I was nine. Yes nine years old as in almost the HUGE celebration of being double digits finally... in fact i was 3 weeks from that. When one day as I`m getting ready for bed my step brother walks into my room. He didn`t knock or anything just stepped into my room.
Imagine if you will: a nine year old girl standing in her room it`s the perfect room shelf of books posters of the boy bands all over the walls that sort of thing, then me mostly naked getting into my pajamas. My step brother who would have been around 14 at the time walks up to me with a look on his face that I now know to be malicious and full of evil but at that time I didn`t know what to think of it. He advanced on me and pushed me down onto my bed, again being as young as I was I didn`t think much of it so I thought he was just playing a game or something of that kind. He then pulls himself out of his pants and forces himself onto/into me (as you would prefer to think). He makes sure I can`t scream to alert my parents of what he is doing to me by forcing a sock or some other article of clothing into my mouth. By now I have basically blacked out from the pain and humiliation of what has happened and how I just want to escape from this and go to a happier place.
My parents realizing something was wrong come up into my room just as my brother is leaving looking worried as if he doesn`t know what has just happened to me. My parents run to me asking what is wrong and being traumatized as I am all I can do is cry and scream and point to the door then the spot where I had been standing then between my legs to show them what had happened.
That is now 7 almost 8 years ago now, and I still relive that night in my life, most night it is hard for me to sleep and get changed without locking my door with the 3 locks I have made my parents put onto my door. I have often thought since that day of ending my life. Instead of that I decided to stay strong, and fight back against him, he was charged and sentenced to a year in a juvenile detention centre and was then made to go to a councilor as was I.
I have only recently stopped counseling and though I no longer go and have structured visits we have a friendly talk on the phone or go for a quiet lunch together as more friends now than a doctor and the patient so she can check up on me.
Do I still have thoughts about killing myself? Yes I do, many times a day infact still. I was brought up in a house where sex was not to happen till you were married and all of that. Will I ever get over this? Maybe, but I am determined to possibly try and get him into court again and possibly get more from it this time. Will I forgive him? Not likely, he might be my step brother but what he did was wrong and I will never forget it, ever.
If i could say one thing to any survivor of this horrible act against us, both women and men, is fight back, bring the person to court charge him/her with assault be it sexual or not and with rape if that happened to you. You might get some closure by seeing him getting charge and convicted, maybe not, but always talk it out with a friend a family member or go to a counselor you will feel much better after. You may never heal but that little bit that the wound on your heart or maybe mind and soul will heal some and you will be able to get through it.
I have just recently met who i beleive to be my soul mate. I know it may sound cheesy. "Your only in highschool you don`t know what love is. You couldn`t even start to think what love is. Your only 16" Well I know it`s him. I told him right away my past. My suicide attempts, my habits (cutting and various other self harm things such as anna and bella if you will, you may know them better as their real names anorexia and bulimia) And instead of shying away as most of them did when they first found out, let it be months into a relationship. My first boyfriend since my attack had been almost a year till I had told him and he got disgusted by my and ran basically dumping me on the spot shattering my heart. My current boyfriend decided he should stand by me. He made sure to tell me that he couldn`t and never would hurt me. He loved me too much to try anything that he thought I might not like and would ask me if I was ok and felt ok with everything. I`ve felt more love from him and towards him than ever before. I feel safe walking into his house and spending hours with him just laying on his bed with him. Just looking at him. He knows at any time he COULD take advantage of me if he truly wanted but he doesn`t. I feel even at only 2 months into our relationship I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to start a family with him, live with him, move out of city, maybe province maybe even the country, just to leave these memories behind. I wish everyone could find a man like mine and i wish everyone on here could find a man (or woman for those men out there going through this tough life experience) so they could feel accepted and loved and know they may have been hurt by others in the past but that there are people who do care about you and wouldn`t mind killing the person who caused you all this pain for how every long it had been. I`ve been wallowing in self pity and hatred for nearly 10 years and finally in the span of 60-odd days i`ve stopped all my self hatred. Though the scars on my wrists may fade I will never forget the night i spent crying the whole night till i fell into an exhausted sleep in my man`s arms sitting on his couch holding an open pair of scissors to my wrists. I remember calling him and saying i need to be with you right now. and he came running. He doesn`t drive didn`t have money for a cab and the bus wouldn`t get him to me fast enough for him. So he ran ACROSS TOWN!! He then took me back to his place (i don`t remember how i got there mind you) and he just held me and talk with me and rocked me and offered me anything and everything i wanted if i would just stop. I insisted that i had to do this i showed him my scars and he told me and asked me what is he did it for me? would i like it if he cut my wrist? or if he started cutting his because he couldn`t help me? It`s scared me to think he might do that, because i couldn`t see him in pain and needed out like that. and it`s when i realized he loved me that much. that he`d do anything for me. He`d get shot for me, he`d jump into a burning building for me, he would do anything just to see me smile.