On Feb 12th my doctor sent me to the hospital to get some extra testing on how my baby was doing. They ended up keeping me over night. I got a call the next morning asking me if I was ready to meet my son.

They induced my labor at 9:30am on Feb 13th and I had my son Aidan Tyler at 8:12pm.  Coming out at 6lbs 13oz, 20 1/2 in long, he is nothing short of perfection.

Labor was easier then I imagined it to be, it all felt natural. Perhaps maybe it was getting to hold him in my arms that made it so simple.

I couldnt be any more in love.

We are watching his condition to see what needs to be done, but we will roll with the punches and take it day by day from here

Seems like the only time im able to come on here is to check on my friends now a days, figured some may would like an update on myself.

I am coming up on my due date for Aidan. Suppose to be Feb 16th, but I really dont think hes gonna stay till then lol.

Gotta say hes very...stubborn. He has had a kidney disorder since my 26th week and its been something we have watched....I found out today its something a bit further. He has something wrong with his blatter which may have caused his kidney disorder. Im on two weekly appointments from here on to make sure he is safe in regards to that fluid around him. They have me going to a specialty hospital for delivery and we are pretty sure he is going to be having surgery within days of birth. Going to have to see how that comes about.

But..on a good note....he is huge lol.....hes 6lbs 15 oz as of today and we are very excited to meet him. I cant wait to see what hes going to look like lol

Oh...and he just decided he wanted to be breech...so thats going to be very interesting...he may be a c-section at this point...wont know just yet.

I will be posting soon as to how hes doing.

Hope everyone is doing well

 So I had an ultrasound today to check on the progress of my baby....to make sure its growing properly and everything.

Well they could tell the sex and it turns out we are having a little Boy!

Im so excited its crazy. The doctors said hes growing just as he should and that everything looks good. He wouldnt stop moving for her lol

The Doc called me once we got home and said that he only has one concern...Aidan (His name) has a slightly large kidney and they are going to watch it. They dont know if its going to fix itself or get worse so we will have to see at my next ultrasound in 4 weeks.

Im happy to hear hes growing well and stuff. 

Im stressed though.....money is tight and we want to get a place before the baby comes...but my Mother wants us to get a lease with her for a year and I dont think I can handle that.....I want to have a house with my man and our child...I dont want to sit in a house with my parents to raise my child.

I just wish I knew what to do.

I am just happy with how well the baby is doing and it keeps me from stressing

Hope everyone is doing well

Take care.

 So guys....

Long time no talk. Guess I have been so busy with things I havent been coming on here as often as I should. I miss it sometimes....just coming on here to vent and tell another peice of myself and feel better.

Well I think everyone will be happy to know things are going very well for me. Me and my boyfriend just past our two year Anniversary and we are happier then ever. For more then one reason.

We just found out that we are expecting a baby. I am not far along but we are very happy. I found out at the begining of this week and have been on pins and needles since. Freakiing out and worrying and then being so excited I cant stand it. Its very confusing lol

But anyway....I have been working a lot lately, hardly really having days off, and my boyfriend the same. We are saving money as of right now and hopefully things are going to go as planned and hopefully not as last year when I experienced my miscarriage. That made Mothers day a very hard ordeal for me. 

Him and I should be getting married here in a few months once im a bit farther along and out of the danger zone.

Lots has changed in me since I started coming on this site. My past has slowly become a scar that only burns from time to time. But I have my days. Im actually scared about whats gonna come up later in my pregnancy...wondering if somethings gonna happen to them like me...or like so many others...but I suppose I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

I miss all of my friends here dearly.....

Im sorry I havent been around as much as I use too :( I will try to come on here at least a few times a week

I love and miss you all.

Take care

 I lost you before I could even meet you

Before I could hold you in my arms and kiss away tears....

Before I could see those beauitul eyes or hear that sweet laugh....

I lost you

And I miss you.

I miss how June 24th and Febuary 14th will never be the same

Because they are the days I lost you, and the day I should have had you

I miss the chance I could have had when you were born....

The life you WOULD have had.....but wont.

And I hate that I didnt protect that life.

.............................................

I wish I could make it right....

That in a few days I will feel you small and safe in my arms....

But I wont....I wont and I want too.

Its not fair....

I miss you

You know....

I really thought things were getting better. I mean....honestly. I have gottan so much better over the last 2 years. Im finally starting to feel like its healing....

But then I look back and see the problems that linger with me in everyday life. Things that are a direct cause of the house I lived in and the past I faced.

I suffer from an addiction that causes me great shame.....one that makes me hate looking in the mirror to see the freak I have become through it all. For one reason or another.....I crave the very thing that hurt me all those years ago.

I just dont understand :(

I cant deny it....and I cant help it....I have tried so many times to change....but I still feel the urges all the same.

I have urges for pain....and...sex.....and....things I just cant talk about. And I know its normal to have some urges...but its been going on so long, and is to a point that I know there is something wrong.

Its been this way all my life :( 

It even causes problems in my realtionship with my boyfriend.......I mean...I know he loves me and he says he doesnt want me to change...but at the same time I can tell he gets frustrated with me.....

I guess in some way its expected......I have read online that 80% of sex addicts were sexually abused and came from a home where the family was cold, distant and didnt have much contact. Thats pretty much my whole life summed up....so I guess it shouldnt seem so bad to me....

But I feel like such a freak......like im in the wrong for being this way...

All of this just makes me realize how many LONG lasting problems I have from my past....

Thanks for reading.....hope nobody sees me any different...

Take care

Im not the only one in my family that was sexually abused....

My cousin was. By more then one person.

As she got older....it took her down a rather rocky path....she made mistakes and tried to make up for them. Shes been trying to get her life on track. Yet it seems like no matter what....she is always getting hurt.

She has literally been raped and sexually harrassed by more men then I can count on both hands. She just told me today that last month a guy that had been bothering her took her into the back room of her work place and raped her. And when she told her husband...he said she wanted it.

Im absolutely horrified.....she didnt tell me...and she didnt report him.....she saw him for weeks after the act until she finally quit her job. She couldnt handle it anymore.

She couldnt fight....her natural reaction is to freeze....its happened so many times over the years that she cant stop it.....

I feel so horrible :'(

I know that the statistics tell people that if you've been raped or sexually abused your more likely to get preyed upon again...but....why? Can they just smell it on us or something? Is that why they just choose to hurt us?

Will it ever end? Does this mean im gonna have to look over my shoulder every time im at my job or on the street, terrified that its gonna happen to me again?

I dont even know what to think.....

Shes been thinking about hurting herself for the last week. Shes not in any danger now....but I hate how much pain shes in...I want to help her so much.....she doesnt deseve to keep going through this :'(

None of us do....

Its just not fair :'(

Its 3:30 AM right now.....and....I find myself wide awake after a nightmare.

But thats not what bothers me. A friend of mine from High school was found dead on tuesday. He didnt even get to have his 20th birthday that was suppose to be on the 28th of this month.

It really got me thinking. About a lot of things. A very good friend of mine that I lost earlier this year....all the vererans that have died in wars past. Of all different ages....many...never even got the chance to live. Their friends and family lost them....and nothing can ever bring them back

It just....hurts to know...that so many lifes are lost. Most of which dont even get remembered, if not for a day like today. But what about my friend? After 5 years....10 years.....who will remember him apart from his family and really close friends? I mean....I see people posting on his facebook wall saying how they cant believe hes gone...but the truth is...in a few years he will just be another person gone.

It hurts to think about when I think about the ones I love, that have been lost. Because the idea that someone could EVER forget them just...kills me.

I dont understand it. Why DO the good die young? Whats the point? Taking a Father from his children and wife before he even reaches 25 years old. What did he do to deserve that? Why do they have to forever miss him?

Its not fair.

A 19 year old man now will never even get to HAVE children! Will never be able to smile at a wife he could have had or grow old and see their grandbabies. No. Instead his lifes ended.

Death happens. I know that. Its how things are....and im honestly not afraid of that. But that doesnt mean its fair to have to die before your life has even begun.

My grandmother and my great grandmother past away in the last two years. It was peaceful. They were old and had spent their lives here on earth, so losing them was only natural. It hurt...but not like this. This just isnt right :'(

To the many veterans out there. Both who have been taken by death or still alive today. Be proud of who you are.

To John. RIP my friend. You will be missed

To Aares....RIP. You are very much missed. I hope Heaven is beautiful. Thank you for letting me know you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuMR_NH55aY

Alright everyone...last month I took my GED and have been waiting for my results. Yesterday I finally got them. 

Im proud to admit, I passed with flying colors. I am beyond happy. This is a HUGE step in the right direction for me :D

My past pretty much causued me to flop out of school....so getting the GED just shows that im moving forward.

Thanks for reading all :D

Take care

You know what? I am so tired of hurting.....of feeling so great and finally feeling like im going somewhere in my life....only to feel scars burn. To feel like I can never get away from it.

I swear....its like its chasing me.

Now....I do understand that I havent been posting about how much it gets to me in months because of my boyfriend and since hes gone suddenly it hurts. Thats how my Mother believes anyway. But I hope you guys understand thats not the case. I hurt on random days when it gets to me. It bothers me monday and not tuesday. It hurts then but not now. I dont fucking know. But for some reason people seem to think that just because im not expressing that pain, that when I DO, I have a want for attention.

Why? I dont understand. Cant I express myself when I dont have the person who I DO express myself with, IS NOT here? Guess not.

Im just...plain sick of it......of the pain.....of the fucking nightmares.....of people around me acting like this....I just...wish it would go away

*Sigh*

As you guys can see....im having a very bad week.....I honestly wish I could say it wasnt my friends fault...but it was. What happened caused a chain reaction that I honestly cant stop...and its killing me. Once again, I woke up from nightmares, and have been feeling very bad. I went off on one of my friends and actually randomly said "Did you know I was raped? Yeah, sexualy abused for two years. Plus tortured in school. Then adding that to the mental, verbal and emotional abuse my Mom put on me, Im lucky I didnt kill myself when I was 16 like I wanted too" I mean seriously.....I did. And I did it because im jealous and envious of the life she lives. She is 20 years old and she wont grow the fuck up when I had to fucking grow up when I was 5 fucking years old. Hell. Since the second I was born. I wasnt ALLOWED to be a child. And every single thing that happened to me just wripped that innocence away from me more and more. She is lucky. She has it easy. She acts like the world is about her and her boyfriend.....and.....she thinks the world is perfect. And believe me...I have no problem with that...in fact I wish I had that life.....but there comes a time in your life that you have to grow up. Not have it wripped away from you like us...but to just be at that point when you look around and say "Alright. I am an adult, and I need to make something of myself. Make good choices. Move on" She doesnt get it. Shes past that point....and sometimes...when you come across those kind of people...the only way to make them see is to snap them into the real world...

Granted...I really didnt mean for it to come off the way it did......and I really scared her...because I sort of just...exploded.....she found out more about me in the span of an hour then she has in the entire 5-6 years shes known me. And thats saying something.

Im just not really doing to good....

And I dont have someone to talk to....not at the moment....my boyfriend is working all the time...and we dont get to talk much because of it....so when it hurts...I can only turn to a selected few...and posting messages like this.

I wish I knew how to just....make the pain stop.....but I dont....so I guess its time to push through the hurt and walk forward.

Easier said then done, huh? :( I know.....

Thanks for listening to me rant....I just.....cant stop some times.

Take care

I know I have been posting a lot more lately....but I really cant help it...

Everything is just getting to me......its like...the more stress im under the more my past creeps up on me

I cant figure out why im such a freak....why it cant just leave me the fuck alone. I have been great, things going good....then my support went away and I feel like im buckling under the weight.

Know what happened today to remind me of what a freak I am and how messed up I am? A girlfriend of mine slept over the past two days and thats fine...honestly. I really enjoyed the company. She sleeps in my room with me on my bed....and in a lot of ways it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my past, I am an extrememly light sleeper....you move and I wake up....I hear something and I wake up. God forbid you touch me.....

Well she warned me that she may end up sorta cuddling with me in her sleep without her meaning too...I told her I understood...and in a way I tried to avoid it, but in the end. I woke up this morning, on the verge of panic because of a nightmare and having someones arm around me.....and then getting up, I nearly cried because I just felt....so stupid....getting so upset over my friend touching me.....I just....I couldnt take it......cause....shes use to her husband...so in her sleep she like...kissed my neck once and then had her arm around me....she wasnt doing it to make me uncomfortable or anything..........so...waking up to that...bothered me.......and...I hate myself for being so....weak. That I cant get over it enought to even allow a woman to touch me.....no one but my boyfriend can touch me when im asleep.....

:'(

I feel like....its my fault......

She feels so badly....and it tears me up that she feels so bad....because its not her fault.....but she hates that she upset me so much.....she just said that if I wanted her to go home she would understand :'( and...its not even that......I just....I cant take how its making me feel....

I dont know what to do......right now, im beating myself up so badly......I feel so....wrong......like I shouldnt feel this way......shouldnt be making such a big deal about this...but I cant help it......

It seems every time I lose my support system I lose myself.......I guess I really am weak mentally :'(

I wish I could just....stay strong.....and NOT let this fucking shit get to me like it does....

Im sorry for the ramble....im just really upset....and I cant do anything but write...

Thanks for reading.

Take care

If there was ever a song that gave me hope.....it would be this one

I cant explain it......its like....it starts so sad....and seems to grow.....

It...heals......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99GyFmnH59s&feature=related

Its the path we all take.....and....I think some of you should hear it....

Take care

Let this song guide you

Some days I feel okay...

Others I just hurt

Whether flashbacks that make me flinch

Or nightmares that keep me up

I think I can handle them

Until they sneak up on me

And then they hurt all the same

I cry and I cry as I try to fight the pain

Wishing I was strong enough to make it go away

Another day of panic...

Another night without sleep...

I hope one day they stop... :(

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I had another nightmare last night.......one that made me wake up gasping and my heart racing.....it was different then my normal nightmares though. I was the same age as the abuse.....and it was a man I didnt know. He came into my house and coaxed me into the bathroom where he made me....do something to him....it reminded me so much of what use to happen with my brother......

I hate having nightmares....so much....it remindes me how weak I am......

Even my Father said it....that I am very mentally weak because I wont face my problems in life, they were coming out so heavily in my sleep......I hate being told im weak....that im a coward....its not fair..... :(

I mean......I knew I wasnt that strong.....but...anyone that knows me....knows I put on a strong face......I guess being told something I have believed for a long time, just really really hurts....

I dont know....I just hate that my nightmares are coming back even a little bit.

They had gone away for the most part when my boyfriend was around me......he made me feel safe.....so my nightmares got less and less...but with him away....they seem to be coming back slowly....

*Sigh* I hope all of my friends are okay and moving forward

Take care all

Hello PWP family,

I know I havent updated in a while, and thats mostly because I have been doing so well. Things have been pretty crazy for the last few months, but mostly in a good way. And for those of you who know me, im sure appreciate an update on my healing path.

Well.....as some may know, my boyfriend of almost a year (at the time) moved in with me in April. I was very happy for it and just knew this was going to be the thing to get my life started. To help me move forward that much more. Turns out I was completely right.....he was my absolute saving grace and he still is. He made me see things I never thought I would.....like how my past isnt all that I have. My past doesnt rule my life.....he showed me I could be beautiful. He showed me a side of myself I never knew.....one that was...happy. Everyone around me said I was 'giddy' and that it was just the 'puppy love' stage and that after a while I would get out of it. They just didnt understand that I had waited my entire life for this and it was what I looked like happy. I didnt get out of it.....in fact...I just fell more in love with him and things were just amazing. Then they got better. I got pregnant.....I didnt think I could have ever been as happy as I was then.....my life was perfect in that moment. My past just didnt matter at that second. All that mattered was my baby and the man I loved. This was short lived though.....I lost the baby only two days after I found out, at 6 weeks. It tore me apart....because I was so happy and I felt that it was ripped away from me. For a few weeks I was down and hurting....and I still hurt when I think about it....but in the end....losing the baby set me on a very good path.

Losing the baby made me realize...that just because I lost it, doesnt mean I should do all the things I wanted to for the baby......I wanted to go to college, and to be successful. I wanted my baby to be brought up knowing Mommy and Daddy could do it, so he or she could do it too. I wanted to make my baby proud. I wanted to make a better life for myself and for us.

I realized that shouldnt change just because its not there anymore. Because maybe one day my baby will come back to me and I am going to be ready next time. I am going to make sure my baby has the best of everything in a house with parents that love them and protect them. And thats how its going to be.

After that happend, I had all this in mind and am taking my GED tomorrow. I am going to be better. For my boyfriend, for the baby I loved so much, and for myself.

On Sunday my boyfriend had to move back to TN. It hurts very much to be away from him, but there was just no jobs here in FL. So he moved back so he could get a job. He had an interview today and got the job! I am so excited for him and for us. Because now that he has a job, hes going to save for a little while and then I am going to be moving to TN to start my life with him in our house. From there I will go to college and get a job. We hope to have the move done by Dec. and then from there we hope to get married (within 2 years) and then have children when we know we can handle it better financially.

Thats the plan and we hope to stick to it. But we all know, life throws curve balls and things get hard.

My past does still effect me, but I am moving forward.

I hope everyone is on their own healing path and doing well.

As always,

Take care

 Hello friends :)

I cant even begin to tell you how happy I am at this second.

 I just found out that I am in fact, pregnant. Probably somewhere between 5 and 6 weeks along.

Me and my boyfriend are beyond happy about this......we wanted nothing more then it to be real..and now it is.

I havent told many people.....but the few I have are very happy for us. The problem is....how do I tell my parents? I have a feeling that they will NOT be happy about it at all. 

Anyone thats been there, can you please give me some advice? Im worried that my Mom will tell me to get rid of it. Not that I ever would....but if I dont she may kick me out. Thats the thing....I will leave.

But other then that....im really happy. I just know I have to tell them at some point.....im gonna need to see a doctor. I have to make sure that the baby is doing okay and stuff. 

Thank you for reading :) 

Take care to all my friends

 Hey everyone

A few may know that a few months ago my boyfriend got here. Things have been amazing. I've honestly never been happier. At first I was sleeping more, eating more, and just flat out content. Even my nightmares had gone away for the most part.

But for reasons I cannot explain or understand...my body is starting to sleep less and less...my nightmares are coming back. My boyfriend says its because im getting use to him being around me.....so my body is just going back to what it knows. Insomnia. Thing is...I dont WANT to be that way! I want to sleep peacfully and be happy!

I dont want things to crash.........

I dont want to go back to the way I was...not when I felt like I was finally moving forward.

I mean....since hes gottan here...things have been so perfect....I can even be intimate and not be afraid. Hell.....I may even be pregnant. Not that I can say anyone besides my boyfriend and myself (as well as a few friends) would be happy about it. I myself....would be beyond happy.....it would just make everything even better then it already is....

I am just afraid that im gonna fall into bad habits again......gonna start letting my past haunt me to much, like I use to.

I made promises to not only myself, but friends, that I wouldnt give up...and that I wouldnt let it get to me like I did.....I dont want to break them.

In other news.....im gonna be getting ready to take my GED sometime real soon. Im going to take my pre-test on monday.....

I really am movin forward.

I just wish Sean and Aares could be here to see it.....I miss them.

So thats my update. I hope all my friends and all the newcomers on here are doing well and staying strong.

I'll stay updated.

Take care

 What is it and everyone just suddenly disappering?

Is it me? I dont understand.....

Now It seems I've lost another friend.

Feeling a bit worthless right now....

One of the only friends I had left.....is gone

Doubt I'll hear from him again :'(

 What is a friend, if not just someone to tell you everything will be okay

To be the one to listen when everything goes wrong

To give you hope and laughter.

To leave a mark on your heart, that will forever be remembered

They become your reason for smiling....

The savior every single one of us needs.

Even if that saving comes from changing one thing in your life.

I have had many friends.

Ones that came and went.

Some that helped me, and others that didnt

But I have only had a few that changed my life in the way im talking

He knows who he is...

And...even though I know he will never read this...I want to tell you how he helped me

He was the very first person that I could talk to about what happend to me that actually understood..

He could relate to me in ways I didnt think anyone could. 

He helped me see that, if I open myself up to the help people around me are trying to give me, I would be better off.

I can honestly say he changed my life 

He gave e hope

He helped me look past the victim I once was and see the beautiful person I am.

He wished me only happiness.....which is something, I never thought I deserved

Now I feel as though I do

I dont know what else I can say to him

Except,

Thank you.

For being my friend,

For helping me through so much,

For making me a survivor.

I will keep my promises, and I will not give up

You will be an inspiration to me for the rest of my life.

As im sure you will be for everyone you met

R.I.P My friend

I'll never forget you

 Almost 4 AM.......seems when hes not here.....I cant sleep.

Im not sure what to do....it seems so crazy.....

He makes me feel safe...takes away the nightmares.....holds me...comforts me when I cry in the middle of the night....relaxes me to the point of beinng able to sleep....yet when hes not here beside me....I cant sleep. I cant rest........I toss and I turn. Any sleep I get isnt good.....filled with nightmares and feelings of loss and lonelyness.....

And hes only in the other room... :( I know that.....but I cant shake off these feelings........im not use to feeling so attached.......so dependent....I dont know what to do

I TOLD him this would happen.....that when he wasnt here I wouldnt sleep....he knew it would happen.....yet we still cant change it. Damn my parents for not understanding everything he does for me....the comfort he brings me

I cant believe how....almost pathetic I feel :( I should NOT be feeling this way........I know theres nothing wrong with wanting him here with me....but.....its almost getting crazy.....

I hate how fucked up I am....how needy I am..... :(

Oh...and while we are on that subject......I had a flashback today...when he grabbed me...not that he meant it to happen...but it did. He got really upset...blammed himself even though IM the one with the problems and am having the nightmares and flashbacks to begin with....

Alright...im gonna stop this now before I get to upset....hopefully I can get some sleep before he wakes up and finds out I havent slept. Thanks for caring

Take care

Hey PWP family.....

Things are.....better then they have ever been in my life.....I dont understand why he makes me so comfortable....how he takes my hand and it puts all my nerves at ease while setting them on fire at the same time.

I was so afraid that things would go wrong...that his touch would bring back all the memories I never want to remember back into full view. But it hasnt....

Now....someof you may have no clue what the hell im talking about...but...some do. My boyfriend of ..a year...just moved in with me.....we had never gone far before...due to my past. And....while I was excited he was coming....(since he lived in another state for work)....I was terrified. I thought everything would go wrong with things really started moving forward. Thought triggers would happen all the time....that I would be afraid to let him near me....

But.....its now a week into it...and....im okay. I can honesty say that. Im happier then I have EVER been....and I feel like hes chasing away all my demons. He makes me feel safe and loved.....makes me feel beautiful and wanted. 

I guess the only way to explain it is this......Im the computer....hes deprogramming everything that I use to think and making me think of myself as a better person....as someone worthy of love.....pure.....beautiful......hes making me see that my past isnt everything in my life....it doesnt make me a bad person...it doesnt make me some whore that only deserves bad things....

I deserve to be happy.....and hes making me see that. I dont think I could do this without him......if he wasnt here I probably would be no better then I was last year......I would just be alone and hurting.

Now.....I really dont know what to think of the things goin on the past few days....everything is just so perfect........im not afraid of him.....he doesnt hurt me.....he takes care of me.

God....I probably seem like im rambling...but its so hard to believe...

I never thought I would feel this good....never thought I could heal....everything was just darkness....I thought it would be that way forever.....but...I guess this just goes to show you that even when it seems like there is no hope and things will never get better....they can. Im living proof of that.

Hes given me my life back......

I can walk down the street and not be so afraid....yeah....its still scary...but its gettin better.....he protects me....

I can sleep at night with his arms around me and have no nightmares........

I can be intimate with him.....and not feel so bad......

I can honestly say...that im no longer just a victim.....im a survivor

I can now say...that im somewhat happy. And things will get better.

To the man I love....Thank you.

Hey guys.......got some news.

Next week...my boyfriend is moving in......im so excited I can barley stand it.....hes been one of the best things thats ever happend to me. He honestly has made me  so much better and so much happier...now...hes lived in another state for a while now...and a few months ago my mom invited him to move in with us. Hes getting the spare bedroom. At first I was terrified of getting close to him....intimately I mean.....because of my past.

And yeah...this is a strange thing to be talking about...but....its something I need to explain. I was really scared...that things werent going to go very well...but after talking about it and actually thinking about it...im not so scared anymore. Now...for me...thats HUGE. To be so comfortable with someone that fear of my past doesnt effect my choice in our relationship.....im sure it will at some point..but as of now...im considering and am okay with it.

Now....you see...the reason im writing this tonight...is because I was talking to my Mom about him coming next week. We were joking around and talking (she was drinking) and....what happend was...somehow we got on the subject of sex. Her saying that I was fertal and needed to make sure I was careful since SHE got pregnant the first time she had sex.....telling me she was gonna get me birthcontrol and that I needed to watch myself. I told her I got that but Its not like we were gonna be doing it anytime soon anyway...and she snorted....saying "Yeah, whatever, im not stupid" and.....I told her I was serious...and she made it sound like I would be having sex with him the night he got here.....if not then, then within the week.

I told her I was serious....that Im smarter then that....and I wouldnt just go and do something like that.....I felt like she was calling me a slut.....I told her I wasnt like that and for another thing I wouldnt do that in my parents house. I have more respect then that...and she STILL said yeah whatever....I was so insulted.....like...honestly. Im a good girl.....aside from my past I have never had anything like that......its just...I dont get it.... I was finally to the point that I wasnt thinking of myself as a whore and slut......I was finally feeling good about myself. And....now Im feeling hesitant again...its like...everytime my Mom says things like this...I question everything......I honestly am afraid of this.... when is "Too soon" to have an intamate relationship with the man I love? Whats late enough so I wont be considered a slut?

I mean....really.....I just dont know what to think anymore.....I was worried about this in the begining because of my past...but...I was past it...and now I dont know what to do...I feel like if I do ANYTHING having to do with sex im gonna be considered something im not.....

Why does this stuff ALWAYS come up in my life? Cant I just be NORMAL?

Man....this really sucks.... :(

Im sorry if this was weird...I just dont know what to do......and since my past is causing this....figured its happend to other people like me...

Thanks for reading...any advice would be much appreciated :(

Take care

Anyone who has read my messages over the last few years....knows..that I have really bad trust in people.....but you also know...that as of the last year or so, I have made extreme progress and am doing much better.

Now....I have never ben able to be happy....ever. Its always been taken away from me in one way or another. The abuse, the nightmares, school, my Mom and so on......its just...always been that way. I was convinced I was never gonna find happiness.

Then a man came into my life...and hes been one of my biggest supporters...helping me...and gettin me through everything. Hes made me so much better..and happier. I thought things were finally looking up......since...my Mom invited him to move in like 4 months ago..... I said from the very begining, that my Mom wouldnt stick to her word. That it would change and she would do it at the last minute. It was always there...but as time went on...I honestly thought things were gonna be alright.....

But....I knew it was to good to be true. She was drunk a few days ago...and we were fighting.....she told me to tell him not to come. I was devistated. He means the world to me...and.....she said something that I had already convinced myself was gonna happen and ignored it.....I felt so stupid....

I didnt tell him until the next day...at night...I wasnt home....so..I wanted to make sure we could talk about it......and when I did...he blamed me for it. Since I should have kept my mouth shut....I was so hurt.....my friends were worried....but....I put on a mask to calm them down....he apologized...and I know he didnt mean it.

Hell....she didnt even mean it....but it still hurts that she said it. I dont even want to risk giving her that much control over me by letting him into my house anymore.......she will only hurt me using him....Im terrified. Its like my past all over again.....being hurt and having no control.....

My trust is shaking hard.....I am not even on speaking terms with her right now...and him and I have been fighting since it happend.....things went okay tonight...but we'll see what tomorrow brings...

Im so scared...I dont know what to do...

I feel like I was just getting somewhere...and now my trust has been completly shot.......im not back at the begining...but im several steps back....

Any advice?

I dont know anymore.....I just dont know.

Im going to try and explain a situation as best I can....without giving some things away.

I have a few friends of mine...that I have known all my life. People I am very close too and love very much.

Well....when I was younger I found out, that the older of the two had hurt my friend very badly....she had been abused by him sexually. And she told. This caused a lot of problems. And since I was the younger of the three...I wasnt suppose to know what was going on. But given my inteligence, eventually I figured out what happend.

After some threats from her Mother, she dropped the charges. She dropped the charges and said she lied so she could remain around me. And since I wasnt fully aware at that point, what had all happend...I was friends with them both still.

It was never spoken of again. Ever.

They acted as though it had never happend...on the outside at least...but I think we all know, the inner fire that burns us alive

It was almost as though everyone around us....just....forgot. Ignored it. Literally sweeping it under the rug and saying its clean. Because of my relationship (not any sort of dating kind) with him....I tried to deny it in my own mind as well. I laughed with him and love him. Hes important to me.

Yet.....he did that to her.....he hurt her badly......

And when he was drinking he was sometimes even inappropriate with me...but only when he was too drunk to really control himself or realize what he was doing.. Allowing his hand to slid to far down on my back.....small light touches as he moves....just...being to close for anyone to be comfortable. More so with my kind of relationship with him. Sometimes comments were said that were just.....horrible.....things that were sexual references that were just SO inappropriate to be said to me.....im very careful around him when he gets that way....its not often...but still. Im careful. Watching him to make sure he doesnt do something.

Yet.....I still act as if everything is okay.....

I treat him the same as I always have....still hug him and care about him.....but....how can I? Shouldnt I....feel like hes something evil? To be staying away from and stuff?

Why do I act like its okay what he did to her?

Why does he have to be so important in my life? I love him....hes been in my life since before I was born....hes important and I cant possibly hate him...ever....

But....I am feeling so confused.....

I have never...and will never confront him about this....she made me promise to never do it.....because shes past it. Shes already healed. Doesnt want it broght back into the light

I just....dont know whats wrong with me......

I feel like...im letting him get away with it.....that....im just....saying it was okay...

I can barley even hold ill feelings toward him! Yes he did wrong..but...I cant fucking bring myself to be hate him.....yes....Im upset with the things he did...but hes still so close to my heart after such an act....its not right...

Please....somebody....give me an explaination.....

Tell me how wrong I am to feel the way I do......

I feel like I betrayed her...by still being close to him......I just...dont know what to do...

Its bothering me so much.....

Im so completly ashamed of myself....for feelings I cant even help......

Anybody with anything to say would be very much appreciated.....I could use all the help I can get right about now.

Thanks for reading and caring.

Take care

This message....is about self harm.

I have been someone that has done things to harm myself for many reasons...

Because the pain was just to much....

Because I couldnt take the thoughts....

Because I just wanted out

But I never did it to die....ever. I did it for pain...for the release it gave me. I wanted to go numb.....to breathe easy and dream sweet dreams, instead of waking up crying every night.

I have hundreds...literally hundreds of scars.....some are almost completly fadded....some are ones that wont fade all the way...and some that are even just now begining to scar because of the most recent slip I had with it.

But something I've learned over the past few years...and something I have always known....is that its not the answer.

It doesnt take the pain away...it doesnt make the past change...it covers it up so I can breath...but then it makes me have to remember that in just a little while...I have to go back to reality because its the life I live. And now I just have more scars on my body. Things to show me the pain....to show my time of weakness.

Its been hard to admit...and its still something I long to do at times.....but I've learned that....its just not worth it.

Why do it, if its only going to hurt me and everyone close to me?

To know that I've disappointed people that have faith in me....and myself...for doing something I KNOW isnt something I should be doing.

It makes me ashamed when I slip....but.....its in the past. I have to just look forward and try to remember that its not the answer.

And I want anyone thats reading this and has been involved in self harm to know it too. Its not good for you....and its not the answer. It feels good now...because it takes away the pain...but in the end it only hurts you more....trust me. I know...I've been there.

Reading some of my friends entrys on here and hearing some friends from school talking about doing it, just breaks my heart.....

I wish there was a way to make it hurt less.....a way to do what the cutting does...but there isnt....we just have to believe that one day...it will be better

And it will be one day. We just have to stop hurting ourselves and the people around us....and see ourselves as the beautiful and kind hearted people we are.

I know its not easy....but please....

If you have ever done it....and are still doing it....

Stop.

Stop from this day forward and only see yourself as perfect.

We may have a bad past...and may thing badly of ourselves..but no more.

You can have a good future.....but you have to stop hurting yourself.

I am....im trying anyway....

Good luck my friends....

Take care of yourself

It will be okay one day

Was everything really my fault?

Should I have tried harder?

Should I not have let to him get through my defenses?

Was I wrong to feel so....completly worthless and useless?

Was I right to try my best?

Was I wrong for the reasons it happend?

I couldnt help it....I knew better...but....it couldnt have all been my fault.....I thought I was finally past this :'(

Could I really be to blame?

For being so fucked up?

For not know how to say no?

For NEEDING someone to NOT hate me for ONCE?!

For doing the only think I knew to do? :'(

I didnt know...what else to do.....I thought I could make it better.... :'( I thought it would be okay.....I didnt know it would do this to me :'(

Im sorry....im soo sorry :'(

Nothing can compair to the pain and guilt I feel...

No one can say that it wasnt my fault...and no one can believe it....

I knew better...

:'(

Why does it always have to be my fault?

Just recently I found a park not far from my house...and I've been meaning to go there for the past week..today, I finally went.

The park is small....and there was only a few kids there....so I sat down on a bench, and just looked around. I found my mind wandering off....going to a very dark place.

The longer I was there...the more people came....and I just watched the parents and the little ones...the only thing in my heart was longing.

They had what I never did....and I couldnt stop myself from saying 'Please let them have this. Dont make them like me, they are too young'

I saw how carefree they were....saw them running and laughing...being kids. And I felt my heart start to hurt.....

In the hours I was there...there was a little girl. Beautiful, sweet child with blond hair and bright blue eyes. She saw me on the bench by myself and ran over. She was only three. She sat down beside me...and started talking....asking me my name....what my favorite color was...and she offered to share her snack with me. I declined and told her she should enjoy her treats....and while she did...I felt my eyes fill with tears...thinking about how innocent she was. How beautiful...and so friendly. And I remembered being the exact same little girl :'(

Being so perfectly carefree.....so sweet....and I barley stopped myself from crying as she asked me to come play with her. To push her on the swings. Not able to help it, I picked her up and put her in the swing and pushed her wwhile she laughed....

I cant bare the thoughts that went through me then.....imagining that poor little girl...hurt...like me.

I wish I could protect her :'(

I wish I could make sure she got to have her childhood like I never got to have.....

But I cant.

Soon after....the people she was with left the park...and I was left alone in the park. Not able to help it I went and sat down on the swing...my mind going over everything...

I started swinging..and I laughed....so hard...before breaking into tears.....

Why did it have to be taken so young? Why do they have to strip the smallest most amazing creatures of everything.... :'(

A simple little park....caused so much.....I couldnt get a song out of my head after that little girl left. There is one part that I think everyone should see...cause its exactly what I wanted to say...and god how I wish I could have it back.

*Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

No one's ever burned you
Nothing's ever left you scarred
And even though you want to
Just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone*

And its right.....it will be gone....for people like me.....it came way to soon. I wish I could just...for once..be a kid. But that times long gone....

Im sorry im so upset on whats suppose to a holiday...but...it really got to me...

Take care

Thanks for reading

 

The life of an Insomniac....

Is....

Horrible...

Lonely....

Heartbreaking.....

Never feeling rested....

Dealing with...

The nightmares...

The aching pains....

Feelings of frustration

And tears that continue to run throughout the night....

Try as I might...my mind never sleeps...

I toss and I turn...

With thoughts of pain and misery

I wish I could stop it....

I wouldnt sleep if I could help it....

I wish it was that easy....

:(

I wish it was time.....

So maybe...I could have ONE restful...and peaceful sleep....

Someone send me the sandman....

Im begging....

_____________________________________________________________

I wish I could sleep.....so much.....and now....im having an even harder time sleeping...the nights are so long....

You see...I've been doing very well....sleeping about 4 hours every night....but....Im having trouble with even that lately....I cant fall asleep...cant stay asleep....

I dont know what else to do....my boyfriend...my parents...they all tell me...that I cry in my sleep....that I panic.....a few times...I've been woken up...but...it doesnt make a difference...it happens everytime....

So...you see...even when I do sleep.....its never restful..no matter how long I sleep....

So what do I do?

I dont WANT to sleep....at least not every night...but...my boyfriend doesnt want me doing that to myself anymore...ugh :(

Im sorry im whining....I just....hate this.

I hope all of my friends are doing well and taking care of themselves...and on the way to healing

Make sure to take care

Feel free to message me anytime about anything

Hey everyone

I thought I would share a song that is very close to my heart. It has always given me hope. In fact it was one of the things that got me to speak out about what happend...it helped me tell my sister.

We did it. And we can do it. We will make it through it together my friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9AJSO0qJXc

The next song...has nothing to do with God for me....it just made me realize that there are people out there that do care about me....that love me......it gave me hope...it still makes me cry at times.....it makes me believe that even through the pain.....I can take it.....and not to give up....

I hope it brings some of you the same kind of hope

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGLSk3AVcUU

God....im so confused....

My emotions have been so all over the place its not even funny....I literally have been crying every single day for the last week and a half....and not some small tears...but pretty much breakdown level.....im stressing out really badly...I dont know what to do

I mean...everyone would think I would be so happy....and I am....you see...I found out that my Mother is allowing my boyfriend to move in with me. In a guest room of course....but still....I just have to wait until July when he can come....but the wait is ripping me apart....as well as anxiety over it....

Its so stupid for me to be so upset over everything thats been going on, but I am all the same

My boyfriend knows of my past...and...knows im not really comfortable with physical contact...at least not fully. Its frustrating us both....I trust him with every peice of me...and I love him....but....I dont know how to deal with things like that....

Or anything of this nature...I mean....he has made a LOT of progress with me over the last year....but I told him its pretty much gonna start over when he is living with me.....its got him and me upset....

I feel like im too fucked up for him....like....broken goods....he hates me saying things like this..but its true.....I hate that im putting him under so much stress

I just...dont know how to put everything in my past behind me yet......I dont know if I ever will.....and I cant stop over thinking things. It makes my fears so much worse...and I get so upset...and thats why I end up crying

What do I do?

Am I just being a cry baby?

___________________________________________________________________________________
 

Hey Guys......I wrote this...months ago.......almost a year ago.....

These kind of thoughts go through my head when ever something goes wrong...that I had a part in. Cause I honestly feel like I should have known.

Im a smart girl. I know how to figure things out.

Yet I allow myself to do things I know are wrong.

Then my thoughts on the matter just....go haywire.

And this comes out.

I feel like I should have known the answer.....known what to do...and..maybe...just MAYBE....if I had....I wouldnt be as fucked up as I am

I try to tell myself that it wasnt my fault...but...then I'll mess up on something else...and...these thoughts come to mind..and then my past comes to mind and...UGH.....its just...horrible.

I dont know how to stop thinking this way.......

On another note. Im okay I guess....had a new nightmare the other night...but...I managed to get through last night without another one. I talked to my therapist yesterday and that was a relief..I didnt realize I actually look forward to getting to talk to her. Even when its a hard subject.

Oh...and I may be taking a trip to see my two best friends and my boyfriend soon. I really hope I can....it will make me very happy. But...im trying not to get to excited...if I cant....its gonna hurt. So...I guess we'll see. I'll make sure to explain about that if it ends up happening

Hope everyones doing well.

Take care

You know...up until recently...I never thought I was beautiful.......

I never thought I was worth anything....

And it wasnt only because of what happend with my Brother...but because of my Mom....and the children at school.

And...pretty much my whole life...I just.... was never good enough

I truely believe thats begining to change.

I have the most amazing people in my life pulling me out of the darkness.

I finally feel beautiful....

I feel like im worth something...

Like im good enough for him....

For my bestfriend

My Mom.

It seems so crazy....but...ever since this Angel has come into my life....everythings gottan brighter....

My Mom told me just a few days ago..that she has never seen me so happy...that im actually livable now. She said with the way I was...we were always at each others throat and screaming.....now it doesnt happen....

She doesnt say hardly any of the bad things she use too.....sometimes...but....im almost to the point where the words of someone else are speaking louder

I think im finally healing.

Healing all of my life...

Starting new.

Starting right......

Im going to be happy...

And its honestly the best feeling I've ever experienced.

Im going to be okay.

I can be sure that im going to have my set backs...and more then likely everyone here will read about them.

But....I think all in all....im on my way

Im changing my status today

I hope everyone can get there too.

Good luck.

Thanks for reading..

Take care

Hey guys...

I know that many of us have a feeling like there is no hope...and many days we feel sadness as thoughts come to mind and make us hurt.

I've come to appreciate the little shreads of hope I get. And I have a site that brings me happiness.

http://www.givesmehope.com/

I read off this site as much as I can. No matter how much time you have, you can spare one minute to read one of the short passages. They really are something to make you smile.

Its saved me many nights, from doing something stupid.

I hope it can do the same for someone else.

Hopefully...you can find that there is light in the dark. Through this.

Take care.

P.S- Whenever your down...read off it. You'll see what I mean

Im not really sure how to explain what im feeling right now....but...let me give you a bit of back ground.

Im claustrophobic. I have been for years....for some reason after the abuse stopped I couldnt stand people touching me...couldnt stand being trabbed or boxed in. It would make me panic...and now...sometimes just getting an overload sends me into a feeling of..being trapped. Like right now...I feel...like my house is to small...like I cant breathe...like im trapped and I dont know what to do...the only thing I want right now is to have my love hold me...to chase this now creeping fear away...to make it go away...but since he cant...I dont know what to do. I just wish I could have him here...hes the only one I know who can make me feel better....

Feeling trapped...

Not only inside my head...

But inside these solid, cold and lonely walls....

My prison.....

No way out....

I feel it building....

Feel my chest contricting..

My head clouding....

My heart rate climbing.....

Confused and filled with panic...

I try to run away...

Searching through a sea of panic

To find my safe haven.....

And feel the security of his embrace

To breathe in the fresh clean air by the lung full....

And let go of the stress....

To cry against him....

To feel his strong arms holding onto me...

So tightly....

Without fear....

Without feeling trapped.....

Oh how I long for it....

When will I ever be free?

____________________________________________________________

:( I dont know how to get rid of this feeling.....since I cant have the thing I want the most.....

I suppose I'll update soon.....

Take care friends...

Its amazing how time goes full circle...

Thirteen years of schooling....gone

Seven years of friendship....All in the past

A year long relationship...doesnt seem so long

Time has become meaningless....

Its to long...and to short

Time moves slow when things are the hardest

Just to make it hurt more.

Yet moves fast when things are going well

Just so the happiness you feel....ends quickly

It makes no sense.....

Yet we never question it

No one will say what we are all thinking

Time isnt fair.....

It takes everything from you.

Your friends...

Your family...

Your life....

And everything else if you let it

The only option we have...

Is to hold on...and let go

___________________________________________________________________________________

I wrote this is May of last year...when I was just about at the end of High school.....it was just recently read back to me by someone very special to me

I figured I would let you all hear it, since I know many of you can relate to something like this.

Take care. I'll update soon

Happy New year everyone!

Seems another year is gone and past.....

And we are still getting better...

Still getting stronger...

Still fighting this fight inside ourselves.

Making ourselves better....healing

We share things and use support 

To move us forward

Most of us have been doing it for years

Well this is not a time to stop.

This year will be a good one

For the survivors like us

For the people who suffer.

This year is our year

Make the most of it.

Smile...keep your head up....help others if you can...

But most importantly.....

Take care of you.

Because you DO deserve it...

I deserve it...

We ALL deserve it.

Nothing that happend to us can take away from the fact that we deserve love

And happiness

And to be taken care of.

Always tell yourself this truth...

When things get hard

And you feel like nothing will get better

Remember that just like today...

The year will start again

And a new start can happen.

We just have to keep going

Good luck survivors. I know we can do it

Merry Christmas, my fellow survivors. And friends that have come to support us.

Our years are never easy, and at this timme of year we get sad.....I do. Always have.

Im not going to let myself this year. Im on my way to recovory and I have many people trying to hold me through the pain. I have amazing friends, and a family that loves me, even though we fight. And I have the man I love. Maybe not in my arms the way I wish it...but hes here. And hes making this Christmas the best I've ever had.

I want this Christmas to be nothing but happiness and joy, for those who are still feeling the effects of pain and sorrow.

Know that one day...it will get better. That the alone feeling will only stay for a bit longer.

Have an amazing Holiday to everyone here at PWP. You are all amazing and im glad to know the people I do.

Everyone take care

Spend the holidays with those closest to you...

Love to all,

Jen

P.S.- Dont forget to start thinking up those New years Resolutions. Its time for a new begining. Why not start it off right? I have not failed at my Resolution for the last two years since I came onto this site. It was to get better, and push myself toward healing. To take that next step. No matter what that was.

I have succeded. I know you can too if you try.

Merry Christmas :)

Hi guys...

Why do I always get say when the holidays role around? Is it because im always alone even in a crowded room? I feel like it....I feel like...everyone around me...is happy and loved. Whether with the one they love..or...just with friends and family....

I have that....I have friends and family...hell...I even have the man I love.....but hes not here right now. And he wont be around for Christmas...and...I feel so alone still. I feel like im stuck to suffer and scream, while everyone laughs and parties. I just dont get it.

Is there something wrong with me?

Why do I crave to be held so tightly that I cant help but cry?

Why do I wish it SO much more during the holidays?

Guess cause....I've never let myself have the feeling...with my past...I couldnt stand to have people touching me...but I want it so badly....just a hug....or someone sitting close beside me...just that contact. Its something I've never had. All because of my past.

It still haunts me.

Ya know...my Mom told me...that I always bring this stuff up more around the holidays. And shes right. I do because it hurts so much more when theres suppose to be love and family..and all I feel is hurt and alone.

Im so beyond messed up.....

I wish I could....just this once. Be happy on Christmas. And start off a new year the right way

Guess I have to wait for next year......

Happy Holidays everyone.

Wish you well.

Hope its everything you've ever wanted and then some.

Start off the new year right.

With a smile.

Hey everyone....

I suppose if you know me, even through my messages, then you know I havent been so good for the last few months. A lot of it due to my best friend.

Now this perticular best friend is the one who helped me when I was a 13....shes the one who gave me the strength to stop my brother in what was happening. She gave me my life back in so many ways....and I felt like I needed her....I owe that girl my life.

But things have happend...things have changed

I fell in love with someone that she thought was only going to hurt me...she said she was trying to protect me

And....I only wanted her to be happy....I thought...if I made the effort to show her that I was a real friend by trusting her....then she would care how much it killed me when I stopped talking to him

But she only cared about herself....I only thought about her happiness....and she did too. She didnt care that I was hurt...when it killed me when I hurt her...yet she was completly unaffected.

Then....when...I try to protect her from someone that was hurting her? She said it was different. That I didnt understand.

I never made her choose like she had me do....but I told her that she wasnt being a good friend, because she was only caring about herself...and..bring up past things that didnt need to be said...

Then she actually threw in my face..that the only reason she was even friends with me was because her girlfriend made her. Since she said that me hurting her with being in love with that guy...broke her and I's friendship. And that she wouldnt have been my friend anymore after that had her girlfriend not made her.

Do you know what its like to feel so worthless? To feel like even the ONE person that you ALWAYS had....said that she was made to keep me as a friend....

It hurt me so badly that the only person I could turn to was the man I love and my guy best friend, and even after I hurt them both so badly...they wanted nothing in this world but to help me through the pain. No matter what it did to them they wanted to make me better.

And once again...because I was so afraid of hurting her...I kept refusing...to afraid to get attached to someone I knew I couldnt stay away from.....

Everyone kept telling me to make myself happy instead of everyone else....that I deserved that much...

So....after she told me that she was sick of my crap.....

I decided to make myself happy. I got back into contact with the man I love and my guy best friend....and I cant tell you how truely relieved I am...I missed them so much....it litereally ripped me apart and made, coping with anything almost impossible....now though....hes back to putting me back together again....I havent been this happy in a while...

But...the pain is still there....the pain of what she said...and the pain of her probably never wanting to be friends with me again because I am in contact with them.

Ya know...after that big blow out on sunday...she didnt text me again..I was sure I wouldnt hear from her again....but...last night....I got a text...

Oh no...dont be fooled....it wasnt an apology..it wasnt her seeing how I was....

It was her asking me one thing, and one thing only.

"Are you back in contact with him?"

It hurt...so bad.....I didnt even respond to her...I dont see a point..because it doesnt matter if im in contact with him..its my life, and Im my own person. Im going to do what I want to do to make myself happy this time..and like I said...I think it will be the reason we are no longer friends.

My parents say that when that girl hurts her....she will realize that I was the one that was always there for her...and she just.....did that. And that she will come back in a few years.....I know things will never be the same between us...but...I hope we can still be friends.....best friends.....

Guess only time will tell.....

For the person who stole everything:

You know who you are....and you know what you took from me

You took my heart from my chest and acted like it didnt matter....little did you know you took my soul that day too.

The day you forced me to do what I did.

You stole my happiness, and all of my joy.....

All of my dreams....

Everything that SHOULD be mine!

I cry alone in my room because of the memories.....because of the pain I feel.....

Because I wish I could have it back.....

But you dont care.

You never will either....because it was what you wanted

You will never see how deep you cut me....

You will never understand the world you took from me....

The amazing possibilities that could have been mine if you had not taken it from me!!

What gives you the right to do this to me?

Why couldnt I be happy?!

Why did you have to take away my life ? :'(

Why?!

Why? Why? WHY?!

I dont understand this pain...

I dont understand why no matter what I do it comes back to bite me!

Im regretting the choice I made....

Im not sure I can trust the only one I thought I could.....

Im so confused....

I thought everything would be okay....

Thought it would work out....

I tried to make my mistakes right....but now its like it doesnt matter

How would you feel if the one person you had left, tells you without someone she will die....

Like I dont even matter.....

Like the pain of her leaving wouldnt kill me with her.....

I dont know what to say or do anymore....

I wish someone would please help me....

I feel so alone....

____________________________

In spite of my mood today, I wrote something.....it just comes out...so....if it doesnt make any sense im sorry..

____________________________

Alone...

Alone with the dark...

Alone with the screams....

Alone inside myself....

Always...always alone....

Only feeling the warmth of another when time chooses to grant me happiness....

Before snatching it away....and once again leaving me alone...

No one cares...

No one understands....

No ones here to pick up the peices this time.....

Im alone, and empty

A shell of a person....

Peice by broken peice.....

Slowly taken away....

Until im left with nothing....

No one....

Once again...

Alone.

The pain...the pain.....

Why cant I make it go away?

Why does it have to course through me like fire?

Will I ever have peace?

Will I ever stop burning?

Or am I doomed to burn in this life, and the next?

I try to make good choices....

Try to be the very best person I can be.....

Yet its always wrong...and I always hurt......

The pain never slows.....never goes away......

I dont think I can handle such pain for the rest of my life....

It would be so easy....just to lose myself in death......

I would never do it though.......I couldnt

For sake of hurting another with my absense......

I hope I can stand it...

Because it hurts....

Im not really sure how to explain this so im just going to spit it out.

My Thanksgiving was strange....to say the least. My entire family was here...including my brother. We didnt eat dinner until late at night because he and my sister needed to get here from work. Well...at one point I was standing in the kitchen...and I look over and see him on the verge of tears. My other sister trying to figure out what was the matter. He said he didnt want to talk about it. But I dont think he realized that he was looking at me when he said it.

You see....even when im not looking directly at him I always keep an eye on him...making sure I know where he is. Not because im afraid of him...but just because of my own instincts. When he looked at me I knew what was the matter. So when he went outside and started to walk down the street....I followed him. I knew he wouldnt talk to anyone but me.

When I asked him...he said I already knew what was the matter. And he was right. I did. But I wanted him to tell me. He said that he could get into a lot of trouble for all of this. When I told him he couldnt...he relaxed a little. Then he told me he still blamed himself, when I told him I blamed more me then I do him. I told him there are days when I want to hate him...and there are times that I just dont want him near me. But hes still my brother. I do love him...and in many ways...he wasnt doing it to hurt me. We were only kids. But that doesnt take away the pain I have. And he knows it. Thats why I explained that I was getting help for my own self...for my own sanity. Because it comes down to the fact that I havent really been sane. I drive myself out of my mind with fears that were taken to the next level by my mind. Everyone always says im in control of my own mind. Well....they are wrong. Because I cant help how my mind twists things into worse situations.

Either way....after that little talk....we went back up the driveway, only to be trapped by our Mother. She wanted to know what was wrong with her boy. He didnt want to explain..and I didnt feel he or I had too. So I told her it was a talk between us..it was settled and everyone was fine. To drop it. I said the same thing to my sister when she tried to do it. She was actually upset that he talked to me and not her. So stupid....

That was my Thanksgiving. It wasnt bad. It was just strange. I normally try to avoid being near him. So it was weird talking to him alone. I explained this to the lady im seeing and she said that it may have been a good thing. Cause we needed to talk at some point.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Take care

I really dont understand my Mother...like at all.

She can be the meanest person on the planet more then half the time....yet when im sick....as sick as I am right now shes always right there

I cant even talk anymore, my throat is so bad...I cant breath like at all...and its getting to the point where my coughs are coming out silent, apart from wheezing

Throughtout everything with my mental health though..shes not really been to much into it.....almost doesnt believe it....

But when im physically sick...and she can tell for a fact.....she acts like a mom should.

Does anyone else find this completly confusing?

Cause I dont really know what to think about it anymore...

Alright...today was such a weird day! On top of the fact that my appointment was cancled, I had some guy trying to get with me!

Now..I have never..aside from the few boyfriends I've had, had a guy flirting with me so hard....I mean seriously! He wouldnt leave me alone...he was getting very touchy with me, trying to mess with me..but I was just uncomfortable. At one point he grabbed me around the waist and tried to kiss me! I dont even know this guy and I keep pushing him away yet he keeps trying. Why?! I dont understand it....did he think I was playing hard to get or something? I mean...I wasnt really afraid until he grabbed me and tried to kiss me...I froze up so fast, and moved away from him and asked him not to touch me. I mean..he was nice..but geez guy....I dont even know you...nor are you respecting my personal space. I mean...I was flattered that he wanted to go out with me, but..no thank you....I dont know how to get close to someone like that...nor do I want to right now. I dont know....

I may just being dramatic for feeling uncomfortable with a guy that obviously liked me....he wasnt hurting me...but...I was still very uncomfortable.

I really wished I could have had my session today....since it happend literally right before I was suppose to go in....I could have explained everything...maybe talked about why I was so uncomfortable..as well as everything else. I could have really used it after the week I've had

Hate, pain, complete and utter loss

No thought on what to do

No reason to stay

Pain, like fire, burning hotter all the time

Missing, wanting, so very alone

No way to change it

No way to help

Hurt, fear, and guilt

All the things I wish to change

Nothing can be fixed

My own fault....

Lost forever

 :'(

I know I've been updating alot lately....but thats cause getting help is stirring up alot of things inside me. And my family....and a few friends for that matter.

When I talk to the lady..she just listens..she will add in her own say every now and then..but for the most part, I really feel like she sees it from my point of veiw. The way my parents cant seem too...its funny. Im heading into my third session and we are still covering the bulk of my problems lol....theres that much. I dont know if its really helping me...but....I hope it will eventaully.

On another note.....I cant find it me to hope anymore. I wont let myself...it seems like the more I hope...the more it hurts. That past few times I got my hopes up..they were shot down so fast I couldnt even stand the pain....and last night my Mother dangled the one thing I want in my face..the thing im working for. And....I almost started to feel hope....before I literally pushed it away and shot it down myself before I could get excited..because I know it will only end in disappointment. I dont know what to do anymore.....

I just want to be happy....I want to get better....stop hurting....

Im so afraid to hope....so afraid to feel that pain all over again.....

What do I do?

This poem is literally about the worst nightmare I've ever had....it still gets to me sometimes when I sleep. This is the reason I developed insomnia....apart from my mind never shutting up enough to let me sleep....anyway...I seriously hope it doesnt trigger anything in people. Read with caution...

Eyes black as night....

Body strong and punishing....

Voice thick and deep...

Booming...Taunting....

Terrified...I scream

.............

No one comes.....

Im left to face the monster alone....

He takes everything with a sick and twisted smile....

I have no way out....no choice...

I beg for mercy......

It only spurrs him on....

I want it to end....

Someone please make it stop....

..........It never does...not until the deed is done

And im shattered once again...

Then I wake up and try to peice myself together again

________________________________________________________________

Im so sorry if this hurt anyone more by reading it.....I just needed to get this nightmare out of my head...

Take care

Hey guys,

Umm...okay...im not really sure where to begin.....

Well recently things with my parents have gone way down hill, as im sure you realize if you've read my other messages. Recently the thing with me getting help was the problem. Well today was my first appointment with the psychologist......it was...really scary..im not gonna lie

My sister took me...and she was really supportive...helping me fill out my paper work and what not. Then when she actually called me back....we kinda just started with the basics...asking questions to fill out my file and stuff. We got into my major problems, just an over view. She said that I definatly have PTSD (Which I told my parents years ago) and she suggested that I see my doctor so I can get put on antidepressants. She said we have a LOT of work to do, so I now have a weekly session. I dont really know if this is going to help...but I seriously hope so....its getting harder...hopefully she can stop my next breakdown before I get to that point.....

Take care..

I'll update soon

Pain consumes us

And we're left all alone

This time for good

Its a pain we must live with that will never dull

Its something we try to work through

And make it seem less

We even try to make ourselves forget

But we cant.

This horrible, horrible pain.....

Makes it impossible to forget

..................................................

Pain consumes.....

How do we do it alone?

_________________________________________________________________

Hey guys....

Sorry my moods so dark lately...but things are really really bad......im having an extremly hard time...and I dont know how to handle it. I normally have help...and with the recent events in my life....I no longer do. I lost some very important people in my life...and its killing me. Because of that...I told my parents I want to see a doctor. Lets just say...it didnt go well. If you read my last message you understand what I mean. Lucky for me...my Dad is trying as hard as he can to help me...and hes scared for me. Lately hes been watching me very carefully...and listening by my door just to make sure im still alive. Its that bad. Im not eating...not sleeping...just crying. And hurting I have an appointment to see a phycologist next week though. I hope this works

Hopefully this pain wont last forever....

Take care

No matter what I do...

Its always wrong.

I ask for help...and I get slapped in the face.

Over and over again I get hurt....

And no one can stop it.

Im completly at a loss on what to do here....

Because it seems like its meant to be this way.

All my years of hiding are becoming amo against me...

Because 'supposedly' I've been great for months

No.

Thats what you SAW! Thats NOT how it is!

You treat me like im working to ruin you Mom!!

Like I WANT to make your life hell!

I WANT HELP!

NOTHING MORE!

But obviously thats not enough.

Im going to lock myself away....

And maybe when im someone you dont know....

You will see what I needed....

And how you kept me from ever trusting anyone

How you kept me from getting better.

I hope your happy.

Hope everyone here at my PWP family is doing alright. I hope I havent made you think I dont care....because I do...things are just insanly hard right now and its making me go crazy. Time doesnt even seem to be anymore. Hopefully we can catch up soon....this next part...are thoughts I just...cant understand.....

Can someone please explain to me why things always get bad before better?

Why cant I be happy for more then half a second before something goes wrong?!

What is wrong with this picture here.....

I just dont understand.....

Why arent I allowed to be happy?

Dont I deserve that much?

I hate that...nothing I will ever be able to do will change the thing I wish to change the most.....

Im cracking.....but this time....I have someone holding me together....

And they are willing to build me back up.

Lucky for me I cant have anything more then that.

Guess its time to face reality and see that no matter what I do, I will never be happy

P.S- Does anyone else get the feeling that time is standing still? That time literally means nothing...and hours can pass and feel like seconds?

I think im in some sort of shock...because time isnt making sense anymore....I dont know what to do

Hello again my friends

Seems that like I said in my last message....thing typically do not get good..they get worse...and whats been going on lately is just proof of that. So my boyfriend decided he was going to tell my best friend that we are dating. I wasnt ready to tell her, because I knew she wouldnt approve, turns out, I was 100% correct. She HATES the idea of it, and has been trying to reason with me about how much of a bad idea this is, and that I need to end it now before I get hurt. Thing is....I love him....I really and truly do....but if I stay with him....I kill her....and shes the reason im alive today, shes the one who gave me the courage to stop my....'problems' with my brother. I literally owe that girl my entire life....and I dont want to hurt her...

But I love him......

So.....I hurt him....and keep my best and truest friend.....and hurt my heart in the process

Or stay with him....and hurt her........and still hurt my heart in the process

As you can see, im at a loss either way. I hurt either way, and I am going to hurt one of them with me....there is no avoiding it. I honestly dont know what to do...and all I want to do right now is get rid of the pain....the only way I know how too.

Somebody please help me before I do something I shouldnt and send myself into a breakdown

Hey guys...I know some of the people on here are probably waiting to read how I am.....well here it is.

I honestly dont know what I am right now. I know things arent as bad as they use to be, but they sure as hell arent good. I mean...im turning 18 on Saturday....and according to my Mother I have to be out of her house that day. And I have no where to go. Sure I have a boyfriend who says he will take care of me, but I cant do that....Im not going to place that burden on him. Same thing with my best friend. I cant do that to them.... I dont think my mom means it when she says im going to be leaving...but the fact that she says it.....hurts.....Yes I do want to go...but if I cant go just yet....then I dont want to....and at the moment, no matter how much I want out...im not able too...On top of that.....her and I have been fighting constantly again. I didnt Graduate on time...and somehow that seems to have offended her....because its always about 'her' If things arent good enough for her...she throws a fit. Its bad. I feel so bad for my Dad...cause hes going to have to be stuck with her when im gone. Hes going to go crazy.

Other things that have been going on. I have a new boyfriend. He cares for me alot and is trying to help me as much as he can. He doesnt let me talk badly about myself, if I do he gets very upset. He makes sure im at least eating somewhat properly. Hes trying to anyway...I still dont eat much...but its getting better. For some reason lately my insomnia hasnt been as bad.....but I think that was only lasting the last week or two....because my nightmares are still getting to me. I hate sleeping...I really do....but my body is trying to catch up on years sleep loss. No matter how much he wants me to sleep....its not going to happen...and because of my insomnia...he is developing it...and its all my fault.....Im hurting him even when he denys it. He says hes okay and that hes getting use to it...but its my fault and I know it. It seems like all the things I have been trying to get over and put behind me...are snapping up in my face.....like now......im starting to feel like everything is my fault...again.....my insecurities are getting to me more then ever...and its also something that gets to him. He is trying to help me get over my fear by making me face it....and reassuring me....and for now...its going ok....but its not easy.

Nothing is easy anymore.....I really just wish....none of this shit happend.....cause all its doing is killing me slowly.......maybe I should have ended it when I was thinking about it a few years ago.....I cant say that though...because im not going back to that......I have only had one slip with my cutting...and it was last month.....im not going to go back to that....I hope I wont anyway.

I hope I dont seem like a girl that wants attention...because thats not it at all.......you all are my friends......and I guess I wanted you all to know.....I'll write again soon.

Until then, im going to be waiting to see what happens. Maybe things will get better......but typically....they only get worse.

Hi everyone.......I guess I spoke to soon......things were going really good.....and I guess some would say they are still going good......but...they are falling apart again.....im so close to graduation.....yet I may not get to graduate........its so scary I dont know what to do....my mom is on my case cause of it....I guess thats my own fault though. I stopped caring last year and it put me behind....and now im paying for it..........I knew It would catch up to me eventually...but....why now? why when im so close to being free?....Its like something doesnt want me to be happy :(.......cause every single time something good happens.....it lasts for a little while....and when I finally get my hopes up that its finally time to start over and be better......it all falls apart.......I have been fighting the urge to cut for days now......the only reason I havent is because I have two very good friends that wont let me.....if I do...then they hurt....and I couldnt deal with that.....I think im going to start writing more again...I seem to do it more when im stressed and hurting. My nightmares are begining to come back....that may be because I have been talking about them recently....but for whatever the reason they are causing some major flashbacks.

Hopefully this wont last long....I was finally doing better :(

I'll update soon

Hello my wonderful PWP Family.....Im so sorry I havent been posting.....but things have been so crazy over the last few months....but I've got good news to share.....With everything that has been going on...I feel so much better.....I had alot of help from my beloved boyfriend....he brought me back to life. He helped me understand so many things....what happend and everything else that was going on with me...he gave me courage and confidence....he gave me love....I think thats what saved me. Even after he knew what happend to me...all he wanted to do was make me better. He helped me understand my nightmares and im glad to say I dont have them nearly as bad as I use to...and even when I do have them, they dont bother me much. I know how to handle them. My panic attacks have also gone down. Now I only have them when I am overwhelmed. I have learned that I have to walk with my head up...im better then that...I should have no shame in what happend...it wasnt my fault....hes taught me that.....he broke me down then built me back up...he made sure the peices fit together to make me a new and better person...I love him more then anything for saving me. I still have my bad days. When things get to me...like they use to...it hurts the same...but...im learning to deal with it. Me and my parents are okay...I mean....we arent really all that close...but we are civil...for the most part....we still fight and my mom still drives me crazy. but I can handle it more now....My abuser...he isnt around much anymore....hes rarley home, and that makes it easier....but even when hes around...I dont feel such anger toward him.....Im civil with him.....we are getting along better.....and im feeling much better....My friends have also been my saving grace....I told a selected few and they helped me...and loved me...they treated me no differently then they use to....and reasured me that they would always love me...it helped me learn to trust again. Without all of their help...I dont know what I would have done, Everyone I know has told me that I look so much better....so much happier.....they tell me that they have never seen me so happy...because they saw how unhappy I was.....Now that I look back on the last 6 years...I can see what they mean....I had no idea I was as bad as I was....but....now....I cant believe it....I was like the walking dead....the most being last year...Now that I try and think back on it...I find that my memory is foggy and confusing...it was so bad that...I was shut down...and now that im...happier...its very noticable....and people tell me so. When things get bad...I start to...crumble.....most of the time when things go bad for me and my boyfriend...he literally is my rock...the glue that holds me together...without him....I fall apart....I hate how much I depend on him....but I cant make myself detach myself...thats the only thing that bothers me....Im not comfortable leaning on someone....but hopefully that wont be the reason I fall....Writing and music are still a very big part of my life...it keeps me grounded...I draw as well...they are my calming activities.....I miss all of my friends here on PWP....And now that I am on the path to recovery I so desperatly hope my friends will get there as well

Another update.....me and my boyfriend....well kinda sorta was boyfriend......arent together....so.........I guess....I am on my own.....hopefully I can handle it

Hey everyone, I just want to clear up any confusion....this poem sounds some-what like the poem maria_torres002 wrote(which is awsome you should go and read it) but thats not why I wrote this....I am feeling alot of pain right now because the realization that im no longer a virgin physically....It hurt so bad when I realized it and I went almost catatonic...I was in the hottest bath I could get, crying, with music to cover it up...I stayed there for almost 4 hours, I only came out so I could write down this poem....Going through that this morning made me want to tell '"him" what he did and how much it hurt in a way I just want him to hurt as much as me, so im blaming him....even if it doesnt help....This poem is very emotional for me....Enjoy

Becaue of you I never had a childhood...

Because of you im always afraid...

Because of you I cant trust....

And becaue of you I grew up ALONE....

Because of you im self conscious....

Because of you I never had the STRENGTH to fight....

Because of you im not good enough.....

Because of you my life means fear....

Because of you I cant look at myself in the mirior....

And because of you I an no longer a Virgin....

You have messed up my life

Making sure that im always cautious and scared

I wear a mask to protect you

And for what?

For hurting me?

For making me weak?

No I do it because im scared

I dont want people to see what i've done

I dont want them to be disgusted of me

But you know what?

I still see it in their faces!!!

And its ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!!!!

.................I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!! I will NEVER get it back...and I..I want it back =**(....I didnt do anything to deserve this so WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED?!?! He STOLE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!! I just dont understand.......I want to hate him..but I cant :(....im not that person but I WANT TO! I want to hate him for taking the only thing I could give!!..I just want it back...and I cant  =**(.......I cant handle this...I have NEVER in my life felt so dirty and used and there is NOTHING I can do about it

Silenceisdeadly posted a song that she thought fit PWP and it gave me the idea to post a song that I think also stands for the people of PWP.....Its a really good song and I would recomend it for anyone....Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlXlUgHUc60&feature=related

Special thanks to silenceisdeadly for giving me the idea

This Message is realy long but if you want to know my story hold in there

When I made an account on PWP about 7 months back I posted my very first 'Message' as its called on here. Well I look at it know and realize how much it lacks....I was afraid and didnt know what to say on somthing like this, I feel my story needs to be told properly. Im going to tell it from when it started untill right now as I write this. When I was younger I was the sweetest little girl that had th hardest thing with not knowing who to trust, well actually I trusted EVERYONE and because of the way I was my parents were scared that I was going to be taken at some point for being to nice. I was also the youngest out of my siblings so as you can imagine I was teased by them always, but the funny thing was I wasnt only made fun of by them I was always made fun of at school, I never undersood why because I was never mean. As I grew up the teasing never stopped and I started seeing my school counsler everyday crying, she didnt know what to do. At one point she pulled one of people who use to make fun of me aside and brought her to wear I sat sobbing, told her too look at what she had caused, that girl never bothered me again but others did. At home my mom was strict and mean, she always said things she didnt mean. My dad saw what al of this was having on me, I was very self concious and my self esteem didnt even register, her tried to make my self esteem better but as he told me that, the teasing at school, my mom, and from my siblings never ceased so pretty much everything he said was counterd with more stuff on me. As time went on we moved to a new house and I tried to make my parents feel better by putting on a brave face and always acting strong, but I was still the same girl in pain but nobody ever noticed or sombody did and never cared enough to do anything about it. Keep in mind that at this point im just about 12 not some teen that always complains about life....When I was around 11/12 it was just me,my mom, dad, and brother. One night while my parents were in there room my brother comes into my room and asks me to do things to him...I was a 11 year old girl with a very low self esteem and didnt like having people upset with her...I didnt really know what to do at the time, I didnt know if I was going to get in trouble for doing it or mabe even for not doing it, and I guess in some way I was curious....So I did it, at first it started with my hand then it went to my mouth.....As time went on he just kept asking me to do it so I did, but one night when he thought I was sleeping he came into my room took of my pants and tried to penitrate me.....I was scared and didnt know what to do, I didnt want him to be mad at me but I didnt want it to happen either so I just acted like I was moving alot in my sleep, eventually he got frustrated and left. The next day I acted as though I had no idea, things went back to 'normal' if thats what you want to call it. At one point I said I didnt want to do it at all any more, but he begged me and I felt so guilty I didnt know what to do he told me it would be the last time, so I gave in and believed him thinking I would di it one last time and it would be over. The next day the same thing happend, and eventually we were at 'normal' again. A few more times he came into my room thinking I was asleep, again he tried and again I moves as if in a nightmare but this time he held me still, and in a way I guess you could say he succeded he didnt really know what to do so it kept coming out, but im pretty sure it went in a few times them I freaked out, I acted like I "woke up" and had to use the bathroom. Still me giving him oral continued unill I met a very confident girl that gave me some courage and tought me to stand up for myself, even only a little....Once I met her I put my foot down and told him I was never doing it again...for days following it he asked and I refused but even then I felt bad..I was 13 at the time....The girl that helped me is he girl I am proud to call my best friend to this very day....I guess after it stopped I surpressed it cause it didnt start to bother me till damn near two years later...I started having horrible nightmares, and they made me terrified of everyone, I found that anyone I tried to get close to I became afraid of, I couldnt seem to stop thinking about the discusting thing I did...I started sleeping less and less just to avoid the nightmares, gained alot of weight, I couldnt even stand coming home...I use to miss my bus on purpose to avoid coming home....as time went on I found myself hurting more and more...I couldnt deal with it, by now I hardly slept at all and I barley even ate....My mom and dad noticed nothing....not when it went down or my downward spiral....Then once I started eating less my dad noticed but by then I was already doing everthing to get out of my head....I was reading, listening to music constantly, and at one point I started cutting....Just to get out of my head for a little while....It got so bad in the past year I just stopped caring....my grades slipped,  dont eat, dont sleep I feel like I was losing all my friends and I just didnt care.....A few days before new years my sister asked if I wanted to stay with her and help babysit....Of course I jumped at a chance to get out of the house....Well it turns out my sister saw right away that somthing was very different about me and that I was in a very bad situation she just didnt know what....She told me it was okay and she would help me no matter what it was....I was reluctant but she pulled it out of me, at first just the situation but not who...I didnt want to tell her it was our brother, but same as before she pulled it out of me....She was shocked to say the least, she made me feel a little better the told me she wouldnt tell my parents but that I should....On new years I made a resolution to try and get better....So at the end of January I told him I was going to tell them, he said we would do it together but the next day he was out of the house but I had said I was going to tell them so by damn I was going to tell them with or without him...So I did....It was a lot of crying and my parents called him and told him to come home...He did and we all sat around talking....at one point I was sobbong and he was crying and he came over and tried to give me a hug and...I....I just couldnt do it....he stood there with his had on my arm trying to lift me to a hug and I just pulled away....I cant bring myself to touch him....at all, anytime I do it makes it all the worse. After that things were the same yet different, They say they want to help me but itsbeen months and nothing is done, but I know they are trying....There are times I wish I hadnt said anthing but I cant change it.....There are things that mess with me every single day...like weither im a virgin cause in all honesty I dont know, I know that for months I was scared I was pregnant but never was, I know that I could have stopped it at anytime but I didnt and I think that bothers me more than anything, that all this is my fault and I could have stopped it.....I know thats a bad thing to say but I dont see how its not...Recently I have been writing poems to let my emotions out, if you want to read them they are on my profile...I know this is incredably long but I felt it needed to be written....Thank you for reading this if you had the mental stability to read it all.

Please excuse the spelling errors....I know there are alot, I was typing very fast

........This poem is really important to me so I hope you enjoy it.....Enjoy

Why me?

What have I done to deserve what I go through?

What makes people think its ok to make fun of me?

Do I wear a sign?

Is it really written on my face?

I have been through alot

But others have been through equal or worse pain

But some are happy and enjoying life to the fullest

I want to know why us?

Why were we chosen to feel this hurt?

Is it meant to make us stronger,

Or break us

Are we suppose o suffer,

Or just move on

I ask myself for the answers to these questions

Every single day

Hoping to know the truth

But the fact of the matter is

I may never know the answer

But even then I wonder....

Why me?

............This question has kept me up countless nights and stays in my mind always....this poem means so much to me and for that reason I have to say its my best....The emotions on this poem are real, cause even now I cry wondering why? I just dont understand.......

I guess you could say that aside from being [S] abused, I was verbally abused and made fun of all my life....So I know that words hurt thats why I refuse to subject anyone to that kind of pain....Enjoy

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Those are the words wehear to make us feel better

When things like name calling go to far

But im hear to tell you that words do hurt

Probably more then any fist could ever do

But words hurt more when they are said by someone you care for

Like if some stranger said you were ugly

That would'nt matter, not really at least

But if someone you thought cared for how you felt

Said such awful things to you

You feel betrayed in the worst ways

Like your not worthy of them

Like yur heart was ripped from your chest

And stomped on till it hurt

Words hurt alot more then people know

So they say them anyway

Just to get the sadisfaction of seeing you cry

I know they hurt cause I hear them alot

That's why I dont stoop to that low and say them back

But once they say what they had to, I smile and say thank you

Even when im hurt and crying, I dont hurt them with words

Like they do to me

Words do hurt and if you know that....

Dont say them

.......I know words hurt and they hurt even more when said by someone you thought cared...My parents always told me "Do onto others what you want done to you" I go by it cause I know what it feels like.....

I was thinking about a good way to explain why this has bothered me so much and this was th only way to do it....Enjoy

I wish I could understand

The things going on in my head

But every where I turn to

To find the help I really need

I find myself boxed in with the memorys

I try to break free

But the things in my head make me weak

So everytime I hit the walls

Ready to taste freedom

I find all my strength is gone

And im boxed in all the same

The friends I turn to,that I see through the walls

I call out to them saying "Please Help Me"

They look at me saying "I can't hear you"

So they turn away

Leaving me alone in the darkness that is my mind

Trying to understand, but never getting help

Has caused the wall that hold me in to become thicker

As time moves on, those walls become a fortress

That know just how to break me

This poem is the first one I ever wrote....I didnt know how to explain what I was feeling and this seemed to sum it up....These are the things I feel and want to happen on day.....Enjoy

Trying to move forward

But only moving back

Feeling trapped

Yet always getting cornered
 

Seeing myself as nothing

Only to find it true

Wishing to take it back

But never getting the chance

To see what I could have been
 

So now time moves on
 

Even though im at a stand still

My life can suck

But I will always be me
 

No matter what others think
 

Time will heal my wounds

No matter how bad

It may even take forever
 

But at least I know its coming

And one day I will be better
 

My best friend has been there for me through this entire process and I cant thank her enough....This poem is a good way to understand what a "True" Best friend is to me and why we care so much for on another.....Enjoy

Two troubled pasts

Clashing from opposite sides

Causing a massive eruption

Of pain and suffering

But through all the pain we share

We find understanding

And friendship in the weirdest of ways

We both may say were not good enough

But to each other we are perfect

Once we share all the pain and suffering

We begin to heal one another

Working through the pain alone is hard

But with another, you know they will not judge

And help you heal along side them

You know they honestly care

Cause they know what its like

When someone doesnt

Two troubled pasts coming together

To heal and be well once again

To understand and care for each other

When neither of you feel you can care for yourself

A reliable person you know you can trust

To tell all your secrets too

A "True " Best Friend

.......Now when I wrote this a few months ago I was talking about my best friend but I know that every person can relate to this.....we all understand each other, so this poem is for everyone on PWP and my two best friends :)

Ok I posed a poem yesterday but that was only one of them this one has a somwhat happy ending.....OK on the off note I love the night sky its one of m favorite things and after you read this poem you'll understand why.....enjoy

My life can be the night sky

So dark and never filling

Wandering around with no light

To help you find your way

But once you find the stars

Your nights will be happy

Cause your no longer in endless darkness

But filled with lights to show you the way

Friends and family are my stars

Leading me from th temptation of utter blackness

But instead to the light of the sun and happiness

Even once im in the light

I will always love the night sky

Because we were the same once

And know that even in darkness

There is light, Just waiting to shine through

You just need to open up

And let the sun show

Never think there is no hope in the darkest of nights

Cause remember

The star's will always shine

And the sun will come up tommorrow

I love the night sky.....but like I said even in the darkest of nights there is light.....so in a way there is always hope.....Dont ever give up.....even if I dont take my own advice...lol......I hope you all enjoyed.....I will probably post another poem in the next few days

Ok about 5 months ago I finally told my parents what happened! I was scared and ashamed but all they did was listen and now they are trying to help me in any way they can.....When it happend I was standing by myself with them looking at me wanting to know what I had to talk to them about....I was so scared I couldnt even say it, I kept hinting around and finally my mom said it...well we ended up talking for a while untill my brother came home and we talked some more with him....I honestly cant say that telling them did much of anything except hurt me more....they say they want to help yet its been months and they act like nothing was ever said and im going to just forget....I mean at one point my mom told me that the only reason I told them was to not get in trouble about my report card... that I was just striving for attention and she wasnt going to fall for it....It had come to the point I cant stand even being in my house....I dont know what the hell im going to do, I mean I told them and it has done NOTHING! Sometimes I feel like they dont even care : (

I know that this peom is how I think of myself and its the only way I know how to explain what I see when I look in the miror, I know that many people that read this message think the same thing cause we are the same in some way, weither it be our situation or our emotions and you can relate.....So I hope you enjoy reading my outlit

Looking through the looking glass

I see a girl 

Who's eye's reflect more pain then most can handle

Who doesnt trust those closest to her

Who can't even look anyone in the eye's 

For fear that they will discover the pain she withholds 

The pain she refuses to share

Looking through the looking glass

I see a girl

With many friends that love her

That wish to help her if she'd open up

A family that's not perfect

But they still love each other

Looking through the looking glass

I find that the looking glass is nothing but a miror

And the tourtured girl I see....

Is no one other than me

So looking in the mirior this day

Seeing myself staring back at me

I think to myself....

'Do I like wo I see?'  

 When I was about 5, my brother was he was found on top of me but my parents blew it over as just playing and "he didnt know what he was doing" so they took me out of his room and evrything was fine until I was 12,he was 15 he starting making me do things to him and he tried doing things to me but never succeded. when I said I didnt want to he would blackmail me or guilt me into it...after 2 years I finally just put my foot down and stoped it, but things will never be the same...I have bad nightmares all the time so I barley sleep. Im scared of most guys...whenever I have people staring at me I get very nervous. Nobody knows what happend except my bestfriend...Im just to ashamed to tell my parents or anybody else...like 6 months ago he tried to apoligize but...it doesnt make it right and it doesnt take away the fact that it happend...I barley even talk to him now