So ya,

It's Christmas, so the family gets together and we all eat ourselves sick and silly. Well my Christmases... well really any of those holidays, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc are hell on wheels for me. Considering my attacker is/was my step brother I've got an added layer of "fun" put into the mix. Every time we have one of these get togethers he comes over. Frankly I'm okay with that, for the most part. I realize just because he made a VERY stupid decision nearly 10 years ago doesn't mean that he should be shunned from major family events. Since my parents are split up and in different houses (finally!!) things have gotten plently different and my Dad decides to take more liberties with the legal crap we are supposed to deal with. He's technically supposed to give me 72 hours notice before my abuser even steps into the house. Granted that sometimes doens't happen since I don't live with my dad. Even a day or even early morning the day of is fine with me. I understand forgetting and being busy but telling me like half an hour before he gets here is NOT COOL!!

With Christmas and all these celebrations I've come to realize that my abuser will be in my house for an extended period of time regardless. It's a fact of life, and well as harsh as it seems... get over it. And I have. But it's now 12:23am (so after midnight) and he's STILL HERE. The rule my parents have made is he doesn't stay over night. Makes sense, he sort of sexually assaulted/abused me for months (or years, I dont' really remember it's all a blur) and then raped me, so staying the night... not happening. Which is totally fair. Now he's the only other person in the house, and by only other person I mean of the guest variety (that just sounds cruel...) Like right now there is my brother (full brother) my dad, my younger step-brother (done nothing to me other than be a dick of an older brother.. but that's expected) and him. Now during the day when there is like 15 people in the house I don't care. There's not a hope of him getting me alone and trying shit with me again. Granted I ALWAYS lock doors behind me if there is a chance of him getting me in a compromising position (bathroom, in bedroom changing or something like that) But now it's just the few of us and he can claim to be going to the washroom and try something again. And I DON'T want to allow that to happen. It terrifies me to know that we have all this legal stuff set out and now that my mother isn't involved in the situation my dad takes full advantage.

This is the upside (sort of) of the story. My Boyfriend. Is. Amazing. PERIOD! He stayed on the phone for about an hour talking to me. He parked his car down the road from my house and talked to me trying to figure out whats going to happen. If I was going to stay here, go to his house or to another house. He kept telling me what he thinks is the best idea but me being me couldn't decide what I wanted to do and kept thinking that something bad was going to happen. Frankly I HATE confrontation with my parents and with my abuser in the room makes it even worse. The fact that I was already in my pj's and ready for bed (tight form fitting tank top and pj pants ..... don't hide anything by the way) doesn't help the problem with going out there and talking to my father with Him in the room.

I ended up staying the night but they didn't leave until around 3am and I didn't get to fall asleep till atleast 4am and even then it was a very crappy nights sleep. My boyfriend is amazing and is going to help me talk to my father soon as I can because I am spending the next 2 weeks with my father and this could keep happening. Hasn't yet but we'll see.....