teens will get sucked in and think it’s great, tell their friends and we’ll have even more support! Frankly we don’t even know what we’re raising awareness for. Something vague that is hard to stop no matter how hard you try. Plus it should be something that a lot of people support, yet a lot of people like to do and don’t really want to stop doing. This way we can have tons of flights breaking out!

This is an awesome idea! No way this can fail. All the people participation are awesome!! You guys can change the world if you just try! All those not participating, the participants will make you participate and enjoy it. There’s no use in trying to resist.

Oh, I know what we can create awareness for: human stupidity! Many people take part and won’t want to stop, at the same time those who have to deal with it want it to end. By definition, this will create many fights on the wall posts and it’s vague and hard to stop, all the things we want this to end up being.

We can even have some stupid thing to do for this awareness project: write " DUR!!" on your forehead... in sharpie marker!! Everyone will do it. It’ll be great. People will ask why they have that written on their forehead and the participants can tell them it’s because they are raising awareness about human stupidity and how it can be stopped. When people say it’s impossible to do, the participants can give them crack-pot ideas on how we can change the way people are and stop them from being stupid. Plus it’ll get more and more people aware of the cause and want to do something! Because everyone wants to try and stop things that aren’t a good thing right?

So everyone in the world, come out and participate, because if you don’t participate we’ll find you. When we find you, we’ll brainwash you to our ideals and make you want to participate and you’ll have so much fun. Maybe you’ll even get a tattoo to commemorate the time you spent with our "organization". So come out on no day, at no time, for a while lot of nothing, because that’s what our organization will do: absolutely nothing!

Ok this is a serious (but informal) essay I wrote in my writer's craft course. It's about the effects of divorce on teens. Enjoy

Divorce. The dictionary says it’s "a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole, or in part, esp. one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligations". These divorces can be simple and fairly painless for all involved. At the same time, it can be the Third World War. Any divorce has many sides, the husband, the wife, the in-laws (on both sides remember) and any children. The younger the child the "easier" it is. By easier I mean how much it affects them in the end. The earlier It happens the less a child knows or remember of their parents (biological that is) of being together. But what happens when a divorce happens when the children are in their early teens? The most volatile and unstable part of a child’s life as it is.

As a teen myself I know the problems teens face on a daily level. To add a divorce into the mix makes things just that much more impossible. Teens face a constant onslaught everyday. To look perfect and the act perfect. If you don’t fit what ever that day’s ideal is then you are labeled weird and are not able to be popular. Girls must be thin and blonde and be willing to "put out". While males need to be tall, dark, and handsome with a decent amount of muscle. No one is allowed any fat on their bodies. If we don’t fit these ideals then we are shunned from the rest of the teen populous. That’s hard enough to deal with. But what happens when a teen faces the fact their parents no longer love each other?

Teen’s have relationships as well, whether these be in a homosexual (male with male, or female with female) or heterosexual nature. Some last for years, while others last a few weeks or months. We always want to please these people, but when we see our parents and their love has died we start thinking what is the chance that our teenaged "love affair" will last? It creates insecurities. Watching my own parents going through their divorce for years now has no been easy. I started dating my current partner not long after my parents legally separated. It was the concrete showing of their love and marriage being broken. Internally I started to wonder if myself and my boyfriend had even the slightest chance in Hell of getting past the "honeymoon period" (6 months of dating). Thankfully we have and are stronger than ever.

My mother-in-law who has seen her share of children affected by divorce, and has her share of experience has said the most mind-blowing thing ever one day over dinner and a talk with how my relationship with my parents has been lately. She said it’s tough on a child. A child is the coming together of two people (who presumably love each other) to make something beautiful. A child. But when a divorce happens the child goes and lives at one parent’s house and visits with the other. Most often we will hear hurtful and spiteful things one parent says about the other. One parent will almost always reject the other. But think about that for one second. This child is half his or her mother, and half their father. When the mother rejects the father, it’s like the mother is rejecting half their child. Because in reality without the father this child wouldn’t be standing here hearing what their mother has to say.

Teens naturally have a hard time with parents. Teens aren’t old enough legally to have adult responsibilities but they want them because we’re just so close to being an adult we can taste it. Teens and parents don’t get along for years, until the teen is usually in university/college usually. Go back to a divorcing family. This teen no longer has something normal and a routine. They are being bounced around between two houses, usually two new houses. Then there’s the step parents. Step parents are weird. They want to be accepted and feel the love you have for your parents and will do next to anything to get it. But at the same time it’s tough for a teen to see their parents, who they’ve watched growing up as a loving pair, move on and date someone new. It’s weird. I now have a step mother, and a step father. I also have gained in-laws. This divorce despite everything it’s done to my relationship with my parents has strengthened my relationship with my boyfriend and his family. They have become my family with no strings attached.

Divorce is a tough time for all. It shouldn’t be something taken lightly because it’s not something that can be taken lightly. Divorce is a complicated process where everyone in the family should be involved, and where everything should be explained.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fucking morons!!!!!

!$#^%)!(&$^!$%&!$#%)&!@&%!)$^&! #$|%&!)#$(^! !#$%&!#$)^&  !#$)^(&!#$% !#$%&)(^& )(**^$$ !$%$!@$&^$%!

Now that I have that out of my system...........

Ok so many of you one here are/were self-harmers (is that even a word....?) As such you probably know of TWLOHA (or: to write love on her arm). For those who don't know what TWLOHA is, it's a day (or many days during the year) in which people all over the globe write the word Love (in any language or colour) on their arm. This is usually put around the wrist area (most common place to cut). I don't know if it's just me, but I find that is more triggering than anything. I might just be overly sensitive I'm not really sure. But anyways.

When I see someone with the word Love on their wrist I look down at mine, and I see scars. Not just a couple scars, I mean like a large number of scars. So much so that for around 2 inches from the bottom of my hand upwards towards my elbow all I can see are these skinny faint white lines that are scars from when I've put a blade to my skin and dragged it accross, splitting skin and allowing blood to flow.

Another thing. I don't know about anyone else, but I tend to associate love with Pain and suffering. The person who raped me was someone I trusted and kind of sort of loved (step brother). But he betrayed that love and trust and hurt me in one of the worst ways possible. How can I look at the word love and not think of what has happened to me? This is why this event kills me inside. I nearly died because of this event one year. I was so upset and distracted (and dissassociated bad enough) that when I crossed a busy street coming home from school at the end of the day, I nearly got run over by a car or two. I should have died. That triggered something inside me. Like a little bomb. That I'd become numb again. Guess what happens to people who used to be self-harmers who realize they have become numb...? THEY START CUTTING AGAIN!!!!! Arg!!!

These people don't seem to get what I"m trying to say. It's not like I'm trying to say not to do any kind of awareness campaign about self-harm and teen suicide. Hell no. I nearly lost a friend to suicide. We were damned lucky she survived and I"m happy she's around today. But I nearly lost a friend because of this event as well. She was so upset by this event that she went home with the plan to kill herself. She didn't want to deal with the issues that she had bottled up inside (thusly needing the release of cutting) and it was just going to be easier to kill herself. We were lucky again that her plan didn't succeed. It just annoys me how ignorant people have become. Of other's feelings and beliefs and all sorts of things.

I want to stop cutting but every time this event comes around I feel the need to cut even more. I was cut free for years.... And now it's hard to go a couple days without feeling a blade against my skin.... It's tearing apart everything that I have in my life. It's starting to scare me.

Did I mention one year during TWLOHA day, I decided to participate. But I did it in the way I knew best.... Yup I cut the word love into my arm. Had it all over my arm. I personally thought it was beautiful. The looks of disgust and the lectures I got from people participating just drove me up the wall. I wanted to punch so many people because apparently "I need saving" and what I'm doing is not healthy and is bad for me.... Ok so you want me to bottle up my fucking emotions and get so pissed off that I go to some bank somewhere with a bomb or come to school one day with a fucking gun and shoot the place up...? Ok I'll go ahead and do it if you want me to!!!

It's been nine years to the day.

I remember like it was yesterday.

The feel of your eyes in the back of my skull as you slunk and stalked and preyed upon me.

Took my body for your own not thinking about me

using and abusing.

Cutting and tearing.

Did you ever once think what you were doing to me?

The pain and suffering you would cause.

How nearly 10 years from now I'd barely be able to feel the touch of another man.

Yet you can continue your life like nothing has happened.

While I live in constant fear and pain.

Wondering,

What will happen to me tomorrow.

I thought I was over this, yet even now waking up in the morning is hard.

Near impossible to face the day,

Put on that mask and slink away.

That is what my life has become.

Just a lie, a facade

What it used to be cannot be regained.

All the time lost cannot be found.

My life has been shattered,

into a million tiny pieces.

Scattered around everywhere

With no way to figure out which way to go next.

It's hard to imagine just how hard this has become.

When your life no longer has meaning.

When it just seems easier to be forgot.

I have no friends anymore

those I had ran and hid.

The ones I have around me,

no more than aquantances.

working is near impossible.

Ever look from a man makes me quiver.

Can't you see the pain

The suffering,

and denial?

My life revolves around those few things I hold dear.

Even those things I cannot share.

My blades hold my secrets

but no one understands them but me.

My poetry is always dark and frightening

making people shake and cower,

the drawings to personal.

nothing to be shared nor understood.

This way I stay with just myself.

Wondering if I will ever be able to face the day again.

See the light of day, that little light at the end of the tunnel.

It's so difficult to write an autobiography when you'd lived a life like we have. That the kind of thing I have to do right now. I need to write an autobiography. Now I can write basically whatever I want about whatever I want. the problem is, if I want to write about my life and be true to the whole autobiography thing with telling about major things in my life I need to talk about my rape. My problem is I take a very almost comedic look at most things in life. I've put in little anecdotal like remarks throughout my chapter on my rape. It makes me come off almost like I don't care or that I think rape/sexual abuse is funny. It's also the way I've written the rest of my chapters. It's hard to even talk about the rape for this entry as it is because it's not something you just run to the top of the nearest hill and shout to the high heavens.... Well if that's how you manage to heal, all the power to you. But that's not how I managed to heal all these years... It's started to get really annoying because I need to hand this thing in on Friday...

My pretty baby girl, My Bijou, my puppy dog.

You came into my life for such a short period of time,  but left such a huge mark on my heart. I never thought I could love someone like you, never thought of myself as a dog person. Little did I know how much you would come to affect me today. Today the world has lost a dog, but doggy heaven has gained a beautiful soul. Now you no longer have to fear the needles and the pain. The endless days stuck in a cage wondering who will be the next to strike.

You lived and died in a testing facility. I know that sounds cruel. But as bad as it sounds, every life there has helped countless humans. I thank each and every animal that has given their life for us. There is no way to show my eternal gratitude for a gift so large. Every human will be somehow touched by the wonderful things you have helped us find out. Something that there is no way to repay you for. I have to wonder how much I could have saved you from. I didn't work hard enough to save you, to bring you to be the dog you could have been.

I wasn't fast enough, I didn't try had enough to save you from this fate. It's not fair that you should have to die because I just didn't care. But today on March 17, 2010 at 9:15 am you were put to sleep. Such a funny way to say it. For you will never wake. You aren't sleeping we have killed you. We made these drugs for this purpose. To "stop the suffering" and "end the pain" But how much of this pain is then handed over to us. The ones who loved and cared about you. The ones left behind. I feel numb and floating. Unsure of what to do. I can't stop crying for it's the only thing I know how to do. I feel like I've let you down, I'd promised you I'd be back, yet here I am knowing you aren't here anymore. You're body stays with us for now, again to be reclaimed, your soul is up in heaven able to run freely.

No more rules, no more bars, no cages or needles. The pain is gone, and so is the fear. You are finally free to be who you really are. I knew who you could be. I saw it from day one. I will miss you forever baby girl. You will always be my pretty girl. My first puppy dog, and my only puppy dog. I will miss you everyday that I'm without you, for I let them take you from me. I can find someone to try and fill this hole, but you can never be replaced. I love you and always will love you, and will honour your memory. I will find a dog that looks just like you and name her after you. For you were supposed to be my dog, but the cruel hand of fate interveined.

so yay, I have a job. Things are awesome, I start on Friday and work most/all weekend. You'd think that's great. Only problem is we didn't talk about how much I will be making an hour. Legally I HAVE to know that before I start working, I have to sign a contract type of thing. Didn't realize this till now. So now I start stressing out about that...

That's chump change for this. So yay, Kurt got a job at at a really good factory in town, making $14 per hour and is working full time. Means we can move out even sooner. All these things are awesome.

So things are looking up for me aparently.... Then I get a phone call. I got a phone call from someone I worked with while on my co-op last semester. Turns out the dog I've been trying to adopt is being brought to another research facility and I have no chance of adopting her now. I've always been more connected to animals and can be able to feel an emotional release with an animal. This dog I was very attached to. And I'm crushed by the fact I won't have her anymore.

So really not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing but.... the test was negative. I am not pregnant. Or atleast that's what a $10 test said...

I'm not over the moon about this test and it's reliability. I will be taking another test with the brand Clear Blue, because I'm not 100% sure I can rely on this test's negative result. I literally have like every symptom of pregnancy yet I'm coming up negative.

I've had nausea, both at random, and after eating. Hot/cold flashes, stupidly emotional over the tiniest of things. I've put a small amount of weight on (I'm slightly more rounded) My breasts are sore/sensitive. Back is sore, all these things that people say come with the early stages of pregnancy I have and they are killing me (so to speak) all of these things point to a positive result on a pregnancy test. Yet I get a negative.

My other problem is I don't know if I should be sad/unhappy or happy because of the negative... I'm sad because the inner maternal mom in my says I want a kid and well I'm not pregnant when I thought I was. But at the same time I feel like I should be happy because this means I'm not pregnant and odn't have to drop out of school and possibly get screwed over for my education and all this stuff. I really don't know, but I know one thing for sure.. In a couple of weeks once I get my pay check I'll be getting a "better" test to be sure. From there we'll just see what the next step is. I may go to my school's nurse and be wtf, is there anything "more accurate" that you can test with to find out if I am or not?

So again, still don't know about my pregnancy test result yet... but wanting to know from those of you who have been pregnant (pregnancy completed or not irrelivant) what are the instructions in relation to caffeine? Little bit? None at all, ever while pregnant? Does it matter? Just wanting to know since I might be and need to know because of my daily life and what I eat/drink and everything Thanks everyone!

I GOT THE JOB!!

Ok so you know how I was all stressed out about having no money, no job and maybe being pregnant and without a job? Well part of that has been solved!! GOT THE JOB!!! I have orientation (or training as others would call it) on Sunday night, from there my first available shift is Wednesday of march break. Yes I'm working all march break.. but frankly I don't give a crap I need money... Thankfully I had enough money and I've bought a pregnancy test. I will be taking it tomorrow at some point and will let everyone who is concerned what the results are. Only issue is now I have to repair my laptop because Kurt's (my boyfriend's) dog chewed my laptop charging cord. It still works but sparks every so often and if it moves and does something stupid it won't give the power to my laptop... small issue when my laptop decides it's going to do an update and drain my battery without me telling it....

That's all for now.... I'll let everyone know the results tomorrow, as well as keep you guys updated on how the job goes after the first few days!

So first off I'm coming clean... I slipped and started cutting again. To pin it doesn to one reason wouldn't be accurate. Infact it's more things than I even realized were the reasons behind me starting again.

1) In my creative writing class (where all the poems came from) we are starting an autobiography. To start us thinking about our past he's been asking us to think about favourite toys, first day at school, random crap like that. Well one day he had us to a thing about the strongest memory tied to a scent. Now I don't know about the rest of you guys, but my strongest childhood memory... happens to be my rape! It is also tied to a scent. I have no idea what it is, but there's a scent tied to it. PRobably a mix of like 3 different scents.. But he managed to have that scent. I passed around 6 different things with scents in them, mostly spices like cloves, and vanilla, and then this one scent. I lost it!

I started shaking, hyperventilating, I actually threw myself from the chair because I started reliving my rape. I curled up under my desk and dissasociated for 2 hours. The class was long over but I didn't know I stayed there. Reliving my rape blow by blow. Not fun.

2) My mother is getting worse and worse by the day. It's affecting me greatly now. I used to be soo close with her we were more like best friends than mother and daughter sometimes. All of a sudden I can't say anything or do anything without her judging me.

3) I started having flashbacks while with my boyfriend. I've been really tired all week and would take naps while I was at Kurts house. When i'm sleeping I"m most vulnerable to flashbacks I think personally. So he would try and roll me over (I slept on my side with my back to him) and I'd start freaking out in my sleep. Or he'd go to caress my face (just back of finger in a loving manner not anything sexual) and I'd freak out. He'd kiss me on my neck (again being loving not sexual) and I'd totally freak out. I'd curl into a ball, would be barely breathing, and start whimpering. We all wimper to some degree when we're crying, I know I do, and if I'm sleeping and I start crying, I'll wimper before hand. Or atleast that's what I've been told.... So he'd be sitting there telling me it's ok, it's just him. It's my boyfriend Kurt, and that I'm safe and no one is going to hurt me. There was one point where he had to wake me up because I started thrashing around and actually started to hit him.

That honestly freaked me out. When I woke up I saw this big angry handprint on his cheek from my slapping him, and he looked terrified. He's not the kind of person that gets scared easily. To see terror on his face scared me. He then started asking what was wrong, I had no idea what had happened. I didn't dream anything (atleast that I can remember) and had no clue I'd started flipping out like he said I did. Truly not fun.

4) My possible pregnancy. I still have no idea what's going on with my body. I might be pregnant I might not. I don't have the money to go and find out, and I don't trust my doctor. He was seriously creepy to me after my rape, to make sure I was physically ok, and he's still really creepy now. Plus I woudln't be surprised (despite doctor patient confidentiality) if he were to tell my mother that I needed a pregnancy test, and what the results were.

To say the least I'm in emotional overload and a half. So what do I start doing? Well I start cutting, it's my safety zone, the only thing I can control. I had emotionally shut down, and pretty much stopped feeling. I felt numb. I hated that feeling years ago, and i hate it now. So i did the only thing that I knew would make me feel again. I took the blade to my arm again. Tomorrow will be a week since I started. I'm not proud that I had to resort to harming myself to feel human again. But that's what happened.

I've been hiding it from people, because I'm embarassed that I have to do this. But last night Kurt saw my wrist. He asked me what happened (I have a rabbit and can sometimes get scratched really badly) and I looked at him and said it's exactly what you think it is. And just bawled. 10 minutes of silence, other than me crying. I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. I was terrified he was going to break it off with me. I've had it happen before. But he would just kiss my cheeks, my neck, my forehead, my wrist where I'd cut. And just held me close. The one thing he said that hit home with me was "How can I protect you from harm, if you are causing harm to yourself?" I hope someday everyone here can find someone like this. Someone who protects you and loves you and accepts you for who you are. Accepts the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

I'm not the cuddliest person on the planet and I know that. Hell, I'm about as cuddly as a porcupine on some days. Yet he stays with me. Sticking by me despite some of the things that come out of my mouth. I love him more and more because of this. Despite in the beginning of the relationship him saying he never wanted kids, and that if he ever found out I was pregnant he'd run far away really fast. He's trying to keep my hopes up and help me through all of this. He isn't running off in the potential for me being pregnant. He's standing by and ready to help me bring this potential little life into this world as our son/daughter.

I hope you all can find a Kurt in your life, someone who loves you, and that you love back. I've been lucky in my life not to find many thorns on the roses known as boys, but some people have to go through dozens of roses and only find thorns before they find that perfect flower.

Ok this one is out of left field and I'm probably going to get yelled at but this is not something I need right now!!

I think I'm pregnant.

Yup, 18, and possibly pregnant. I'm not happy about it. Infact I'm petrified. I know I'd be a good mother, and Kurt (my boyfriend) would be a good father. But neither of us are working. The next problem.. No one is going to hire me for 8 months or so, just to have me leave for like a year for my child. Kurt is having huge issues to finding work, he doesn't have any prior experience and he's 20 now. Not many people are hiring people who have no experience... I'm more likely to get a job than him. But now I think we're on even ground.

I want to explain something first before I get yelled at for being an idiot. We do use condoms. I'm not on the pill though... again my mother is a bit of a bitch.. yes I know patient doctor confidentiality... but my doctor is a creep and weirds me out.. he's wanted to do full physicals on me since I was like 12... But my city has doctor shortages and therefore I can't switch doctors... So I avoid this guy as much as possible, therefore now pill for me. The problem with condoms is "they ruin the sensation" ok should I have fallen for that? no, but in all honesty... it's true, even for the woman... I don't like the feel of condoms... But we sort of have to use them. So how do we do this? we have sex for a bit unprotected till he's starting to really get going, then we put the condom on. I'm really sorry that this might be too much information but it's sorta needed to explain all of this. Plus you didnt need to keep reading if you didn't want to....

Ok, so we've been doing things this way for months now.. basically since we started dating (no our relationship doesn't revolve around sex) and we've not had problems with it. both of us are clean therefore STD's aren't a problem. But suddenly about a week ago, I pretty much stopped eating. I'm down to half what I "normall" eat, and everytime I do eat I feel sick to my stomach and more often than not start throwing up. With my surgery a while ago they left a staple inside me to close off the conection between the rest of my body and my appendix, anytime there is large amoutns of expansion in my stomach the staple gets pushed around and it pokes at some other bits of my body. This is just a tad painful as you can imagine... But that's been constant for a week or so. I've also become kinda rounded in the stomach area... Ok I'm 100 pounds when I'm soaked from showering/swimming. So I'm like 90 pounds normally. I used to dance everything is flat and toned, and now my stomach is slightly more rounded. And I'm stupidly emotional. Granted there are a lot of things goig on in my life. Things is I can normally get through them, but suddenly I'm a total basket case, and crying a lot, getting angry for no apparent reason and just totally snapping at a moments notice.

I'm getting worried. I don't have a job (see previous entry) and haven't been working for around 5 months now, so I don't have a lot of money. Even a $10 pharmacy pregnancy test is a little bit more money I have available to spend... So I have no idea if I am or not. And again my doctor is seriously creepy and I don't want to deal with my if I can.

Any mother's out there... Help me! What were your early pregnancy feelings. Yes I know they all differ person to person, and even pregnancy to pregnancy but any help is appreciated. I'm scared and don't know what to do. Kurt and I have talked.. There's no way I'm aborting. I don't think it's something I could live with myself after doing. I doubt I coudl put it up for adoption, I get too attached way too quick, I wouldn't be able to hand off my baby to some other person and possibly rarely see the kid again.

This was the final poem written. It was a reflection on my life and those around me and my observations, how we all wear a "mask" and how we hide behind it.

Fear of judgement

Makes us hide

Hide behind a mask

Of lies and deceit.

Showing only what we want

Opening the doors to few

Shutting most out

Keeping us to ourselves.

Out of self-preservation

This mask shows nothing

The cold emotionless face

Hiding anguish hurt and pain.

Dangers hide with this mask

People unable to connect

We feel alone and isolated

Can we learn to take off this mask before it’s too late?

Show who we truly are

Our real feelings

The real person we are

Open the doors wide and let all in.

Trust others

Learn about all we are

That we are all human

And we all feel.

Instead we feel we must hide

Behind lies

Safe without security net

Content with lies

The indifference

The lack of feeling between people

A total disconnect from reality

For without the mask we are nothing.

Only a trembling lost puppy

Unsure where to go

Unsure who we are

We are dependent on this crutch.

We all know it happens

Yet no one questions

Why we live like this

Behind masks

This was a poem written during some issues with me mentally, written about my boyfriend... And it mentions his name... it's the first time I've done that on here! congrats to me

Held close

Wrapped tight

Your arms warm against me

Finally I feel home

With you I am safe

Worries of the day banished

The cold wind runs screaming

Till I sleep peacefully

Without you I would be lost

Lost in a world of hatred

Melting my icy core

Till I feel love again.

Nothing is wrong when I’m with you

All things bring smiles

Nothing brings tears, anger or sadness

Only happiness with you.

You know my weaknesses

Find my strengths

Bring out the real me

Take the mask I wear off

Comfortable in my own skin

Never finding a flaw

Bearing all I am

Without fear of a judging eye.

Without you I wouldn’t be here

You saved me from myself

Chased away my demons

Never gave up the fight.

A fight I’d given up long ago

Till the evil consumed me

You fought on

Till every last spot was gone

You are my knight

My king

But most of all my love

My one and only Kurt.

Another personal poem..

It’s time to leave

You may not agree

I have made my choice

And you made yours

I’m moving out

With him I can be me

You’ll realize one day

How much I meant to you

I see you’re mad,

But so am I

Calling me names

Carved the path out the door

To a new life I go

A happy less stressed one

I hope you’re included

But that’s up to you

You are the cause of this

Not me or anyone else

You made choices

They happened to be bad

Without me to do your work

You’ll be swamped

Begging me to come home

But I made my choice long ago

You’ll try and hinder me

That’ll only make me go faster

I have support

I don’t need you

I have love

I’ll have a roof and food

There will be security

No longer the abuse

Leaving you behind

Won’t be easy I know

It’s something that must be done

Some day you’ll see

I still love you

I want you in my life

But only if you want to

You make the choice.

So the final handful of poems from my assignment... This one is the sonnet... It's a piece of crap. It's so heavily structured that it's hard to write. 10 sylables per line.. only 14 lines, with a certain rhyming structure as well... here goes

Ok, so as a very fe of you know, I'm looking into moving out of my house. Things with my mother are going totally ape-shit. And trust me I don't mean the good way!!! I can prove it!!!!

I forget if I ever mentioned how my mother feels about me losing my old job at Wal-mart. Well to give a little background on the subject, I had my appendix out at the butt end of summer, right before school started. That meant I needed to take some time off so I could heal a little bit more. I was a cashier and would be doing a lot of twisting and turned and lifting, not cool when you've just had some pretty major surgery going through your stomach muscles and taking a simple pee is painful! So I come back after a month or so, things are fine. That is until a week after coming back, I trip and fall on my stairs severely spraining my ankle, or atleast that's what the doctor's said. They never took an x-ray so never saw if something was broken/dislocated. Considering I used ot dance, I would sprain my ankle dozens of times in the year so much so I got desensitized to the pain of a sprain, this way more pain than a simple sprain, I'm failrly certian I broke or dislocated something. Anyways, my manager basically told me f*ck off till my ankle was better (more interesting words were said as well). So that's what I did. Not even a week later she calls me asking me where the hell I was and why I wasn't showing up for work. That was the straw that broke the donkey's back. I decided right there that this wasn't a place I wanted to work. So I quit. Apparently they didn't get my letter of resignation, because they kept calling then sent a letter saying they were going to fire me on December 24 if I didn't talk to them before then... Yup Merry Christmas to me from my ex-workplace!!

I learned later that my mother was "ashamed and disgusted by how I lost MY job". Yup SHE was ashamed by how I lost MY job. Doesn't make sense but whatever... So I started looking for jobs. Had a few interviews, but never a call back. That was until 2 weeks ago. I found this position at a local restraunt that I've heard really good reviews for. AND my mother applied as a manager way back when the restraunt was being built. Unfortunate for her the construction was going slower than she could wait. She needed a job some where in the realm of ASAP and the restraunt wasn't going to be ready ASAP. So she went off for a different job. I told her I put in my application and had an interview the coming Monday, what does she say? "Well management is filled with sexual assaulters and psychopaths". Well that naturally freaks me out.. Hello I'm a rape victim here sexual assaulters is not a cool thing to deal with! But I decided I would go to the interview and try my luck.

The guy LOVED me and would have offered me the job on the spot, but he had like 30 other people still to interview. So he couldn't. Turns out he hired me. Why is hired in past tense you ask? Well because I may have lost the job.... No I didn't do something stupid and kill a patron or a fellow employee.... Nope, he called last Thursday, I didn't respond, He called last Sunday, the day of my orientation for my job... I didn't respond. Why on God's green earth would I not respond to phone calls about a job? Because my mother checked the phone messages when she got home, saved the messages but didn't tell me. Ok she did tell me... this past Thursday night (March 4). So I listened to the messages, it appeared like he had called me Thursday and not a week ago. So I called yesterday afternoon (March 5) and he's all confused and wtf why didn't you call me. Little did I know at that point that he had called atleast a week ago about all this. He's busy because it's still during his lunch rush (he's a restraunt it's a Friday it's all good) so he says call back around 7:30-8pm that night. I plan to, even though it's my little brother's birthday dinner I was going to talk to him let him know and make the phone call. Low and behold we're going to Missisauga for dinner with my Grandparents.... We live like 2 hours away... That'll be long distance charges on my phone... I haven't been working.... But I do it anyways. He basically told me I have to wait atleast another week if he can even get another orientation done with even more people he's hiring... But he can't guarentee my job! So basically my mother screwed me out of a job...

But I know why. She's bitter because she wanted to work at this restraunt but didin't, plus she knows I'm trying to move out. If you could tell by previous messages on here I don't exactly like my mother much anymore. If you coudln't tell you may need to get your brains checked (I kid!!). So she's trying to cripple my attempts to move out. Because I can't rent an apartment if I don't hav emoney, and I can't have mnoney if I don't have a job.. Which means I'll stay here and continue to be my mothers bitch, and whipping post. Which I'm not going to be doing... I don't care anymore. I'm going to be fighting for this job. But the guy might not believe me, and think it's just some stupid pathetic excuse for fucking up. I really need and want this job...

Ok, I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I don't really care I'm saying the way I feel, and I've had nearly 30 people agree with the way I feel... and only about 1 person say I'm stupid for the way I feel... This is most likely going to be a REALLY long post, I'm sorry about that. I'm also probably going to get yelled at for doing all this typing on my busted wrist, but I've wanted to post this for nearly 3 weeks and not had the time, then wrecked my wrist and now it needs to come out before my head explodes...

Ok I've got a really good friend, last year at the beginning of the school year (september october area of 2008) he came out. He's gay. Everyone who was close to him was like "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!!". Now to explain that way of thought. This kid is the stereotypical gay, minus that annoying lisp. He's way over the top, extremely feminine and all these things. So everyone who even know him for like 30 seconds thought he was gay, but he thought he was straight. So he finally came out. We were (and still am) happy for him. Only problem was that his parents weren't supportive. They actually started to become abusive. Granted it wasn't physical. They weren't talking to him, not doing anything for him. And stopped saying "I love you" before he'd leave for school/part time job. I realize on this site, that kind of abuse seems like peanuts to us, given what has happened to us, but that's not the point. Now he dealt with this abuse for a few weeks under the teenaged fog of "it'll get better, they just need time to adjust". Sadly this was not true, he needed to get out, even if it was just for a week.

At this point I was home sick from school and work because I had mono and was extremely sick, and should have been in the hospital (may explain in another entry we'll see) he texts my phone and I tell my mom what's happening. (Him and I had dated at some point before this and he was close with my family) So my mom picks him up from school he grabs clothes and stuffs and stays the weekend. Things with his parents die down and things are fine again. Fast forward about a year (so september/october 2009) things get bad, infact worse than they were the first time. This time he's decided he's going to move out, find his own apartment and get out of there. Only problem, other than not having an apartment lined up, the money for rent/food etc. Again my family swoops in and saves his poor behind. He needs time to get on student funding for this kind of thing from the government. And then start looking for housing that falls in his budget. We all thought this would take a few weeks to a couple months at the most.

Well it's not February... If I've counted correctly that's 5 months approx. Things were fine for a while, I won't lie. It was kind of fun. Only problem is, a couple weeks before he moved in, we (my mother brother and I, my parents are divorcing) moved into a semi-detached home where the basement is rented out to a university student. Now that means we have the main level and and upstairs. We only have 3 bedrooms. So he gets the short stick and has to bunk out on the couch in our living room area. That seemed fine with him, because this was going to be for a very short time period.

This is where it starts getting hairy. He keeps saying he's got places lined up and he'll be moving out on X day. Said day would come and go, and guess what!! He's still on our couch. He'd make up some bull shit excuse and start the process again. This has happened atleast 20 times now. Most recently he said he was going to move up north to sudbury. He plans to go to a university up there and decided that he'd move there in March/April have a few months to get familiar with the area, find a job etc. Then start school..... Guess what happened to that idea! If you guessed he went early... Sorry you're wrong... If you guessed he made up some bull shit excuse and he's not moving and is still on my couch... DING DING DING DING DING!!! We have a winner! That's exactly whats happening.

Again I understand the job and real estate market is looking like crap since this whole recession thing started. So I knew going into this it was going to take a bit of extra time to find a place and have the money and everything. That was fine. But then my mom comes up with this "great idea". Now let me set the "scene" for you. I'm in a 10x8 room... that's not big, I'm used to having atleast DOUBLE that for my room. I also have my pet rabbit living in the room with me. There isn't a lot of room, I'm a girl I've got a million pounds of clothing and need every inch of space I can get my hands on for all my random "girly stuff". In order to help with this issue we got me what's known as a loft bed. For those who don't know what a loft bed is, think of a bunk bed, but get rid of the bottom bunk. That's a loft bed. I love my bed, it's a queen, it's huge, and comfy and I wouldn't change it for the world (ok maybe I'd take my boyfriend's bed.....). Now under my bed is my desk, I haven't used it since we moved because it's currently still got tons of crap from the move on it. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to be putting everything come full unpack so I haven't used my desk. My mom in her brilliancy says we can get rid of my desk "because I never use it" and put a small futon down there. That was my friend can have an actual room.... I'm sorry, when did my room become OUR room?!?!

I have no problem with different sexualities. If you're male and like other guys, awesome, like girls, awesome, are you transsexual, awesome. I DON'T CARE WHAT PART OF THE HUMAN BODY YOU LIKE! But when it starts encroaching on my personal space we have an issue. I've come home some nights and see my friend and his boyfriend pretty much going at it on my couch. That's not ok with me.. And I don't want that happening in what is my room. I've been having issues with the kid living in my house for months now, and no one has listened to me one bit, except for my boyfriend and his family. I spend more time at his place than I do at my own house because being at my house makes me soo miserable it isn't funny. Now if the plan my mother had made went through I could be pissed off with something that happened in relation to my friend (the mooch) and want to be female and freak out and throw a small hissy fit, cry, throw things, slam doors, etc. But can't... because he'd be on his bed in my room, under my bed. And well that's uncomfortable at best. So we canned that idea.

That was a few months ago and he's still on my couch. Now I'm a person who speaks my mind (if you coudln't tell by some of my posts on here....) and well I'm only going to burden my boyfriend so much with my problems, same with his family. Well my mother puts my friend before me, (I'm not even kidding!!) so talking to her is straight out, because she'll just defend him... So I'd talk to friends at school. The know my situation and sympathize with me. At some point someone broke this trust and told my friend. He freaked. Called me a lying backstabbing bitch. Frankly I didn't care... If he was this pissed off and wants to leave... fine get out. I'm not keeping you here. He said that he was talking to his parents and that he'd be moving out by the end of this week. Guess what it's Sunday, of that week, and where is he...? Yup still on my couch.. He's been throwing this fit for days now. The funny thing, during the morning or at night before we go our seperate ways (school or bed) we're very friendly. It's weird.

So I said my mother puts my friend before me... Ya that's sad I know... But I'm not kidding. she'll drive him places but I have to find my own way (bussing, drive from my boyfriend, walk, but I need to find my own way) If he needs something special for a project or something, yup, she'll go out and buy it. Last time I checked my friend had a job and therefore had some money... I dont' have like any money becaues I haven't worked since November. Couple weeks ago I was sick with this nasty stomach flu. Literally 12 hours straight of puking my guts up. Then slept all day the next day. I got nothing from my mother. Normally when I'm sick like that my mom is there the whole time trying to help. This time I got a "what do you want me to do... there's no point in me being here" Now a couple days later my friend get sick with the same thing. What does my mom do? Gets him cool clothes to put on the back of his neck, glasses of cold water to sip, ginger ale when he was ready, popsicles to soothe his throat. She helped him! Ya that was a fun thing to find out.

So this assignment we had to do a personification. For those who don't know what personification is, it's where you take an inanimate object (like a chair, or a desk) and describe it, but using human characteristics. Like the computer monitor stared back with it's one glowing eye, watching my every move around the room. Silently stalking me waiting to draw me back in. That sort of thing. I chose to do a bed. Doubt it's triggering but since it is about a bed some might be... so you have been warned... also this is the last one I have written and edited slightly so that's all the poetry I've done. But the assignment is due on Feb 25th, (next week) and I need a total of atleast 12 poems.. so I'll have more up over the week/weekend

Probably triggering, I know writting it I was nearly triggered... so warning you guys now, it deals with a lot of issues... and yes it's part of the assignment...

So we had to choose a sport we find difficult and write a poem on it. I chose skeleton, those who don't know it... Think luge/bobsled but you got face/head first instead of feet/butt first....

Headfirst,

Over 100 km/h

Split seconds

The deciding factor

A track solely of ice

Insane twists and turns

Moving down the hill

In the blink of an eye

Between you and the track

A small metal and fibreglass sled

Inches off the ground

No breaks or steering wheel

Only way to steer,

Shifting your body weight

Only way to stop,

Loose snow and feet

One false move and it’s over,

Flipping the sled

The chance at a medal

Gone, in the blink of an eye.

Doubt this to be a trigger, but may bring up memories some don't want to remember about being treated like an adult before you were even a child... part of the assignment

For those of you who don't know what hyperbole is, it's the act of exaduration in writing. Like that person weighed as much as an elephant would be a hyperbole. This could be a triggering poem so please be warned. Again part of the assignment I've been talking about.

Could trigger not sure... again part of my assignment

Again, this could trigger and is part of my assignment for class..

Ok first warning... THIS MAY TRIGGER SELF-HARMERS could trigger others I don't know. It's fairly graphic and is part of a larger assignment I'm handing in in a week for my creative writing class.

So there's a bunch I want to write about.. But can't now. Because Family Day was Monday (for those not from Canada, we have this really dumb holiday called Family Day. It's seriously pointless but an extra day off work or school plus extra pay because it's a stat holiday, I'll sure as heck take it!!) I ended up breaking my hand. Not only did I break my hand... it's my writing hand. Can we say FML? I have a creative writing class first period, then math, then biology at school. TONS of writing is required.. So screwed. It's always painful. Even typing stuff has become a chore because out of 5 possible fingers to use, I only have the use of 2, those 2 happen to be my index finger and my middle finger. So atleast I can flip someone the finger still I guess....? So my ability to write on hre is seriously minimized to next to nothing and the problem is I want to write on here.... This little blurb right here has taken me nearly a half hour to type because my hand is beign stupid. Hopefully things get better so I can write more soon because I've got atleast like 4 entries in here that I need to write out! I'll hopefully still be able to get on here and comment on people's entries and help people... Talk soon everyone! Lets all hope for a speedy recovery and for some pain medications to finally be able to work on me!!

It seems after my rape that I'd keep going back to men that I thought were trustworthy but would just use me for sex and then toss me away. Not only that but they'd brag about it, this bragging would make it's way to my friends and they would then start attacking me.

I'm going to write more on this another day but right now it's 7:35 *eastern time* and I need to leave for school in less than a half hour and I'm not even dressed yet. Ugh school.. I should write something about that at some point....

So everyone knows how certain things bond to memories very well, the smell of fresh baking bread reminds us of Grandma's house right before the holidays. A perfume/cologne of a parent, so on and so forth. It's the same with sounds. Sounds can also be in the form of songs. Maybe just the lyrics or the melody, sometimes it's the whole package rolled into one.

Well something hit me like a rock just now. I've had a bad few weeks, I'm not going into detail, that's for another time and place and whole other message entry, but today it just got to the point of overwhelming. I've had probably a good 10 hours of homework per day every day this week. Again another message entirely. But I've been listening to my Ipod over my stereo system since I got home from school today. For the most part I've been listening to System of a Down and various bands like that. Well I got through all the songs I have on my Ipod by them and decided what the heck I'm going to just put the entire 1000+ songs on my Ipod onto full shuffle. A few minutes ago a song came on, many people on here might know it. I've been near tears all day. Fighting back at them like my life depended on it. Somehow I managed not to bawl like a baby at school. But this song came on, it wasn't any studio version, oh no, it was the live version (I do believe from Japan.. it's a bonus song on one of the CD's but I don't remember what CD) But the band has the entire crowd singing. I just lost it. Couldn't stop crying. It's such a beautiful song. I think it sums up the life of a survivor fairly well.

What song is it that I've been talking about the whole time you ask? Well I'll tell you... "Perfect" By Simple Plan. And here's the lyrics:

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
 

Ok first off I want to say this... WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINIONS!!!!!

If I want to say I think Micheal Jackson did molest some child, that's my opinion, if I think he didn't, well again it's my opinion. No 2 opinions are 100% the same, and no opinion is ever 100% true either. There are 3 sides to a story, person "A"s side, person "B"s side, and the truth. It's possible one of their sides is more accurate than the others possibly even 99% true. But how can we tell unless we were there. And the last time I checked.. None of us where in the same place when the other survivors on here were molested/raped/assaulted etc and can't call shenanigans on our stories. We also can't do the same thing to MJ. So what if he molested a little boy, that's in the past, Micheal wanted to be left alone about that when he was alive, and his family wants that to be left alone about that now that he's gone as well. Why can't we respect his wishes, he was "the King of Pop". Was an amazing singer, songwriter, dancer, performer, and most of all he was HUMAN.

Frankly I was raped by my step brother, I've managed to forgive him for the most part and have moved on with life. I don't see Him and give him dirty looks and mumble under my breath "rapist rapist rapist" like it's my personal mantra or anything. Frankly we all make mistakes, Hell I've made more mistakes than I can count.. and I'm only 18!!! Am I proud of some of those mistakes, fuck no. Are some of them things I look back on now and say to myself wow you were a total moron? Yes, atleast once a day I mentally smack myself because I've done something really stupid that I knew not to do.

And the whole fights between people here.. You're being stupid and childish. So many people on here are being driven off the site because of all this petty squabling happening. You know what, maybe some stories from survivors sound a little farfetched... but frankly all of our stories should be lies. Why you ask I think these stories should be just that, stories? All fake, lies, with made up characters and situations? BECAUSE RAPE/MOLESTATION ETC SHOULDN'T EVER HAPPEN! No one should have to live with the knowledge that they had something taken from them in such a terrible way. This site came together so people from all over the world could band together. Show eachother that we're not alone. That together we can beat something like the terrible thing that is rape and sexual assault. The only problem is that on here we're isolating ourselves more than ever because it feels like there isn't anyone on here to trust. People that I've had on my friends list since I signed up on here and talk with very often, how do I know I can actually trust them? Frankly I think it's sad, in a place where we should feel safe, none of us are safe. All of us fear being judged on the writing of their story.

Some of us have mental problems as an after effect of their experience, some of us had pre-existing ones. We all range in age from young teens/children up to mature adults. We all have different cultures, religions, skin colours, countries/states/provinces/cities we call home. So what if I spelt something wrong? Or got a couple words mixed up and the sentence doesn't flow "smoothly"? Maybe I wrote it the way I did for a reason. I'm in a creative writing class in school right now, and we're learning that we don't have to write sentences in the way we were taught in the earlier days. Where you need a subject and an action. You. Can. Have. Sentences. Like. The. Past. Seven. I just wrote. We write things in the way we write them for a reason. Stop calling people out on stupid things. If you feel all high and mighty because you called out "Johnnybean234" because his spelling was off over the internet... Congratulations, your life must kinda suck if you're stuck getting enjoyment from other people's misery, not only that but OVER THE INTERNET!

I'm sorry if this pissed you off, but I didn't hold you to the screen to read this entry. This is me using my freedom of speech. Didn't like it? Well you read it...

"Violet rather sick.­.. mayb this­ stems from ­a joke by bf­'s frie­nd saying he­'d rape­ me.. hmmmm"

I know I had A LOT of people concerned when I posted this around 2 weeks ago, and trust me it sent me for a bit of a loop and then some. And I'm sorry if this triggers anything for anyone who decides to read this, but it's something I need to write in order for people to get clarity and to not worry anymore.

So couple of weeks ago a couple of my boyfriend's friends wanted to go tobagoning (we live in Canada.... there's snow, which means we find the biggest snowiest/icyest hill get some sort of tobaggan and trudge to the top then slide down and do it again... I'm Canadian and it makes no sense to me either....) I had only spent a really small time with him and just didn't want to go home and spend the rest of the evening at home alone. So I decided what the hell, lets spend time with the guys and freeze my face off on the top of a hill. (Again insane I know!)

Now I have to "set the scene" for you, it's me and 5 guys. All of which are 19 or older, I'm only 17. So of course there will be jibes flying left and right sexually. It's normal for these guys. If I didn't see crotch grabs and "Boob" grabs etc every few mintues, I'd be concerned to be quite honest. And that stuff is fine with me. It's when things start turning on me or me and my boyfriend that I start having issues with it and it makes me uncomfortable.

I've said it before with this group of guys that things usually get hairy between them and myself, or myself and my boyfriend. This time it crossed the line. The last time it happened it was over oral sex (see previous entry titled And so the cycle continues). After much fun had by all and much goofing off this one friend very casually makes the comment to my boyfriend that he "Wants to rape me and wanted to know if that was ok with my boyfriend". I will give it to him that he didn't know. He doesn't know my past, because most people out there then treat you like glass and we're fragile and all this stuff, which frankly I think is a load of horse-shit because I think it makes us stronger in some places. So he doesn't know the idea of rape isn't funny to me. The other problem is that not only is he a male 21 year old (yay raging sex drive) he's also an only child. So he's never really learned about the whole idea of a filter when it comes to the things we say.

After he says this I've already started to walk home. Again Canadian winter, it's -20 (Celcius) with a wind chill of nearly -30 and I'm walking home, in jeans and a winter jacket. I can't feel most of my body and I've got atleast an hours worth of walking to do now, and it's only getting colder. We're also on a fairly steep hill, but it's also very icey so it's not exactly the best idea to walk down this puppy. But I start anyway because when someone says rape and it's directed at me, I take it very seriously and need to escape. As it so happens my boyfriend intercepts me and just holds me. In the middle of this hill with his friends all around. I'm crying and blabbering on incoherently and shivering and just being a total mess. The next 10 minutes are spent this way, with him just holding me telling me he'll keep me safe and that his friend didn't mean it and that it was a mistake and kissing my forehead/top of my head and just in general trying to make me feel better.

So that's an explanation of my status. That's all I'm writting for tonight.... Good dent in the things I wanted to write over the course of like 3 days... In like 2 hours... So I'm logging off for the night to get some much needed rest and then right back at it tomorrow. To get the next 2 or so MAJOR things I need to get up on here.. The other ones are things that are going to take some time.

So I know, I posted on Friday that I'd be posted an absolute crap load of stuff on here about stuff....

I also realize, that hasn't exactly happened. I'm sorry to those that I got hopes up for this weekend for much ranting and raving by me (I know some of them can be quite funny) but due to unforseen circumstances that hasn't happened. I've had this killer headache for over 2 weeks now, to put it into perspective take a jack hammer put it beside your ear for 2 weeks then have another one pounding on the base of your skull. That's about what has been happening to me. Most days it's been managable. Barely. But I've been getting by. Yesterday I meant to post atleast 2 different things on here, sadly this headache got insane! It was so bad that it actually made me really dizzy and a little bit queezy. Nothing would help it, not any kinds of headache meds, not even my crazy powerful migrane medication did much. I'd probably taken 2 times the recommended dose of medication for myself in a couple of hours to try and take even a small edge off the pain. None helped, and it took me nearly 2 hours to fall asleep just to take a nap in order to see if that would help the headache. Helped for about 45 minutes after I woke up for dinner. Then it started all over again. Thankfully there was no throwing up but things coasted along with much misery and unhappiness. Again took me nearly 2 hours to fall asleep.

Normally at night when I got to bed I spend 45 minutes or so reading. This reading happens online on my Ipod touch. This is because there are a few sites I go to, to read online. I don't usually use my laptop because it's a BEAST of a laptop (17 inch screen) and everything. It made me extremely queezy and left me really over heated and feeling worse. Feeling better today, YAY, but I'm leaving to go see my cousin in Hamilton. Now this is because she JUST had a baby girl (Sara) last Friday. We wanted to go visit after the family came home from the hospital. So that sort of kills my chances of putting anything on here today. I wil try my best to get some stuff posted tomorrow since I have the day off school (yay highschool exams and such) But I must get off because we are leaving shortly to pick up some fixings for garlic cheese toast (yummy!) And then picking up my wonderful boyfriend and heading out.

So I will try and get back online later today if possible and get a couple things up and if not work like a crazy person on them tomorrow since I seemed to have gotten some people's hopes up when I posted last.

So many things I need to talk about.. not enough time. I will however be on here later (hopefully tonight) to talk about it all....

That's the hope atleast... For those of you wondering about my status that has been on here for a little while now... I will explain it in one of the messages on here. Then there is something that is straight pissing me off, and one thing that is making me resent and absolutely HATE someone in my life, but love someone else all the more...

Sorry if this leaves anyone hanging and wondering as to what the crap I am talking about, but it will all be made clearer hopefully by the end of this weekend. Also I left a bunch of you guys hanging with one of (if not my last) my messages on here about my rapist being at my house, I will give an update on that soon as I can because I know a lot of you have been asking what has happened with all of that.

Thank you guys for continuing to support and as always everyone stay strong!

So ya,

It's Christmas, so the family gets together and we all eat ourselves sick and silly. Well my Christmases... well really any of those holidays, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc are hell on wheels for me. Considering my attacker is/was my step brother I've got an added layer of "fun" put into the mix. Every time we have one of these get togethers he comes over. Frankly I'm okay with that, for the most part. I realize just because he made a VERY stupid decision nearly 10 years ago doesn't mean that he should be shunned from major family events. Since my parents are split up and in different houses (finally!!) things have gotten plently different and my Dad decides to take more liberties with the legal crap we are supposed to deal with. He's technically supposed to give me 72 hours notice before my abuser even steps into the house. Granted that sometimes doens't happen since I don't live with my dad. Even a day or even early morning the day of is fine with me. I understand forgetting and being busy but telling me like half an hour before he gets here is NOT COOL!!

With Christmas and all these celebrations I've come to realize that my abuser will be in my house for an extended period of time regardless. It's a fact of life, and well as harsh as it seems... get over it. And I have. But it's now 12:23am (so after midnight) and he's STILL HERE. The rule my parents have made is he doesn't stay over night. Makes sense, he sort of sexually assaulted/abused me for months (or years, I dont' really remember it's all a blur) and then raped me, so staying the night... not happening. Which is totally fair. Now he's the only other person in the house, and by only other person I mean of the guest variety (that just sounds cruel...) Like right now there is my brother (full brother) my dad, my younger step-brother (done nothing to me other than be a dick of an older brother.. but that's expected) and him. Now during the day when there is like 15 people in the house I don't care. There's not a hope of him getting me alone and trying shit with me again. Granted I ALWAYS lock doors behind me if there is a chance of him getting me in a compromising position (bathroom, in bedroom changing or something like that) But now it's just the few of us and he can claim to be going to the washroom and try something again. And I DON'T want to allow that to happen. It terrifies me to know that we have all this legal stuff set out and now that my mother isn't involved in the situation my dad takes full advantage.

This is the upside (sort of) of the story. My Boyfriend. Is. Amazing. PERIOD! He stayed on the phone for about an hour talking to me. He parked his car down the road from my house and talked to me trying to figure out whats going to happen. If I was going to stay here, go to his house or to another house. He kept telling me what he thinks is the best idea but me being me couldn't decide what I wanted to do and kept thinking that something bad was going to happen. Frankly I HATE confrontation with my parents and with my abuser in the room makes it even worse. The fact that I was already in my pj's and ready for bed (tight form fitting tank top and pj pants ..... don't hide anything by the way) doesn't help the problem with going out there and talking to my father with Him in the room.

I ended up staying the night but they didn't leave until around 3am and I didn't get to fall asleep till atleast 4am and even then it was a very crappy nights sleep. My boyfriend is amazing and is going to help me talk to my father soon as I can because I am spending the next 2 weeks with my father and this could keep happening. Hasn't yet but we'll see.....

And so I begin to wonder where I've gotten myself.

Last night (or the night before I don't really remember) I posted a note on here, and to those who read it, thanks, to those who commented THANK YOU. You're words of encouragement mean a lot to me. It may not seem like it but they do.

One of the things with me is one of my triggers is oral sex, (i'm sorry if this is a touch of TMI but it has to be put out there for the rest of this post to make ANY sense at all...) even if it's just asking and very nicely at that. Every time I was raped/abused/assaulted etc. at some point I would be forced into performing oral sex on the person. I don't exactly find oral sex very pleasing. Although my boyfriend appreciates it when I do give him such because "I give really good head" (he's a guy, we'll forgive him for that).  But today he crossed a well known line:

We went out bowling, I didn't bowl because earlier we had been fooling around and he accidentally did something to my wrist. Nothing serious far as I can tell jsut painful and annoying as crap (ya I know I'm freaking accident prone.. story of my life) But we got bowling him, a couple of his guy friends and me. We're bowling goofing around all that good stuff. Then we pack up and get ready to leave. Only thing is we're trying to figure out what's going to happen after, are we all going to our seperate houses, getting together at one of the houses, what's the plan? Randomly my hand skims across his pants as I go to hug him, him being a guy goes "ooh" and perks up (again he's a guy we'll forgive him). Well this goes into a conversation with his friends as to why he suddenly got all excited, it then segues into oral sex (don't ask me how, it's sex related and therefore makes sense to the guys). He then makes a comment on how he really likes it and would like it more often... Bad move when surrounded by the guy friends.

So they make playful jibes about it and all this crap, I then discretely tell him that it's because I have reason to not want to. He makes some silly comment "is it because of my bush" not realizes that I'm beaing 100% serious at this point and no longer goofing off. He sort of clues in and discretely asks why and I tell him that he knows why, because when we first started dating I made it clear that I had some demons to say the least and he seemed fine and supportive. He slowly clues in and realizes what I"m talking about and that THIS is why I don't like to give oral. One of his friends asks what we're talking about. We are talking about this right infront of him but are being very quiet so he's curious and fair enough. Instead of my boyfriend "blowing it off" and saying nothing or don't worry about it, he says we were talking about what in her past stops her from giving me head"

WOAH!! RED FLAG BUDDY!! That was it, I didn't even get mad, I just shut down AGAIN. Me shutting down is a very dangerous place to be in. Because I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm not anything really I'm very neutral at this point. That's the place that no one who used to cut (still cuts) wants to be in, because THAT'S PART OF THE REASON WHY WE CUT!!!!!! I walk away wanting to cry but unable to because I'm angry. He follows being "the caring boyfriend" to make sure I'm ok. Not the greatest plan of all time but I'll give him credit he did realize what he'd done after he did it. I lost it on him. It wasn't the correct thing to say nor the nice thing to say for me. I'm still struggling with my past and everyday getting out of bed is a new and scary thing I'm going to be doing and I need as much help and support as I can possibly get.

I told him it wasn't ok and that he knew that. At this point I just wanted to go home. Well technically I wanted to go to his place and be alone with him to talk and to just get some reassurance that things are ok. Sadly that's not the case (otherwise I wouldn't be writing this yet). The guys make a plan to go see the new movie "Avatar". Now this isn't saying that it's a horrible movie and so forth, but I have no interest in seeing it (I don't want to see in my comments how I'm missing out and how can I not like the movie yaddy yaddy yaddy yaddy yada because that's not what we're talking about here now is it?) So he drops me off at my place with a "talk to you later love you bye" and a kiss then heads off to the movie. Low and behold there is a God! The movie was sold out once they got there. Sadly this also backfired big time...

The new plan is that they will go to the movies at 11am tomorrow and see it then. Only problem is, I was planning on going and seeing him around then. My family is split up so the holidays are a little crazy. Wednesday I go into the "big city" (Toronto) to go and see the play "Fiddler on the Roof" from there I spend overnight (23) at my grandparents with my brother, step-sister, step-dad and mother, come home on Christmas Eve and spend over night at my dad's and straight through till New Years Eve spend with my father... So technically the next time I'll see my boyfriend is probably New Years when we do our own celebration stuff. We had already talked about getting together tomorrow but no his friends are suddenly more important than me. Just a teeny bit annoying if I do say so.

Anyways that's all from me for now... Probably more to come in the next few days... oh forgot to mention.... I get so spend 3 whole days with my rapist!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY, can I please die now? Instead of locking myself in a room for 3 days... hell I've shut down far enough as it is... I'm unstable enough already I will do it, and have done it before..

So it's Christmas time, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, time for your holiday since there are like 10 holidays for this time of the year. Normally everyone is very happy and excited making lists of the things they want and going shopping for their friends/family members. Me not so much.

I've had flashbacks all week. Recently in one of my classes in school we are doing seminars where for a half hour a student is the teacher and tlaks about a social issue. Someone did incest. I have no problem with this because I need to keep an open mind. She opened up with the question to the class of "what was your worst experience as a kid?" How do I tell a class of my peers many of which I've known for years that I was raped? Everyone else said, they got lost, they got attacked by a dog or nearly did. Etc. All minor to me. Major things to them but to me they seem like nothing. I've been lost in a mall, had a "big scary dog" lunge at me. Yes those things are scary but people don't understand rape, and molestation.

I felt terrible I had flash backs and broke down. I started crying. I ran out of the classroom bawling because I was terrified of my memories. I started this week feeling amazing. In a couple days that all went down the crapper. I'm not feeling scared and miserable. I've nearly started my self destructive ways. It's scary because I've gone such a far way from that. I haven't cut in nearly 6 months. Considering I started that with a suicide attempt and now I'm cut free for months is amazing for me, but that one little question. Just 10 seconds of thought I'm now back at square one and have no where to turn to. My boyfriend tries but he doesn't understand. He's doing the best that he can but I've withdrawn and I feel terrible. He thinks he's losing me, and he is, I've started to withdraw from everyone. I want to cut, but know I shouldn't, so I take myself away from people. I spend time with him and I just end up sitting on the other side of the couch from him wrapped tightly in a blanket and curled up. Normally I snuggle up to him and fall asleep in his arms and cry because I'm so happy. I'll sit in one of the reclining chairs and have his 2 dogs (adult pug and puppy maltese shih tzu) cuddle up by my legs and they'll sleep by my legs and i'll fall asleep petting them. I can't even have them near me. I don't know why because normally I find that animals help me. I need help.

Please guys help me!! I'm getting desperate! and I'm fearing for all my relationships with people

Le sigh,

Continuation of my little escapade with the hospital.....

So after seeing my doctor being told to go to the ER, and the million hours of waiting in a VERY uncomfortable chair. Not to mention the annoying pee test (oh the dignity...) plus numurous vials of blood taken. They decide it would be a good idea to take me down to get an ultrasound... oh wait that's right, my side feels like I've been stabbed a billion times with a red hot firey poker! So they then decide to put me on morphine to kill the pain before sending me to the ultra sound, plus there was a wait to get into the ultrasound so it would make sitting in said very uncomfortable plastic chair a teeny weeny bit more bearable.... barely...

So they tell me they are going to put the IV in my wrist.... but before doing so I needed to change into a hospital gown.... What hospital gowns and and IV had to do with anything really beats me since I was still in the ER and wasn't really admitted yet. But I digress. So i strip down, (infront of my mother because they needed to make sure I didn't fall over..... I was in pain people not drunk or high!!!!) and get into the gown. Why the heck do they put the ties up at the back?!?! The little bow/knot digs into your spine and hurts like a son-of-a-*****! Plus they don't close completely so your butt and any other things (guys think your little men down there) are fully on display if you go anymore than at a snails pace walking.... So I'm sitting there on a hospital gurney, knots digging into my spine freaking out because they are about to stick a gigantic needle into my hand and then all sorts of stuff, and this nurse comes in and sees me freaking the heck out. Thank God for this woman. She tells me that she's ok if I cry, yell, swear, and even scream!! I swear this woman is like God in nurse form! So she tells me she won't do anything till my mom is back (my mom went to take a pee.... how convenient mother... I'm just going to get jabbed with a 4 inch needle in my hand and have them keep it there for the next 4 days, nothing big....) Once my mother decides to come back, the nurse takes my hand tells me to take a deep breathe (hard enough as is since I'm in searingly horrible pain from my appendix) and to hold my mother's hand (with my other hand of course....) and on the count of three there will be a small pinching feeling in my hand.

Not so much! Said "little pinching pain" was more like stabbing yourself in the hand with a fork. And this pain didn't go away after a couple minutes. Oh no this pain went on for like the 8 hours.... This is where I tell you that I'm all over 100 pounds when I'm soaking wet right out of the shower.... So my hands are rather boney and "dainty" as my mother put it. So every little beat of my heart sent blood pumping through my veins and arteries and caused the IV needle to pulse with it, moving it around and causing such lovely pain... and then there's the fact that there was liquid being forced none to gently into my vein or artery or what ever the heck she shoved the bugger into which burned like crazy because someone decided it would be a good idea to store liquid morphine IN THE FRIDGE!!!! This makes it burningly cold going into your body with your blood!! So then I'm holding my hand tight so I'm shaking less due to the pain, causing less shifting of the IV and the nurse decides that I should probably let go of the hand and rest the hand with the IV in it on a pillow, I didn't think so, I liked where my hand was and it made me comfortable. So after a 20 minute yelling match in the ER waiting room she gives up. 4 hours later I'm still in pain but oddly enough my hands, face, and feet are all funny feeling. I guess I don't react to morphine like "normal" people do, and it's not a pain killer for me it just makes me feel funny.

Now this whole time I've forgotten that I was wearing my contact lenses as opposed to my regular glasses. By now the IV is in and taped like mad crazy to my hand and I can't move it, you need 2 hands to put in/remove contact lenses from off your eyeball.... So I toddle into the bathroom, dragging my IV pole with me and trying to keep from giving everyone in the ER a free show of my bare butt with my mother behind me laughing like crazy to take my lenses out... So 45 minutes later and a million times poking myself in the eyes the contacts are out and I've got my glasses on. And I sit back down in my chair.

I'll leave it at that, hopefully in the next day or two I'll get the ultra sound story up here because it's even funnier than this one.... I get even more sarcastic! Oh? You guys thought THIS entry had lots of wit and sarcasm just you wait! It won't be up tomorrow since I'm moving my father from one house to another, but I may have some spare time tonight to start typing it up and possibly get it up here. There are still atleast 2 or 3 more stories, "the ultrasound from hell" "The waiting game and surgery pre/post op" and then "Recovery the final chapter, sort of" 

So it's been a while since I last wrote on here....

Those of you wondering whats up with my status over the past couple of months (when I do decide to update it..) it talks about hospital and surgery and pain and all this stuff. Well late August I started feeling major pains in my lower right side (around my hip bone- ish) after nearly 3 days of dizzyness nausea and barely eating or drinking I started to "walk funny" (I was leaning to my right side as I walked also hunched over because it relieved some pain). My mom asked me if I wanted to see the doctor. Please note I'm terrified of doctors and hospitals etc. After nearly 3 hours of denial that I'm sick I realized this level of pain isn't normal, even for me who gets bad cramps during my cycle (sorry if that's TMI)

Went to the doctor low and behold 2 minutes later he tells me he's 99% sure it's my appendix but can't do any tests at the office so go to the emergency room at the hospital. So now we run home expecting the worst leave some phone messages etc with family and loved ones and pack some overnight junk and amusement crap (we had no idea how long we'd be there for... oh health care system how we love thee!!). So nearly 6 needle pricks a pee test (yay dignity!!) and a very painful ultra-sound (more on that on a later entry because that's an adventure in and of itself folks!!) we find out yes indeedy it's my appendix being a jerk and it'll have to come out.

During this whole time my boyfriend is moving across town and I was supposed to help him with the move. He shows up at the hospital and stays there nearly the entire time I'm there. He loves me soo much I hope everyone out there finds a guy/girl as good as mine.

It's surgery time and I'm being wheeled down the way to surgery and I'm bawling, did I mention I HATE pain, terrified of needles and surgery and cutting into me by other people???? And everyone gives me a hug and a kiss, and I have my mom on one side, my boyfriend on the other and I'm not letting go. I've got my aunt at the foot of my bed and everyone is holding hands and we all say a prayer and I lose it even worse.

I'll end it there and continue with this later in other entries because it's late for me (10:35 pm) and I am up for school at 6am for my co-op and I've already had a terrible morning this morning and am exhausted. So goodnight PWP I shall talk with you soon as I can! xoxo

Ps: more adventures with me and the hospital coming soon.....

pps: expect more general entries soon and more constant. I miss being able to blog on here without scrutiny!

 !#$%^!?$%^!$%^!#$^%!^*(&!$65145!$%&!*(%

Ugh. I hate OCD. (obsessive compulsive disorder) All day I've been in anxiety. Nothing is in order nothing is clean everything that I work so hard to make sure isn't there. I hate living with this.

For those of you who don't understand OCD here's a brief explanation.

Those of us with OCD have different triggers. Some are germaphobes. Some count some need things lined up. It all depends on the person. I'm sadly a mix of about a million different triggers. When things aren't the way they like/need things to be we get into a state of high anxiety. This can just be aggravation and being tense all the way to being extremely irritable violent or get to the point of crying and/or hysterics.

I'm big on things being clean, (I carry multiple small bottles of hand sanitizer and those little wipes) things lining up labels out etc, and doors being closed. When I got up this morning NOTHING WAS RIGHT! I've been running around all morning trying to get everything done but each pass I make I find something more, I feel my hands are dirty and have to wash them again. 

This sucks. I have no way to control this. Where I live there is no one who can help me. No one specializes in the field of OCD. And I don't do medications! That's a huge thing I'm again. I have a fear of things going wrong with medications. I've seen/heard of people having really bad reactions to prescription medications and I'm not wanting that to happen to me. I want my anxiety and OCD "ticks" (as I call them) to go away. I need them to go away they're slowly destroying my life. I don't know what to do anymore because I need to get things done and I can't.

I'm supposed to be going out today to pamper myself because my boyfriend is coming home from Ireland tomorrow. I want to get my nails done (mani/pedi) go for some tanning (since weather here has sucked and I can't get a decent day of sunlight) and get a hair cut and maybe some new colour. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up getting some kind of germ on me and I'm going to be dirty. I hate this and it scares me. I'm never able to go out and pamper myself without being afraid and anxious about something. Hope things get better as I go about my day and everything!!

I don't think I can do this......

My boyfriend is in Ireland for the next 10 or so days. I'm not sure how much he'll be able to get on the computer to send me emails and such. It sucks because at this point it's just been about 6 hours since I last saw him, as he was driving away after dropping me off at work and I was crying like a blubbering idiot in the parking lot at work. Sadly after that he had to leave right away for the airport. About half an hour ago his plane took off. Did I mention I'M EFFING TERRIFIED OF PLANES!!! I'm so stressed out because I'm a person who's worried about any and all possibilities of something going wrong. I think of even the smallest of things. I'm worried that something is going to go wrong with his flight. It's between 6 and 8 hours, overnight and all that gross-ness. I really wish he didn't have to go or that atleast he could bring me with him. Sadly my work and finances wouldn't have allowed that anyways. Although only being 17 and not legal to drink at the pubs...and his family intends to do a full night of pub crawling I'd sort of be screwed that night. I can't wait till he's back. I miss him so much right now.

 So yesterday my new boyfriend and his family took me to this local festival. It was an italian festival held by the local Italian Canadian Club. First of all WHAT IS WITH ROLLING CHEESE DOWN A STREET?! I don't get it!!!! That was one of the events that was held that my boyfriends brothers participated in. I'm not sure why they do it but it was kind of fun(ny) Managed to avoid heat/sun stroke (yay) and I think even his brothers love me! But we're one day closer to him leaving for Ireland. I'm happy he's going, I've heard all sorts of stories from people who've gone to Ireland and that it's really fun. It's hard for me because I get attached really easily to people which will make Friday really hard for me. I seem to have gotten a little burnt but that's fine, because I'm a person who doesn't burn too badly but when I do it turns right into a nice tan. I'm really happy things went really well yesterday and I even have some awesome cheese at my house....yes the cheese was rolled down a street, still weird to me but hey it's good cheese!!

 NEW BOYFRIEND!!!!!

Alright so I've had this boyfriend for maybe 4 days now. But I think I've found him. (Ya I know maybe a little early to know we're actually good for each other but what ever!!) His parents have already met me and pretty much love me. First day I was at his house I met his mother and after I left she kept asking questions about me. Something she's apparently never done with any of his previous girlfriends (makes me feel special). Sadly he's going away to Ireland this Friday for 2 weeks. I'm going to miss him sooooooo much. I'm excited to see him once he gets back though. After two weeks of separation I think we'll be even closer than we were before. I'm going with him and his family today to a local festive thingy. Hopefully it doesn't rain, and hopefully I don't get heat stroke as I seem to be way to prone to it. Maybe I won't be sunburnt as well!! Plus now I'm meeting the rest of his family, his older brothers (he's the baby of his family!!) I've heard a bunch about his brothers but have never met them before and I've known this guy for easily 3-5 years. Wish me luck on making a good impression!!

Bless

V

 Alright, so last email David sent out talked about this endeavour that I'm doing.

It's a book of submissions from people on here who have struggled with self-harm. This ranges from the simplest of things all the way up to and including attempting suicide. I'm trying to gather submissions from people on here. There's already a group set up on here called Self-Harm. I'm trying to reach out to others on here who had problems with self-harm or those who are still struggling. I know I've struggled with it and it's not easy. I had to go it alone. Let me tell you it's not easy. My parents didn't understand why, or how to deal. They basically said stop now it's not good. But didn't support my attempts to stop, they just pressured me into stopping. This book and this group is to help people, in a caring a loving way. The best way to quit something successfully is with positive comments of "you can do it" "you're stronger than this" etc. I'm hoping that soon I'll be getting a large number of submissions from writing this, because currently I just have 2 submissions (not including my own) and it's not enough to create a book. Within the group I'm taking ideas for themes and ways to do layouts etc. 

If you want to send in a submission you can send it to pwphelpbook@gmail.com  It goes straight to me, it's 100% confidential no one other than me will see it, if I want to use it to have an example for the submissions I'll ask you before hand. I've said before that this can be a poem, a story, a combination etc. What everyone is thinking is that someone writes a poem or sends in a drawing (what ever you want) and then writes a short story about this is why i started to cut and i'm still struggling or I've stopped cutting and I haven't for "X" years. (Now this isn't JUST for people who cut). You can also use your real name or use the user name you have on here or another name you have that you'd like. (IE Violet isn't my real Name but it's what I'm using for my submission) Hopefully putting this out there will help me get more submissions!!

Bless,

V

It went surprisingly well. Thank god. There are no marks on my arms (well other than old marks that can't be gotten rid of but that's another story....)

People basically avoided me if i told them to leave me alone. And happily so. My step brother wasn't even there...which is always a good thing for me. I never want to see him again!! As it happens this weekend was the weekend that I had my parenting class baby project. (those who don't know it's a doll that is like a real baby and cries and needs feeding changing rocking etc etc etc.) Didn't get much sleep was stressed and emotionally strung out from here in Canada all the way to China (that's a good distance LOL). There were times I wanted to give up on everything just from the pure level of stress there was on me. I managed to get through it all with only a few tears shed... ok there were a few more than a couple tears. Stress does very unpleasent things to me. I get emotionally insane. I was saying things to my mother I wouldn't normally say because I was so exhausted and emotionally unstable. Imagine sleeping an hour every 4 hours. That's what I did all weekend. If I wanted a nap at 2pm because I'd been up for over 12 hours at that point with only an hour or so of sleep, didn't happen. the second I closed my eyes, the baby would cry because she needed something. What it was I had to play the guessing game as to what she wanted but eventually would figure it out. After that there would be a string of other things that I needed to do for her to eventually get her to calm down and go back to sleep. By that point I was REALLY tired and wanted to sleep but was to high strung to sleep. I'm living off of pure will power and coffee. That makes for a very unstable me....

I think I'm going to go for a nap now....oh wait I have math class now I CAN'T SLEEP!! and then I have to work. Today is going to be really fun....NOT!! again with the wishing me luck. Today will be more interesting than I think this weekend and my Mother's day stress.

V

So it's mother's day this weekend. This means my father (father to the person who raped me) is having the family over. This also includes the guy who raped me. I'm scared. Everytime he's in my house I'm terrified. I spend hours locked in my room with the dead bolt locked. More often than not it turns to me cutting. I want to enjoy mother's day with my mom because she's helped me through all of this. She's been the only thing that was constant in my life when it seemed like I had no control. Wish me luck for this weekend. 

You came into my room that night. Why? I do not know. You never told me what you were doing. Only now do I know that it was wrong. I lost my trust in you, and men in general. You snatched away my childhood. Something I'd only just started living. Why did you do that? How could you?

I wish I could turn back time. Make sure it didn't happen. Stop you from making that decision. Stop me from allowing it. If only it hadn't happened. We could have had a different friendship, our lives would have been vastly different. Less time wasted, less life wasted. Less blood poured from my scarred wrists. I wear this sleeve of lines upon my arm as a reminder of the pain you caused to me. Hours spent talking and writing and drawing. All in vain. Money poured away into counselling sessions I didn't want or need. The legal junk that hasn't done anything. All I want is for you to tell me why you did it.

Do I forgive you? No, you look so much from me. And for what? A moment to feel macho and manly because you could over power someone? One day I might be able to look you in the eye and say it's ok, I forgive you, I'm not mad. But it's been nearly 10 years. And I still can't look at you and say I love you without feeling my stomach clench and feel the need to throw up because you just cause me to feel sick when you're in the room. 

 The blade, it has become my only true friend.