I don't know anymore.

two of my best friends just had kids within the last few months. I'm torn. I know I'm only 18, I'm young. I understand that. I also understand that a baby doesn't solve any problems. IT can also ruin a teenaged relationship blah blah blah. And most of all, they're bloody expensive. I understand all that. But seeing all these people having children just kicks my maternal instincts into overdrive. I just recently got out of a pregnancy scare. Well to be more accurate, I just lost my baby. I was maybe 6-8 weeks along would be my guess when I misscarried. I'm not sure what happened and I'm heartbroken.

I am on birthcontrol (the pill) in the hopes of putting off a child, but it doesn't help squash my feelings and drive to have a kid right now. I'm just so conflicted and for nearly no reason. I know a baby is not a good thing right now. I'm graduating highschool this year, I'm out of a job (got laid off) and all this stuff and my boyfriend JUST got a job and all this stuff but I can't help but see all these people around me having kids. Co-workers from old jobs are having kids, people from school are having kids. It just seems like I'm surrounded by women I am close with having children and I'm just left out of the baby party if you will. I guess part of it is the remaining imbalance of hormones left over from the pregnancy I just lost, but I think there's more to it than that. I just wish this feeling would go away.

I learned an old aquantance of mine had an abortion recently. She already had one kid when she was young and screwed up and got pregnant with another. She took the easy way out. I was pissed. Here I am, with millions of women around the world who wouldn't mind  a kid but are misscarrying the child they just conceived. I was pissed. I'm pro-choice, I think it is the mother's choice to do what's best. I know if I had been pregnant and going through with the birth etc. would have possibly killed me and/or the baby anyway I know I'd probably terminate, or if there were other circumstances (ie, pregnant by rape. not that those who have children conceived out of rape are any less of an amazing person for raising this tiny life who was conceived in such violent ways infact i tip my hat to those women.) but she didni't even consider adoption. Juswt made an appointment and *poof* no baby anymore. I don't know, I think i'm just rambling and letting my hormones get the best of me....

So back to my last message on here...

I'm almost 100% positive I'm pregnant. I know last time I said the same thing and it was a false alarm. But the thing is since we found out (a year ago) that I have ovarian cysts, my doctor told me to try and keep track of my periods and to figure out when I'm ovulating, most fertile etc. Just so I knew when I had to start preparing for the pain my cycle brings each month. Well about a month ago I'd lost track of my cycle and apparently got a little careless with my boyfriend. When I went back and calculated everything, we had had  sex when I was REALLY fertile. We're 18 and 20 we aren't the best at always remembering condoms right away. This was the case.

Now I'm near constantly tired, bordering on exhausted and no amount of sleep helps. Yesterday i got over 12 hours of continual sleep over night but had to lay down for another 2 hours for a nap part way through the day. My lower back has been bugging me, nothing overly bad but bad enough it's getting irritating. Same with my stomach. It's nothing overly bad, I can still function through day to day, and it seems like it gets better when I lay down. It's in my upper abdomen (if that's relivant) sort of just below my rib cage. Again it just feels like I've eaten too much over dinner and am bloated but nothing I can't handle. I haven't even needed to take anything like advil to help with the cramping.

My period was "supposed" to start on the 10th of this month, but its already come and gone. Normally I get fairly violent periods, when it basically puts me in bed the first day, with severe nausea, cramps etc. And is just a bloody painful mess of terrible that lasts between 6 and 10 days on average. Yet this tip-toed in, without a single cramp or anything... infact I would have gone to work on Friday (nearly a week early for my period) without knowing it had started. I could basically go an entire day without needing to change anything and it was gone by Sunday night/Monday morning. Again tip-toed away as quietly as it had started when normally this thing steam rolls over me and leaves me wondering what the hell just hit me.

Ontop of all over this I am starting to look rather bloated and round. My boyfriend hasn't noticed anything other than me being really sensitive emotionally and my back/stomach bothering me. Me taking naps often when I'm spending time with him isn't out of the ordinary. Having school and work, and a shitty home situation doesn't make for the best nights sleep. So I often take a nap. I just feel all around strange. I don't feel like myself right now. I'm excited for the possibility  of being pregnant. At this point I can't live at my mother's house (lord only knows the things she'll say about me if this is true and I tell her) plus there isn't the room or anything for me to have a baby there. Same goes for my father's house, there just isnt' enough room, plus one of my step-brothers lives there and has some mental issues and I'd rather not expose my child to that in the off chance something terrible happened. So that leaves me with my boyfriend's house. It could work... if we needed to as a last resort. But his room is across the hall from his parent's room. As much as we would have the space for a crib and a change table etc in his room, I just don't think his parents would appreciate the "constant" noise from a baby when they need to be getting to work in the morning.

As far as I can tell moving out into our own apartment wouldn't be an option, I'm barely working (one shift a week if I"m lucky... I've had the last 3 out of 4 weeks without a shift) and my boyfriend doesn't work. The fact that we'll have to buy the stuff for this baby is bad enough, not to mention the fact that we'd have to pay rent and buy groceries etc.

At this point it's not looking good.. while sort of looking good.

My mother will disown me most likely, but meh, I disowned her months ago.