I don't know anymore.
two of my best friends just had kids within the last few months. I'm torn. I know I'm only 18, I'm young. I understand that. I also understand that a baby doesn't solve any problems. IT can also ruin a teenaged relationship blah blah blah. And most of all, they're bloody expensive. I understand all that. But seeing all these people having children just kicks my maternal instincts into overdrive. I just recently got out of a pregnancy scare. Well to be more accurate, I just lost my baby. I was maybe 6-8 weeks along would be my guess when I misscarried. I'm not sure what happened and I'm heartbroken.
I am on birthcontrol (the pill) in the hopes of putting off a child, but it doesn't help squash my feelings and drive to have a kid right now. I'm just so conflicted and for nearly no reason. I know a baby is not a good thing right now. I'm graduating highschool this year, I'm out of a job (got laid off) and all this stuff and my boyfriend JUST got a job and all this stuff but I can't help but see all these people around me having kids. Co-workers from old jobs are having kids, people from school are having kids. It just seems like I'm surrounded by women I am close with having children and I'm just left out of the baby party if you will. I guess part of it is the remaining imbalance of hormones left over from the pregnancy I just lost, but I think there's more to it than that. I just wish this feeling would go away.
I learned an old aquantance of mine had an abortion recently. She already had one kid when she was young and screwed up and got pregnant with another. She took the easy way out. I was pissed. Here I am, with millions of women around the world who wouldn't mind a kid but are misscarrying the child they just conceived. I was pissed. I'm pro-choice, I think it is the mother's choice to do what's best. I know if I had been pregnant and going through with the birth etc. would have possibly killed me and/or the baby anyway I know I'd probably terminate, or if there were other circumstances (ie, pregnant by rape. not that those who have children conceived out of rape are any less of an amazing person for raising this tiny life who was conceived in such violent ways infact i tip my hat to those women.) but she didni't even consider adoption. Juswt made an appointment and *poof* no baby anymore. I don't know, I think i'm just rambling and letting my hormones get the best of me....
Ok, some of you may remember between February and June of this year I was posting lots of poetry and stuff from my creative writing class. Well at one point we had to write an autobiography. I decided that instead of doing the fluff stuff everyone else was doing (family trips, pets, etc.) I was going to do things that were actually like life changing. In there I including my rape and sexual abuse.
My teacher assured us many times throughout the entire semester that none of this work would leave the classroom (not literally but in the sense that he wouldn't show it to anyone else). So I felt free to write about what I wanted. Holy shit was I ever led astray. I found out in one of the huge fights my mother and I over the summer that he had shown her nearly all my poetry and my entire autobiography.
For those you haven't read my poetry, go and do, but it isn't for the feint of heart. Some of it is very gruesome and descriptive. I'm not going to lie, I was in a VERY dark place. Like suicidal levels of dark. But I wasn't crying out for help. Being creative is my way of dealing with things. I dance, I draw, I write. It's how I vent. I'm not the best person when it comes to talking face to face. Infact I hate talking to people because I never seem to be able to get my meaning across because I lose the words I'm looking for. But with a creative medium I'm able to search for what I"m looking for till I find it.
So she saw all these poems. About how I felt unneeded/hated at my house, under appreciated, like I was Cinderella. All these things. My mother basically in this fight threw that at me and caught me off guard. My trust in a TEACHER was shattered. I used to love this teacher. I thought him one of the most awesome teachers in the English department at my high school. He was one of the oldest and was like the grandpa of the school. Most students were extrememly comfortable going and talking to him about problems more so than any of the CYC's or social workers we have in the guidance department.
Couple weeks ago my mom and I were talking. We're on pretty good terms now. I wouldn't say back to where we were but pretty close now. She told me again that she'd seen a lot of the work I'd done in my creative writing class, and that she wanted to know what some of them were about, if it was just me being creative (since it was a creative writing class....) or if I was actually writing something as a cry for help. Since it wasn't actually a cry for help I told her that it was because it was because it was a creative writing class. Not a total lie, it was a venting place for me and it helped.
At some point she ended up onthe topic of my autobiography. She told me that my memories weren't correct and she wants to talk to me about what I remember and what was the truth. I'm sorry, were you there when it all went down mom?! NO I didn't f****** think so! Besides what does it matter to you mom. Yes, he sexually assaulted/molested me. BUt you have no idea what else happened. I never told you what else happened. Why would it matter to you if I thought of it as a rape anyway mom. It's still taken over my life basically. Whether it was technically rape or not doesn't matter, I feel I was mentally/emotionally raped, and that my childhood was also raped. That's not even including the actual fact that I was raped. At 9 years old, I didn't know what it was called, and I saw how upset you were when you found out he was "touching" your baby girl. IT would have crushed me more than it already had to have told you the full extent of what happened. So I never told you. I'm sorry I never did, but at this point I don't think I ever will tell you exactly what happened because you have your nice little reality and don't seem to want to accept I might have my own reality.
I just don't get it!! You were kicked out of your house for being gay, we took you in. Things got better so you moved back home. A year later you were kicked out again (or left w/e) because it was getting abusive, we had moved to a smaller house but we still let you live with us. It destroyed my relationship with my mother and brother. It lead my brother down the road I never wanted him to go down, the road of suicidal level depression and cutting. I've watched him slowly sink into that hole that never seems to end. I was seriously scared for him. And still am.
The relationship with my mother went from nearly indestructible to literally nothing. We couldn't be in the same room without the air being so thick with tension you could literally cut it with a knife. But we all put up with it because you needed a place to stay, because it was that, live at home (and be abused) or live on the streets. Our house was the best option yet it practically destroyed what life I had built up around me.
I went into one of the deepest darkest depressions I've been in, in a long time. I think the only reason why I didn't a) run away from home b) kill myself is because of my boyfriend and his family. I had no mother (but was forced to live there) my possition as her eldest child was basically torn away from me by my best friend, and I didn't have much of a relationship with my father at this time. I felt totally alone. And it was my fault, because I allowed you to shove your way into this world I had created.
Then you come out with the story about how you were abused. Your dad was everything from physically abusive including neglectful, emotionally abusive, but somehow wasn't sexually abusive? It doesn't add up. If someone is going to abuse that much, why wouldn't they complete the trifecta. I've never heard of this. Plus your dad was always around our house spending time with you. You had the best time when he was around. For Christmas and your birthday things like that you'd get gifts from him and it seemed to be the best gifts you'd ever get were from him. It didn't make sense. Plus you were the happiest person on the planet. Not at all bitter or angry at the fact that you had "such a terrible childhood". You even compared yours to mine! You fucking prick! You weren't raped, let alone raped by your oldest brother. How dare you say you're childhood was worse than mine. I don't think your's is worth peanuts when compared to the shit I deal with everyday.
My mother went out of her way to provide you with what your mother had neglected to give you and wouldn't give you. She reserved an entire section of a busy downtown bar in the city for your 19th b-day. Didn't invite me. But whatever. If you ever needed anything and didn't have the money you'd come to my mom and she'd get it for you as soon as possible. If I asked her, I'd get a roll of the eyes, and a "you have a job, why can't you get it yourself?!"
We helped you pack and move 8+ hours north to get you to your "awesome amazing university where you could start a new life". Did I ever get a thankyou? No. I'm hurt. I opened my life to you, thought I could trust you. You lived in my fucking house for a year you dill-hole. Anytime you come back to town I don't even get a hello. Not on a facebook message/wall post, or a text message, not even a fucking email. What kind of appreciation is that shit?! You know what:
You slimy son-of-a-bitch. I'm tired of your bullshit. Next time "mommy abused me" I'm going to say "ya, ok what do you want me to do about it? You're a big boy stand up to her!" and walk away because I'm done with you. I bent over backwards for you like a million times and I am now totally blown off for your new university friends. Oh, I forgot to mention, I saved your ass from all the homophobic threats on your life by reporting them to the principal. I risked my ass to save yours. And again I got no thank you for that either.....
So here's my final goodbye...
Fuck you you alcoholic homosexual asshole. I never want to see or hear from you ever again. I can't fucking stand you. I'm so done with you.
I guess I don’t know why I’ve been having nightmares almost every night. It’s starting to really get to me. It’s been nearly 3 weeks and they don’t stop. It used to be when I spent the weekend at my boyfriend’s house, I felt safe enough that these dreams would leave me alone. But that is no longer.
This weekend on Sunday morning I apparently started freaking out in my sleep. It started just as sort of a twitch. He thought nothing of it, we twitch in our sleep. Reactions to an itch or something tickling us in our sleep, or the reaction to something going on in our subconscious (like a dream) only thing is a few minutes later I twitched again. Then it became almost seizure like. Only it wasn’t a seizure. Not nearly as active and “spazzy” as a seizure. Plus it almost seemed calm, if you can describe it as such. I was whimpering a little, not actually saying anything, but thing a puppy crying because he/she is scared of a thunderstorm, those were the sounds I was making. Just small little whimpers of fright. Again nothing crazy like I normally have during a nightmare. Then to finish the trifecta my breathing changed. Again nothing that would be alarming and 911 (emergency response) call worthy, but alarming for me/us. It stopped being the calm rhythmic deep breathing of sleep and this very almost violent puffing. The kind you get when you breathe through your nose during a really heavy work-out. The kind where your nostrils flare like crazy and you can hear it rasping in and out. On top of that, it was gaspy. It wasn’t regular one time it would be a very quick breathe the next would be a little slower. There was no rhyme or reason to the way I was breathing. Other times I’d just sort of stop breathing for a short while and then start again as if nothing happened.
I guess all this scared my boyfriend. I feel bad because I guess I pulled away from him in fright in my dream. He said he tried pulling me close and making him know it was him who was trying to hold me and not someone else. HE was telling me it was him (using his name) and that I was home and in bed and I was safe. All these things, using pet names, anything you’d consider to be comforting. Sounds, scents, names, textures (he always has a good amount of stubble and he ran my hand over that) you name it to try and snap me out of this. Nothing worked. Only problem was that it was starting to get bad. I was fighting an imaginary force. Something was attacking me in my dream and in reality I was trying to fight it.
He had one option, the worst option of all to wake someone from a bad dream. He had to violently shake me and literally scare me out of my dream. Thankfully he woke me, but I was terrified. I had no idea where I was or if I was safe. Each time this happens when I wake up, I will burrow my head/face incase what I just experienced wasn’t a dream. So I wasn’t aware I was at home, things smelt weird, just everything wouldn’t connect which was probably even more scary.
I think the worst part is the fact that I don’t even remember these dreams. I don’t remember I had them, I just wake up terrified for “no apparent reason” and feel exhausted. For three weeks I wake up in the morning just as tired, if not even more tired than I was when I went to bed. I’m having issues at work, and at school, and this is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m getting worried it’s going to tear us apart. Every time these nightmares start again it means one of two things, I’m headed for a huge set back, or it’ll continue until I’m literally exhausted and sleep for an entire day. If it’s another set back, I don’t know waht I’m going to do. I can’t have another set back. The last set back was bad enough. I don’t know what to do, I;m afraid to go to sleep everynight now. No matter where I am, not even a midday nap is safe anymore, no matter where I sleep. I need help!!
So after giving it a lot of thought I know what my first tattoo is goingn to be. Before anyone says anything, it's something that means something to me. The only problem is I need help.
Everyone knows of the pink breast cancer awareness ribbons? Basically everything has one now (to my knowledge) and I wanted to know what colour rape and sexual abuse awareness had, I've googled it (is that even a verb....?) and I found this light blue, almost turqoiuse coloured one. But at the same time I found a bunch of other colours and I was very confused by it all... So is it the light blue? I don't want to get this tattoo and find out it's like bright yellow or something...
Underneath this tattoo I'm getting a stylized "1999" to signify the year it happened. I may (if the artist agrees and thinks it would look good..) make the numbers look like they are out of barbed wire or something. Under that it will say
"Never give up, never back down"
It's a motto I've lived by the past few years. IT's to say that we need to be strong and stand up to the person/people that did this to us. By giving up we let them win yet again. They had already taken something from us, by raping/sexually abusing us, but by giving up to the saddness and unhappyness it causes we let them win yet again. Now all I need is to figure out what colour the ribbon is, and get the appointment and money together... This could be awesome!!
Oh, thought I'd say where it's going... Back of my neck. I've got fairly long hair, so if I wanted to hide it, I could very easily, even if my hair is up.
So back to my last message on here...
I'm almost 100% positive I'm pregnant. I know last time I said the same thing and it was a false alarm. But the thing is since we found out (a year ago) that I have ovarian cysts, my doctor told me to try and keep track of my periods and to figure out when I'm ovulating, most fertile etc. Just so I knew when I had to start preparing for the pain my cycle brings each month. Well about a month ago I'd lost track of my cycle and apparently got a little careless with my boyfriend. When I went back and calculated everything, we had had sex when I was REALLY fertile. We're 18 and 20 we aren't the best at always remembering condoms right away. This was the case.
Now I'm near constantly tired, bordering on exhausted and no amount of sleep helps. Yesterday i got over 12 hours of continual sleep over night but had to lay down for another 2 hours for a nap part way through the day. My lower back has been bugging me, nothing overly bad but bad enough it's getting irritating. Same with my stomach. It's nothing overly bad, I can still function through day to day, and it seems like it gets better when I lay down. It's in my upper abdomen (if that's relivant) sort of just below my rib cage. Again it just feels like I've eaten too much over dinner and am bloated but nothing I can't handle. I haven't even needed to take anything like advil to help with the cramping.
My period was "supposed" to start on the 10th of this month, but its already come and gone. Normally I get fairly violent periods, when it basically puts me in bed the first day, with severe nausea, cramps etc. And is just a bloody painful mess of terrible that lasts between 6 and 10 days on average. Yet this tip-toed in, without a single cramp or anything... infact I would have gone to work on Friday (nearly a week early for my period) without knowing it had started. I could basically go an entire day without needing to change anything and it was gone by Sunday night/Monday morning. Again tip-toed away as quietly as it had started when normally this thing steam rolls over me and leaves me wondering what the hell just hit me.
Ontop of all over this I am starting to look rather bloated and round. My boyfriend hasn't noticed anything other than me being really sensitive emotionally and my back/stomach bothering me. Me taking naps often when I'm spending time with him isn't out of the ordinary. Having school and work, and a shitty home situation doesn't make for the best nights sleep. So I often take a nap. I just feel all around strange. I don't feel like myself right now. I'm excited for the possibility of being pregnant. At this point I can't live at my mother's house (lord only knows the things she'll say about me if this is true and I tell her) plus there isn't the room or anything for me to have a baby there. Same goes for my father's house, there just isnt' enough room, plus one of my step-brothers lives there and has some mental issues and I'd rather not expose my child to that in the off chance something terrible happened. So that leaves me with my boyfriend's house. It could work... if we needed to as a last resort. But his room is across the hall from his parent's room. As much as we would have the space for a crib and a change table etc in his room, I just don't think his parents would appreciate the "constant" noise from a baby when they need to be getting to work in the morning.
As far as I can tell moving out into our own apartment wouldn't be an option, I'm barely working (one shift a week if I"m lucky... I've had the last 3 out of 4 weeks without a shift) and my boyfriend doesn't work. The fact that we'll have to buy the stuff for this baby is bad enough, not to mention the fact that we'd have to pay rent and buy groceries etc.
At this point it's not looking good.. while sort of looking good.
My mother will disown me most likely, but meh, I disowned her months ago.
Well I'm back at THIS crossroads again. How I could be so stupid to let it happen for a second time... I don't know. Nothing is confirmed yet, but we'll see, I'm almost 100% positive though because of how I'm feeling.... I haven't told anyone yet... It scares the hell out of me. I don't have my mother anymore she has basically abandoned me. My dad lives on the other side of town, and Kurt's parents are at the cottage for another full week. It's too early to actually be able to tell anything but I'm getting worried. I can't let people down again, I still have school to attend in September. I'm so screwed it's not even funny, and it's all because I didn't remember to tell him before we started....
.........I think I'm pregnant for real this time..........
I've been thinking long and hard about this. I still don't know though.
After taking a friend into my family house nearly a year ago because his parents weren't supportive of him coming out and saying he was gay, and they were becoming abusive, he started motivational speaking. He claims to have been abused from an early age (as early as he remembers.. he also muses it may have happened basically since he was born). He claims to have been abducted by his birth father (divorced family with a step-father). He was emotionally and physically abused by said man. Apparently was locked in a bath room for an entire night, no food, and another time was strapped down to a bed all night/day with no food, water, chance for bathroom etc. Among other things. This guy is now 19. I have my doubts about his story. I just know from my experiences with my rape, sexual abuse, and just life experiences with what has happened to me, I'm a really bitter and cynical person. I'm not really that easy to get along with and I don't try to make it easy to get around the wall(s) I've put up around me. Yet this kid is as happy as a 6 year old with a $100 budget at the worlds largest and best candy store. It just doesn't add up to me.
He seems too good to be true. He's always been a kid trying to be in the spot light in life. The back of my mind says he's doing this for more attention. I know there are some people who do that. I wouldn't put it past him to do that. It worries me that he is making his life seem so much worse than it actually is and parading it around to make money. But what ever. I don't buy into it. I have no proof that what he says is a complete fabrication but I have my doubts about it based on the kind of person he is now.
Now I come to the "real" reason why I decided to write this.
Having him practice and bounce ideas off me got me thinking. I have a pretty "awesome" story. One of tragedy and stuggle and overcoming it. I've battled with my rape and sexual abuse. Coming to terms with what happened to me. Making bad choices with my body. I battled anorexia for a bit, I cut, I was suicidal, all with my family basically abandoning me. But finding the family I'd lost in my boyfriend's family.
I just worry the world isn't ready for something so shocking. Right now school is out so I can't talk to the CYC at my school for his take on this. Hell he doens't even know what happened to me yet and I've been talking to him since my friend moved in. It just worries me that people won't respond to it the way I'd like them to. Plus I don't know if I'M really ready to do it.
I've written some things down as ideas. I thought if I did this I'd start out "light" and ask general questions. For the people in the audience that this question applied to, I'd ask to stand up, or raise their hand or something. Easy questions, do you have siblings, older, younger. Any pets, divorced family. Etc. Etc. Things that in a way relate to my story. Then getting into slightly more uncomfortable topics, feeling not good enough, having your heart broken, done something you regret. Then my last question would be something about remembering something about being nine years old.
For those who haven't read my story, I was raped 2 months after my ninth birthday. I remember nothing about that year of my life, except that I was raped and sexually abused for a few months after. What I would likely do is ask that question and since it doesn't apply to me I would sit down on the stage. This would probably confuse most people, which is the angle I would be going for because then I can get right into my story of my struggles.
At the same time I don't want to make this thing all about me. I want to turn it into a talk about being accepting. That we all have had problems in our lives. some worse than others, but when a friend says they need to tell you something that you should listen. That you should be supportive and try and help someone. If someone looks like they are having a bad day, tell them they look good, or give them a hug or something because that tiny gesture could just save someone's life.
Because that's what happened to me. In grade 10 I made a bad decision that was covered in another message entry, where I had sex with what I thought was my friends EX-boyfriend and the next time I saw this girl she started whipping pennies at me hard enough they left welts for a few days. I nearly left the school and was thinking of ways that I could kill myself the quickest. A girl I KNEW of very vaguely saw how upset I was and came to my rescue. She ran after me and practically tackled me at the top of the stairs to give me a hug and dragged me back down to hang out with them. I want to show the world that terrible things do happen, that we need to open our eyes, allow people to talk about what has happened to them and not feel ashamed or scared. That's why we lose so many beautiful people every year to suicide. Something terrible happens to them, or is said to/about them, and no one takes the time to talk anymore. People say I'm busy and can you wait a minute. But maybe in a minute that person won't be on this planet any longer.
I'm just scared, I think over the next couple days I'll be typing up what I want to talk about in my motivational speaking and post it on here in pieces and see what you guys think. I may also be using things that I've already posted on here. We'll see....
So at school we were given this speech about internet safety. How to avoid being hacked etc. But the big thing was how to avoid internet predators (pedophiles, rapists etc.) This girl "Ally" (name changed because she's in the witness protection program) was the victim of a man who would pose as a peer (school friend) and would work his way into hacking her account (think msn). He blackmailed her into going on webcam and "performing" nude. If she didn't comply after the first time (he would take pictures/videos of these girls AND boys the first time) he said he'd send the pictures/videos to siblings, friends, parents, boy/girl friends etc. Thus forcing them to go and perform for this twisted person. She actually was forced to go meet this guy. The kicker here is she knew the guy!! Her grandmother lived around the corner from this guy. But for 18 minutes and 40 seconds (she counted) she layed there as she was sexually assaulted (probably raped as well, but she never elaborated to that extent because that wasn't what she was talking about).
At the end she asked any of us who had comments/questions but weren't comfortable to ask in the group (we had a whole school assembly kind of thing) to come up to her or one of the two police officers that were with her and ask her anything. She said she was an open book because she already knows all her "private" stuff isn't private anymore, whether by her choice or not.
I went up to her and wanted to tell her that she is so brave and an amazing person, because I know personally I wouldn't be able to go up infront of people and basically say I was a total moron and managed to become prey to some twisted pervert and then meet up with him IN PERSON! I told her that and said she was an inspiration that I was a rape SURVIVOR. Not a VICTIM. That was her main point. She doens't want pity and she doesn't want sympathy. She wants people to understand how painful the experience was for her and the rest of the people who have gone through this and that we can manage to stop people from doing these kinds of things to eachother if we just smarten up. At this point of saying I was a rape victim and a very brief idea of what happened (I was nine, I'm not 18, it was my step-brother and I never got justice) she gave me a huge hug and said that one thing you just said was the strongest and hardest statement to ever make. She said that even though it's something terrible to go through (since she's been through it somewhat) that I'm obviously not letting HIM win. I was standing there talking to her and that I hadn't let him take over my life. I told her about this site and just how much I loved it and how much it has helped me. That without everyone on PWP I doubt I'd be writing this. Getting over rape is not an easy thing. And the problem is, this isn't like a scraped knee that it just heals and maybe leaves a faint scar. No this is always going to be a raw and open wound. One that any little bump can cause cataclismic events to roll and the "bleeding" to start again. I wished I could have gotten some contact information from this amazing young woman, but since she is under the witness protection program I can't get anything out of her. I would have loved to know if she was on here already or if she does sign up here but sadly I'll never know.
She gave me countless hugs and said how strong and beautiful and that I can be an amazing person if I just let myself go and try. That I don't need to hold back and that I can do whatever I want to do with my life, I just have to be ready to try. She kept saying that everytime she gets up infront of students that she has to relive every moment of what happened to her, and I told her that I believed her. That there are days where I don't want to get out of bed, just because the night before someone looked at me the wrong way or said something I took the wrong way. And that everyday is a struggle for me because just a sound or a smell can trigger all sorts of feelings and memories. A lot of which aren't good. I told her that one day I want to start motivational speaking for what I went through. How I've come out on top and everything to try and empower the next generation. I said that right now I don't have the courage to because I don't think the world is ready to hear about a person who has been raped. But I could be wrong. She told me, the world is never ready for anything. Every new and horrific thing that happens is like a wet open handed slap to the face. But that sometimes we need to be aware of the world around us and we need that slap to open our eyes and see the forest for the trees.
Final one, it was a humorous essay (agian informal) abut fashion.. I had a lot of fun writing it.. enjoy...
Fashion. I don’t get it! Ok men, big baggy shirt, large baggy pants that hang off your butt, a belt (don’t worry it’s loose enough it won’t keep your pants up it’s just for show), large flashy shoes and flashy boxers. Yummy!! I want to jump that right away... NOT! Women, tight tight tight tight pants. Infact, forget how to breathe or even try thinking about food. Just thinking will cause that button on the jeans to pop. An even tighter t-shirt or tank top (although the tank top is preferred). Did I mention everything much be low cut? Yes, everything. Pants need to at the highest rest 2 inches below your hip bones, and the shirt must show off as much boobs as possible. A push-up bra is a must! In the summer, shorts, but again TIGHT, and they need to be short. If I can’t see a good inch of butt cheek, it’s not short enough!
Okay, that’s not a pretty picture at all... Infact I think I just threw up a little in my mouth writing that. The idea of everywhere I go being assaulted by butt cheeks and cleavage is not something I want when I’m going shopping for some pants. Plus it’s not realistic. I’m skinny and I can’t even wear those skinny jeans if I tried. They just aren’t comfortable! I know, I know, it’s sexy, therefore attractive. I get that. But can’t we ladies look good even wearing something baggy? Oh wait, we do, those are called track pants. We wear those on a normal day... Not for warm ups at the gym. But if we wear those we need to wear a thong because that’s the only way we can make our butts look good in baggy pants. Oh dear what is the world coming to?
Guys, you look like idiots. That’s nice you’re wearing Corona boxers. But unless you are my boyfriend and we’re in bed, I don’t really care or want to see that. Like the song "Pants on the Ground" by Larry Platt says "With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways, pants hit the ground. Call yourself a cool cat,". You look stupid. Hats turned sideways, what’s the point in the hat? And those stupid "grillz" NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND YOU! There’s too much metal in your mouth to make any real words! Why even bother with them.. They make a nice paper weight though I guess.. That is if you like a set of gold and jewel encrusted teeth sitting on your math homework.
What is the world coming to? We now wear leggings as pants! I can see every wrinkle, fold, and dimple in your legs and butt. Again not a sight I want to see. You want to wear a mini skirt in the middle of the winter but your "cooch" is too cold with the wind, put on leggings on. Okay, that’s kind of acceptable. That way I don’t have to see your butt anymore. But as pants on their own? I don’t want to know what lies between your legs. Those things are so tight no self-respecting woman who likes her privacy would wear those! They make sense if they are under something but as your pants du jour they don’t make sense. They’re skin tight and show of everything. And I mean everything! You have a mole on your left butt cheek... Yup, I can see that! Some scar from some random sports accident on your thigh. I can see that as well. No one wants to see that much detail of someone’s body that they don’t take to bed with them. It’s just wrong. A guy could get punched because it’s like they’re undressing someone else’s girlfriend. Well I’m sorry, you kind of left an open invitation when you put those nearly see through (they’re so tight across her legs) and tight "pants" it’s hard not to.
Fashion changes, I get that. But what happened to decency? To only showing your body to the person who you intend to have sex with? Fashion changes every few years, but where has fashion gone these days? Can we change fashion before it’s too late and our entire world is basically a nudist colony, or we go back to wearing loin-clothes?
Ok this is the parody, it's basically poking fun.. I chose to write about awareness groups (see my previous entry about something called TWLOHA)
Hey world! We’re back, and we’re not your parent’s awareness groups, no we’re a whole new breed of group. We get on Facebook and Twitter now. There’s no escaping us!!
We even have a new strategy; get so many followers, all who are extremely passionate about the cause, but allow nay-sayers to post their feelings about the group as well. Let the flame war begin. Our platform is even vaguer than ever. This is to allow people to post on the wall and ask what the campaign is about and get yelled at for not understanding.
All in all it’s a terrible idea but it’ll work! All the teens will get sucked in and think it’s great, tell their friends and we’ll have even more support! Frankly we don’t even know what we’re raising awareness for. Something vague that is hard to stop no matter how hard you try. Plus it should be something that a lot of people support, yet a lot of people like to do and don’t really want to stop doing. This way we can have tons of flights breaking out!
This is an awesome idea! No way this can fail. All the people participation are awesome!! You guys can change the world if you just try! All those not participating, the participants will make you participate and enjoy it. There’s no use in trying to resist.
Oh, I know what we can create awareness for: human stupidity! Many people take part and won’t want to stop, at the same time those who have to deal with it want it to end. By definition, this will create many fights on the wall posts and it’s vague and hard to stop, all the things we want this to end up being.
We can even have some stupid thing to do for this awareness project: write " DUR!!" on your forehead... in sharpie marker!! Everyone will do it. It’ll be great. People will ask why they have that written on their forehead and the participants can tell them it’s because they are raising awareness about human stupidity and how it can be stopped. When people say it’s impossible to do, the participants can give them crack-pot ideas on how we can change the way people are and stop them from being stupid. Plus it’ll get more and more people aware of the cause and want to do something! Because everyone wants to try and stop things that aren’t a good thing right?
So everyone in the world, come out and participate, because if you don’t participate we’ll find you. When we find you, we’ll brainwash you to our ideals and make you want to participate and you’ll have so much fun. Maybe you’ll even get a tattoo to commemorate the time you spent with our "organization". So come out on no day, at no time, for a while lot of nothing, because that’s what our organization will do: absolutely nothing!
Ok this is a serious (but informal) essay I wrote in my writer's craft course. It's about the effects of divorce on teens. Enjoy
Divorce. The dictionary says it’s "a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole, or in part, esp. one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligations". These divorces can be simple and fairly painless for all involved. At the same time, it can be the Third World War. Any divorce has many sides, the husband, the wife, the in-laws (on both sides remember) and any children. The younger the child the "easier" it is. By easier I mean how much it affects them in the end. The earlier It happens the less a child knows or remember of their parents (biological that is) of being together. But what happens when a divorce happens when the children are in their early teens? The most volatile and unstable part of a child’s life as it is.
As a teen myself I know the problems teens face on a daily level. To add a divorce into the mix makes things just that much more impossible. Teens face a constant onslaught everyday. To look perfect and the act perfect. If you don’t fit what ever that day’s ideal is then you are labeled weird and are not able to be popular. Girls must be thin and blonde and be willing to "put out". While males need to be tall, dark, and handsome with a decent amount of muscle. No one is allowed any fat on their bodies. If we don’t fit these ideals then we are shunned from the rest of the teen populous. That’s hard enough to deal with. But what happens when a teen faces the fact their parents no longer love each other?
Teen’s have relationships as well, whether these be in a homosexual (male with male, or female with female) or heterosexual nature. Some last for years, while others last a few weeks or months. We always want to please these people, but when we see our parents and their love has died we start thinking what is the chance that our teenaged "love affair" will last? It creates insecurities. Watching my own parents going through their divorce for years now has no been easy. I started dating my current partner not long after my parents legally separated. It was the concrete showing of their love and marriage being broken. Internally I started to wonder if myself and my boyfriend had even the slightest chance in Hell of getting past the "honeymoon period" (6 months of dating). Thankfully we have and are stronger than ever.
My mother-in-law who has seen her share of children affected by divorce, and has her share of experience has said the most mind-blowing thing ever one day over dinner and a talk with how my relationship with my parents has been lately. She said it’s tough on a child. A child is the coming together of two people (who presumably love each other) to make something beautiful. A child. But when a divorce happens the child goes and lives at one parent’s house and visits with the other. Most often we will hear hurtful and spiteful things one parent says about the other. One parent will almost always reject the other. But think about that for one second. This child is half his or her mother, and half their father. When the mother rejects the father, it’s like the mother is rejecting half their child. Because in reality without the father this child wouldn’t be standing here hearing what their mother has to say.
Teens naturally have a hard time with parents. Teens aren’t old enough legally to have adult responsibilities but they want them because we’re just so close to being an adult we can taste it. Teens and parents don’t get along for years, until the teen is usually in university/college usually. Go back to a divorcing family. This teen no longer has something normal and a routine. They are being bounced around between two houses, usually two new houses. Then there’s the step parents. Step parents are weird. They want to be accepted and feel the love you have for your parents and will do next to anything to get it. But at the same time it’s tough for a teen to see their parents, who they’ve watched growing up as a loving pair, move on and date someone new. It’s weird. I now have a step mother, and a step father. I also have gained in-laws. This divorce despite everything it’s done to my relationship with my parents has strengthened my relationship with my boyfriend and his family. They have become my family with no strings attached.
Divorce is a tough time for all. It shouldn’t be something taken lightly because it’s not something that can be taken lightly. Divorce is a complicated process where everyone in the family should be involved, and where everything should be explained.
Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck fucking morons!!!!!
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Now that I have that out of my system...........
Ok so many of you one here are/were self-harmers (is that even a word....?) As such you probably know of TWLOHA (or: to write love on her arm). For those who don't know what TWLOHA is, it's a day (or many days during the year) in which people all over the globe write the word Love (in any language or colour) on their arm. This is usually put around the wrist area (most common place to cut). I don't know if it's just me, but I find that is more triggering than anything. I might just be overly sensitive I'm not really sure. But anyways.
When I see someone with the word Love on their wrist I look down at mine, and I see scars. Not just a couple scars, I mean like a large number of scars. So much so that for around 2 inches from the bottom of my hand upwards towards my elbow all I can see are these skinny faint white lines that are scars from when I've put a blade to my skin and dragged it accross, splitting skin and allowing blood to flow.
Another thing. I don't know about anyone else, but I tend to associate love with Pain and suffering. The person who raped me was someone I trusted and kind of sort of loved (step brother). But he betrayed that love and trust and hurt me in one of the worst ways possible. How can I look at the word love and not think of what has happened to me? This is why this event kills me inside. I nearly died because of this event one year. I was so upset and distracted (and dissassociated bad enough) that when I crossed a busy street coming home from school at the end of the day, I nearly got run over by a car or two. I should have died. That triggered something inside me. Like a little bomb. That I'd become numb again. Guess what happens to people who used to be self-harmers who realize they have become numb...? THEY START CUTTING AGAIN!!!!! Arg!!!
These people don't seem to get what I"m trying to say. It's not like I'm trying to say not to do any kind of awareness campaign about self-harm and teen suicide. Hell no. I nearly lost a friend to suicide. We were damned lucky she survived and I"m happy she's around today. But I nearly lost a friend because of this event as well. She was so upset by this event that she went home with the plan to kill herself. She didn't want to deal with the issues that she had bottled up inside (thusly needing the release of cutting) and it was just going to be easier to kill herself. We were lucky again that her plan didn't succeed. It just annoys me how ignorant people have become. Of other's feelings and beliefs and all sorts of things.
I want to stop cutting but every time this event comes around I feel the need to cut even more. I was cut free for years.... And now it's hard to go a couple days without feeling a blade against my skin.... It's tearing apart everything that I have in my life. It's starting to scare me.
Did I mention one year during TWLOHA day, I decided to participate. But I did it in the way I knew best.... Yup I cut the word love into my arm. Had it all over my arm. I personally thought it was beautiful. The looks of disgust and the lectures I got from people participating just drove me up the wall. I wanted to punch so many people because apparently "I need saving" and what I'm doing is not healthy and is bad for me.... Ok so you want me to bottle up my fucking emotions and get so pissed off that I go to some bank somewhere with a bomb or come to school one day with a fucking gun and shoot the place up...? Ok I'll go ahead and do it if you want me to!!!
It’s hard to try and say this. I’ve never actually said this to any one before. So saying this will be rather difficult. I’ve been raped/abuse sexually for years after my first rape at 9. I guess it’s me mentally saying that it’s ok? I sort of kept going and dating this not so good types as my parents called them. All they wanted out of me was my body. Because of the way I had been treated early on I thought things being purely sexual was normal. While in all actuality that wasn’t normal. People were supposed to love and care for eachother as a person with emotions and feelings.
I was used by no less like 5 different men in the past few years. Some of these men are still in my life but in less of a “romantic” way. By romantic I mean pure sex. For a while I had a relationship with a guy, I thought he was “the one” turns out he just wanted my body. My parents didn’t know I was dating him. He was 22, I was 16. I’m not a person who actually looks at the ages of people as a way to judge whether they are attainable. Infact I tend to date older because I am mature well beyond me years. I also knew my parents wouldn’t respond well to me dating this guy. He had no job, didn’t seem to have the drive to want to get a job either. I decided to keep the relationship a secret from pretty much everyone. Even going as far as to say I wasn’t actually dating anyone. Should this have been a sign this relationship wasn’t a good one? Ya, probably. But I didn’t see it that way. I felt loved and cared for. In reality I was just being used, but in a very crafty and quiet manner.
Most days after school I would go to his place and we would “hang out”. By hang out, it was basically a 4 hours sex fest, and then I’d go home. But not after seeing my cell phone with texts and phone messages from my parents trying to figure out where I was and if I was going to be home for dinner. I never would explain what I was doing, or where I was for fear of my parents getting very judgemental about what was happening.
I had finally broken it off with this guy because I’d figured him out. I finally opened my eyes and saw that he didn’t love me, not as a person atleast, but rather he loved my body. He liked the way I made him feel. I made some lame excuse that my parents had found out and were telling me I was either grounded for a very long time and would have no social interactions basically, or that I had to break it off with this guy. He bit the bait. But he’s still around, he’s still trying to hook up with my and everything despite us both being in relationships with other people.
There was a time in my grade 9 year, so 4 years ago, where I was still very naive about sex and relationships. Whereas I had a friend who knew basically everything that there was to know about sex. She somehow got into contact with a MUCH older man. He was in a long term relationship but was going behind her back to get “young p***y”. His girlfriend wasn’t satisfying him, or some random crap like that. He started to lure me into his trap. I resisted for the longest time. But being 75 pounds and just over 5 feet tall, a 6 foot 175 pound (all muscle) man has a small advantage over you. He won out. He was safe, he didn’t want to have a kid with some 14 year old kid, especially when he’s got a girlfriend who he plans on proposing to soon.
He was good at what he did. He made it seem like he cared about me, he made me feel good. What I didn’t realize was this was just empty sex. With sex there is supposed to be a connection between people. A love that flows between the two people, not just the physical feelings that one person is giving the other. He made me keep wanting him. So I’d keep going back to him. He had me under his spell, and he was winning. He still tries to get me now, but I’m smarter now. I know his tricks, plus I’m in a loving relationship now. I don’t want to lose what I have finally found, because it’s taken me such a long time to find what I only just found. It’s not something I want to end up losing.
I had a best friend, she was in a relationship for what seemed like forever. Only thing? This relationship was one of those annoying on again off again ones. Where it seems everyother week they are broken up, and then together again. I’d had some interest in said boyfriend, and it seemed him in me. One time when they were “broken up” he lured me. Saying all the nice things that one says when you want something out of someone. It worked for me. I hooked up with him a couple times over the winter break. Only problem was, he and my friend weren’t broken up. He was cheating on her with me. When she found out she was livid. I’ll give her that, she should have been. But not at him, she was mad at me. Calling me a slut, skank, whore. Insinuated that I had STD’s and that now everyone has to get checked. All sorts of stupid crap. Thing was he turned the story around. Everything that I’d tell her about what happened she would discuss with the boyfriend, and then he’d turn it around and make it seem like I was the one who seduced him and made him cheat and make me look like the bad friend.
Things like this happened for years because I didn’t know what true love really was. I didn’t realize how things like being cared about affects a person. And what that feels like. I have finally found that one person that does make me feel worthwhile. It’s been a long uphill battle. But one that is damned well worth it. Whether you be straight, gay, lesbian, or bi-sexual. Whoever, and whatever gender this person happens to be, it is worth it. I want to tell everyone that it is worth it. There is someone out there for you. It’s just a matter of running through that forest where the leaves are so thick you can’t see. You will trip and fall, and it’ll hurt. But you have to get right back up and find the path again. It won’t be easy, and it will be painful at times. But when you get out of that forest there is that special someone on the other side ready to make you feel like a prince/princess.
It's been nine years to the day.
I remember like it was yesterday.
The feel of your eyes in the back of my skull as you slunk and stalked and preyed upon me.
Took my body for your own not thinking about me
using and abusing.
Cutting and tearing.
Did you ever once think what you were doing to me?
The pain and suffering you would cause.
How nearly 10 years from now I'd barely be able to feel the touch of another man.
Yet you can continue your life like nothing has happened.
While I live in constant fear and pain.
What will happen to me tomorrow.
I thought I was over this, yet even now waking up in the morning is hard.
Near impossible to face the day,
Put on that mask and slink away.
That is what my life has become.
Just a lie, a facade
What it used to be cannot be regained.
All the time lost cannot be found.
My life has been shattered,
into a million tiny pieces.
Scattered around everywhere
With no way to figure out which way to go next.
It's hard to imagine just how hard this has become.
When your life no longer has meaning.
When it just seems easier to be forgot.
I have no friends anymore
those I had ran and hid.
The ones I have around me,
no more than aquantances.
working is near impossible.
Ever look from a man makes me quiver.
Can't you see the pain
My life revolves around those few things I hold dear.
Even those things I cannot share.
My blades hold my secrets
but no one understands them but me.
My poetry is always dark and frightening
making people shake and cower,
the drawings to personal.
nothing to be shared nor understood.
This way I stay with just myself.
Wondering if I will ever be able to face the day again.
See the light of day, that little light at the end of the tunnel.
It's so difficult to write an autobiography when you'd lived a life like we have. That the kind of thing I have to do right now. I need to write an autobiography. Now I can write basically whatever I want about whatever I want. the problem is, if I want to write about my life and be true to the whole autobiography thing with telling about major things in my life I need to talk about my rape. My problem is I take a very almost comedic look at most things in life. I've put in little anecdotal like remarks throughout my chapter on my rape. It makes me come off almost like I don't care or that I think rape/sexual abuse is funny. It's also the way I've written the rest of my chapters. It's hard to even talk about the rape for this entry as it is because it's not something you just run to the top of the nearest hill and shout to the high heavens.... Well if that's how you manage to heal, all the power to you. But that's not how I managed to heal all these years... It's started to get really annoying because I need to hand this thing in on Friday...
My pretty baby girl, My Bijou, my puppy dog.
You came into my life for such a short period of time, but left such a huge mark on my heart. I never thought I could love someone like you, never thought of myself as a dog person. Little did I know how much you would come to affect me today. Today the world has lost a dog, but doggy heaven has gained a beautiful soul. Now you no longer have to fear the needles and the pain. The endless days stuck in a cage wondering who will be the next to strike.
You lived and died in a testing facility. I know that sounds cruel. But as bad as it sounds, every life there has helped countless humans. I thank each and every animal that has given their life for us. There is no way to show my eternal gratitude for a gift so large. Every human will be somehow touched by the wonderful things you have helped us find out. Something that there is no way to repay you for. I have to wonder how much I could have saved you from. I didn't work hard enough to save you, to bring you to be the dog you could have been.
I wasn't fast enough, I didn't try had enough to save you from this fate. It's not fair that you should have to die because I just didn't care. But today on March 17, 2010 at 9:15 am you were put to sleep. Such a funny way to say it. For you will never wake. You aren't sleeping we have killed you. We made these drugs for this purpose. To "stop the suffering" and "end the pain" But how much of this pain is then handed over to us. The ones who loved and cared about you. The ones left behind. I feel numb and floating. Unsure of what to do. I can't stop crying for it's the only thing I know how to do. I feel like I've let you down, I'd promised you I'd be back, yet here I am knowing you aren't here anymore. You're body stays with us for now, again to be reclaimed, your soul is up in heaven able to run freely.
No more rules, no more bars, no cages or needles. The pain is gone, and so is the fear. You are finally free to be who you really are. I knew who you could be. I saw it from day one. I will miss you forever baby girl. You will always be my pretty girl. My first puppy dog, and my only puppy dog. I will miss you everyday that I'm without you, for I let them take you from me. I can find someone to try and fill this hole, but you can never be replaced. I love you and always will love you, and will honour your memory. I will find a dog that looks just like you and name her after you. For you were supposed to be my dog, but the cruel hand of fate interveined.
so yay, I have a job. Things are awesome, I start on Friday and work most/all weekend. You'd think that's great. Only problem is we didn't talk about how much I will be making an hour. Legally I HAVE to know that before I start working, I have to sign a contract type of thing. Didn't realize this till now. So now I start stressing out about that...
That's chump change for this. So yay, Kurt got a job at at a really good factory in town, making $14 per hour and is working full time. Means we can move out even sooner. All these things are awesome.
So things are looking up for me aparently.... Then I get a phone call. I got a phone call from someone I worked with while on my co-op last semester. Turns out the dog I've been trying to adopt is being brought to another research facility and I have no chance of adopting her now. I've always been more connected to animals and can be able to feel an emotional release with an animal. This dog I was very attached to. And I'm crushed by the fact I won't have her anymore.
So really not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing but.... the test was negative. I am not pregnant. Or atleast that's what a $10 test said...
I'm not over the moon about this test and it's reliability. I will be taking another test with the brand Clear Blue, because I'm not 100% sure I can rely on this test's negative result. I literally have like every symptom of pregnancy yet I'm coming up negative.
I've had nausea, both at random, and after eating. Hot/cold flashes, stupidly emotional over the tiniest of things. I've put a small amount of weight on (I'm slightly more rounded) My breasts are sore/sensitive. Back is sore, all these things that people say come with the early stages of pregnancy I have and they are killing me (so to speak) all of these things point to a positive result on a pregnancy test. Yet I get a negative.
My other problem is I don't know if I should be sad/unhappy or happy because of the negative... I'm sad because the inner maternal mom in my says I want a kid and well I'm not pregnant when I thought I was. But at the same time I feel like I should be happy because this means I'm not pregnant and odn't have to drop out of school and possibly get screwed over for my education and all this stuff. I really don't know, but I know one thing for sure.. In a couple of weeks once I get my pay check I'll be getting a "better" test to be sure. From there we'll just see what the next step is. I may go to my school's nurse and be wtf, is there anything "more accurate" that you can test with to find out if I am or not?
So again, still don't know about my pregnancy test result yet... but wanting to know from those of you who have been pregnant (pregnancy completed or not irrelivant) what are the instructions in relation to caffeine? Little bit? None at all, ever while pregnant? Does it matter? Just wanting to know since I might be and need to know because of my daily life and what I eat/drink and everything Thanks everyone!
I GOT THE JOB!!
Ok so you know how I was all stressed out about having no money, no job and maybe being pregnant and without a job? Well part of that has been solved!! GOT THE JOB!!! I have orientation (or training as others would call it) on Sunday night, from there my first available shift is Wednesday of march break. Yes I'm working all march break.. but frankly I don't give a crap I need money... Thankfully I had enough money and I've bought a pregnancy test. I will be taking it tomorrow at some point and will let everyone who is concerned what the results are. Only issue is now I have to repair my laptop because Kurt's (my boyfriend's) dog chewed my laptop charging cord. It still works but sparks every so often and if it moves and does something stupid it won't give the power to my laptop... small issue when my laptop decides it's going to do an update and drain my battery without me telling it....
That's all for now.... I'll let everyone know the results tomorrow, as well as keep you guys updated on how the job goes after the first few days!
So first off I'm coming clean... I slipped and started cutting again. To pin it doesn to one reason wouldn't be accurate. Infact it's more things than I even realized were the reasons behind me starting again.
1) In my creative writing class (where all the poems came from) we are starting an autobiography. To start us thinking about our past he's been asking us to think about favourite toys, first day at school, random crap like that. Well one day he had us to a thing about the strongest memory tied to a scent. Now I don't know about the rest of you guys, but my strongest childhood memory... happens to be my rape! It is also tied to a scent. I have no idea what it is, but there's a scent tied to it. PRobably a mix of like 3 different scents.. But he managed to have that scent. I passed around 6 different things with scents in them, mostly spices like cloves, and vanilla, and then this one scent. I lost it!
I started shaking, hyperventilating, I actually threw myself from the chair because I started reliving my rape. I curled up under my desk and dissasociated for 2 hours. The class was long over but I didn't know I stayed there. Reliving my rape blow by blow. Not fun.
2) My mother is getting worse and worse by the day. It's affecting me greatly now. I used to be soo close with her we were more like best friends than mother and daughter sometimes. All of a sudden I can't say anything or do anything without her judging me.
3) I started having flashbacks while with my boyfriend. I've been really tired all week and would take naps while I was at Kurts house. When i'm sleeping I"m most vulnerable to flashbacks I think personally. So he would try and roll me over (I slept on my side with my back to him) and I'd start freaking out in my sleep. Or he'd go to caress my face (just back of finger in a loving manner not anything sexual) and I'd freak out. He'd kiss me on my neck (again being loving not sexual) and I'd totally freak out. I'd curl into a ball, would be barely breathing, and start whimpering. We all wimper to some degree when we're crying, I know I do, and if I'm sleeping and I start crying, I'll wimper before hand. Or atleast that's what I've been told.... So he'd be sitting there telling me it's ok, it's just him. It's my boyfriend Kurt, and that I'm safe and no one is going to hurt me. There was one point where he had to wake me up because I started thrashing around and actually started to hit him.
That honestly freaked me out. When I woke up I saw this big angry handprint on his cheek from my slapping him, and he looked terrified. He's not the kind of person that gets scared easily. To see terror on his face scared me. He then started asking what was wrong, I had no idea what had happened. I didn't dream anything (atleast that I can remember) and had no clue I'd started flipping out like he said I did. Truly not fun.
4) My possible pregnancy. I still have no idea what's going on with my body. I might be pregnant I might not. I don't have the money to go and find out, and I don't trust my doctor. He was seriously creepy to me after my rape, to make sure I was physically ok, and he's still really creepy now. Plus I woudln't be surprised (despite doctor patient confidentiality) if he were to tell my mother that I needed a pregnancy test, and what the results were.
To say the least I'm in emotional overload and a half. So what do I start doing? Well I start cutting, it's my safety zone, the only thing I can control. I had emotionally shut down, and pretty much stopped feeling. I felt numb. I hated that feeling years ago, and i hate it now. So i did the only thing that I knew would make me feel again. I took the blade to my arm again. Tomorrow will be a week since I started. I'm not proud that I had to resort to harming myself to feel human again. But that's what happened.
I've been hiding it from people, because I'm embarassed that I have to do this. But last night Kurt saw my wrist. He asked me what happened (I have a rabbit and can sometimes get scratched really badly) and I looked at him and said it's exactly what you think it is. And just bawled. 10 minutes of silence, other than me crying. I didn't say anything, he didn't say anything. I was terrified he was going to break it off with me. I've had it happen before. But he would just kiss my cheeks, my neck, my forehead, my wrist where I'd cut. And just held me close. The one thing he said that hit home with me was "How can I protect you from harm, if you are causing harm to yourself?" I hope someday everyone here can find someone like this. Someone who protects you and loves you and accepts you for who you are. Accepts the good, the bad, and the downright ugly.
I'm not the cuddliest person on the planet and I know that. Hell, I'm about as cuddly as a porcupine on some days. Yet he stays with me. Sticking by me despite some of the things that come out of my mouth. I love him more and more because of this. Despite in the beginning of the relationship him saying he never wanted kids, and that if he ever found out I was pregnant he'd run far away really fast. He's trying to keep my hopes up and help me through all of this. He isn't running off in the potential for me being pregnant. He's standing by and ready to help me bring this potential little life into this world as our son/daughter.
I hope you all can find a Kurt in your life, someone who loves you, and that you love back. I've been lucky in my life not to find many thorns on the roses known as boys, but some people have to go through dozens of roses and only find thorns before they find that perfect flower.
Ok this one is out of left field and I'm probably going to get yelled at but this is not something I need right now!!
I think I'm pregnant.
Yup, 18, and possibly pregnant. I'm not happy about it. Infact I'm petrified. I know I'd be a good mother, and Kurt (my boyfriend) would be a good father. But neither of us are working. The next problem.. No one is going to hire me for 8 months or so, just to have me leave for like a year for my child. Kurt is having huge issues to finding work, he doesn't have any prior experience and he's 20 now. Not many people are hiring people who have no experience... I'm more likely to get a job than him. But now I think we're on even ground.
I want to explain something first before I get yelled at for being an idiot. We do use condoms. I'm not on the pill though... again my mother is a bit of a bitch.. yes I know patient doctor confidentiality... but my doctor is a creep and weirds me out.. he's wanted to do full physicals on me since I was like 12... But my city has doctor shortages and therefore I can't switch doctors... So I avoid this guy as much as possible, therefore now pill for me. The problem with condoms is "they ruin the sensation" ok should I have fallen for that? no, but in all honesty... it's true, even for the woman... I don't like the feel of condoms... But we sort of have to use them. So how do we do this? we have sex for a bit unprotected till he's starting to really get going, then we put the condom on. I'm really sorry that this might be too much information but it's sorta needed to explain all of this. Plus you didnt need to keep reading if you didn't want to....
Ok, so we've been doing things this way for months now.. basically since we started dating (no our relationship doesn't revolve around sex) and we've not had problems with it. both of us are clean therefore STD's aren't a problem. But suddenly about a week ago, I pretty much stopped eating. I'm down to half what I "normall" eat, and everytime I do eat I feel sick to my stomach and more often than not start throwing up. With my surgery a while ago they left a staple inside me to close off the conection between the rest of my body and my appendix, anytime there is large amoutns of expansion in my stomach the staple gets pushed around and it pokes at some other bits of my body. This is just a tad painful as you can imagine... But that's been constant for a week or so. I've also become kinda rounded in the stomach area... Ok I'm 100 pounds when I'm soaked from showering/swimming. So I'm like 90 pounds normally. I used to dance everything is flat and toned, and now my stomach is slightly more rounded. And I'm stupidly emotional. Granted there are a lot of things goig on in my life. Things is I can normally get through them, but suddenly I'm a total basket case, and crying a lot, getting angry for no apparent reason and just totally snapping at a moments notice.
I'm getting worried. I don't have a job (see previous entry) and haven't been working for around 5 months now, so I don't have a lot of money. Even a $10 pharmacy pregnancy test is a little bit more money I have available to spend... So I have no idea if I am or not. And again my doctor is seriously creepy and I don't want to deal with my if I can.
Any mother's out there... Help me! What were your early pregnancy feelings. Yes I know they all differ person to person, and even pregnancy to pregnancy but any help is appreciated. I'm scared and don't know what to do. Kurt and I have talked.. There's no way I'm aborting. I don't think it's something I could live with myself after doing. I doubt I coudl put it up for adoption, I get too attached way too quick, I wouldn't be able to hand off my baby to some other person and possibly rarely see the kid again.
This was the final poem written. It was a reflection on my life and those around me and my observations, how we all wear a "mask" and how we hide behind it.
Fear of judgement
Makes us hide
Hide behind a mask
Of lies and deceit.
Showing only what we want
Opening the doors to few
Shutting most out
Keeping us to ourselves.
Out of self-preservation
This mask shows nothing
The cold emotionless face
Hiding anguish hurt and pain.
Dangers hide with this mask
People unable to connect
We feel alone and isolated
Can we learn to take off this mask before it’s too late?
Show who we truly are
Our real feelings
The real person we are
Open the doors wide and let all in.
Learn about all we are
That we are all human
And we all feel.
Instead we feel we must hide
Safe without security net
Content with lies
The lack of feeling between people
A total disconnect from reality
For without the mask we are nothing.
Only a trembling lost puppy
Unsure where to go
Unsure who we are
We are dependent on this crutch.
We all know it happens
Yet no one questions
Why we live like this
This was a poem written during some issues with me mentally, written about my boyfriend... And it mentions his name... it's the first time I've done that on here! congrats to me
Your arms warm against me
Finally I feel home
With you I am safe
Worries of the day banished
The cold wind runs screaming
Till I sleep peacefully
Without you I would be lost
Lost in a world of hatred
Melting my icy core
Till I feel love again.
Nothing is wrong when I’m with you
All things bring smiles
Nothing brings tears, anger or sadness
Only happiness with you.
You know my weaknesses
Find my strengths
Bring out the real me
Take the mask I wear off
Comfortable in my own skin
Never finding a flaw
Bearing all I am
Without fear of a judging eye.
Without you I wouldn’t be here
You saved me from myself
Chased away my demons
Never gave up the fight.
A fight I’d given up long ago
Till the evil consumed me
You fought on
Till every last spot was gone
You are my knight
But most of all my love
My one and only Kurt.
Another personal poem..
It’s time to leave
You may not agree
I have made my choice
And you made yours
I’m moving out
With him I can be me
You’ll realize one day
How much I meant to you
I see you’re mad,
But so am I
Calling me names
Carved the path out the door
To a new life I go
A happy less stressed one
I hope you’re included
But that’s up to you
You are the cause of this
Not me or anyone else
You made choices
They happened to be bad
Without me to do your work
You’ll be swamped
Begging me to come home
But I made my choice long ago
You’ll try and hinder me
That’ll only make me go faster
I have support
I don’t need you
I have love
I’ll have a roof and food
There will be security
No longer the abuse
Leaving you behind
Won’t be easy I know
It’s something that must be done
Some day you’ll see
I still love you
I want you in my life
But only if you want to
You make the choice.
So the final handful of poems from my assignment... This one is the sonnet... It's a piece of crap. It's so heavily structured that it's hard to write. 10 sylables per line.. only 14 lines, with a certain rhyming structure as well... here goes
Lines of men, marching off to fight the fight.
Mothers, sisters, wives all watch as they cry
Boys marching, but have not seen the real light
Of where they march to will cause them to die.
Without fear, with courage they march for days.
Unknowing of their destination yet.
Family back home sit in fear and still prays.
Now the day has come and their fate is met.
In fields they wait, scared of what is their fate.
Shallow breaths, waiting for their next orders.
To run into bullets they can’t be late.
For they have a mission to guard borders.
The death and destruction the future’s bleak
The world is consumed till we cannot speak.
Ok, so as a very fe of you know, I'm looking into moving out of my house. Things with my mother are going totally ape-shit. And trust me I don't mean the good way!!! I can prove it!!!!
I forget if I ever mentioned how my mother feels about me losing my old job at Wal-mart. Well to give a little background on the subject, I had my appendix out at the butt end of summer, right before school started. That meant I needed to take some time off so I could heal a little bit more. I was a cashier and would be doing a lot of twisting and turned and lifting, not cool when you've just had some pretty major surgery going through your stomach muscles and taking a simple pee is painful! So I come back after a month or so, things are fine. That is until a week after coming back, I trip and fall on my stairs severely spraining my ankle, or atleast that's what the doctor's said. They never took an x-ray so never saw if something was broken/dislocated. Considering I used ot dance, I would sprain my ankle dozens of times in the year so much so I got desensitized to the pain of a sprain, this way more pain than a simple sprain, I'm failrly certian I broke or dislocated something. Anyways, my manager basically told me f*ck off till my ankle was better (more interesting words were said as well). So that's what I did. Not even a week later she calls me asking me where the hell I was and why I wasn't showing up for work. That was the straw that broke the donkey's back. I decided right there that this wasn't a place I wanted to work. So I quit. Apparently they didn't get my letter of resignation, because they kept calling then sent a letter saying they were going to fire me on December 24 if I didn't talk to them before then... Yup Merry Christmas to me from my ex-workplace!!
I learned later that my mother was "ashamed and disgusted by how I lost MY job". Yup SHE was ashamed by how I lost MY job. Doesn't make sense but whatever... So I started looking for jobs. Had a few interviews, but never a call back. That was until 2 weeks ago. I found this position at a local restraunt that I've heard really good reviews for. AND my mother applied as a manager way back when the restraunt was being built. Unfortunate for her the construction was going slower than she could wait. She needed a job some where in the realm of ASAP and the restraunt wasn't going to be ready ASAP. So she went off for a different job. I told her I put in my application and had an interview the coming Monday, what does she say? "Well management is filled with sexual assaulters and psychopaths". Well that naturally freaks me out.. Hello I'm a rape victim here sexual assaulters is not a cool thing to deal with! But I decided I would go to the interview and try my luck.
The guy LOVED me and would have offered me the job on the spot, but he had like 30 other people still to interview. So he couldn't. Turns out he hired me. Why is hired in past tense you ask? Well because I may have lost the job.... No I didn't do something stupid and kill a patron or a fellow employee.... Nope, he called last Thursday, I didn't respond, He called last Sunday, the day of my orientation for my job... I didn't respond. Why on God's green earth would I not respond to phone calls about a job? Because my mother checked the phone messages when she got home, saved the messages but didn't tell me. Ok she did tell me... this past Thursday night (March 4). So I listened to the messages, it appeared like he had called me Thursday and not a week ago. So I called yesterday afternoon (March 5) and he's all confused and wtf why didn't you call me. Little did I know at that point that he had called atleast a week ago about all this. He's busy because it's still during his lunch rush (he's a restraunt it's a Friday it's all good) so he says call back around 7:30-8pm that night. I plan to, even though it's my little brother's birthday dinner I was going to talk to him let him know and make the phone call. Low and behold we're going to Missisauga for dinner with my Grandparents.... We live like 2 hours away... That'll be long distance charges on my phone... I haven't been working.... But I do it anyways. He basically told me I have to wait atleast another week if he can even get another orientation done with even more people he's hiring... But he can't guarentee my job! So basically my mother screwed me out of a job...
But I know why. She's bitter because she wanted to work at this restraunt but didin't, plus she knows I'm trying to move out. If you could tell by previous messages on here I don't exactly like my mother much anymore. If you coudln't tell you may need to get your brains checked (I kid!!). So she's trying to cripple my attempts to move out. Because I can't rent an apartment if I don't hav emoney, and I can't have mnoney if I don't have a job.. Which means I'll stay here and continue to be my mothers bitch, and whipping post. Which I'm not going to be doing... I don't care anymore. I'm going to be fighting for this job. But the guy might not believe me, and think it's just some stupid pathetic excuse for fucking up. I really need and want this job...
Ok, I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I don't really care I'm saying the way I feel, and I've had nearly 30 people agree with the way I feel... and only about 1 person say I'm stupid for the way I feel... This is most likely going to be a REALLY long post, I'm sorry about that. I'm also probably going to get yelled at for doing all this typing on my busted wrist, but I've wanted to post this for nearly 3 weeks and not had the time, then wrecked my wrist and now it needs to come out before my head explodes...
Ok I've got a really good friend, last year at the beginning of the school year (september october area of 2008) he came out. He's gay. Everyone who was close to him was like "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!!". Now to explain that way of thought. This kid is the stereotypical gay, minus that annoying lisp. He's way over the top, extremely feminine and all these things. So everyone who even know him for like 30 seconds thought he was gay, but he thought he was straight. So he finally came out. We were (and still am) happy for him. Only problem was that his parents weren't supportive. They actually started to become abusive. Granted it wasn't physical. They weren't talking to him, not doing anything for him. And stopped saying "I love you" before he'd leave for school/part time job. I realize on this site, that kind of abuse seems like peanuts to us, given what has happened to us, but that's not the point. Now he dealt with this abuse for a few weeks under the teenaged fog of "it'll get better, they just need time to adjust". Sadly this was not true, he needed to get out, even if it was just for a week.
At this point I was home sick from school and work because I had mono and was extremely sick, and should have been in the hospital (may explain in another entry we'll see) he texts my phone and I tell my mom what's happening. (Him and I had dated at some point before this and he was close with my family) So my mom picks him up from school he grabs clothes and stuffs and stays the weekend. Things with his parents die down and things are fine again. Fast forward about a year (so september/october 2009) things get bad, infact worse than they were the first time. This time he's decided he's going to move out, find his own apartment and get out of there. Only problem, other than not having an apartment lined up, the money for rent/food etc. Again my family swoops in and saves his poor behind. He needs time to get on student funding for this kind of thing from the government. And then start looking for housing that falls in his budget. We all thought this would take a few weeks to a couple months at the most.
Well it's not February... If I've counted correctly that's 5 months approx. Things were fine for a while, I won't lie. It was kind of fun. Only problem is, a couple weeks before he moved in, we (my mother brother and I, my parents are divorcing) moved into a semi-detached home where the basement is rented out to a university student. Now that means we have the main level and and upstairs. We only have 3 bedrooms. So he gets the short stick and has to bunk out on the couch in our living room area. That seemed fine with him, because this was going to be for a very short time period.
This is where it starts getting hairy. He keeps saying he's got places lined up and he'll be moving out on X day. Said day would come and go, and guess what!! He's still on our couch. He'd make up some bull shit excuse and start the process again. This has happened atleast 20 times now. Most recently he said he was going to move up north to sudbury. He plans to go to a university up there and decided that he'd move there in March/April have a few months to get familiar with the area, find a job etc. Then start school..... Guess what happened to that idea! If you guessed he went early... Sorry you're wrong... If you guessed he made up some bull shit excuse and he's not moving and is still on my couch... DING DING DING DING DING!!! We have a winner! That's exactly whats happening.
Again I understand the job and real estate market is looking like crap since this whole recession thing started. So I knew going into this it was going to take a bit of extra time to find a place and have the money and everything. That was fine. But then my mom comes up with this "great idea". Now let me set the "scene" for you. I'm in a 10x8 room... that's not big, I'm used to having atleast DOUBLE that for my room. I also have my pet rabbit living in the room with me. There isn't a lot of room, I'm a girl I've got a million pounds of clothing and need every inch of space I can get my hands on for all my random "girly stuff". In order to help with this issue we got me what's known as a loft bed. For those who don't know what a loft bed is, think of a bunk bed, but get rid of the bottom bunk. That's a loft bed. I love my bed, it's a queen, it's huge, and comfy and I wouldn't change it for the world (ok maybe I'd take my boyfriend's bed.....). Now under my bed is my desk, I haven't used it since we moved because it's currently still got tons of crap from the move on it. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to be putting everything come full unpack so I haven't used my desk. My mom in her brilliancy says we can get rid of my desk "because I never use it" and put a small futon down there. That was my friend can have an actual room.... I'm sorry, when did my room become OUR room?!?!
I have no problem with different sexualities. If you're male and like other guys, awesome, like girls, awesome, are you transsexual, awesome. I DON'T CARE WHAT PART OF THE HUMAN BODY YOU LIKE! But when it starts encroaching on my personal space we have an issue. I've come home some nights and see my friend and his boyfriend pretty much going at it on my couch. That's not ok with me.. And I don't want that happening in what is my room. I've been having issues with the kid living in my house for months now, and no one has listened to me one bit, except for my boyfriend and his family. I spend more time at his place than I do at my own house because being at my house makes me soo miserable it isn't funny. Now if the plan my mother had made went through I could be pissed off with something that happened in relation to my friend (the mooch) and want to be female and freak out and throw a small hissy fit, cry, throw things, slam doors, etc. But can't... because he'd be on his bed in my room, under my bed. And well that's uncomfortable at best. So we canned that idea.
That was a few months ago and he's still on my couch. Now I'm a person who speaks my mind (if you coudln't tell by some of my posts on here....) and well I'm only going to burden my boyfriend so much with my problems, same with his family. Well my mother puts my friend before me, (I'm not even kidding!!) so talking to her is straight out, because she'll just defend him... So I'd talk to friends at school. The know my situation and sympathize with me. At some point someone broke this trust and told my friend. He freaked. Called me a lying backstabbing bitch. Frankly I didn't care... If he was this pissed off and wants to leave... fine get out. I'm not keeping you here. He said that he was talking to his parents and that he'd be moving out by the end of this week. Guess what it's Sunday, of that week, and where is he...? Yup still on my couch.. He's been throwing this fit for days now. The funny thing, during the morning or at night before we go our seperate ways (school or bed) we're very friendly. It's weird.
So I said my mother puts my friend before me... Ya that's sad I know... But I'm not kidding. she'll drive him places but I have to find my own way (bussing, drive from my boyfriend, walk, but I need to find my own way) If he needs something special for a project or something, yup, she'll go out and buy it. Last time I checked my friend had a job and therefore had some money... I dont' have like any money becaues I haven't worked since November. Couple weeks ago I was sick with this nasty stomach flu. Literally 12 hours straight of puking my guts up. Then slept all day the next day. I got nothing from my mother. Normally when I'm sick like that my mom is there the whole time trying to help. This time I got a "what do you want me to do... there's no point in me being here" Now a couple days later my friend get sick with the same thing. What does my mom do? Gets him cool clothes to put on the back of his neck, glasses of cold water to sip, ginger ale when he was ready, popsicles to soothe his throat. She helped him! Ya that was a fun thing to find out.
So this assignment we had to do a personification. For those who don't know what personification is, it's where you take an inanimate object (like a chair, or a desk) and describe it, but using human characteristics. Like the computer monitor stared back with it's one glowing eye, watching my every move around the room. Silently stalking me waiting to draw me back in. That sort of thing. I chose to do a bed. Doubt it's triggering but since it is about a bed some might be... so you have been warned... also this is the last one I have written and edited slightly so that's all the poetry I've done. But the assignment is due on Feb 25th, (next week) and I need a total of atleast 12 poems.. so I'll have more up over the week/weekend
The bed waits,
For me, for you,
The only true friend
Quiet and listening
And ready to hug
But always there.
In the cold of night
It embraces you,
holding you safe and warm
it’s arms wrapped tightly around
ready for the tears and the angry words.
Always ready to listen
It sees us,
At our best and our worst
But always kind
Never judges our decisions,
Good bad or ugly
It sits and watches
With two eyes soft as baby’s breath
And arms open wide with warmth and tenderness
It waits for us to fall into it each night.
The only sanctuary from the world outside
The only safe place.
Probably triggering, I know writting it I was nearly triggered... so warning you guys now, it deals with a lot of issues... and yes it's part of the assignment...
Tell me I’m pretty
But only if you mean it
I’ve been lied to enough
I don’t need anymore
Without love I’m an empty shell
Floating along in life
A façade of a happy life
Smouldering with rage
Rage at the nay-sayers
The haters, the pretty ones
They said no
I was too ugly
Without this little word
I will shrivel to nothing
Turn to dust and give up
Become no more
You wish me dead
Gone, never to bother you
Be nothing more
No more than a bad memory
A stain on your perfect life
A joke with friends
To me it was everything
Without this, there is no point.
Tell me you love me
That it doesn’t matter
Don’t care what they say
Just hold me close
Keep me from harm
And never let me go.
So we had to choose a sport we find difficult and write a poem on it. I chose skeleton, those who don't know it... Think luge/bobsled but you got face/head first instead of feet/butt first....
Over 100 km/h
The deciding factor
A track solely of ice
Insane twists and turns
Moving down the hill
In the blink of an eye
Between you and the track
A small metal and fibreglass sled
Inches off the ground
No breaks or steering wheel
Only way to steer,
Shifting your body weight
Only way to stop,
Loose snow and feet
One false move and it’s over,
Flipping the sled
The chance at a medal
Gone, in the blink of an eye.
Doubt this to be a trigger, but may bring up memories some don't want to remember about being treated like an adult before you were even a child... part of the assignment
Something I can’t have
No time to relax
Cook, clean, look after
No time for me
Always on the go
With a million things undone
More responsibility than i should
Since I can remember
Look after him, keep him safe
What about me?
I give up my time for you
Putting them before me
Till I stop caring
If I’m hurt,
I still help
Sick, still helping
Always more on the list.
More things to be done
Never enough time
Or enough energy
So the list grows
Feeling like your personal Cinderella
Being forced to cook and clean
But never a reward
Only punishment for what hasn’t been done
Can’t I have a childhood?
The one you ripped from my hands
To shove responsibility in it’s place
A substitute to fill the whole where happiness should be.
A cold hard substitute
That doesn’t really fit
But it’s best you can give me
So I guess I’ll make due.
For those of you who don't know what hyperbole is, it's the act of exaduration in writing. Like that person weighed as much as an elephant would be a hyperbole. This could be a triggering poem so please be warned. Again part of the assignment I've been talking about.
Thousands of smiles
Millions of daggers
Aimed at the heart.
Causing destruction everywhere it goes
Relationships turning sour
People turning to animals
Snarling, ready to rip throats out.
Falling over themselves
To get “Mr. Right”
Doing everything in their power to win
When they strike gold
They become people possessed.
Money flying to impress
Thoughts of class thrown to the wind.
Attacking anyone who looks,
At them the wrong way
Guarding their mate
As if life depends on this person
To then have those million daggers
Thrust into your heart
Like a million bee stings
That refuse to stop burning
The ache that never leaves
A hole pierce straight through
To never feel complete
Without that person by your side.
The search continues
Only one goal in mind
We become mindless zombies
To find that perfect match.
Could trigger not sure... again part of my assignment
To my mother,
The one who gave me life,
Carried me for nine months.
Just to choose another.
We took him in,
because that’s how we are.
Gave him food and shelter
And the love he so craved.
It seemed a great arrangement,
I’d known him since we were young
To let him in seemed so right,
But now i’ve seen the lights
You chose him over me.
Your flesh and blood
Yet i’m tossed aside
Like a dirty old rag.
To be myself is wrong
Nothing is good enough
To speak my mind,
Is the cardinal sin.
You’re driving me away
Yet you don’t see
How this kills me inside
To have to say goodbye
It’s become apparent
My place is no longer here
It’s time to spread my wings
And try to disappear
You chose this runaway
Over your own flesh
Took him under your wing
But had to kick one out.
You’ve forced me to this
To take wing and soar
To find my own place
To where this tortured love will be no more.
Again, this could trigger and is part of my assignment for class..
Beauty, the double edge sword
One side soft kind and accepting
The other dipped in poison
Read to strike
The snake in the grass
Waiting for the perfect chance
To sink it’s teeth in deep
And inject the lethal venom
Brainwashed to their ideals
The right hair, weight, everything
The goal is perfection
Yet impossible to ever reach
A whirlpool of plans
Marred with expectations
Turning beauty into something ugly
Turning the mind against the body.
When the body says no,
The brain says yes anyways.
Forcing the body to do as it wishes
Even if it harms
Body bending to the will of others
Self-destructing without second thought.
Just to fit in, and to be liked
Self destruction thought to be beautiful.
Causing even more problems and wishes to fit in
Fallacy the only way to attain it
Yet even that doesn’t help
Destroying lives for the hope for perfection
Depression, suicide, eating disorders.
All caused by our ideals.
Things that have been around long enough they can’t be changed.
Ok first warning... THIS MAY TRIGGER SELF-HARMERS could trigger others I don't know. It's fairly graphic and is part of a larger assignment I'm handing in in a week for my creative writing class.
Above milky white skin,
Awaiting that first contact,
The delicious pain and release.
The sharpened end glitters
Light reflecting off polished metal
As if welcoming you into the abyss
Waiting for you to make the first move
A lion in a cage
Waiting to pounce on fresh meat
Praying the door will rise soon
Licking dried lips
Imagining the feel ofthe blade
Feeling it cut without resistance
Separating layers of flesh into two
Smelling hte blood
Coppery and thick
From bright to dark red as it pools
Waiting for that first taste.
The white hot pain blinds
As blood bubbles up
Covering the wound and arm
Proving what you have done
Blood spills over
One fat perfect drop at a time
Tumbling end over end
Hitting the frigid solid floor
Art only you can comprehend
For no one understands
To join in the perfect insanity
Another soon to be white line goes
To heal to nothing
And yet mean everything to you.
Telling a story
One of pain and suffering
Misunderstandings and truths
One written in blood and scars.
So there's a bunch I want to write about.. But can't now. Because Family Day was Monday (for those not from Canada, we have this really dumb holiday called Family Day. It's seriously pointless but an extra day off work or school plus extra pay because it's a stat holiday, I'll sure as heck take it!!) I ended up breaking my hand. Not only did I break my hand... it's my writing hand. Can we say FML? I have a creative writing class first period, then math, then biology at school. TONS of writing is required.. So screwed. It's always painful. Even typing stuff has become a chore because out of 5 possible fingers to use, I only have the use of 2, those 2 happen to be my index finger and my middle finger. So atleast I can flip someone the finger still I guess....? So my ability to write on hre is seriously minimized to next to nothing and the problem is I want to write on here.... This little blurb right here has taken me nearly a half hour to type because my hand is beign stupid. Hopefully things get better so I can write more soon because I've got atleast like 4 entries in here that I need to write out! I'll hopefully still be able to get on here and comment on people's entries and help people... Talk soon everyone! Lets all hope for a speedy recovery and for some pain medications to finally be able to work on me!!
It seems after my rape that I'd keep going back to men that I thought were trustworthy but would just use me for sex and then toss me away. Not only that but they'd brag about it, this bragging would make it's way to my friends and they would then start attacking me.
I'm going to write more on this another day but right now it's 7:35 *eastern time* and I need to leave for school in less than a half hour and I'm not even dressed yet. Ugh school.. I should write something about that at some point....
So everyone knows how certain things bond to memories very well, the smell of fresh baking bread reminds us of Grandma's house right before the holidays. A perfume/cologne of a parent, so on and so forth. It's the same with sounds. Sounds can also be in the form of songs. Maybe just the lyrics or the melody, sometimes it's the whole package rolled into one.
Well something hit me like a rock just now. I've had a bad few weeks, I'm not going into detail, that's for another time and place and whole other message entry, but today it just got to the point of overwhelming. I've had probably a good 10 hours of homework per day every day this week. Again another message entirely. But I've been listening to my Ipod over my stereo system since I got home from school today. For the most part I've been listening to System of a Down and various bands like that. Well I got through all the songs I have on my Ipod by them and decided what the heck I'm going to just put the entire 1000+ songs on my Ipod onto full shuffle. A few minutes ago a song came on, many people on here might know it. I've been near tears all day. Fighting back at them like my life depended on it. Somehow I managed not to bawl like a baby at school. But this song came on, it wasn't any studio version, oh no, it was the live version (I do believe from Japan.. it's a bonus song on one of the CD's but I don't remember what CD) But the band has the entire crowd singing. I just lost it. Couldn't stop crying. It's such a beautiful song. I think it sums up the life of a survivor fairly well.
What song is it that I've been talking about the whole time you ask? Well I'll tell you... "Perfect" By Simple Plan. And here's the lyrics:
Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
And you can't change me
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I can't be perfect
I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore
And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I can't be perfect
Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I can't be perfect
'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I can't be perfect
Ok first off I want to say this... WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO OUR OWN OPINIONS!!!!!
If I want to say I think Micheal Jackson did molest some child, that's my opinion, if I think he didn't, well again it's my opinion. No 2 opinions are 100% the same, and no opinion is ever 100% true either. There are 3 sides to a story, person "A"s side, person "B"s side, and the truth. It's possible one of their sides is more accurate than the others possibly even 99% true. But how can we tell unless we were there. And the last time I checked.. None of us where in the same place when the other survivors on here were molested/raped/assaulted etc and can't call shenanigans on our stories. We also can't do the same thing to MJ. So what if he molested a little boy, that's in the past, Micheal wanted to be left alone about that when he was alive, and his family wants that to be left alone about that now that he's gone as well. Why can't we respect his wishes, he was "the King of Pop". Was an amazing singer, songwriter, dancer, performer, and most of all he was HUMAN.
Frankly I was raped by my step brother, I've managed to forgive him for the most part and have moved on with life. I don't see Him and give him dirty looks and mumble under my breath "rapist rapist rapist" like it's my personal mantra or anything. Frankly we all make mistakes, Hell I've made more mistakes than I can count.. and I'm only 18!!! Am I proud of some of those mistakes, fuck no. Are some of them things I look back on now and say to myself wow you were a total moron? Yes, atleast once a day I mentally smack myself because I've done something really stupid that I knew not to do.
And the whole fights between people here.. You're being stupid and childish. So many people on here are being driven off the site because of all this petty squabling happening. You know what, maybe some stories from survivors sound a little farfetched... but frankly all of our stories should be lies. Why you ask I think these stories should be just that, stories? All fake, lies, with made up characters and situations? BECAUSE RAPE/MOLESTATION ETC SHOULDN'T EVER HAPPEN! No one should have to live with the knowledge that they had something taken from them in such a terrible way. This site came together so people from all over the world could band together. Show eachother that we're not alone. That together we can beat something like the terrible thing that is rape and sexual assault. The only problem is that on here we're isolating ourselves more than ever because it feels like there isn't anyone on here to trust. People that I've had on my friends list since I signed up on here and talk with very often, how do I know I can actually trust them? Frankly I think it's sad, in a place where we should feel safe, none of us are safe. All of us fear being judged on the writing of their story.
Some of us have mental problems as an after effect of their experience, some of us had pre-existing ones. We all range in age from young teens/children up to mature adults. We all have different cultures, religions, skin colours, countries/states/provinces/cities we call home. So what if I spelt something wrong? Or got a couple words mixed up and the sentence doesn't flow "smoothly"? Maybe I wrote it the way I did for a reason. I'm in a creative writing class in school right now, and we're learning that we don't have to write sentences in the way we were taught in the earlier days. Where you need a subject and an action. You. Can. Have. Sentences. Like. The. Past. Seven. I just wrote. We write things in the way we write them for a reason. Stop calling people out on stupid things. If you feel all high and mighty because you called out "Johnnybean234" because his spelling was off over the internet... Congratulations, your life must kinda suck if you're stuck getting enjoyment from other people's misery, not only that but OVER THE INTERNET!
I'm sorry if this pissed you off, but I didn't hold you to the screen to read this entry. This is me using my freedom of speech. Didn't like it? Well you read it...
"Violet rather sick... mayb this stems from a joke by bf's friend saying he'd rape me.. hmmmm"
I know I had A LOT of people concerned when I posted this around 2 weeks ago, and trust me it sent me for a bit of a loop and then some. And I'm sorry if this triggers anything for anyone who decides to read this, but it's something I need to write in order for people to get clarity and to not worry anymore.
So couple of weeks ago a couple of my boyfriend's friends wanted to go tobagoning (we live in Canada.... there's snow, which means we find the biggest snowiest/icyest hill get some sort of tobaggan and trudge to the top then slide down and do it again... I'm Canadian and it makes no sense to me either....) I had only spent a really small time with him and just didn't want to go home and spend the rest of the evening at home alone. So I decided what the hell, lets spend time with the guys and freeze my face off on the top of a hill. (Again insane I know!)
Now I have to "set the scene" for you, it's me and 5 guys. All of which are 19 or older, I'm only 17. So of course there will be jibes flying left and right sexually. It's normal for these guys. If I didn't see crotch grabs and "Boob" grabs etc every few mintues, I'd be concerned to be quite honest. And that stuff is fine with me. It's when things start turning on me or me and my boyfriend that I start having issues with it and it makes me uncomfortable.
I've said it before with this group of guys that things usually get hairy between them and myself, or myself and my boyfriend. This time it crossed the line. The last time it happened it was over oral sex (see previous entry titled And so the cycle continues). After much fun had by all and much goofing off this one friend very casually makes the comment to my boyfriend that he "Wants to rape me and wanted to know if that was ok with my boyfriend". I will give it to him that he didn't know. He doesn't know my past, because most people out there then treat you like glass and we're fragile and all this stuff, which frankly I think is a load of horse-shit because I think it makes us stronger in some places. So he doesn't know the idea of rape isn't funny to me. The other problem is that not only is he a male 21 year old (yay raging sex drive) he's also an only child. So he's never really learned about the whole idea of a filter when it comes to the things we say.
After he says this I've already started to walk home. Again Canadian winter, it's -20 (Celcius) with a wind chill of nearly -30 and I'm walking home, in jeans and a winter jacket. I can't feel most of my body and I've got atleast an hours worth of walking to do now, and it's only getting colder. We're also on a fairly steep hill, but it's also very icey so it's not exactly the best idea to walk down this puppy. But I start anyway because when someone says rape and it's directed at me, I take it very seriously and need to escape. As it so happens my boyfriend intercepts me and just holds me. In the middle of this hill with his friends all around. I'm crying and blabbering on incoherently and shivering and just being a total mess. The next 10 minutes are spent this way, with him just holding me telling me he'll keep me safe and that his friend didn't mean it and that it was a mistake and kissing my forehead/top of my head and just in general trying to make me feel better.
So that's an explanation of my status. That's all I'm writting for tonight.... Good dent in the things I wanted to write over the course of like 3 days... In like 2 hours... So I'm logging off for the night to get some much needed rest and then right back at it tomorrow. To get the next 2 or so MAJOR things I need to get up on here.. The other ones are things that are going to take some time.
So I know, I posted on Friday that I'd be posted an absolute crap load of stuff on here about stuff....
I also realize, that hasn't exactly happened. I'm sorry to those that I got hopes up for this weekend for much ranting and raving by me (I know some of them can be quite funny) but due to unforseen circumstances that hasn't happened. I've had this killer headache for over 2 weeks now, to put it into perspective take a jack hammer put it beside your ear for 2 weeks then have another one pounding on the base of your skull. That's about what has been happening to me. Most days it's been managable. Barely. But I've been getting by. Yesterday I meant to post atleast 2 different things on here, sadly this headache got insane! It was so bad that it actually made me really dizzy and a little bit queezy. Nothing would help it, not any kinds of headache meds, not even my crazy powerful migrane medication did much. I'd probably taken 2 times the recommended dose of medication for myself in a couple of hours to try and take even a small edge off the pain. None helped, and it took me nearly 2 hours to fall asleep just to take a nap in order to see if that would help the headache. Helped for about 45 minutes after I woke up for dinner. Then it started all over again. Thankfully there was no throwing up but things coasted along with much misery and unhappiness. Again took me nearly 2 hours to fall asleep.
Normally at night when I got to bed I spend 45 minutes or so reading. This reading happens online on my Ipod touch. This is because there are a few sites I go to, to read online. I don't usually use my laptop because it's a BEAST of a laptop (17 inch screen) and everything. It made me extremely queezy and left me really over heated and feeling worse. Feeling better today, YAY, but I'm leaving to go see my cousin in Hamilton. Now this is because she JUST had a baby girl (Sara) last Friday. We wanted to go visit after the family came home from the hospital. So that sort of kills my chances of putting anything on here today. I wil try my best to get some stuff posted tomorrow since I have the day off school (yay highschool exams and such) But I must get off because we are leaving shortly to pick up some fixings for garlic cheese toast (yummy!) And then picking up my wonderful boyfriend and heading out.
So I will try and get back online later today if possible and get a couple things up and if not work like a crazy person on them tomorrow since I seemed to have gotten some people's hopes up when I posted last.
So many things I need to talk about.. not enough time. I will however be on here later (hopefully tonight) to talk about it all....
That's the hope atleast... For those of you wondering about my status that has been on here for a little while now... I will explain it in one of the messages on here. Then there is something that is straight pissing me off, and one thing that is making me resent and absolutely HATE someone in my life, but love someone else all the more...
Sorry if this leaves anyone hanging and wondering as to what the crap I am talking about, but it will all be made clearer hopefully by the end of this weekend. Also I left a bunch of you guys hanging with one of (if not my last) my messages on here about my rapist being at my house, I will give an update on that soon as I can because I know a lot of you have been asking what has happened with all of that.
Thank you guys for continuing to support and as always everyone stay strong!