It's been 13+ years since I was that little 6 year old. 13 years of silence.
That was until yesterday when things hit breaking point between my mother and I. I finally told her I was abused.
I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to make her feel like she didn't protect me. I never wanted to inform her that her once little girl had been hurt.
As I've grown older I have wanted to tell her, but I also wanted to protect her. I have just given my mother another reason to hurt, a shock bigger than any other.
Mum and I had been fighting constantly, she's been hurt and depressed. She's been bringing up the fact that I've been pushing her away since my 9th birthday. She's been pushing me away because I pushed her away. Little did she know the reasons behind. I stopped lettling her see me get changed, I stopped letting her get close to me. I was a really clingy child and couldn't stand to be apart from her, until abuse changed my way of thinking. It was like a switch was flicked in my head. Ever since I was 9 I turned to violence towards her. I knew I was stronger than her, I would push her away from me whilst screaming at her to leave me alone. I would slam doors shut, force doors shut; anything to get away.
My beautiful, beautiful mother couldn't understand why her attached child without warning just began pushing her away.
For 10 years all because of my cousin hurting me I pushed away the most important woman in my life.
The violence stopped, I don't know how long it lasted, maybe 2 years but it did stop. Thank goodness it did. Violence is not me. I would never hurt a fly. That was a very dark stage in my life and I for some reason felt i needed to protect myself from someone completely innocent.
I have been hurting my mother for 10 years. It kills me. She deserves none of the hurt. I wish more than anything I could take it all back.
As a result of a fight between my mother and I about the same thing, my childhood mistakes, I lost it and told her the truth. She now knows the reasons behind my actions towards her. She feels terrible, and I feel terrible because of that.
I thought you're meant to feel better after breaking the silence?
My poor mother isn't sleeping, she feels guilty for not protecting me. She wants to know details but I'm not ready to go there. Saying that it happened was hard enough :(
I want the relationship to get better between Mum and I. She's so sorry and promises to never bring up my actions again. She finally has an understanding of why which is what I wanted, but I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if things will get better.
I didn't think of what would come after I told, and I forgot that she's the type who wants to know every detail of every situation to make sence of it in her head...
I love her so much but I can't help but think that maybe things would have been better for her if I'd of kept my silence.....
I feel really numb right now, I don't know what to think.
If anyone has read my last post, I was having issues with doctors..
Since then I have been referred to our Royal Children's Hospital to try and get some answers and help for my health issues.. Its the most high profile childrens/adolescent hospital in the country and I am so scared!
My appointment is tomorrow... I really don't know what to expect or what they're going to do...
I'm really worried about being touched, even if it's just my stomach... the feeling of hands on me makes me really nervous and I'm going to face all that and more tomorrow and I have no idea how I'm going to react...
There's none of the people I normally would talk to online at the moment, so if anyone has any tips of dealing with this sort of thing it would be much appreciated...
I thank you all in advance and for all the help you have given me when I've asked... I am so appreciative of it!
I've only ever posted one poem here early last year.. and I was doing ok since....
Writing and posting that poem really helped, it was kind of a release, but the truth is I really don't think I ever stopped struggling, but I guess I was always 'ok' enough to cope with it on my own...but of late things have been different...
I've been sick for 16 months now, and it's since turned into chronic fatigue.. I have not been to school since October 30th 2008 when i was sent home so unwell... I was forced to leave my job and was unable to participate in my passion of figure skating... In a matter of days my whole life was turned upside down and became practically a prisoner in my own home. Skating has always been my release.. I guess it was my way of forgetting about the world... It was amazing how you could just get lost in the music while you're out there, I can't imagine theres anything else like it! I went from skating 5 days a week between 2 and 3 times a day on weekends, to barely leaving my bedroom..
What I'm trying to say, is that skating was my way of coping, nothing else mattered when I was out on that floor, and since that's been taken from me... there's been nothing left.. I've felt empty.. and there was no way to escape the memories of my child hood... the only thing to do is think... I've lost friends, I've lost everything, so there's just me, my bedroom, my parents (who have no idea anything ever happened to me) and the memories... It's been sixteen long months of just that...
So, I've been to doctor after doctor trying to find a way to get better, so i can get my life back... but I was referred to a new doctor who is a GP and Naturopath... I guess I had high hopes, I saw him for the first (and last) time on Monday.. He completely freaked me out, not to mention he has similar facial features to one of my abusers...
all doctors do these routine things, I understand that... but I couldn't cope with it...
He asked me to take my jumper off so he could check my blood pressure.. that's fine, but I was in a singlet and jeans and that made me feel uncomfortable because i guess i don't like showing that "much" of myself.. but I accepted that was going to happen, i didnt like it, but i expected it...
What got me though was when i had to walk to the other side of the room.. and the way he looked at me, up and down.. it just freaked me...but the hardest part was when he made me lie on the table to check my stomach.. he pulled up my top and my jeans down a little and felt around my abdomen... that just freaked me out completely... I hate being touched... all other doctors I've had have warned me that they're going to do it, so I expect it, but he just did it, and it caught me off guard... I really couldn't cope...
all that and just the way he talked and his manor just really was a bad mix for me.
it scared me.. and then that triggered the bad thoughts... and I can't put my self through that.. it really got at me.. way more so than any other doctor I've seen..It's probably stupid.. I hate feeling like this.. but just wish i could snap out of it....
he actually made me feel really uncomfortable, I felt like that little girl again... I really didnt have a good feeling about him...
So as a result I'm not going back... but now I'm fighting with my parents because they don't understand why I felt uncomfortable because I don't have the courage to tell them what my reasons are... So that's not good.. and they're really not happy with me (because they want be healthy again too)... So some pretty horrible words have been thrown around.... he just really scared me and took me back to a pretty dark place... But I can't tell them that...
I really just need some advise on how to move on.. how do I cope with these things... Not even a doctor can touch me, or look at me without my heart starting to race, or me jumping out of fright when I'm touched... my mum's starting to think I'm messed up, and now I'm starting to believe it too....
I don't know how to cope with this anymore... I want to feel the things that normal people feel... I want to learn to trust, I want to be able to be touched and feel safe.. I want to be normal... Please help me.....
I'm sorry this is so long too.... I just really needed to get it off my chest...
Hi all, i have already posted this poem before but there was an error with the posting as it had all coding above the poem, so here it is without all the codes...
By Alyce 24-04-09
Life once young, innocent and fun
picturesque scenes thought to never come undone
Soon a girls life was about to change,
she went from playing Lego,
to experiencing torture and rage.
Her cousin said he loved her,
and that’s what lovers do,
He told her she was beautiful…
What was she to do?
Forced not to tell she went out
acting as though nothing had come about,
One young soul only just in school,
battered and bruised, she was left,
feeling so different from the rest
thinking it was in the past, was in vein
because soon her next door neighbour,
Decided to show her more pain
Again told she was beautiful,
what a horrible word that came to be,
it’s now something she never wants to be
Years since then have come now gone,
memories haunt her by night and day
never able to escape her fears,
trust and love are words she doesn’t know,
she pleads for help, but not out loud.
Some one save her, she’s drowning now