So as many of you may know I have gotten out of what I thought was an amazing relationship of 3 years. Shortly after that, I got into a new relationship. I know it sounds kind of trampy, but hey, life happens, and it happens in mysterious ways.

He and I have been talking for a while now. Just as friends. I was with my then boyfriend and had no intention of ruining that by cheating on him (oh the irony) and this guy was more than willing to put any feelings he had aside because he knew both myself and my boyfriend and didn't want to be the cause of any unhappiness.

So three days after the massive meltdown and breakup, I'm in this new relationship with this new guy. I'm actually happy. I'm actually me again. I don't even know the last time I was actually happy or felt like the same person. It's strange looking back and seeing all the issues I had with Kurt. Many of them huge red flags that I should have seen as "get the hell out of here!!" but I never did. This new guy is amazing. He knows everything and is more than willing to help me with anything. He gives me space when I need it, but is more than willing to give the best bearhug available if I need that too.

But he's not exactly undamaged himself. A little over a year ago he was in a fairly long term relationship (long distance as well) and she got into an accident. I don't know much details because we are only a year out of all of this and it's still pretty painful for him to talk about. She ended up dying as a result of her injuries. What I do know is that it involved a car. However I don't know if that means she was driving and another car plowed into her, or if maybe she was walking and a car plowed into her. Either way bad enough to be in the hospital. I also don't know the details of what exactly caused her death. It's possible it was something like internal bleeding, but could have been she was on life support but brain damage was bad enough that doctors said she would be in a coma the rest of her life and that at this point it was the machines keeping her alive and that she was realistically already gone.

August 31st is the day of the accident, and she later died on the 3rd of September. What are going to be very difficult days for him. As it turns out yesterday (August 15) would have been her birthday. This is all new territory for me. I'm not used to being the one who helps others heal like this. I'm used to being the broken one looking for all the missing pieces and asking others to help put me back together. Instead I'm trying to help put him back together.

It's all new and scary and I don't always know the best way to handle it. I make sure he knows I'm there for him no matter what, doesn't matter what time it is, or where I am, if he needs me (especially on those 3 really big days) then I will drop everything I'm doing and rush to his side. I know it's what he would want me to do if I needed him for something major like that.

I'm just happy that two broken souls such as us can come together and make eachother feel so happy and whole again and that we are able to help eachother heal and mend and move on. We keep joking that his girlfriend had a hand in this. We have no other explaination as to why we found eachother really. I never found him attractive until a few weeks ago. He was always like one of my brothers and it was like "ummm no, not into that totally nerdy type guy" turns out, I really am. And I couldn't be happier about it to be honest. It's amazing what the right person at just the right time can do for someone. It's totally taken me away from a dark deep pit of despair and depression and brought me back into the light and I'm enjoying my life again.

I feel..... Alive!! 

So really not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing but.... the test was negative. I am not pregnant. Or atleast that's what a $10 test said...

I'm not over the moon about this test and it's reliability. I will be taking another test with the brand Clear Blue, because I'm not 100% sure I can rely on this test's negative result. I literally have like every symptom of pregnancy yet I'm coming up negative.

I've had nausea, both at random, and after eating. Hot/cold flashes, stupidly emotional over the tiniest of things. I've put a small amount of weight on (I'm slightly more rounded) My breasts are sore/sensitive. Back is sore, all these things that people say come with the early stages of pregnancy I have and they are killing me (so to speak) all of these things point to a positive result on a pregnancy test. Yet I get a negative.

My other problem is I don't know if I should be sad/unhappy or happy because of the negative... I'm sad because the inner maternal mom in my says I want a kid and well I'm not pregnant when I thought I was. But at the same time I feel like I should be happy because this means I'm not pregnant and odn't have to drop out of school and possibly get screwed over for my education and all this stuff. I really don't know, but I know one thing for sure.. In a couple of weeks once I get my pay check I'll be getting a "better" test to be sure. From there we'll just see what the next step is. I may go to my school's nurse and be wtf, is there anything "more accurate" that you can test with to find out if I am or not?

So first off I'm coming clean... I slipped and started cutting again. To pin it doesn to one reason wouldn't be accurate. Infact it's more things than I even realized were the reasons behind me starting again.

1) In my creative writing class (where all the poems came from) we are starting an autobiography. To start us thinking about our past he's been asking us to think about favourite toys, first day at school, random crap like that. Well one day he had us to a thing about the strongest memory tied to a scent. Now I don't know about the rest of you guys, but my strongest childhood memory... happens to be my rape! It is also tied to a scent. I have no idea what it is, but there's a scent tied to it. PRobably a mix of like 3 different scents.. But he managed to have that scent. I passed around 6 different things with scents in them, mostly spices like cloves, and vanilla, and then this one scent. I lost it!

I started shaking, hyperventilating, I actually threw myself from the chair because I started reliving my rape. I curled up under my desk and dissasociated for 2 hours. The class was long over but I didn't know I stayed there. Reliving my rape blow by blow. Not fun.

2) My mother is getting worse and worse by the day. It's affecting me greatly now. I used to be soo close with her we were more like best friends than mother and daughter sometimes. All of a sudden I can't say anything or do anything without her judging me.

3) I started having flashbacks while with my boyfriend. I've been really tired all week and would take naps while I was at Kurts house. When i'm sleeping I"m most vulnerable to flashbacks I think personally. So he would try and roll me over (I slept on my side with my back to him) and I'd start freaking out in my sleep. Or he'd go to caress my face (just back of finger in a loving manner not anything sexual) and I'd freak out. He'd kiss me on my neck (again being loving not sexual) and I'd totally freak out. I'd curl into a ball, would be barely breathing, and start whimpering. We all wimper to some degree when we're crying, I know I do, and if I'm sleeping and I start crying, I'll wimper before hand. Or atleast that's what I've been told.... So he'd be sitting there telling me it's ok, it's just him. It's my boyfriend Kurt, and that I'm safe and no one is going to hurt me. There was one point where he had to wake me up because I started thrashing around and actually started to hit him.

That honestly freaked me out. When I woke up I saw this big angry handprint on his cheek from my slapping him, and he looked terrified. He's not the kind of person that gets scared easily. To see terror on his face scared me. He then started asking what was wrong, I had no idea what had happened. I didn't dream anything (atleast that I can remember) and had no clue I'd started flipping out like he said I did. Truly not fun.

4) My possible pregnancy. I still have no idea what's going on with my body. I might be pregnant I might not. I don't have the money to go and find out, and I don't trust my doctor. He was seriously creepy to me after my rape, to make sure I was physically ok, and he's still really creepy now. Plus I woudln't be surprised (despite doctor patient confidentiality) if he were to tell my mother that I needed a pregnancy test, and what the results were.

To say the least I'm in emotional overload and a half. So what do I start doing? Well I start cutting, it's my safety zone, the only thing I can control. I had emotionally shut down, and pretty much stopped feeling. I felt numb. I hated that feeling years ago, and i hate it now. So i did the only thing that I knew would make me feel again. I took the blade to my arm again. Tomorrow will be a week since I started. I'm not proud that I had to resort to harming myself to feel human again. But that's what happened.

I've been hiding it from people, because I'm embarassed that I have to do this. But last night Kurt saw my wrist. He asked me what happened (I have a rabbit and can sometimes get scratched really badly) and I looked at him and said it's exactly what you think it is. And just bawled. 10 minutes of silence, other than me crying. I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. I was terrified he was going to break it off with me. I've had it happen before. But he would just kiss my cheeks, my neck, my forehead, my wrist where I'd cut. And just held me close. The one thing he said that hit home with me was "How can I protect you from harm, if you are causing harm to yourself?" I hope someday everyone here can find someone like this. Someone who protects you and loves you and accepts you for who you are. Accepts the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.

I'm not the cuddliest person on the planet and I know that. Hell, I'm about as cuddly as a porcupine on some days. Yet he stays with me. Sticking by me despite some of the things that come out of my mouth. I love him more and more because of this. Despite in the beginning of the relationship him saying he never wanted kids, and that if he ever found out I was pregnant he'd run far away really fast. He's trying to keep my hopes up and help me through all of this. He isn't running off in the potential for me being pregnant. He's standing by and ready to help me bring this potential little life into this world as our son/daughter.

I hope you all can find a Kurt in your life, someone who loves you, and that you love back. I've been lucky in my life not to find many thorns on the roses known as boys, but some people have to go through dozens of roses and only find thorns before they find that perfect flower.

I don't think I can do this......

My boyfriend is in Ireland for the next 10 or so days. I'm not sure how much he'll be able to get on the computer to send me emails and such. It sucks because at this point it's just been about 6 hours since I last saw him, as he was driving away after dropping me off at work and I was crying like a blubbering idiot in the parking lot at work. Sadly after that he had to leave right away for the airport. About half an hour ago his plane took off. Did I mention I'M EFFING TERRIFIED OF PLANES!!! I'm so stressed out because I'm a person who's worried about any and all possibilities of something going wrong. I think of even the smallest of things. I'm worried that something is going to go wrong with his flight. It's between 6 and 8 hours, overnight and all that gross-ness. I really wish he didn't have to go or that atleast he could bring me with him. Sadly my work and finances wouldn't have allowed that anyways. Although only being 17 and not legal to drink at the pubs...and his family intends to do a full night of pub crawling I'd sort of be screwed that night. I can't wait till he's back. I miss him so much right now.