Im not the only one in my family that was sexually abused....

My cousin was. By more then one person.

As she got older....it took her down a rather rocky path....she made mistakes and tried to make up for them. Shes been trying to get her life on track. Yet it seems like no matter what....she is always getting hurt.

She has literally been raped and sexually harrassed by more men then I can count on both hands. She just told me today that last month a guy that had been bothering her took her into the back room of her work place and raped her. And when she told her husband...he said she wanted it.

Im absolutely horrified.....she didnt tell me...and she didnt report him.....she saw him for weeks after the act until she finally quit her job. She couldnt handle it anymore.

She couldnt fight....her natural reaction is to freeze....its happened so many times over the years that she cant stop it.....

I feel so horrible :'(

I know that the statistics tell people that if you've been raped or sexually abused your more likely to get preyed upon again...but....why? Can they just smell it on us or something? Is that why they just choose to hurt us?

Will it ever end? Does this mean im gonna have to look over my shoulder every time im at my job or on the street, terrified that its gonna happen to me again?

I dont even know what to think.....

Shes been thinking about hurting herself for the last week. Shes not in any danger now....but I hate how much pain shes in...I want to help her so much.....she doesnt deseve to keep going through this :'(

None of us do....

Its just not fair :'(

I know I have been posting a lot more lately....but I really cant help it...

Everything is just getting to me......its like...the more stress im under the more my past creeps up on me

I cant figure out why im such a freak....why it cant just leave me the fuck alone. I have been great, things going good....then my support went away and I feel like im buckling under the weight.

Know what happened today to remind me of what a freak I am and how messed up I am? A girlfriend of mine slept over the past two days and thats fine...honestly. I really enjoyed the company. She sleeps in my room with me on my bed....and in a lot of ways it makes me uncomfortable. Because of my past, I am an extrememly light sleeper....you move and I wake up....I hear something and I wake up. God forbid you touch me.....

Well she warned me that she may end up sorta cuddling with me in her sleep without her meaning too...I told her I understood...and in a way I tried to avoid it, but in the end. I woke up this morning, on the verge of panic because of a nightmare and having someones arm around me.....and then getting up, I nearly cried because I just felt....so stupid....getting so upset over my friend touching me.....I just....I couldnt take it......cause....shes use to her husband...so in her sleep she like...kissed my neck once and then had her arm around me....she wasnt doing it to make me uncomfortable or anything..........so...waking up to that...bothered me.......and...I hate myself for being so....weak. That I cant get over it enought to even allow a woman to touch me.....no one but my boyfriend can touch me when im asleep.....

:'(

I feel like....its my fault......

She feels so badly....and it tears me up that she feels so bad....because its not her fault.....but she hates that she upset me so much.....she just said that if I wanted her to go home she would understand :'( and...its not even that......I just....I cant take how its making me feel....

I dont know what to do......right now, im beating myself up so badly......I feel so....wrong......like I shouldnt feel this way......shouldnt be making such a big deal about this...but I cant help it......

It seems every time I lose my support system I lose myself.......I guess I really am weak mentally :'(

I wish I could just....stay strong.....and NOT let this fucking shit get to me like it does....

Im sorry for the ramble....im just really upset....and I cant do anything but write...

Thanks for reading.

Take care

 What is it and everyone just suddenly disappering?

Is it me? I dont understand.....

Now It seems I've lost another friend.

Feeling a bit worthless right now....

One of the only friends I had left.....is gone

Doubt I'll hear from him again :'(

Ok about 5 months ago I finally told my parents what happened! I was scared and ashamed but all they did was listen and now they are trying to help me in any way they can.....When it happend I was standing by myself with them looking at me wanting to know what I had to talk to them about....I was so scared I couldnt even say it, I kept hinting around and finally my mom said it...well we ended up talking for a while untill my brother came home and we talked some more with him....I honestly cant say that telling them did much of anything except hurt me more....they say they want to help yet its been months and they act like nothing was ever said and im going to just forget....I mean at one point my mom told me that the only reason I told them was to not get in trouble about my report card... that I was just striving for attention and she wasnt going to fall for it....It had come to the point I cant stand even being in my house....I dont know what the hell im going to do, I mean I told them and it has done NOTHING! Sometimes I feel like they dont even care : (