So there's a bunch I want to write about.. But can't now. Because Family Day was Monday (for those not from Canada, we have this really dumb holiday called Family Day. It's seriously pointless but an extra day off work or school plus extra pay because it's a stat holiday, I'll sure as heck take it!!) I ended up breaking my hand. Not only did I break my hand... it's my writing hand. Can we say FML? I have a creative writing class first period, then math, then biology at school. TONS of writing is required.. So screwed. It's always painful. Even typing stuff has become a chore because out of 5 possible fingers to use, I only have the use of 2, those 2 happen to be my index finger and my middle finger. So atleast I can flip someone the finger still I guess....? So my ability to write on hre is seriously minimized to next to nothing and the problem is I want to write on here.... This little blurb right here has taken me nearly a half hour to type because my hand is beign stupid. Hopefully things get better so I can write more soon because I've got atleast like 4 entries in here that I need to write out! I'll hopefully still be able to get on here and comment on people's entries and help people... Talk soon everyone! Lets all hope for a speedy recovery and for some pain medications to finally be able to work on me!!

So it's Christmas time, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, time for your holiday since there are like 10 holidays for this time of the year. Normally everyone is very happy and excited making lists of the things they want and going shopping for their friends/family members. Me not so much.

I've had flashbacks all week. Recently in one of my classes in school we are doing seminars where for a half hour a student is the teacher and tlaks about a social issue. Someone did incest. I have no problem with this because I need to keep an open mind. She opened up with the question to the class of "what was your worst experience as a kid?" How do I tell a class of my peers many of which I've known for years that I was raped? Everyone else said, they got lost, they got attacked by a dog or nearly did. Etc. All minor to me. Major things to them but to me they seem like nothing. I've been lost in a mall, had a "big scary dog" lunge at me. Yes those things are scary but people don't understand rape, and molestation.

I felt terrible I had flash backs and broke down. I started crying. I ran out of the classroom bawling because I was terrified of my memories. I started this week feeling amazing. In a couple days that all went down the crapper. I'm not feeling scared and miserable. I've nearly started my self destructive ways. It's scary because I've gone such a far way from that. I haven't cut in nearly 6 months. Considering I started that with a suicide attempt and now I'm cut free for months is amazing for me, but that one little question. Just 10 seconds of thought I'm now back at square one and have no where to turn to. My boyfriend tries but he doesn't understand. He's doing the best that he can but I've withdrawn and I feel terrible. He thinks he's losing me, and he is, I've started to withdraw from everyone. I want to cut, but know I shouldn't, so I take myself away from people. I spend time with him and I just end up sitting on the other side of the couch from him wrapped tightly in a blanket and curled up. Normally I snuggle up to him and fall asleep in his arms and cry because I'm so happy. I'll sit in one of the reclining chairs and have his 2 dogs (adult pug and puppy maltese shih tzu) cuddle up by my legs and they'll sleep by my legs and i'll fall asleep petting them. I can't even have them near me. I don't know why because normally I find that animals help me. I need help.

Please guys help me!! I'm getting desperate! and I'm fearing for all my relationships with people

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Ugh. I hate OCD. (obsessive compulsive disorder) All day I've been in anxiety. Nothing is in order nothing is clean everything that I work so hard to make sure isn't there. I hate living with this.

For those of you who don't understand OCD here's a brief explanation.

Those of us with OCD have different triggers. Some are germaphobes. Some count some need things lined up. It all depends on the person. I'm sadly a mix of about a million different triggers. When things aren't the way they like/need things to be we get into a state of high anxiety. This can just be aggravation and being tense all the way to being extremely irritable violent or get to the point of crying and/or hysterics.

I'm big on things being clean, (I carry multiple small bottles of hand sanitizer and those little wipes) things lining up labels out etc, and doors being closed. When I got up this morning NOTHING WAS RIGHT! I've been running around all morning trying to get everything done but each pass I make I find something more, I feel my hands are dirty and have to wash them again. 

This sucks. I have no way to control this. Where I live there is no one who can help me. No one specializes in the field of OCD. And I don't do medications! That's a huge thing I'm again. I have a fear of things going wrong with medications. I've seen/heard of people having really bad reactions to prescription medications and I'm not wanting that to happen to me. I want my anxiety and OCD "ticks" (as I call them) to go away. I need them to go away they're slowly destroying my life. I don't know what to do anymore because I need to get things done and I can't.

I'm supposed to be going out today to pamper myself because my boyfriend is coming home from Ireland tomorrow. I want to get my nails done (mani/pedi) go for some tanning (since weather here has sucked and I can't get a decent day of sunlight) and get a hair cut and maybe some new colour. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up getting some kind of germ on me and I'm going to be dirty. I hate this and it scares me. I'm never able to go out and pamper myself without being afraid and anxious about something. Hope things get better as I go about my day and everything!!