It's been 13+ years since I was that little 6 year old. 13 years of silence.
That was until yesterday when things hit breaking point between my mother and I. I finally told her I was abused.
I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to make her feel like she didn't protect me. I never wanted to inform her that her once little girl had been hurt.
As I've grown older I have wanted to tell her, but I also wanted to protect her. I have just given my mother another reason to hurt, a shock bigger than any other.
Mum and I had been fighting constantly, she's been hurt and depressed. She's been bringing up the fact that I've been pushing her away since my 9th birthday. She's been pushing me away because I pushed her away. Little did she know the reasons behind. I stopped lettling her see me get changed, I stopped letting her get close to me. I was a really clingy child and couldn't stand to be apart from her, until abuse changed my way of thinking. It was like a switch was flicked in my head. Ever since I was 9 I turned to violence towards her. I knew I was stronger than her, I would push her away from me whilst screaming at her to leave me alone. I would slam doors shut, force doors shut; anything to get away.
My beautiful, beautiful mother couldn't understand why her attached child without warning just began pushing her away.
For 10 years all because of my cousin hurting me I pushed away the most important woman in my life.
The violence stopped, I don't know how long it lasted, maybe 2 years but it did stop. Thank goodness it did. Violence is not me. I would never hurt a fly. That was a very dark stage in my life and I for some reason felt i needed to protect myself from someone completely innocent.
I have been hurting my mother for 10 years. It kills me. She deserves none of the hurt. I wish more than anything I could take it all back.
As a result of a fight between my mother and I about the same thing, my childhood mistakes, I lost it and told her the truth. She now knows the reasons behind my actions towards her. She feels terrible, and I feel terrible because of that.
I thought you're meant to feel better after breaking the silence?
My poor mother isn't sleeping, she feels guilty for not protecting me. She wants to know details but I'm not ready to go there. Saying that it happened was hard enough :(
I want the relationship to get better between Mum and I. She's so sorry and promises to never bring up my actions again. She finally has an understanding of why which is what I wanted, but I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if things will get better.
I didn't think of what would come after I told, and I forgot that she's the type who wants to know every detail of every situation to make sence of it in her head...
I love her so much but I can't help but think that maybe things would have been better for her if I'd of kept my silence.....
I feel really numb right now, I don't know what to think.