Ugh. I hate OCD. (obsessive compulsive disorder) All day I've been in anxiety. Nothing is in order nothing is clean everything that I work so hard to make sure isn't there. I hate living with this.
For those of you who don't understand OCD here's a brief explanation.
Those of us with OCD have different triggers. Some are germaphobes. Some count some need things lined up. It all depends on the person. I'm sadly a mix of about a million different triggers. When things aren't the way they like/need things to be we get into a state of high anxiety. This can just be aggravation and being tense all the way to being extremely irritable violent or get to the point of crying and/or hysterics.
I'm big on things being clean, (I carry multiple small bottles of hand sanitizer and those little wipes) things lining up labels out etc, and doors being closed. When I got up this morning NOTHING WAS RIGHT! I've been running around all morning trying to get everything done but each pass I make I find something more, I feel my hands are dirty and have to wash them again.
This sucks. I have no way to control this. Where I live there is no one who can help me. No one specializes in the field of OCD. And I don't do medications! That's a huge thing I'm again. I have a fear of things going wrong with medications. I've seen/heard of people having really bad reactions to prescription medications and I'm not wanting that to happen to me. I want my anxiety and OCD "ticks" (as I call them) to go away. I need them to go away they're slowly destroying my life. I don't know what to do anymore because I need to get things done and I can't.
I'm supposed to be going out today to pamper myself because my boyfriend is coming home from Ireland tomorrow. I want to get my nails done (mani/pedi) go for some tanning (since weather here has sucked and I can't get a decent day of sunlight) and get a hair cut and maybe some new colour. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up getting some kind of germ on me and I'm going to be dirty. I hate this and it scares me. I'm never able to go out and pamper myself without being afraid and anxious about something. Hope things get better as I go about my day and everything!!