And so I begin to wonder where I've gotten myself.
Last night (or the night before I don't really remember) I posted a note on here, and to those who read it, thanks, to those who commented THANK YOU. You're words of encouragement mean a lot to me. It may not seem like it but they do.
One of the things with me is one of my triggers is oral sex, (i'm sorry if this is a touch of TMI but it has to be put out there for the rest of this post to make ANY sense at all...) even if it's just asking and very nicely at that. Every time I was raped/abused/assaulted etc. at some point I would be forced into performing oral sex on the person. I don't exactly find oral sex very pleasing. Although my boyfriend appreciates it when I do give him such because "I give really good head" (he's a guy, we'll forgive him for that). But today he crossed a well known line:
We went out bowling, I didn't bowl because earlier we had been fooling around and he accidentally did something to my wrist. Nothing serious far as I can tell jsut painful and annoying as crap (ya I know I'm freaking accident prone.. story of my life) But we got bowling him, a couple of his guy friends and me. We're bowling goofing around all that good stuff. Then we pack up and get ready to leave. Only thing is we're trying to figure out what's going to happen after, are we all going to our seperate houses, getting together at one of the houses, what's the plan? Randomly my hand skims across his pants as I go to hug him, him being a guy goes "ooh" and perks up (again he's a guy we'll forgive him). Well this goes into a conversation with his friends as to why he suddenly got all excited, it then segues into oral sex (don't ask me how, it's sex related and therefore makes sense to the guys). He then makes a comment on how he really likes it and would like it more often... Bad move when surrounded by the guy friends.
So they make playful jibes about it and all this crap, I then discretely tell him that it's because I have reason to not want to. He makes some silly comment "is it because of my bush" not realizes that I'm beaing 100% serious at this point and no longer goofing off. He sort of clues in and discretely asks why and I tell him that he knows why, because when we first started dating I made it clear that I had some demons to say the least and he seemed fine and supportive. He slowly clues in and realizes what I"m talking about and that THIS is why I don't like to give oral. One of his friends asks what we're talking about. We are talking about this right infront of him but are being very quiet so he's curious and fair enough. Instead of my boyfriend "blowing it off" and saying nothing or don't worry about it, he says we were talking about what in her past stops her from giving me head"
WOAH!! RED FLAG BUDDY!! That was it, I didn't even get mad, I just shut down AGAIN. Me shutting down is a very dangerous place to be in. Because I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm not anything really I'm very neutral at this point. That's the place that no one who used to cut (still cuts) wants to be in, because THAT'S PART OF THE REASON WHY WE CUT!!!!!! I walk away wanting to cry but unable to because I'm angry. He follows being "the caring boyfriend" to make sure I'm ok. Not the greatest plan of all time but I'll give him credit he did realize what he'd done after he did it. I lost it on him. It wasn't the correct thing to say nor the nice thing to say for me. I'm still struggling with my past and everyday getting out of bed is a new and scary thing I'm going to be doing and I need as much help and support as I can possibly get.
I told him it wasn't ok and that he knew that. At this point I just wanted to go home. Well technically I wanted to go to his place and be alone with him to talk and to just get some reassurance that things are ok. Sadly that's not the case (otherwise I wouldn't be writing this yet). The guys make a plan to go see the new movie "Avatar". Now this isn't saying that it's a horrible movie and so forth, but I have no interest in seeing it (I don't want to see in my comments how I'm missing out and how can I not like the movie yaddy yaddy yaddy yaddy yada because that's not what we're talking about here now is it?) So he drops me off at my place with a "talk to you later love you bye" and a kiss then heads off to the movie. Low and behold there is a God! The movie was sold out once they got there. Sadly this also backfired big time...
The new plan is that they will go to the movies at 11am tomorrow and see it then. Only problem is, I was planning on going and seeing him around then. My family is split up so the holidays are a little crazy. Wednesday I go into the "big city" (Toronto) to go and see the play "Fiddler on the Roof" from there I spend overnight (23) at my grandparents with my brother, step-sister, step-dad and mother, come home on Christmas Eve and spend over night at my dad's and straight through till New Years Eve spend with my father... So technically the next time I'll see my boyfriend is probably New Years when we do our own celebration stuff. We had already talked about getting together tomorrow but no his friends are suddenly more important than me. Just a teeny bit annoying if I do say so.
Anyways that's all from me for now... Probably more to come in the next few days... oh forgot to mention.... I get so spend 3 whole days with my rapist!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY, can I please die now? Instead of locking myself in a room for 3 days... hell I've shut down far enough as it is... I'm unstable enough already I will do it, and have done it before..