So I thought I would give more updates on how I've been over the last couple years since I decided to take some time away from here. To put it in basic terms without getting into anything specific since this topic can be a little triggering to some I have an angel watching over me. This could be a little triggering so I don't mind if you don't read on but those who do read on, you have been warned.
For those who don't understand due to how crytic I'm being, I don't just have an angel, I have an angel baby. No, I don't mean stillborn/died after birth, I mean I had a miscarriage. This was while I was still with Kurt. I was on birth control (the pill) and was really good at taking it everyday same time blah blah blah. But we didn't always use condoms the most faithfully (save me the lecture I KNOW).
So this past May/June I found out I was pregnant. As just about anyone who finds out they are pregnant (not planned) I started to freak out. "How will I afford this? I'm not ready. How will I tell him, his parents, my parents?" Etc. etc. etc. Well I didn't have to worry about that for very long, before I could even get to the doctor's office to get a confirmation urine/blood test and then my first ultrasound I started to lose the baby.
For any women who have been through this, you know how unpleasant the whole process can be. Lots of pain physically emotionally and mentally. I dealt with it all. If I thought my menstrual cramps from when I was younger were bad, holy crap these were bad. To top this all off I had to tell Kurt a) I was pregnant b) I was losing the baby.
Here's were things got really bad. Instead of being helpful and supportive he did everything short of a happy dance finding out that he wouldn't have a baby in 9 ish months down the road. Yup you read that right, he was HAPPY that I was miscarrying. Meanwhile I'm in extreme amounts of pain physically, got all the emotional garbage from hormones and stuff, and all the mental "Why wasn't I able to carry this baby" and other beating myself up crap. Yup, I picked a real winner.
So yeah, I guess it's for the best? Our relationship disolved really shortly after all of that into just a whole bunch of unhappy not good that eventual killed the relationship. It isn't fun knowing I could have had a child in 9 months. But I guess it was one of those mercies that we don't understand right away. Had I been able to carry the baby to term, I would have gone most of the pregnancy alone. I would have been a single mother (not that there is anything wrong with that, infact I think single mom's are the strongest people out there!!) but I would not have had the support system I wanted/needed at this time. I have to take it all in while looking at the silver lining to this otherwise really crappy dark cloud.
I see it as a blessing, I know have my own personal angel up in heaven looking out for me. For his/her mommy. I hope never to go through that process, and that when my time comes to have a child of my own that my angel baby will be there to help me along the way. Until then I know that someone up there is looking out for me.
