So first off I'm coming clean... I slipped and started cutting again. To pin it doesn to one reason wouldn't be accurate. Infact it's more things than I even realized were the reasons behind me starting again.
1) In my creative writing class (where all the poems came from) we are starting an autobiography. To start us thinking about our past he's been asking us to think about favourite toys, first day at school, random crap like that. Well one day he had us to a thing about the strongest memory tied to a scent. Now I don't know about the rest of you guys, but my strongest childhood memory... happens to be my rape! It is also tied to a scent. I have no idea what it is, but there's a scent tied to it. PRobably a mix of like 3 different scents.. But he managed to have that scent. I passed around 6 different things with scents in them, mostly spices like cloves, and vanilla, and then this one scent. I lost it!
I started shaking, hyperventilating, I actually threw myself from the chair because I started reliving my rape. I curled up under my desk and dissasociated for 2 hours. The class was long over but I didn't know I stayed there. Reliving my rape blow by blow. Not fun.
2) My mother is getting worse and worse by the day. It's affecting me greatly now. I used to be soo close with her we were more like best friends than mother and daughter sometimes. All of a sudden I can't say anything or do anything without her judging me.
3) I started having flashbacks while with my boyfriend. I've been really tired all week and would take naps while I was at Kurts house. When i'm sleeping I"m most vulnerable to flashbacks I think personally. So he would try and roll me over (I slept on my side with my back to him) and I'd start freaking out in my sleep. Or he'd go to caress my face (just back of finger in a loving manner not anything sexual) and I'd freak out. He'd kiss me on my neck (again being loving not sexual) and I'd totally freak out. I'd curl into a ball, would be barely breathing, and start whimpering. We all wimper to some degree when we're crying, I know I do, and if I'm sleeping and I start crying, I'll wimper before hand. Or atleast that's what I've been told.... So he'd be sitting there telling me it's ok, it's just him. It's my boyfriend Kurt, and that I'm safe and no one is going to hurt me. There was one point where he had to wake me up because I started thrashing around and actually started to hit him.
That honestly freaked me out. When I woke up I saw this big angry handprint on his cheek from my slapping him, and he looked terrified. He's not the kind of person that gets scared easily. To see terror on his face scared me. He then started asking what was wrong, I had no idea what had happened. I didn't dream anything (atleast that I can remember) and had no clue I'd started flipping out like he said I did. Truly not fun.
4) My possible pregnancy. I still have no idea what's going on with my body. I might be pregnant I might not. I don't have the money to go and find out, and I don't trust my doctor. He was seriously creepy to me after my rape, to make sure I was physically ok, and he's still really creepy now. Plus I woudln't be surprised (despite doctor patient confidentiality) if he were to tell my mother that I needed a pregnancy test, and what the results were.
To say the least I'm in emotional overload and a half. So what do I start doing? Well I start cutting, it's my safety zone, the only thing I can control. I had emotionally shut down, and pretty much stopped feeling. I felt numb. I hated that feeling years ago, and i hate it now. So i did the only thing that I knew would make me feel again. I took the blade to my arm again. Tomorrow will be a week since I started. I'm not proud that I had to resort to harming myself to feel human again. But that's what happened.
I've been hiding it from people, because I'm embarassed that I have to do this. But last night Kurt saw my wrist. He asked me what happened (I have a rabbit and can sometimes get scratched really badly) and I looked at him and said it's exactly what you think it is. And just bawled. 10 minutes of silence, other than me crying. I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. I was terrified he was going to break it off with me. I've had it happen before. But he would just kiss my cheeks, my neck, my forehead, my wrist where I'd cut. And just held me close. The one thing he said that hit home with me was "How can I protect you from harm, if you are causing harm to yourself?" I hope someday everyone here can find someone like this. Someone who protects you and loves you and accepts you for who you are. Accepts the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.
I'm not the cuddliest person on the planet and I know that. Hell, I'm about as cuddly as a porcupine on some days. Yet he stays with me. Sticking by me despite some of the things that come out of my mouth. I love him more and more because of this. Despite in the beginning of the relationship him saying he never wanted kids, and that if he ever found out I was pregnant he'd run far away really fast. He's trying to keep my hopes up and help me through all of this. He isn't running off in the potential for me being pregnant. He's standing by and ready to help me bring this potential little life into this world as our son/daughter.
I hope you all can find a Kurt in your life, someone who loves you, and that you love back. I've been lucky in my life not to find many thorns on the roses known as boys, but some people have to go through dozens of roses and only find thorns before they find that perfect flower.