This Message is realy long but if you want to know my story hold in there
When I made an account on PWP about 7 months back I posted my very first 'Message' as its called on here. Well I look at it know and realize how much it lacks....I was afraid and didnt know what to say on somthing like this, I feel my story needs to be told properly. Im going to tell it from when it started untill right now as I write this. When I was younger I was the sweetest little girl that had th hardest thing with not knowing who to trust, well actually I trusted EVERYONE and because of the way I was my parents were scared that I was going to be taken at some point for being to nice. I was also the youngest out of my siblings so as you can imagine I was teased by them always, but the funny thing was I wasnt only made fun of by them I was always made fun of at school, I never undersood why because I was never mean. As I grew up the teasing never stopped and I started seeing my school counsler everyday crying, she didnt know what to do. At one point she pulled one of people who use to make fun of me aside and brought her to wear I sat sobbing, told her too look at what she had caused, that girl never bothered me again but others did. At home my mom was strict and mean, she always said things she didnt mean. My dad saw what al of this was having on me, I was very self concious and my self esteem didnt even register, her tried to make my self esteem better but as he told me that, the teasing at school, my mom, and from my siblings never ceased so pretty much everything he said was counterd with more stuff on me. As time went on we moved to a new house and I tried to make my parents feel better by putting on a brave face and always acting strong, but I was still the same girl in pain but nobody ever noticed or sombody did and never cared enough to do anything about it. Keep in mind that at this point im just about 12 not some teen that always complains about life....When I was around 11/12 it was just me,my mom, dad, and brother. One night while my parents were in there room my brother comes into my room and asks me to do things to him...I was a 11 year old girl with a very low self esteem and didnt like having people upset with her...I didnt really know what to do at the time, I didnt know if I was going to get in trouble for doing it or mabe even for not doing it, and I guess in some way I was curious....So I did it, at first it started with my hand then it went to my mouth.....As time went on he just kept asking me to do it so I did, but one night when he thought I was sleeping he came into my room took of my pants and tried to penitrate me.....I was scared and didnt know what to do, I didnt want him to be mad at me but I didnt want it to happen either so I just acted like I was moving alot in my sleep, eventually he got frustrated and left. The next day I acted as though I had no idea, things went back to 'normal' if thats what you want to call it. At one point I said I didnt want to do it at all any more, but he begged me and I felt so guilty I didnt know what to do he told me it would be the last time, so I gave in and believed him thinking I would di it one last time and it would be over. The next day the same thing happend, and eventually we were at 'normal' again. A few more times he came into my room thinking I was asleep, again he tried and again I moves as if in a nightmare but this time he held me still, and in a way I guess you could say he succeded he didnt really know what to do so it kept coming out, but im pretty sure it went in a few times them I freaked out, I acted like I "woke up" and had to use the bathroom. Still me giving him oral continued unill I met a very confident girl that gave me some courage and tought me to stand up for myself, even only a little....Once I met her I put my foot down and told him I was never doing it again...for days following it he asked and I refused but even then I felt bad..I was 13 at the time....The girl that helped me is he girl I am proud to call my best friend to this very day....I guess after it stopped I surpressed it cause it didnt start to bother me till damn near two years later...I started having horrible nightmares, and they made me terrified of everyone, I found that anyone I tried to get close to I became afraid of, I couldnt seem to stop thinking about the discusting thing I did...I started sleeping less and less just to avoid the nightmares, gained alot of weight, I couldnt even stand coming home...I use to miss my bus on purpose to avoid coming home....as time went on I found myself hurting more and more...I couldnt deal with it, by now I hardly slept at all and I barley even ate....My mom and dad noticed nothing....not when it went down or my downward spiral....Then once I started eating less my dad noticed but by then I was already doing everthing to get out of my head....I was reading, listening to music constantly, and at one point I started cutting....Just to get out of my head for a little while....It got so bad in the past year I just stopped caring....my grades slipped, dont eat, dont sleep I feel like I was losing all my friends and I just didnt care.....A few days before new years my sister asked if I wanted to stay with her and help babysit....Of course I jumped at a chance to get out of the house....Well it turns out my sister saw right away that somthing was very different about me and that I was in a very bad situation she just didnt know what....She told me it was okay and she would help me no matter what it was....I was reluctant but she pulled it out of me, at first just the situation but not who...I didnt want to tell her it was our brother, but same as before she pulled it out of me....She was shocked to say the least, she made me feel a little better the told me she wouldnt tell my parents but that I should....On new years I made a resolution to try and get better....So at the end of January I told him I was going to tell them, he said we would do it together but the next day he was out of the house but I had said I was going to tell them so by damn I was going to tell them with or without him...So I did....It was a lot of crying and my parents called him and told him to come home...He did and we all sat around talking....at one point I was sobbong and he was crying and he came over and tried to give me a hug and...I....I just couldnt do it....he stood there with his had on my arm trying to lift me to a hug and I just pulled away....I cant bring myself to touch him....at all, anytime I do it makes it all the worse. After that things were the same yet different, They say they want to help me but itsbeen months and nothing is done, but I know they are trying....There are times I wish I hadnt said anthing but I cant change it.....There are things that mess with me every single day...like weither im a virgin cause in all honesty I dont know, I know that for months I was scared I was pregnant but never was, I know that I could have stopped it at anytime but I didnt and I think that bothers me more than anything, that all this is my fault and I could have stopped it.....I know thats a bad thing to say but I dont see how its not...Recently I have been writing poems to let my emotions out, if you want to read them they are on my profile...I know this is incredably long but I felt it needed to be written....Thank you for reading this if you had the mental stability to read it all.
Please excuse the spelling errors....I know there are alot, I was typing very fast