It's weird, I've worked my "new" job for 6 months at the end of February. It's gone pretty good, the odd  hickup here and there but for the most part it's been awesome. I love my job, the people I work with, and my regular customers. I work at a Tim Horton's (canadian coffee chain that is as well known here as Starbucks is in the States really..) and I work night shift )11pm-7am). So on weekends it's a little funky because it means I end up staying up all night and sleeping much of the day.

Problem lately has been this: over night, I'm alone. I'm usually the only one up at my boyfriend's house and so my mind gets a chance to just go a mile a minute. Normally this wouldn't be a bad thing but with Valentine's day coming up, my birthday having just passed (holy crap I'm 21, I'm officially old!!) and the one year anniversary of my friend being kidnapped it's been a tough go the last little while.

Lately I've been thinking about how far I've come since a year ago. A year ago I was with Kurt, I had just left an awesome job working in a factory making $11 and hour, 40 hours a week, 5 days a week, all weekdays. It was awesome. I guess Kurt slowly wormed his way into my head and made me feel like this job wasn't for me. He was unhappy with his job and wasn't really doing anything about it, but was wanting me to be around him to validate him not being at work and the like. As such we were not in good financial spots for my birhtday nor Valentine's day. So for both we did nothing. Hell, he wasn't a big public partier, so despite turning 20 (legal drinking age here is 19) we didn't even go out for my birthday even to the bars for a drink or two. I had more to drink on my birthday with my MOM than my boyfriend.

So a year ago, to put it bluntly my birthday sucked donkey balls. We had gone to a local pub with my mom and step-dad because they were regulars there and the pub was celebrating it's 21st(?) birthday, so we thought, hey it's a good enough reason to go out, free food, free drinks, good crowd, live music etc. But Kurt wasn't into the whole large crowd thing, so he made himself miserable there and silently pressured me into leaving after only being there like an hour.

This year, Addy, (my new boyfriend of 6 months!) was working afternoon shift at his job so he was working 2-10 everyday, and I'm working 11-7. Doesn't leave much option for partying really. So he's been kinda down in the dumps about all that since well he didn't have a chance to get me a present (I could really care less) nor had a chance to take me out anywhere for my birthday. Him being so concerned about making my birthday something that I will enjoy and remember and the fact that he feels like he's letting me down really makes me smile and my heart sing. I hate seeing him beat himself up over silly crap like this, but at the same time, it shows he cares and really wants to do anything and everything in his power to make me happy.

The other thing almost constantly on my mind is what truly broke Kurt and I up. I know deep down he cheated, maybe more than just once, I'll probably never know. I've asked him point blank a few times since he and I broke up, and he always answers that no, he never cheated. I really wish he would just come out with it and say "yes, I cheated, I'm a scumbag and an asshole I'm sorry". I'm not even really looking for the apology at this point anyway. The damage is done, and he makes me sick to my stomach.

 This passed week was the 3 weeks I was supposed to go on a vacation with his family to the Carribean for his parents' 50th birthday celebration. They had been planning it since they turned 49. They decided to go on a cruise around there stopping at like a million different ports and such. I can't help but sit here and be jealous since we just finally finished digging our butts out from under a literally 1.5 foot dumping of snow overnight. It was insane. It has been windy, cold and miserable. Meanwhile they are down there and it's like +30 everyday, sunny, and well they aren't working or anything. I can't help but be a little jealous and maybe  a little resentful. But I keep reminding myself of this: I'm far better off with who I'm with now, and that there will be other vacations and cruises and stuff to go on with Addy, and that I'll probably enjoy them more anyway. He's already talking about taking me somewhere for our 1 year anniversay!!! (squee!!!!)

I guess I just have too much time late at night for my mind to think of everything that's been going on. And this last week has been one of those weeks where there's a lot of things going on, both good and bad. Thanks for letting me rant. I know Addy sometimes gets tired of listening to me go on and on bitching about what seems like everything under the sun....

So I haven't been actively on in the better part of 2 years now I guess. I've been in a relationship that was amazing for the past 3 years now. (July 2009-July 2012) Things had been amazing. He knew everything that had happened and was a huge support and just grounding rock in my life. I came leaps and bounds when it came to my healing journey. Little did I know how wrong I was.

Two weeks ago, just a week after our 3 year anniversary he goes out to coffee with a female friend. Harmless right? Not in the slightest. This girl is known for causing trouble with guys who are in relationships. And has tried to hook up (sleep with) my boyfriend. I knew about this, and well, as you would (hopefully) expect, I was NOT cool with him hanging out with her alone. When the two of us were together and I could "supervise" ok, sure fine whatever. I never wanted to be that girlfriend. The one who is constantly suspicious and doesn't let her guy go hang out with other girls. I wanted to trust him, but I never could with her, specifically I couldn't trust HER. Well he drops me off at home Sunday night (I spend weekends with him including overnights) and I find out later that he went to coffee with this girl. Didn't even bother to tell me and let me know what was going on. Well turns out coffee at the local Tim Horton's turned into "Lets hang out at the local park at 12am". Not so cool with this. Well I guess it got cold/buggy/what-the-hell-ever so hanging out at the park turned into "Lets hang out at my house. My EMPTY house". See his parents own a cottage up North and most weekends during the summer they spend up there. Well they were up for an extended weekend and wouldn't be home till Monday evening. 

So now my boyfriend and this chick are hanging out at his empty house, where there is now accountability. Anything can really happen. Understandably I am a little nervous and stressed about this situation and as in any healthy relationship there is communication. I tried to talk to him about it and have my fears put at ease. I half expected him to kind of laugh and look at me like I had grown a second head and my skin was suddenly vibrant purple with lime green spots or something. Instead he loses his mind. Freaking out on me that "I don't trust him, and he thought after 3 years of dating I would be able to trust him on everything". Well I used to, until you went behind my back you jerk. 

He dumped me. Not "lets talk about this and see if we can salvage this relationship" no wanting to try and work on things. Nope three years just done and over with. Packed up with bags of stuff (literally 3 garbage bags and various other bags that I had over there) of my stuff was packed up. Nearly half my life was over there, we were starting to make plans for me to move in with him by the end of this year and eventually move into our own place. Guess I should be happy this all happened now instead of after I moved in with him right? Always have to find that silver lining and all that stuff. 

I guess I'm just hurt. I know everyone says that "Guys are stupid and that they have too many heads, and that each brain has to fight with the other for blood supply" (I don't assume that about all guys FYI). But in this situation, I guess it could be true. I still don't know if he actually cheated on me. Frankly I don't even want to know. The worry and his freak out is clear enough to me that he felt guilty of something. Maybe not that night, but at some point during our three years together. 

This man.... scratch that, this guy, was someone I trusted, someone I shared some of my most intimate moments with, and some of my deepest darkest thoughts and secrets with and this is what I get paid back with. I'm picking up the pieces of my life and sorting through all the stuff that has been brought back to mother's house. It's a slow process, everything has a memory tied to it so there has been many tears shed in this process. But 2 weeks out and I'm feeling pretty good. I've realized that this relationship wasn't actually all that healthy. There was a lot of controlling going on. Not blatant things or anything that would have ever set off alarm bells for anyone I know, but having gotten out of it, I now see it. I also see how unhappy I actually was, and just all the stuff that he used to do that bugged the crap out of me. 

I'm a free girl now, and I'm looking to my future. My future looks bright now. I'm looking to get into an ECE (early childhood education) program at a local college next September, maybe look into doing a social work degree after that, or go into teaching and teach little kids. I haven't really decided yet. I'm young and have so many options to look to. Just have to take things one step at a time right now. Baby steps. 

so yay, I have a job. Things are awesome, I start on Friday and work most/all weekend. You'd think that's great. Only problem is we didn't talk about how much I will be making an hour. Legally I HAVE to know that before I start working, I have to sign a contract type of thing. Didn't realize this till now. So now I start stressing out about that...

That's chump change for this. So yay, Kurt got a job at at a really good factory in town, making $14 per hour and is working full time. Means we can move out even sooner. All these things are awesome.

So things are looking up for me aparently.... Then I get a phone call. I got a phone call from someone I worked with while on my co-op last semester. Turns out the dog I've been trying to adopt is being brought to another research facility and I have no chance of adopting her now. I've always been more connected to animals and can be able to feel an emotional release with an animal. This dog I was very attached to. And I'm crushed by the fact I won't have her anymore.

It seems after my rape that I'd keep going back to men that I thought were trustworthy but would just use me for sex and then toss me away. Not only that but they'd brag about it, this bragging would make it's way to my friends and they would then start attacking me.

I'm going to write more on this another day but right now it's 7:35 *eastern time* and I need to leave for school in less than a half hour and I'm not even dressed yet. Ugh school.. I should write something about that at some point....