Hey guys.......got some news.

Next week...my boyfriend is moving in......im so excited I can barley stand it.....hes been one of the best things thats ever happend to me. He honestly has made me  so much better and so much happier...now...hes lived in another state for a while now...and a few months ago my mom invited him to move in with us. Hes getting the spare bedroom. At first I was terrified of getting close to him....intimately I mean.....because of my past.

And yeah...this is a strange thing to be talking about...but....its something I need to explain. I was really scared...that things werent going to go very well...but after talking about it and actually thinking about it...im not so scared anymore. Now...for me...thats HUGE. To be so comfortable with someone that fear of my past doesnt effect my choice in our relationship.....im sure it will at some point..but as of now...im considering and am okay with it.

Now....you see...the reason im writing this tonight...is because I was talking to my Mom about him coming next week. We were joking around and talking (she was drinking) and....what happend was...somehow we got on the subject of sex. Her saying that I was fertal and needed to make sure I was careful since SHE got pregnant the first time she had sex.....telling me she was gonna get me birthcontrol and that I needed to watch myself. I told her I got that but Its not like we were gonna be doing it anytime soon anyway...and she snorted....saying "Yeah, whatever, im not stupid" and.....I told her I was serious...and she made it sound like I would be having sex with him the night he got here.....if not then, then within the week.

I told her I was serious....that Im smarter then that....and I wouldnt just go and do something like that.....I felt like she was calling me a slut.....I told her I wasnt like that and for another thing I wouldnt do that in my parents house. I have more respect then that...and she STILL said yeah whatever....I was so insulted.....like...honestly. Im a good girl.....aside from my past I have never had anything like that......its just...I dont get it.... I was finally to the point that I wasnt thinking of myself as a whore and slut......I was finally feeling good about myself. And....now Im feeling hesitant again...its like...everytime my Mom says things like this...I question everything......I honestly am afraid of this.... when is "Too soon" to have an intamate relationship with the man I love? Whats late enough so I wont be considered a slut?

I mean....really.....I just dont know what to think anymore.....I was worried about this in the begining because of my past...but...I was past it...and now I dont know what to do...I feel like if I do ANYTHING having to do with sex im gonna be considered something im not.....

Why does this stuff ALWAYS come up in my life? Cant I just be NORMAL?

Man....this really sucks.... :(

Im sorry if this was weird...I just dont know what to do......and since my past is causing this....figured its happend to other people like me...

Thanks for reading...any advice would be much appreciated :(

Take care

Anyone who has read my messages over the last few years....knows..that I have really bad trust in people.....but you also know...that as of the last year or so, I have made extreme progress and am doing much better.

Now....I have never ben able to be happy....ever. Its always been taken away from me in one way or another. The abuse, the nightmares, school, my Mom and so on......its just...always been that way. I was convinced I was never gonna find happiness.

Then a man came into my life...and hes been one of my biggest supporters...helping me...and gettin me through everything. Hes made me so much better..and happier. I thought things were finally looking up......since...my Mom invited him to move in like 4 months ago..... I said from the very begining, that my Mom wouldnt stick to her word. That it would change and she would do it at the last minute. It was always there...but as time went on...I honestly thought things were gonna be alright.....

But....I knew it was to good to be true. She was drunk a few days ago...and we were fighting.....she told me to tell him not to come. I was devistated. He means the world to me...and.....she said something that I had already convinced myself was gonna happen and ignored it.....I felt so stupid....

I didnt tell him until the next day...at night...I wasnt home....so..I wanted to make sure we could talk about it......and when I did...he blamed me for it. Since I should have kept my mouth shut....I was so hurt.....my friends were worried....but....I put on a mask to calm them down....he apologized...and I know he didnt mean it.

Hell....she didnt even mean it....but it still hurts that she said it. I dont even want to risk giving her that much control over me by letting him into my house anymore.......she will only hurt me using him....Im terrified. Its like my past all over again.....being hurt and having no control.....

My trust is shaking hard.....I am not even on speaking terms with her right now...and him and I have been fighting since it happend.....things went okay tonight...but we'll see what tomorrow brings...

Im so scared...I dont know what to do...

I feel like I was just getting somewhere...and now my trust has been completly shot.......im not back at the begining...but im several steps back....

Any advice?

I dont know anymore.....I just dont know.

Im going to try and explain a situation as best I can....without giving some things away.

I have a few friends of mine...that I have known all my life. People I am very close too and love very much.

Well....when I was younger I found out, that the older of the two had hurt my friend very badly....she had been abused by him sexually. And she told. This caused a lot of problems. And since I was the younger of the three...I wasnt suppose to know what was going on. But given my inteligence, eventually I figured out what happend.

After some threats from her Mother, she dropped the charges. She dropped the charges and said she lied so she could remain around me. And since I wasnt fully aware at that point, what had all happend...I was friends with them both still.

It was never spoken of again. Ever.

They acted as though it had never happend...on the outside at least...but I think we all know, the inner fire that burns us alive

It was almost as though everyone around us....just....forgot. Ignored it. Literally sweeping it under the rug and saying its clean. Because of my relationship (not any sort of dating kind) with him....I tried to deny it in my own mind as well. I laughed with him and love him. Hes important to me.

Yet.....he did that to her.....he hurt her badly......

And when he was drinking he was sometimes even inappropriate with me...but only when he was too drunk to really control himself or realize what he was doing.. Allowing his hand to slid to far down on my back.....small light touches as he moves....just...being to close for anyone to be comfortable. More so with my kind of relationship with him. Sometimes comments were said that were just.....horrible.....things that were sexual references that were just SO inappropriate to be said to me.....im very careful around him when he gets that way....its not often...but still. Im careful. Watching him to make sure he doesnt do something.

Yet.....I still act as if everything is okay.....

I treat him the same as I always have....still hug him and care about him.....but....how can I? Shouldnt I....feel like hes something evil? To be staying away from and stuff?

Why do I act like its okay what he did to her?

Why does he have to be so important in my life? I love him....hes been in my life since before I was born....hes important and I cant possibly hate him...ever....

But....I am feeling so confused.....

I have never...and will never confront him about this....she made me promise to never do it.....because shes past it. Shes already healed. Doesnt want it broght back into the light

I just....dont know whats wrong with me......

I feel like...im letting him get away with it.....that....im just....saying it was okay...

I can barley even hold ill feelings toward him! Yes he did wrong..but...I cant fucking bring myself to be hate him.....yes....Im upset with the things he did...but hes still so close to my heart after such an act....its not right...

Please....somebody....give me an explaination.....

Tell me how wrong I am to feel the way I do......

I feel like I betrayed her...by still being close to him......I just...dont know what to do...

Its bothering me so much.....

Im so completly ashamed of myself....for feelings I cant even help......

Anybody with anything to say would be very much appreciated.....I could use all the help I can get right about now.

Thanks for reading and caring.

Take care

Why?!

Why? Why? WHY?!

I dont understand this pain...

I dont understand why no matter what I do it comes back to bite me!

Im regretting the choice I made....

Im not sure I can trust the only one I thought I could.....

Im so confused....

I thought everything would be okay....

Thought it would work out....

I tried to make my mistakes right....but now its like it doesnt matter

How would you feel if the one person you had left, tells you without someone she will die....

Like I dont even matter.....

Like the pain of her leaving wouldnt kill me with her.....

I dont know what to say or do anymore....

I wish someone would please help me....

I feel so alone....

____________________________

In spite of my mood today, I wrote something.....it just comes out...so....if it doesnt make any sense im sorry..

____________________________

Alone...

Alone with the dark...

Alone with the screams....

Alone inside myself....

Always...always alone....

Only feeling the warmth of another when time chooses to grant me happiness....

Before snatching it away....and once again leaving me alone...

No one cares...

No one understands....

No ones here to pick up the peices this time.....

Im alone, and empty

A shell of a person....

Peice by broken peice.....

Slowly taken away....

Until im left with nothing....

No one....

Once again...

Alone.

Alright...today was such a weird day! On top of the fact that my appointment was cancled, I had some guy trying to get with me!

Now..I have never..aside from the few boyfriends I've had, had a guy flirting with me so hard....I mean seriously! He wouldnt leave me alone...he was getting very touchy with me, trying to mess with me..but I was just uncomfortable. At one point he grabbed me around the waist and tried to kiss me! I dont even know this guy and I keep pushing him away yet he keeps trying. Why?! I dont understand it....did he think I was playing hard to get or something? I mean...I wasnt really afraid until he grabbed me and tried to kiss me...I froze up so fast, and moved away from him and asked him not to touch me. I mean..he was nice..but geez guy....I dont even know you...nor are you respecting my personal space. I mean...I was flattered that he wanted to go out with me, but..no thank you....I dont know how to get close to someone like that...nor do I want to right now. I dont know....

I may just being dramatic for feeling uncomfortable with a guy that obviously liked me....he wasnt hurting me...but...I was still very uncomfortable.

I really wished I could have had my session today....since it happend literally right before I was suppose to go in....I could have explained everything...maybe talked about why I was so uncomfortable..as well as everything else. I could have really used it after the week I've had

Hi everyone.......I guess I spoke to soon......things were going really good.....and I guess some would say they are still going good......but...they are falling apart again.....im so close to graduation.....yet I may not get to graduate........its so scary I dont know what to do....my mom is on my case cause of it....I guess thats my own fault though. I stopped caring last year and it put me behind....and now im paying for it..........I knew It would catch up to me eventually...but....why now? why when im so close to being free?....Its like something doesnt want me to be happy :(.......cause every single time something good happens.....it lasts for a little while....and when I finally get my hopes up that its finally time to start over and be better......it all falls apart.......I have been fighting the urge to cut for days now......the only reason I havent is because I have two very good friends that wont let me.....if I do...then they hurt....and I couldnt deal with that.....I think im going to start writing more again...I seem to do it more when im stressed and hurting. My nightmares are begining to come back....that may be because I have been talking about them recently....but for whatever the reason they are causing some major flashbacks.

Hopefully this wont last long....I was finally doing better :(

I'll update soon