So ya,

It's Christmas, so the family gets together and we all eat ourselves sick and silly. Well my Christmases... well really any of those holidays, Thanksgiving, Easter, etc are hell on wheels for me. Considering my attacker is/was my step brother I've got an added layer of "fun" put into the mix. Every time we have one of these get togethers he comes over. Frankly I'm okay with that, for the most part. I realize just because he made a VERY stupid decision nearly 10 years ago doesn't mean that he should be shunned from major family events. Since my parents are split up and in different houses (finally!!) things have gotten plently different and my Dad decides to take more liberties with the legal crap we are supposed to deal with. He's technically supposed to give me 72 hours notice before my abuser even steps into the house. Granted that sometimes doens't happen since I don't live with my dad. Even a day or even early morning the day of is fine with me. I understand forgetting and being busy but telling me like half an hour before he gets here is NOT COOL!!

With Christmas and all these celebrations I've come to realize that my abuser will be in my house for an extended period of time regardless. It's a fact of life, and well as harsh as it seems... get over it. And I have. But it's now 12:23am (so after midnight) and he's STILL HERE. The rule my parents have made is he doesn't stay over night. Makes sense, he sort of sexually assaulted/abused me for months (or years, I dont' really remember it's all a blur) and then raped me, so staying the night... not happening. Which is totally fair. Now he's the only other person in the house, and by only other person I mean of the guest variety (that just sounds cruel...) Like right now there is my brother (full brother) my dad, my younger step-brother (done nothing to me other than be a dick of an older brother.. but that's expected) and him. Now during the day when there is like 15 people in the house I don't care. There's not a hope of him getting me alone and trying shit with me again. Granted I ALWAYS lock doors behind me if there is a chance of him getting me in a compromising position (bathroom, in bedroom changing or something like that) But now it's just the few of us and he can claim to be going to the washroom and try something again. And I DON'T want to allow that to happen. It terrifies me to know that we have all this legal stuff set out and now that my mother isn't involved in the situation my dad takes full advantage.

This is the upside (sort of) of the story. My Boyfriend. Is. Amazing. PERIOD! He stayed on the phone for about an hour talking to me. He parked his car down the road from my house and talked to me trying to figure out whats going to happen. If I was going to stay here, go to his house or to another house. He kept telling me what he thinks is the best idea but me being me couldn't decide what I wanted to do and kept thinking that something bad was going to happen. Frankly I HATE confrontation with my parents and with my abuser in the room makes it even worse. The fact that I was already in my pj's and ready for bed (tight form fitting tank top and pj pants ..... don't hide anything by the way) doesn't help the problem with going out there and talking to my father with Him in the room.

I ended up staying the night but they didn't leave until around 3am and I didn't get to fall asleep till atleast 4am and even then it was a very crappy nights sleep. My boyfriend is amazing and is going to help me talk to my father soon as I can because I am spending the next 2 weeks with my father and this could keep happening. Hasn't yet but we'll see.....

And so I begin to wonder where I've gotten myself.

Last night (or the night before I don't really remember) I posted a note on here, and to those who read it, thanks, to those who commented THANK YOU. You're words of encouragement mean a lot to me. It may not seem like it but they do.

One of the things with me is one of my triggers is oral sex, (i'm sorry if this is a touch of TMI but it has to be put out there for the rest of this post to make ANY sense at all...) even if it's just asking and very nicely at that. Every time I was raped/abused/assaulted etc. at some point I would be forced into performing oral sex on the person. I don't exactly find oral sex very pleasing. Although my boyfriend appreciates it when I do give him such because "I give really good head" (he's a guy, we'll forgive him for that).  But today he crossed a well known line:

We went out bowling, I didn't bowl because earlier we had been fooling around and he accidentally did something to my wrist. Nothing serious far as I can tell jsut painful and annoying as crap (ya I know I'm freaking accident prone.. story of my life) But we got bowling him, a couple of his guy friends and me. We're bowling goofing around all that good stuff. Then we pack up and get ready to leave. Only thing is we're trying to figure out what's going to happen after, are we all going to our seperate houses, getting together at one of the houses, what's the plan? Randomly my hand skims across his pants as I go to hug him, him being a guy goes "ooh" and perks up (again he's a guy we'll forgive him). Well this goes into a conversation with his friends as to why he suddenly got all excited, it then segues into oral sex (don't ask me how, it's sex related and therefore makes sense to the guys). He then makes a comment on how he really likes it and would like it more often... Bad move when surrounded by the guy friends.

So they make playful jibes about it and all this crap, I then discretely tell him that it's because I have reason to not want to. He makes some silly comment "is it because of my bush" not realizes that I'm beaing 100% serious at this point and no longer goofing off. He sort of clues in and discretely asks why and I tell him that he knows why, because when we first started dating I made it clear that I had some demons to say the least and he seemed fine and supportive. He slowly clues in and realizes what I"m talking about and that THIS is why I don't like to give oral. One of his friends asks what we're talking about. We are talking about this right infront of him but are being very quiet so he's curious and fair enough. Instead of my boyfriend "blowing it off" and saying nothing or don't worry about it, he says we were talking about what in her past stops her from giving me head"

WOAH!! RED FLAG BUDDY!! That was it, I didn't even get mad, I just shut down AGAIN. Me shutting down is a very dangerous place to be in. Because I'm not mad, I'm not sad, I'm not anything really I'm very neutral at this point. That's the place that no one who used to cut (still cuts) wants to be in, because THAT'S PART OF THE REASON WHY WE CUT!!!!!! I walk away wanting to cry but unable to because I'm angry. He follows being "the caring boyfriend" to make sure I'm ok. Not the greatest plan of all time but I'll give him credit he did realize what he'd done after he did it. I lost it on him. It wasn't the correct thing to say nor the nice thing to say for me. I'm still struggling with my past and everyday getting out of bed is a new and scary thing I'm going to be doing and I need as much help and support as I can possibly get.

I told him it wasn't ok and that he knew that. At this point I just wanted to go home. Well technically I wanted to go to his place and be alone with him to talk and to just get some reassurance that things are ok. Sadly that's not the case (otherwise I wouldn't be writing this yet). The guys make a plan to go see the new movie "Avatar". Now this isn't saying that it's a horrible movie and so forth, but I have no interest in seeing it (I don't want to see in my comments how I'm missing out and how can I not like the movie yaddy yaddy yaddy yaddy yada because that's not what we're talking about here now is it?) So he drops me off at my place with a "talk to you later love you bye" and a kiss then heads off to the movie. Low and behold there is a God! The movie was sold out once they got there. Sadly this also backfired big time...

The new plan is that they will go to the movies at 11am tomorrow and see it then. Only problem is, I was planning on going and seeing him around then. My family is split up so the holidays are a little crazy. Wednesday I go into the "big city" (Toronto) to go and see the play "Fiddler on the Roof" from there I spend overnight (23) at my grandparents with my brother, step-sister, step-dad and mother, come home on Christmas Eve and spend over night at my dad's and straight through till New Years Eve spend with my father... So technically the next time I'll see my boyfriend is probably New Years when we do our own celebration stuff. We had already talked about getting together tomorrow but no his friends are suddenly more important than me. Just a teeny bit annoying if I do say so.

Anyways that's all from me for now... Probably more to come in the next few days... oh forgot to mention.... I get so spend 3 whole days with my rapist!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY, can I please die now? Instead of locking myself in a room for 3 days... hell I've shut down far enough as it is... I'm unstable enough already I will do it, and have done it before..

So it's Christmas time, or if you don't celebrate Christmas, time for your holiday since there are like 10 holidays for this time of the year. Normally everyone is very happy and excited making lists of the things they want and going shopping for their friends/family members. Me not so much.

I've had flashbacks all week. Recently in one of my classes in school we are doing seminars where for a half hour a student is the teacher and tlaks about a social issue. Someone did incest. I have no problem with this because I need to keep an open mind. She opened up with the question to the class of "what was your worst experience as a kid?" How do I tell a class of my peers many of which I've known for years that I was raped? Everyone else said, they got lost, they got attacked by a dog or nearly did. Etc. All minor to me. Major things to them but to me they seem like nothing. I've been lost in a mall, had a "big scary dog" lunge at me. Yes those things are scary but people don't understand rape, and molestation.

I felt terrible I had flash backs and broke down. I started crying. I ran out of the classroom bawling because I was terrified of my memories. I started this week feeling amazing. In a couple days that all went down the crapper. I'm not feeling scared and miserable. I've nearly started my self destructive ways. It's scary because I've gone such a far way from that. I haven't cut in nearly 6 months. Considering I started that with a suicide attempt and now I'm cut free for months is amazing for me, but that one little question. Just 10 seconds of thought I'm now back at square one and have no where to turn to. My boyfriend tries but he doesn't understand. He's doing the best that he can but I've withdrawn and I feel terrible. He thinks he's losing me, and he is, I've started to withdraw from everyone. I want to cut, but know I shouldn't, so I take myself away from people. I spend time with him and I just end up sitting on the other side of the couch from him wrapped tightly in a blanket and curled up. Normally I snuggle up to him and fall asleep in his arms and cry because I'm so happy. I'll sit in one of the reclining chairs and have his 2 dogs (adult pug and puppy maltese shih tzu) cuddle up by my legs and they'll sleep by my legs and i'll fall asleep petting them. I can't even have them near me. I don't know why because normally I find that animals help me. I need help.

Please guys help me!! I'm getting desperate! and I'm fearing for all my relationships with people

Le sigh,

Continuation of my little escapade with the hospital.....

So after seeing my doctor being told to go to the ER, and the million hours of waiting in a VERY uncomfortable chair. Not to mention the annoying pee test (oh the dignity...) plus numurous vials of blood taken. They decide it would be a good idea to take me down to get an ultrasound... oh wait that's right, my side feels like I've been stabbed a billion times with a red hot firey poker! So they then decide to put me on morphine to kill the pain before sending me to the ultra sound, plus there was a wait to get into the ultrasound so it would make sitting in said very uncomfortable plastic chair a teeny weeny bit more bearable.... barely...

So they tell me they are going to put the IV in my wrist.... but before doing so I needed to change into a hospital gown.... What hospital gowns and and IV had to do with anything really beats me since I was still in the ER and wasn't really admitted yet. But I digress. So i strip down, (infront of my mother because they needed to make sure I didn't fall over..... I was in pain people not drunk or high!!!!) and get into the gown. Why the heck do they put the ties up at the back?!?! The little bow/knot digs into your spine and hurts like a son-of-a-*****! Plus they don't close completely so your butt and any other things (guys think your little men down there) are fully on display if you go anymore than at a snails pace walking.... So I'm sitting there on a hospital gurney, knots digging into my spine freaking out because they are about to stick a gigantic needle into my hand and then all sorts of stuff, and this nurse comes in and sees me freaking the heck out. Thank God for this woman. She tells me that she's ok if I cry, yell, swear, and even scream!! I swear this woman is like God in nurse form! So she tells me she won't do anything till my mom is back (my mom went to take a pee.... how convenient mother... I'm just going to get jabbed with a 4 inch needle in my hand and have them keep it there for the next 4 days, nothing big....) Once my mother decides to come back, the nurse takes my hand tells me to take a deep breathe (hard enough as is since I'm in searingly horrible pain from my appendix) and to hold my mother's hand (with my other hand of course....) and on the count of three there will be a small pinching feeling in my hand.

Not so much! Said "little pinching pain" was more like stabbing yourself in the hand with a fork. And this pain didn't go away after a couple minutes. Oh no this pain went on for like the 8 hours.... This is where I tell you that I'm all over 100 pounds when I'm soaking wet right out of the shower.... So my hands are rather boney and "dainty" as my mother put it. So every little beat of my heart sent blood pumping through my veins and arteries and caused the IV needle to pulse with it, moving it around and causing such lovely pain... and then there's the fact that there was liquid being forced none to gently into my vein or artery or what ever the heck she shoved the bugger into which burned like crazy because someone decided it would be a good idea to store liquid morphine IN THE FRIDGE!!!! This makes it burningly cold going into your body with your blood!! So then I'm holding my hand tight so I'm shaking less due to the pain, causing less shifting of the IV and the nurse decides that I should probably let go of the hand and rest the hand with the IV in it on a pillow, I didn't think so, I liked where my hand was and it made me comfortable. So after a 20 minute yelling match in the ER waiting room she gives up. 4 hours later I'm still in pain but oddly enough my hands, face, and feet are all funny feeling. I guess I don't react to morphine like "normal" people do, and it's not a pain killer for me it just makes me feel funny.

Now this whole time I've forgotten that I was wearing my contact lenses as opposed to my regular glasses. By now the IV is in and taped like mad crazy to my hand and I can't move it, you need 2 hands to put in/remove contact lenses from off your eyeball.... So I toddle into the bathroom, dragging my IV pole with me and trying to keep from giving everyone in the ER a free show of my bare butt with my mother behind me laughing like crazy to take my lenses out... So 45 minutes later and a million times poking myself in the eyes the contacts are out and I've got my glasses on. And I sit back down in my chair.

I'll leave it at that, hopefully in the next day or two I'll get the ultra sound story up here because it's even funnier than this one.... I get even more sarcastic! Oh? You guys thought THIS entry had lots of wit and sarcasm just you wait! It won't be up tomorrow since I'm moving my father from one house to another, but I may have some spare time tonight to start typing it up and possibly get it up here. There are still atleast 2 or 3 more stories, "the ultrasound from hell" "The waiting game and surgery pre/post op" and then "Recovery the final chapter, sort of" 

So it's been a while since I last wrote on here....

Those of you wondering whats up with my status over the past couple of months (when I do decide to update it..) it talks about hospital and surgery and pain and all this stuff. Well late August I started feeling major pains in my lower right side (around my hip bone- ish) after nearly 3 days of dizzyness nausea and barely eating or drinking I started to "walk funny" (I was leaning to my right side as I walked also hunched over because it relieved some pain). My mom asked me if I wanted to see the doctor. Please note I'm terrified of doctors and hospitals etc. After nearly 3 hours of denial that I'm sick I realized this level of pain isn't normal, even for me who gets bad cramps during my cycle (sorry if that's TMI)

Went to the doctor low and behold 2 minutes later he tells me he's 99% sure it's my appendix but can't do any tests at the office so go to the emergency room at the hospital. So now we run home expecting the worst leave some phone messages etc with family and loved ones and pack some overnight junk and amusement crap (we had no idea how long we'd be there for... oh health care system how we love thee!!). So nearly 6 needle pricks a pee test (yay dignity!!) and a very painful ultra-sound (more on that on a later entry because that's an adventure in and of itself folks!!) we find out yes indeedy it's my appendix being a jerk and it'll have to come out.

During this whole time my boyfriend is moving across town and I was supposed to help him with the move. He shows up at the hospital and stays there nearly the entire time I'm there. He loves me soo much I hope everyone out there finds a guy/girl as good as mine.

It's surgery time and I'm being wheeled down the way to surgery and I'm bawling, did I mention I HATE pain, terrified of needles and surgery and cutting into me by other people???? And everyone gives me a hug and a kiss, and I have my mom on one side, my boyfriend on the other and I'm not letting go. I've got my aunt at the foot of my bed and everyone is holding hands and we all say a prayer and I lose it even worse.

I'll end it there and continue with this later in other entries because it's late for me (10:35 pm) and I am up for school at 6am for my co-op and I've already had a terrible morning this morning and am exhausted. So goodnight PWP I shall talk with you soon as I can! xoxo

Ps: more adventures with me and the hospital coming soon.....

pps: expect more general entries soon and more constant. I miss being able to blog on here without scrutiny!

 !#$%^!?$%^!$%^!#$^%!^*(&!$65145!$%&!*(%

Ugh. I hate OCD. (obsessive compulsive disorder) All day I've been in anxiety. Nothing is in order nothing is clean everything that I work so hard to make sure isn't there. I hate living with this.

For those of you who don't understand OCD here's a brief explanation.

Those of us with OCD have different triggers. Some are germaphobes. Some count some need things lined up. It all depends on the person. I'm sadly a mix of about a million different triggers. When things aren't the way they like/need things to be we get into a state of high anxiety. This can just be aggravation and being tense all the way to being extremely irritable violent or get to the point of crying and/or hysterics.

I'm big on things being clean, (I carry multiple small bottles of hand sanitizer and those little wipes) things lining up labels out etc, and doors being closed. When I got up this morning NOTHING WAS RIGHT! I've been running around all morning trying to get everything done but each pass I make I find something more, I feel my hands are dirty and have to wash them again. 

This sucks. I have no way to control this. Where I live there is no one who can help me. No one specializes in the field of OCD. And I don't do medications! That's a huge thing I'm again. I have a fear of things going wrong with medications. I've seen/heard of people having really bad reactions to prescription medications and I'm not wanting that to happen to me. I want my anxiety and OCD "ticks" (as I call them) to go away. I need them to go away they're slowly destroying my life. I don't know what to do anymore because I need to get things done and I can't.

I'm supposed to be going out today to pamper myself because my boyfriend is coming home from Ireland tomorrow. I want to get my nails done (mani/pedi) go for some tanning (since weather here has sucked and I can't get a decent day of sunlight) and get a hair cut and maybe some new colour. I'm terrified that I'm going to end up getting some kind of germ on me and I'm going to be dirty. I hate this and it scares me. I'm never able to go out and pamper myself without being afraid and anxious about something. Hope things get better as I go about my day and everything!!

I don't think I can do this......

My boyfriend is in Ireland for the next 10 or so days. I'm not sure how much he'll be able to get on the computer to send me emails and such. It sucks because at this point it's just been about 6 hours since I last saw him, as he was driving away after dropping me off at work and I was crying like a blubbering idiot in the parking lot at work. Sadly after that he had to leave right away for the airport. About half an hour ago his plane took off. Did I mention I'M EFFING TERRIFIED OF PLANES!!! I'm so stressed out because I'm a person who's worried about any and all possibilities of something going wrong. I think of even the smallest of things. I'm worried that something is going to go wrong with his flight. It's between 6 and 8 hours, overnight and all that gross-ness. I really wish he didn't have to go or that atleast he could bring me with him. Sadly my work and finances wouldn't have allowed that anyways. Although only being 17 and not legal to drink at the pubs...and his family intends to do a full night of pub crawling I'd sort of be screwed that night. I can't wait till he's back. I miss him so much right now.

 So yesterday my new boyfriend and his family took me to this local festival. It was an italian festival held by the local Italian Canadian Club. First of all WHAT IS WITH ROLLING CHEESE DOWN A STREET?! I don't get it!!!! That was one of the events that was held that my boyfriends brothers participated in. I'm not sure why they do it but it was kind of fun(ny) Managed to avoid heat/sun stroke (yay) and I think even his brothers love me! But we're one day closer to him leaving for Ireland. I'm happy he's going, I've heard all sorts of stories from people who've gone to Ireland and that it's really fun. It's hard for me because I get attached really easily to people which will make Friday really hard for me. I seem to have gotten a little burnt but that's fine, because I'm a person who doesn't burn too badly but when I do it turns right into a nice tan. I'm really happy things went really well yesterday and I even have some awesome cheese at my house....yes the cheese was rolled down a street, still weird to me but hey it's good cheese!!

 NEW BOYFRIEND!!!!!

Alright so I've had this boyfriend for maybe 4 days now. But I think I've found him. (Ya I know maybe a little early to know we're actually good for each other but what ever!!) His parents have already met me and pretty much love me. First day I was at his house I met his mother and after I left she kept asking questions about me. Something she's apparently never done with any of his previous girlfriends (makes me feel special). Sadly he's going away to Ireland this Friday for 2 weeks. I'm going to miss him sooooooo much. I'm excited to see him once he gets back though. After two weeks of separation I think we'll be even closer than we were before. I'm going with him and his family today to a local festive thingy. Hopefully it doesn't rain, and hopefully I don't get heat stroke as I seem to be way to prone to it. Maybe I won't be sunburnt as well!! Plus now I'm meeting the rest of his family, his older brothers (he's the baby of his family!!) I've heard a bunch about his brothers but have never met them before and I've known this guy for easily 3-5 years. Wish me luck on making a good impression!!

Bless

V

 Alright, so last email David sent out talked about this endeavour that I'm doing.

It's a book of submissions from people on here who have struggled with self-harm. This ranges from the simplest of things all the way up to and including attempting suicide. I'm trying to gather submissions from people on here. There's already a group set up on here called Self-Harm. I'm trying to reach out to others on here who had problems with self-harm or those who are still struggling. I know I've struggled with it and it's not easy. I had to go it alone. Let me tell you it's not easy. My parents didn't understand why, or how to deal. They basically said stop now it's not good. But didn't support my attempts to stop, they just pressured me into stopping. This book and this group is to help people, in a caring a loving way. The best way to quit something successfully is with positive comments of "you can do it" "you're stronger than this" etc. I'm hoping that soon I'll be getting a large number of submissions from writing this, because currently I just have 2 submissions (not including my own) and it's not enough to create a book. Within the group I'm taking ideas for themes and ways to do layouts etc. 

If you want to send in a submission you can send it to pwphelpbook@gmail.com  It goes straight to me, it's 100% confidential no one other than me will see it, if I want to use it to have an example for the submissions I'll ask you before hand. I've said before that this can be a poem, a story, a combination etc. What everyone is thinking is that someone writes a poem or sends in a drawing (what ever you want) and then writes a short story about this is why i started to cut and i'm still struggling or I've stopped cutting and I haven't for "X" years. (Now this isn't JUST for people who cut). You can also use your real name or use the user name you have on here or another name you have that you'd like. (IE Violet isn't my real Name but it's what I'm using for my submission) Hopefully putting this out there will help me get more submissions!!

Bless,

V

It went surprisingly well. Thank god. There are no marks on my arms (well other than old marks that can't be gotten rid of but that's another story....)

People basically avoided me if i told them to leave me alone. And happily so. My step brother wasn't even there...which is always a good thing for me. I never want to see him again!! As it happens this weekend was the weekend that I had my parenting class baby project. (those who don't know it's a doll that is like a real baby and cries and needs feeding changing rocking etc etc etc.) Didn't get much sleep was stressed and emotionally strung out from here in Canada all the way to China (that's a good distance LOL). There were times I wanted to give up on everything just from the pure level of stress there was on me. I managed to get through it all with only a few tears shed... ok there were a few more than a couple tears. Stress does very unpleasent things to me. I get emotionally insane. I was saying things to my mother I wouldn't normally say because I was so exhausted and emotionally unstable. Imagine sleeping an hour every 4 hours. That's what I did all weekend. If I wanted a nap at 2pm because I'd been up for over 12 hours at that point with only an hour or so of sleep, didn't happen. the second I closed my eyes, the baby would cry because she needed something. What it was I had to play the guessing game as to what she wanted but eventually would figure it out. After that there would be a string of other things that I needed to do for her to eventually get her to calm down and go back to sleep. By that point I was REALLY tired and wanted to sleep but was to high strung to sleep. I'm living off of pure will power and coffee. That makes for a very unstable me....

I think I'm going to go for a nap now....oh wait I have math class now I CAN'T SLEEP!! and then I have to work. Today is going to be really fun....NOT!! again with the wishing me luck. Today will be more interesting than I think this weekend and my Mother's day stress.

V

So it's mother's day this weekend. This means my father (father to the person who raped me) is having the family over. This also includes the guy who raped me. I'm scared. Everytime he's in my house I'm terrified. I spend hours locked in my room with the dead bolt locked. More often than not it turns to me cutting. I want to enjoy mother's day with my mom because she's helped me through all of this. She's been the only thing that was constant in my life when it seemed like I had no control. Wish me luck for this weekend. 

You came into my room that night. Why? I do not know. You never told me what you were doing. Only now do I know that it was wrong. I lost my trust in you, and men in general. You snatched away my childhood. Something I'd only just started living. Why did you do that? How could you?

I wish I could turn back time. Make sure it didn't happen. Stop you from making that decision. Stop me from allowing it. If only it hadn't happened. We could have had a different friendship, our lives would have been vastly different. Less time wasted, less life wasted. Less blood poured from my scarred wrists. I wear this sleeve of lines upon my arm as a reminder of the pain you caused to me. Hours spent talking and writing and drawing. All in vain. Money poured away into counselling sessions I didn't want or need. The legal junk that hasn't done anything. All I want is for you to tell me why you did it.

Do I forgive you? No, you look so much from me. And for what? A moment to feel macho and manly because you could over power someone? One day I might be able to look you in the eye and say it's ok, I forgive you, I'm not mad. But it's been nearly 10 years. And I still can't look at you and say I love you without feeling my stomach clench and feel the need to throw up because you just cause me to feel sick when you're in the room. 

 The blade, it has become my only true friend.